Thursday, August 17, 2006

It's finally happened...

I was in the shower this morning, and I grabbed a bottle in order to wash my hair.

Through the spray of lukewarm water emitted by our shower, I read the details on the bottle in my hand; triglycerides, double-shine(tm), polynutrients, aloe vera, 10% extra, etc

But the keyword I was looking for was missing. I don't give a sh!t about your marketing buzzwords, is this SHAMPOO or CONDITIONER? Didn't actually say it anywhere.

I hate marketing people. So full of sh!te. They should all be lined up, bummed by a gorilla, set on fire and then killed. In that order.

You see, a marketing person wouldn't understand the significance of the order. There's no point killing them first, they wouldn't feel the rest of it. Equally, you can't set them on fire before being bummed as that's cruel to the gorilla.

Marketing people would say, "well, I think we should keep the gorilla for the finale to make sure our demographic sits through the advertisement breaks" or "what colour fur should the gorilla have?" or "can we get Janet Jackson to sing during the pyrotechnics?" - all total irrelavent piffle.

And another thing (before I get loads of hate mail for this posting):

Many will claim that it's very simple; the Conditioner bottle stands on it's lid, which is how you tell the difference - unless you happen to be my wife, in which case ALL the bottles get stood on their lid.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Working on the Chain Gang

Recently, I've been going to the gym and taking my darling wife with me.

Now, as a person who is somewhat knowledgeable in training practises, I realise you shouldn't overdo these things. Burn is good but pain is bad. Simply put; you want your muscles to sing with joy as the lactic builds up, but you don't want to scream with pain as your muscles tear.

My wife (despite her slenderness) is not the gym-bunny people think. Far from it. So while I gently introduce her to this new concept - 'exercise', I am very careful she doesn't overstrain herself.

She was busy doing the leg extensions with me watching over her. But her face showed she was in some discomfort:

"Are you okay?" I asked
"I don't think so"
She grimaces.
"Hmmmm", I wonder, "Is it a sharp pain? Over the knee-cap? When you extend?"
"Is it sore here", I indicate, "behind the knee?"
"Your back?"
"What then?"
"I don't know, it just sort of makes me feel tired"

Oh. I see. Best go home and have some cake then.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Happy Birthday Son

I wont be here tomorrow as I am in Dublin for the next two days.

So a big Happy birthday to my eldest who is 12 years old tomorrow.

It is his last year as a normal young man, until he becomes the smelly moody teenager.


Apparently, it is time to stop doing what Sir Bob & Midge Ure asked to us to do: i.e. feed the world

The number of overweight people has topped 1 billion, compared with 800 million undernourished.

It’s a man thing

Here is another idea, since Ady is throwing them out; chicks\girls have all sorts of Chick moneymaking parties. They have Ann Summers, Easy Tiger, Virgin V, Avon etc….

A chance where friends, family and work colleagues all gather, get pissed and buy tones of things that they don’t really need. In addition, the host gets a nice little commission.

Well where is the bloke equivalent?

I might start doing parties. Loads of blokes meet at my house, I show off the latest DVD’s, Gadget’s etc and earn some cash on the side.

Just a thought (and that is the way it will stay).

Melvyn! WTF is Melvyn

We have an anonymous commenter, in Melvyn. Who appears to be opinionated? Which is a good thing.

But how the hell did he find his way here?

That is all.

Digg stylee site for the Brit Blogs

Have you all been over to ? Nice idea - bit too techie and way too much info scrolling through every day (what? We all have jobs that allow us to constantly sit on news stories and latest IT innovations like barcoded frozen food to programme microwaves automatically?).

But how about a Diggy style site that highlighted the amusing postings of Brit bloggers. Start with our own linkages to the right - then start spreading.

So whilst some of us have time to surf all day - those of us with the menail jobs where we actually haveta work would be able to visit the one site and catch up with all the amusing/filthy postings of our virtual friends with none of the hassle of scrolling through months of tat for the golden nuggets.

Whaddaya think?

Anuvver idea

For all those mad texters - a device that connects your mobby phone to your PC - when a text comes in, a small pop-up appears on your 'puter - and allows you to reply using the same screen (keyboard-wise). No more huddling under the desk to continue your flirts, no more nipping to the Loo 5 times in a morning to catch up on a friends latest skeet. Yay!

GTA idea

Grand Theft Auto - great game play and all that stuff - but really, the language is something you shouldn't allow your 10 year old be exposed to (imagine the playgrounds roleplaying cops and robbers) - why not have a 'alternative swearing' option on these games. 'Get you, you Mother flipper, and the horse you rode in on . . .'

Something smells funny

If you walk past the building site up the far end of Strand Street you will sniff the dainty aroma of cannabis wafting from over the blue board panels. Dictinctive, aromatic and plentiful! Wonder why there was a cluster of hoodies moping around the Travel Agency? Obviously drawn towards the ultimate relaxant. Aaaaahhhh Bisto!!!
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Friday, August 11, 2006

Business Cards

I get nothing here at work. Nothing. No recognition of all the hard work I do at all. Please stop laughing at the back.

Every year Bonus time comes around, and every year I get nothing.

They promised me training courses at the start of the year, that I would be a Microsoft Certified Administrator. Well the first course out of 5 of them is in October, so I can’t see them fitting in the other 4 by Merry Xmas.

So I asked for some business cards yesterday.

“What do you want business cards for?”

“Because bitch, I want to get something out you fuckers whether I need it or not, now just order the damn things and I shall email you a list of my other demands.”

Here are my other demands.

Company Mobile
Company Car
Company Parking Space
Company Credit Card
Company Laptop
Company Polo Shirt

They are fuckers the lot of them.

Have a nice week everyone and don’t forget to watch the Middlesex Seven’s on Saturday and cheer for Sale Sharks.

Later Days

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Happy Days

It’s my 4th Wedding Anniversary today. So happy wedding Anniversary honey, love you loads.

It’s also my little brother’s birthday, so Happy Birthday little brother.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Where the Hell Have I Been?

Well I went on holiday for a few days, and when I got back I couldn’t be arsed to blog. But I’ve given myself a kick up the arse and I’m back for a bit.

Where as the other lads on the blog, go for the more social commentary style, I just ramble about me, myself and mine.

Anyway, the trip away to the Lake District was great, just the wife and I. We had a great 3 days, but missed the children.

Then the weekend we got back, we were invited to a BBQ, which was one of the best I’ve been to. I think that’s because we managed to off load the kids and just get shit-faced. It was one of those old fashioned BBQ, where you only knew so many people and there were loads of strangers. Plus the cops came and told us to keep the noise down. I was very very drunk and really enjoyed myself. Apparently I was drinking Vodka, Port and Cranberry. Who the hell knows? I just drank what ever they put in my hands.

Since then nothing much.

It’s our wedding Anniversary on Wednesday, 4 glorious years of wedded bliss. It’s also my little Bro’s birthday, so Happy Birthday Fella.

That’s it.

Stinking Stinker

Stinking Stinker

I was stood in the queue yesterday at my local health food shop, when I smelt this overpowering stench.

I looked behind me and there was a pretty(ish) woman who absolutely stunk of cigarettes. I wonder if she had any idea, that anywhere within a 5 foot radius of her was an over powering stench (it was that bad) of smoke and cigarettes.

If you were incontinent and pissed yourself constantly, you would have the decency to be embarrassed about the smell and shower regularly.

But this bint seemed oblivious.

Why oh Why do people still smoke?

Monday, August 07, 2006

The Last Bastion

Interesting couple of days in the sunny Isle of Man. Jewel of the British Isles, a land with a strong Viking heritage and home to some of the choicest examples of early Christian stone artifacts.


I went to the dentist today. My new dentist is a Polish guy with limited English skills. But he did a great job.

I dropped my mother off at the Airport on Saturday. We went for a bite to eat in the Airport Cafe. Behind the counter were five (5!) Indian gentlemen. Again, English wasn't their primary language.

I went to buy some bread and milk at my local shop (Anagh Coar). I was served by three Indian gentlemen (repetition of the previous English speaking quip).

I had to converse with my bank. I chatted with a very nice lady who didn't really understand what I was saying (go on, guess why). Maybe accurate communication isn't really that important in financial matters?

In fact, I only found one place that was filled with naturally english speaking people... already guessed it. The queue for unemployment benefit.

Political Correctness is an affliction that only white people seem to catch.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Anti Semetic or Opinion? Either way you pay the price...

Poor old Mel Gibson. After a drunken outburst accusing Jewish people's of being responsible for all the wars in the world (a mite harsh, but on the back of the ridiculous 'incursions' now raging in the Middle East, it's easy to see where the outburst came from) he is now paying the ultimate price as his TV project's are being pulled from Yank networks Guardian thingy.

Hollywood has a big Jewish influnce (the back-end money is apparently funding the Israeli forces - think about that next time you go and watch the 'cutey animal cartoon film') and Mel is learning the proverb of biting the hand that feeds it.

But his back peddling is a bit obnoxious. Now he has to go through a 'healing process'? Willing to meet with community leaders? WTF? Have an opinion, yes. A little inadvisable to blurt out whilst drunk in front of the local constabulary, yes. But have the backbone to stick with your convictions, gawdammit!

WWJD? Bomb the Lebanese, apparently!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The King is Dead!

David Gemmell, the King of Heroic Fantasy writing, died last week at the age of 57.

Gemmell's books have been a source of imagination, inspiration and empowerment – reading his books were a delight and he is one of those rare authors to whom you can return to time and time again. And the saddest thing about his death is knowing that there will be no more books and adventures from him (I do believe he has the second in his Troy trilogy due for release this autumn). To us believers – he will always be a Legend!

David Gemmell's wikiness

And the BBC's copy and paste effort to the great man's life . . .
A list of unusual words that have a high interest vs low competition! This post is a blatant abuse of the blog to get a link back (of some quality) to some of these words and phrases.

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