Monday, April 30, 2007

Dodgy Career Path

There been a lot of talk on here recently about work, and general pissed offness with work. It got me thinking as to how the hell I ended up where I am, so here in its full glory is the list of jobs i've done in chrono.... time order

Computer Games Tester
Door Security
Furniture Mover
Ground Worker
Bank (3 banks to be exact)
Life Assurance
Life Assurance
Database/Web Manager
Hospice Furniture Mover
Civil Servant
Working for myself, woo hoo

That's not too bad for 13 years is it? The best paid job i've ever had in terms of basic hourly rate, overtime etc was the Civil Service. It also had by far the most holidays, the best pension and flexi time. The easiest job i've ever had in terms of the amount of work was the Civil Service by a mile. The best job i've had was my 3rd stint as a programmer at Invisimail, the company was run by a coont but the lads I worked with were and still are top quality. The worst job i've ever had is the Civil Service for no other reason than having to deal with "Born & Bred" employees who have absolutely no idea of just how well off they are, me me me doesn't come close. Not all of them, just some, and it's them some that float to the top of the CS and then drove me insane with anger.

The only regrets I've got are that I haven't stayed in touch with as many people as I should have , and not taking full advantage of the seasonal students at the banks 1999 Christmas Party, damn you beer!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

FHM magazine Top 100 Sexiest Women.

1. Jessica Alba (actress)

Yes, you would, wouldn’t you? Who wouldn’t?

2. Keeley Hazell (model)

Yes, again and again and again.

3. Eva Longoria (actress - pictured)

No, too skiny

4. Adriana Lima (supermodel)

Not really, and only at a push.

5. Scarlett Johansson (actress)

I suppose so, there’s something about her, or two things about her.

6. Hayden Panettiere (actress)

Not my Cup of Tea, far too young and full of Puppy Fat

7. Cheryl Tweedy (singer)

Yes, as long as she doesn’t open her mouth, talk.

8. Angelina Jolie (actress)

Of course

9. Emily Scott (model)

Oh Yes!

10.Elisha Cushbert (actress)

I so would

You can Shove Your Job up Your Arse

I finally packed in my Job. After 2 years of sitting around trying to look busy for 7 hours a day, I’ve taken the plunge and decided to do some real work. Hopefully it will be both a step forward financially and more importantly for job satisfaction.

I was hoping to give my Boss a huge ranting rant as I walked out the door, but they are looking to contract my services out through my new Employer. Which is ever so annoying as I had spent a couple of days typing out the rant and practising it in the peace of the server room.

To show you what a bunch of cooooooonts my currently employers are, I handed in my notice on Tuesday 24th, which means 4 weeks notice would be 24th May. However, the way they work it, my final salary would be pro-rata for the month less weekends. Which is only 17 working days, so that’s means a17th of my normal monthly wage? However, if I say I’ll work to the end of the month, I get a full month’s wage. So I have to stick this place out for 5 weeks instead of 4.

Plus, more evidence of the shitty shitness of my Coooooooooonting Employers is that this Year alone and we are talking only 4 months, 4 people have left, including two of whom didn’t even have jobs to go to: they just couldn’t stand it any longer.

Say Goodbye To Free Banking

This was covered on GMTV and the BBC this morning although in quite different ways.

The GMTV approach was to say that banks are going to charge and they're a bunch of cooonts. No explanation of why they are going to charge, not a big surprise from the program that was running detailed guides and features on how to recover the "unfair" charges banks had been charging stupid people (i.e. their average viewer) for performing unauthorised transactions with their bank accounts. Not a single mention of WHY the banks were trying to implement monthly charges for all current accounts.

The BBC approach delivered by their business expert was to explain that the OFT (Office of fair trading) was investigating claims by banks that they would require to charge for accounts IF they were not allowed to charge for going overdrawn etc. Cause and affect people, whinging people not wanting to take responsibility for their own lack of financial management being the cause, charges for everybody including those running their accounts within the agreement set out between them and the bank being the affect. The BBC concluded that it was likely that the OFT would agree with the banks as charges could be seen as a good way of increasing competition between the banks.

What really pisses me off about all this is that in this day and age you need a bank account. Cash is slowly being phased out, even cheques are rarely used except for business to business payments. If you want to get paid by your employer, you need a bank account, either to accept the electronic payment or to deposit the cheque (do banks still cash cheques for people without accounts?). So thanks to Mr I'm Going To Sue the Bank Because I Broke My Agreement With Them, most people in employment in the UK will soon have the pleasure of taking home less of their pay. Overnight your monthly net income is going to drop by however much the banks choose to charge for each account you run. In the coming times of higher interent rates this means even less disposable income, or in many cases less money to pay the bills. People who manage their bills via direct debit, ensuring that they only spend what they have and budgeting on a monthly basis are gonna get screwed.

I'm not even going to go into charges per transaction, that's another joy that we can all look forward to in the near future.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Crap TV

Crap, reality TV really is one of my pet hates. Everyone knows that the 'popularity' of this type of broadcast is down to one simple fact: it's cheap to make.

The worst aspect of reality TV is the phone in vote. It gives the great unwashed the illusion that they're somehow in control.

"Tonight, I can waste more of your worthless time by getting you vote between a goat, a freak and a pile of dung"


So I was pleased to watch the Panorama program which saught to highlight the ultimate insult; getting callers to 'vote' after the decision has already been taken.

For a documentary, there was a big audience (1.6million peaking at 4.5million) with 75% of those phoning in registering their 'displeasure' with these pointless phone votes.

Finally, the public bites back!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Take me to a Gay Bar Gay Bar.

I went to a Gay Bar on Saturday Night. Oh my God, I don’t know what I was expecting, but there were flaming woofters everywhere. Mincing around and looking Queer. Don’t even get me started on the three “male dancers” on Stage.

The crowd was made up of:

  • Faggots
  • Young Kids who can’t get in anywhere else
  • Couple’s in for a laugh/Seeing what it’s all about
  • Strange looking Older Men eyeing up the gay young men.

Obviously it’s the last time I shall be going. Plus the draft Guinness and Bitter were absolutely undrinkable. No, they won’t be getting my patronage anymore.

Can you believe it, Gays on the Isle of Man…. Well I never. They’ll be giving women the vote if we are not careful.

Official: Americans not full of crap

I was listening to the news on the Radio. Apparently, some water company has released untreated sewerage into the sea.

The spokesman for the Utility company made an announcement - in a very american voice.

He waffled on for a while before saying that he hoped that in the future...

"...our valued customers will once again feel total confidence in our product."

If the spokesman had been British, he would have said

"Sorry for dumping shit in the sea"

I'm glad the Americans are in charge of the world.

Friday, April 20, 2007


Yeah I know every other blog in the world has done this but i've just spent 3 hours doing keyword reearch so thought i'd have a quick look at what searches this blog turns up. Here's the complete list of searches we've been found for in April. My personal favourites are, in no particular order - horny muslim lads, (i am ironman running in the hills from the klu klax klan) and scottish back search 135 degree angle. I can only guess that horny muslim lads running from the klu klax clan is something Mikey has posted about?

manx lads
the manx lads
"can't yawn"
can't complete a yawn
manx tt 2007
"not for use in cyprus"
"bbc hd preview"
"shilpa shitty"
shitty sticks for sale
easy tiger parties iom
"i hate going to the doctor"
horny muslim lads
isle of man drunk parking sleep
the hajib
stella i'll twat ya
"as you thrillingly drop your rubbish"
37wlt58 review
medium derek akora
fit chav lads
manx taxis
when i yawn i feel like throwing up
(i am ironman running in the hills from the klu klax klan)
photo buck shelford split testicle
(watch sexcetera)
"not for use in cyprus"?
"kill one man you're a murderer" quote movie
les film de shilpa shitty
the correct way to wipe your bum
manx teenager killed in iraq
scottish back search 135 degree angle
naama bay webcam
diy project raising fridge freezer up off ground
shilpa shitty
manx roundabout
watch sexcetera
arm rope burn nerve injuries
manx bored housewives
gym near westmoreland road isle of man
shilpa shitte
army punished in gym shorts and best boots

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Wild Food & Wild Hogs

The wife and I went to watch Wild Hogs last night, to be honest I wasn't expecting much.

The night started of pleasant enough, we went to the Terminus (best described as rustic) for something to eat. We were greeted by the usual bunch of characters you find in a real pub, I like pubs, not bars or eateries. Anyway there were a few tables but by far the best one was in the corner, it had a fork, dirty or clean your guess is as good as mine and some sachets of sauces etc strewn about, there didn't appear to be anybody sitting there so S headed straight for it. Just as she was sitting down, a voice rumbled over my shoulder "I'm sitting their love". Middle aged, broad Yorshire accent, over-weight FAT man in full leather/jean combination with shaved head, multiple tats, drinking Guiness at the bar, far far away from where he was "sitting". S was her normal polite self and apologised saying that she wasn't sure if there was anybody there or not and just laughed, as normal people do. Now I've always worked on the basis that the more "threatening" a persons appearance the more likely they are to actually be nice. After living through so many TT's and being pissed around so many chunky bikers who have never been anything but nice that's what I tend to judge people by. However this merry gent decided that he'd continue "Well isn't it obvious I'm sitting there?" So what's the correct thing to do here? Various things went through my head, I ended up settling for letting him know that it wasn't in fact obvious and then having a quite word when S next went to the toilet. I always feel guilty after losing my temper so I thought a quite word about not acting like a fucking idiot might be a good idea. All seemed well, food was nice, I had gammon, S had Scampi. Just as we were finished our friend decided that he's light up a fag, in the very small no smoking area that we we're sat. I'd had beer by this point which has the effect of making me less likely to confront somebody as I'm very aware that beer in the past had the power of turning me into a super twat. I tend to compensate by letting things slide. A lot of people we're looking waiting for the staff to do something, they did sweet FA other than pretend not to notice him. We'd finished but others were just getting served. I get the impression that this bloke was just being an asshole for the sake of it, under some sort of illusion that this was his pub and he could do whatever the hell he wanted. I'll be sure to remember his fat little face for next time though.

Anyhoo, enough of the pre-dinner entertainment, onto the film. I thought it was ok, S really enjoyed it.

Men riding into things when looking the other way - TICK
Lots of gay jokes, 4 men in leathers on bikes - TICK
Hen pecked husband goes out on bike and comes back a real man - TICK
Man whose kid hates him goes out on bike and kid ends up very proud - TICK
Single nerdy bloke finds hot wife who REALLY likes him for his personality - TICK
Blokes on bikes save the world - TICK

The whole film is one long list of cliches and old jokes. Still a fart is always funny not matter how many farts there are, in the same way we were laughing out loud throughout. There were no farts in it though. I couldn't decide who Wild Hogs was aimed at, there are certain parts (the Apple Mac part at the beginning) that blokes of a certain age will think are great but then on the other side of it there was a lot of silly friendship mush that made me want to puke. There was no naked ladies or such like and I don't think the men on show will do much for the girls (S didn't seem that impressed anyway) . S described the film as something you wouldn't mind going to watch with your mum as you wouldn't be embarrased by any of it. Your 9 year old woudn't get it and your 12 year old wouldn't want to watch it with you so I just don't get who it's for.

Bloke Score - 5 /10
Girls Score - 7.5 /10

So there you go, if you're a bunch of girls you might want to go and see it with your mums, if not then I wouldn't bother. On the plus side they did show a trailer for Spiderman 3 which looks the dogs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


I was watching some '24' with my delightful other-half last night.

For those who live under a rock, it's an all action series based around a fictional government anti-terrorist agency.

We love it, although we're only up to Series 5. But we're catching up slowly via the joys of a-mate-with-the-series-on-DVD. Anyhoo, we started the new series last night which occurs 18 months after the last one.

As any red-blooded male, I find myself quite attracted to Michelle Dessler (the female lead). In fact, she's a hottie. I may have said as much.

However, in the opening scenes, my wife pointed out that Michelle was doing her hair differently since the last series and that she didn't really like it. It was frizzy.

I suggested to my ever-observant wife that this was mostly because Michelle was on fire (her car having exploded).

Her response?

"Well, that's no reason to let yourself go"

Once again, I bow to her mighty intellect.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fuck Off Manx Telecom You Fuckers

I should have my feet up now watching whatever bollacks is on TV BUT i'm still working. Why? Because of fucking bastard cunting Manx Telecom and there robbing shitty fucked up broadband service.

Once 5 o'clock comes and people start turning in from work my £30 a month internet connection gets screwed in the ass by the number of networks that have popped up recently. Lower your fucking contention ratio you cunts!!! 50:1, 2mb, £30 a month, you should all be lined up and shot until it really fucking hurts. Seeing as how the numb-nuts around here are too stupid to secure their networks by rights I should be stealing their connections but that wouldn't be fair would it? Anyway it's not their fault, if the Ward family really need a broadband connection so that their daughter can use MSN (looks like Manx Telecoms sales staff have been working overtime around here) then so be it, good luck to them, but I'd appreciate it if Manx Telecom might like to consider its existing customers before telling a whole fucking neighbourhood of feckless idiots that they really NEED broadband. My download speeds hover around 4k for 5 minutes before the entire connection hangs and I need to turn the whole lot of and on. This gets very boring, really quickly.

So a special message just to the monopolistic telecoms provider on the Isle of Man, for fucks sake please stop selling broadband to people who don't need it, make your contention ratio reasonable, increase speeds and lower your rip-off prices. Cunts.

(This post took 2 resets, it started clean, honest)

The Best Office In the World?

Work has been a struggle over the last 2 weeks, what with L being off on her Easter hols and all that. She's no bother really but between taking days off and feeling guilty about putting my headphones on to get in the "zone" I haven't got much done. So when my mum offered to have L for the day yesterday I took it as an excuse to.....go fishing!

I've got a website that I need some fresh ideas for so figured what better way to refresh the old grey stuff than a days fishing combined with some zen style brain emptying. So I packed my fishing gear, a PDA and headed for my home town, Peel. After spending 20 minutes finding a comfy rock to perch on I started fishing, wrong tide, wrong wind, wrong bait but I didn't care, for 6 hours I relaxed, caught nothing but was as happy as a pig in shit. At the end of the day I've got some ideas for changes to the site, hands that smell, ice-cream staines and a genuine Manx arms and neck sun tan. If somebody could arrange to sort out some wireless access for me I'd be happy going there to work everyday.

Sorry about the quality of the pictures, I had to use my phone because even though I'd brought the digical camera with me I forgot a sim card. I've only just thought about using the PDA camera now, mainly because at times I can be a shit-for-brains.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Suited and Booted

Toilet Advice:
Don't try to wipe your ass if you're wearing a suit jacket.

I'm currently working on a short term contract for a telecoms company. And it's the kind of place you have to wear a full suit, shiny shoes and a silk tie.

So, while everyone was in the kitchen getting coffee, the Sales Manager came up to me;
"I'm assuming you don't normally wear a suit jacket to work?" he asked
"How did you guess?" I replied
"You've got shit all up the back of it"
"Tell me about it", I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"Are we talking about a visit to the little boys room?" he guessed
"Yeah, I just couldn't make any progress at all while cleaning up. Every time I tried to wipe, the flap at the back got all mixed up in the action. It was a nightmare!"
"Try taking the jacket off first. Hang it on the back of the door"

Sounds obvious now.

"Yeah! Of course!" I said "I guess that kind of thinking explains why you earn the big bucks"
"No problem" he smiled
"Only thing is; my wife has sowed my jacket to my pants so I don't lose it. I'd have to get totally naked"
"Okay, this didn't really happen did it?"
"No. Pity though."

Thursday, April 05, 2007

And Finally

This will be the last time I mention being sick but I thought I'd better share this.

Not only have the pills that I was prescribed had no effect at all on my symptoms but they've killed my stomach, politely they've gave me an upset "tummy", in reality I've got the screaming shits. I'm now not only enduring a bastard annoying headache and having the odd blackout but every 20 minutes I've got to go and nuke an area the size of New York with my toxic ass. I repeat again, Doctors are coooooonts. Time for the babywipes and extra soft cushions I think.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


I phoned yesterday, first of all I was offered an appointment to see my own Doctor on the 18th of April so I passed on that. Went to see another doctor yesterday afternoon and it went something like this:-

Doctor – “So what’s the problem”

Me – “I’ve had a bad headache for over a week now and it’s causing me to black out and breathing difficulties”

Doctor – “Hmm, looking here you’ve never reported headaches before?”

Me – “That’s because I don’t like coming to the doctors”

Doctor – “Oh, ha ha ha, I think 2 weeks should do it”

Me – “Excuse me? 2 weeks what?”

Doctor – “2 weeks off work, here I’ll…”

Me – “You’re not quite getting my problem here are you, I work for myself, I don’t want signed off, I’d like to feel better so that I can work?”

Doctor – “Ok then” Checks heart, blood pressure and breathing

Doctor – “Everything seems normal, I’ll prescribe you some anti-inflamitries and these jobbies which will sort out the dizziness”

Me – “Oh right, any idea what’s up then?”

Doctor – “Could by any of a lot of things really, your eyes, an ear infection, stress”

Me – “I don’t feel stressed and you said my blood pressure was ok, wouldn’t it be an idea to check my ears and eyes ?”

Doctor – “Try these first and then if you’re not happy in a few days come back, bye”

Me – “Well I’ll see you in a few days then”

THE END – They have no idea why I can’t breath and blackout but it obviously doesn’t warrant looking at
Doctors are useless, they are only good for dishing out sick notes. Cunts.