Friday, January 25, 2008

Homeless On The Rock

Some people would accuse me of being a heartless bastard, insensitive, emotionless etc etc . To you fuckers, take note, I spoke to a homeless person on Sunday. Doesn't sound much but there are so few of them around here that it was quite an achievement.

Anyway I was walking up the street Sunday monring, post workout, pre work when I was stopped by some bearded bloke who looked even scruffier than what I normally do. "Are you from here?"..."Yes, you?", "No". After a slow start we had a decent chat about the Isle of Man and how it had changed (having tipped up from London it was more me educating him than anything). Long story short he'd fucked up his life and was now wandering the streets. Now for those of you not in the know the Isle of Man is one of the easiest places in the world to get a job, most people think that in order not to be working over here you are just not wanting to work. As well as that our benefits system is very generous to say the least. Having worked for the DHSS I've seen plenty of what the manx underclass has to offer, especially when it comes to avoiding work. It would have been nice then, after hearing this bloke go on and on about things turning to shit and how he'd love to work if he would have said "well I want to work but can't get a job". No such luck.

When I asked him about going to the DHSS for a start and trying to get some help (see, I tried, the next step would be trying to get back into work) his answer nearly knocked my of my feet. "I can't be bothered". WTF. You can't be bothered going and taking the free money that I'm working on a fucking Sunday to pay taxes to contribute to? You can't be bothered with the hassle of diverting 2 yards from your routine and asking about getting help? But you can be bothered to crack open another can of Carling at 10 in the morning, and you can be bothered to just stand in the street staring at people?

At that point I couldn't be bothered listening to somebody whinge just for the sake of whinging and left him to it. It could be you? Bollocks, if things ever go tits up for me I'll be straight to the DHSS and will make a point of BOTHERING to claim back every last penny of tax and NI I've paid in over the years.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Kerry Katona

Does anyone else think that Kerry Katona has made some pack with the Gods of House Wives Tat? She is on every stinking cover you see in Newspaper shops. And it’s the same old shitte over and over again, week in week out. She doesn’t even get her Baps out, what’s that all about?

Any way I thought I would mention it.

PS. Don’t forget Sale Sharks are live on Sky Sports on Friday Night.

A perfect night for Hot Dogs & Guinness.

2 Things That Have Really Pissed Me Off Already Today

1. The number of Ambulances/Police that go flying past our house between 7:30 and 8:00. I don't know what it is about people who live in the south of the Isle of Man but they all seem fucking incapable of using roads. They're either crashing into each other, trees, running somebody over or being run over. At least 3 times each and every fucking week we have the full lights and sirens convoy heading south to rescue yet another thick as fuck shit for brains. It's not like the roads in that part of the island are any worse than anywhere else, for fucks sake compared to the mountain road that drive should be a walk in the park, yet most mornings some idiot crashes. When I rule the world the first thing I'm going to do is rip up all the roads south of the Mount Murray and turn them into cycle paths. People from Castletown, Port Erin, Port St Mary can't be trusted with roads and cars so lets see how they get on with bikes. No doubt they'll still be crashing but with any luck it will be at such a low speed that they won't need a trip to hospital.

2. Lollypop Men/Women/Weirdos/Aliens that jump out in the middle of the road like day-glo ninjs to help grown people cross. I've got nothing against lollypop people, it's actually quite reassuring as a parent to know that they are there by most schools to help your kids cross the road. What I don't understand though is why they feel the need to help adults? If one offered to help me I'd take it as an insult "What, you think I can't cross a road by myself?" If you're the sort of grown person that goes and stands next to the lollypop person waiting to be crossed then you need fucking shooting. If by a certain age you are incapable of crossing a road on your own then being put down and getting you out of the gene pool as soon as possible is the only solution.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Thinking Outside of the Box

The problem so I am told by the wife is that the dinning room is too cold looking; it lacks a feeling of warmth. Whilst I trust my wife’s sense of aesthetics, what I don’t trust is her internal thermostat, as she is always cold.

Anyway, what Princess wants, Princess gets. So off we go to B&Q to purchase a Wall Mounted Electric Fire. £200 later we are back at home. Now the reason for the fire was to make the dining room feel warmer as we often get rid of the kids and have romantic meals. We either cook for the other or share the cooking. We just like to make an effort once a month, candles, music and good food. Now Saturday night was one of those very nights, so that meant, it had to be hung immediately.

Anyway, firstly I didn’t have the right drill bit (14mm) and had to go back up to B&Q. Then after carefully measuring up and working out the exact centre of the old chimney stack, and getting the levels right, I drilled the holes and hung the fire. Standing back, it was a good 2 inches to far over to the right (God knows how). So out came the drill again. This time I had to go a little higher as I didn’t want the new holes too close to the original holes…

That’s when it ALL went pair shaped. As I was drilling the first hole I hit the bottom of a brick and the drill went flying down through the crumbling plaster to create a hole that went straight for the first inch then veered down and then straighten up again, Which meant my snug 14mm hole was now around 25mm. Which meant the bolts to hang the fire were as loose as a loose thing. I didn’t fair much better either on the second hole. Obviously the level I choose was just in line of the bottom of a line of bricks.

So then I had the put the bolts in and then polyfiller around them and tell the wife that I would have to wait 24 hours to hand the fire. Well her puppy dog eyes told me she “really want the fire up tonight for our romantic meal”. So then I had to improvise and over come.

I packed the holes around the bolts with nails pushed in to the pollyfiller to keep them in place and then hung the fire. You would think that was the end of it…. NO.

When you turned on the fire effect (not the heat, just the flame effect ie. the light blub) it made a horrendous noise as it turned around and around creating the dancing flame. Really really loud.

Anyway, we put up with it for that night, but first thing Sunday morning it all came down and has gone back in the box ready to get a refund.

Now this is where I “finally” get to the title of the blog, thinking outside of the box. Whilst the wife spent yesterday going around various places looking at other fires, which by their very nature will make some noise I was thinking.

What if we got a LCD TV with built in DVD (which we were already looking at to go on the bedroom wall), we could run the “virtual fireplace DVD” on it to create the ambience. Plus it could be generally used to watch TV whilst cooking etc, or when the kids are having breakfast. So it would get a thousand times more use than just a fire, at only a small extra cost. We could even play an Aquarium DVD if we wished.

Isn’t that a fantastic idea?

So who is for the noise fireplace that will only get used once a month or who is for the LCD HD TV with Freeview and built in DVD player?

Votes please..

Friday, January 18, 2008

Shitting Myself

I don't really enjoy scary movies, I can't see the fun in shitting myself up so I try and avoid them where possible. When I do have to watch them I normally do it behind a carefully positioned knee during the worst parts, yeah ok call me a big girls blouse.

Anyway, having recently watched the new Aliens vs Predator movie (which after a slow start is excellent by the way) I decided to see what sort of Alien vs Predator games were out and about. I ended up buying Alien vs Predator 2 for the PC, I had the chance to try it out last night.

So this game is an oldy (originally released in 2001 I think) so the graphics are nothing special by todays standards, but when it comes to atmosphere and game play, I've never jumped so much in my life. I was playing it for what seemed like ages without even shooting anything, yes there was the odd scream as a fellow marine was ripped apart and even the glimpse of somebody being pulled through the ceiling and the dripping blood but there was nothing to shoot. Eventually even the blipping of the motion tracker (everybody remember that from Aliens) became so familiar that I learned to ignore it. Like I say this carried on for what seemed ages until.....fuck me...the mouse has gone in one direction and the keyboard the other. While turning yet another damp corner lit only by my shoulder torch an Alien has leapt out clawing at me complete with movie style sound effects. Jump, I shat myself! I've only played the game through the first level and a bit but I've never jumped so much in my whole life. I think what makes it so bad is that you are concentrating so much staring at the screen that it makes it even worse than a film.

Overall it's brilliant. Forget your fancy schmancy modern graphics, gameplay and atmosphere go a long way. Whatever you do just remember to fire in short controlled bursts (when you've finally picked your mouse up that is).

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Chat up lines

Hi Darlin

I've got a roll of duct tape in the boot of my car with your name on it!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Alternative Medicines

You know the ones: where you cant take them and drink Alcohol...

Bollocks to them I say.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Human Robots

What do you get when you have 18,000 personnel folders, some with 100 pages, that need scanning? Well apart from a decent scanner. I mean how can you open the files, guillotine the pages so they fit in the scanner, scan then to PDF, open the PDF and rename the file according to the contents and move it to the appropriate folder.

Well Data from Star Trek would be excellent. some sort of next Generation Asimo would be the second choice. However, this being a Government Department both of those two are unrealistic. The obviously choice would be some pissed off non motivated temp that would make millions of mistakes and take a year to do the job.

Well no, this place has found a use for those Idiot Savants you find hanging around Rainman sets. Yeah we’ve got our very own one. He took 2 weeks to do 18,000 files. It was fascinating watching him work, he just went at it with total focus, amazing. And I never tired from making him count spilled matches.

If every Gov Department got one, we could half the Civil Service.

Friday, January 04, 2008


I seem to have forgotten how to sleep. I know the theory behind it, you go to bed when you are tired, lie down, close your eyes and then drift off.

I on the other hand go to bed when I can hardly keep my eyes open, lie down, close my eyes, and then instantly come wide awake. I toss and turn, this way and that, get up to take a leak, try again, get up go downstairs, watch TV, back up and try again. I just can’t remember how to do it.

I eventually steal the odd 15 mins here and there, and normally collapse exhausted around the 3.30 to 4am mark only to get up again at 7.30am when the Alarm goes off.

The last 4 days have been at nightmare.

I haven’t had a drink in 4 days, so that might be the trouble. I’m on the wine tonight so I’ll see how I get on. Fingers Crossed

Xbox 360 Crashes and Freezes

I’ve just had about enough of Microsoft’s Xbox 360, they are great when they are working, but over the last couple of weeks, they have been a nightmare.

Firstly, the week before Christmas my 360 developed the notorious “3 Red Rings of Death”. Luckily enough, Microsoft have extended the warranty on all 360’s for 3 years, which meant mine was covered. Thank God. However, getting the local UPS rep to pick it up is another blog post (next day my arse, how about a 2 weeks later and I ended up bring the parcel down to their offices).

Anyhoo, as I had a few Xbox games sorted for Xmas day, I was up shit creak, until one of the Manx Lads lent me their spare. Cheers Mucka.

So Christmas was saved………

Part Two:

Last night the wife was out and so I borrowed Assassin’s Creed off one of the other Manx Lads. I sat down ready for 4 or 5 hours of concentrated game play. As soon as I put the game in, it asked to do an Update, then the credits ran. The Tutorial kicked off and I did the first task, then FREEZE. Oh! Reboot (I work in IT I know how to fix things). The credits ran and then the tutorial froze again. Reboot. This time a couple of seconds in to it, it froze. Then froze and froze and froze….

So I gave up.

Let’s have a go of Halo, BUGGER, now that wont work either. It freezes as well.

So I gave up….. and watch Red Dwarf.

I shall spend my working day looking at the problem on the Internet.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Get in there

Yes. Oh joyeux noel and 'hoo - yhaaa' . . . may the year continue as it has begun. Because this has started with a blast and exploded like a Jenna Jameson special!

Yeah - new years eve was fun. Around Bev's friends for a hootenanny and traipse around the house to enter the front door. The New Year day was a self indulgent orgy of food, food and more bite sized morsels. Big yums!

And an email from the talented newbie author (joe 'don't misspell my name' Abercrombie) granted me a signed copy of the last in his trilogy (Last argument of Kings: The First Law).

I won't go into the boring, stalker-like details of the answer I ponied up for his comp. And the well natured cheating I organised. But anyhoo - I can get the book with an inscription and stuff. I won't be cancelling my Amazon order - cos I guess I need two copies. yuk yuk!

Gotta think of a good inscription now. Pithy, yet humble. Or just plain Geeky. Bev reckoned I should request something along the lines of 'Dear Ebay purchaser, blah blah blah'. Well, something will come to me . . .

Happy New Year - you screwed up, toked up, told to shut the hell up buncha manx lads.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, trust everybody had a great Christmas?

Mine wasn't so good, far too much slaving in the kitchen and driving around with nowhere near enough drinking with my feet up but heh ho. Truth be told we've taken it in turns to be sick over the last 2 weeks so it was all a very quite affair. I'm now just looking forward to getting back to work, hitting the gym and getting on with earning some cash in 2008.