Friday, July 27, 2007

Car Wash: Tits to that

What we need here on the Isle of Man is a Jubblies Car Wash. Where unemployed Porn Actresses can earn some spare dosh and give something back in to the community.

They can soap up themselves and my little 4 door family saloon, all in the name of free enterprise.

There would be queues round the corner. I assume.

You see my car need washing and I can’t be arsed to do it myself as it’s a works car, so that only leaves the boring Polar Wash. I feel almost uncontrollable angry to give some spotty kid £5.50 and he presses a button and it 3 mins the car comes out the other spotless.

Where is the craftsmanship in that?

Where is the skill, the talent?

Are machines taking over the world one Car Wash at a time?

There must be hundreds of big titted uninhibited Porn Star Wannabes waiting for their big break, and this is just the opportunity they need to keep their hand in and gain a skill for when the looks start to go.

I’m just saying that’s all.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Vanessa Feltz on the island

Vanessa Feltz recently visited the Isle of Man and slagged the island off on her London radio show. Good for her! She can hide all her money in our offshore banks but she doesn’t have to like the place too.

She quotes “You only get chips and white people” on the Isle of Man. And I would rise to the call of our national dish, the ‘chips, cheese and gravy’ banquet, as the staple diet of the Saturday night post-drinks meal. But as someone mentioned - what would have been the reaction if she had said 'the place is full of curry houses and black people.'? Oooh – I love those media types!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Lion vs Tiger, who would win?

I'm not talking about a girly Lion, but one of those big buggers with all the fuzz around their head. When it comes down to size I think the Tiger wins, I'm sure I read somewhere once that Tigers are the largest of the large cats. However from what I've seen on the Discovery channel Lions look stockier and probably heavier? So they get it on, plenty of swinging of claws, the big teeth come into play, fur flying in all directions, but who wins? My money is on the Lion, you see cats are programmed to go for the throat, lets say for arguments sake that the Tiger gets a grip of the Lion first. Surely that's got to be like going down on a particularly hirsute french lady, 2 minutes later and he's going to be chewing on a hairball the size of a cushion. The Tiger chokes, Mr Lion springs up and rips his throat out. That's the way I see it going down anyway.

Surely somebody must have thought of this before, why can't our Zoo's do something interesting like arange Lion vs Tiger fights, that's something I'd pay to see.

Friday, July 20, 2007

House Husband for a Day

The wife was away on the Mainland yesterday buying a new Sofa, so it was up to me to be a house husband for the day, and what a easy job it is. I managed to do the following:

1 hour of Ironing
2 loads of washing done and hung out to dry and collect in at night
Hoover downstairs
Load dishwasher and unload once finished
Paint Skirting board in Vestibule
Make breakfast for Child and drop him off at Nursery
Collect Child from Nursery
Shopping (including flowers for the wife to show how much I missed her for the day)
Flower arranging
Feeding Children for Lunch
Some play time with kids
Cook evening meal for 3 adults and 2 children (Chicken, New Potatoes, Broccoli, Carrots, Homemade Cauliflower Cheese, Asparagus & Gravy)
Clean the inside of the Microwave and Washing machine Powder tray
Clean out the Goldfish Bowl

The whole thing is Sooo easy, what on earth are these women harping on about..

Is my Grandad right?

And so the failed terrorists turned out to be doctors. It didn't suprise my Grandad - who blames the doctor at our local hospital for the botched operation on his knee. If they can't fix a tendon or two what chance have they got of sparking a couple of wires together?

Perhaps they're all terrorists - and just out to get us one operation at a time . . .

Terrorist. The clue is in the word, huh. To create terror - Cause fear and anxiety with violence or the threat of violence. Not horrorists, or scaredisists. And particularly not Ridiculasists - as the recent inept attempts to terrosise are just ridiculous.

And I'm glad the Muslim community came out in a 'Not in our name' press release. Tho it's hard for anyone to relate as Muslim communities are quite insular. It'd be nice if they hosted Fete's or had a lottery or something (though I'm a little sure that gambling is a no-no in the Koran - so perhaps a lottery where everyone wins)

It was all much better when I was a young copper in London. The IRA knocking about with their terror threats and sometime bombings. All very civilised, with a telphone warning (sometimes) to get people out of the way so the bomb can be filmed whilst going off. And at least you could have a pint with the Paddies - and however angry they were (at whatever it was) they soon mellowed out after three guinesses and try to sell you roof tiles or tell you to get the round in.

Of course, all that IRA nonsense soon disappeared with the 9/11 World Trade Center strike. America couldn't quite justify a 'war on terror' whilst funding terrorists themselves, huh. Yay for Georgie Bush!

And so, in conclusion, I would like to say Hooray for not killing anyone because of your beliefs!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Sky TV - Advance Notice Of Changes To Your Subscription Payment

Looks like Sky are on the rob again, I got a letter this week letting me know of another rise in subscription fees. Things go up, inflation, shit happens, what you going to do? It's not the increase that pisses me off but the justification behind it.

FREE UK weekend and evening Phone Calls

FREE Broadband

Sky Anytime access over PC

More Live Football

Living on the Isle of Man we get exactly the same subcription charges without any of the fucking benefits. Free phone calls, no can do. Free broadband, no chance. Sky Anytime, sure you can watch Sky on your PC, but you'll need an extra £30 a month broadband subscription AND hope that you don't live in an area with high contention ratios to enjoy it. As for the extra games, who has the time? The only chance most of us married blokes get to watch the football is on the weekend, and they're still not showing any Saturday afternoon games.

I phoned Sky and asked for my free broadband, and was promptly told by the lovely Asian lady in the scripted call centre that I could have it if I could get a BT phone line installed. She was determined that BT have an exhange in my area (her system said so) and that I'd be good to go, all I needed to do was call BT. I didn't, because they'd laugh at me and think I was mental, instead I phoned a different Sky number and got through to the Scottish call centre. A 10 minute rant to a foxy sounding Scottish chick with all the usual "I don't want sky anymore" threats and it's a heavily discounted full HD package for 3 months. Not my best effort with Sky but it will do for now. Full marks to the second girl who answered my call as well, excellent customer service with a bit of flirting thrown in.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Bombs And Stuff

If only we could all be as honest as Australia:-

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on
Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the Government targeted radicals
in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to
Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John
Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a
crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard,
hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if
they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were
made by Parliament.

"If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia
law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on
National Television.

"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws
governing people in Australia - one Australian law and the other Islamic
law - that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law,
independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have
the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps,
then, that's a better option", Costello said.

Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he
Said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the
Other country.

Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who
did not want to accept local values should 'clear off'. "Basically people
who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by
Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically
clear off", he said.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by
saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some
individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have
experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."
"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the
'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that
our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor
do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming
to Australia. However, there are a few things that those who have
recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to

"This idea of Australia being a multi-cultural community has served only
to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And, as Australians,
we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our
own lifestyle."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials
and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom".
"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,
Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society ... Learn the language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing,
political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on
Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If
God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world
as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is
that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with

"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then
you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We
are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really
don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep
your culture, but do not force it on others."

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow
you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done
complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our
Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take
advantage of one other great Australian freedom - 'THE RIGHT TO

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come
here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

They only forgot to add, fuck right off, there's a boat in the morning, yessir.