Friday, February 29, 2008

At last - a blog that explains stuff

The internet is a cruel religion created to take procrastination to a higher, almost divine-like form. It promotes the zen-like state of 'tuning out' required of buddhists and Bank telephone staff and marathon self-abuse sessions.

And yet it offers us morsels like the stuff white people like site that just keeps me borderline sane until the 5:30 whistle . Number #75 is particularly poignant - and begs the question of where white Canadians like to dream of emigrating too.

And by the way - LC is a big girls blouse! No, really. First he amuses us with pithy wit and keyboard repartee - then he uses his blog as some kinda sexual lubrication to gain the attention of female bloggers and, in some weird foreplayesque style, flirts with them in coded posts whilst telling us about his big breasted nursey girlfriend and how his hot chick mates are always setting him up with hot psycho chicks, and then cos he isn't getting enough bloggy attention (like winning blogger awards or having his blog made into a book), then he pulls the plug on his blog and deletes the whole lot. Tart.

And he can't even do that right. Leaving a comments section so all the girlies can declare undying lust for him (and he'll no doubt continue leaving unsubtle comments on their blog). Big. Girls. Blouse.

Monday, February 25, 2008

L's First Bank Account

At the grand old age of 12 my daughter has decided that she wants a bank account, it's not so much the account itself more the card she can use to get money out of the wall.

So last week I popped in to Barclays to ask about setting up an account. First things first, I couldn't find any information about children's accounts, it seemed the only thing they didn't have a leaflet for. So I went and asked a cashier who directed me over in the direction of the personal wankers. Fair enough, eventually I get to speak to somebody. How old is she, 12. And you have an account with us, yes. No problem at all, bring her and her passport in with you and we'll have it set up there and then. "What about KYC" I ask, no problem you're an existing customer and the relationship will actually be with you, all we need is some sort of photographic ID for your daughter. OK, can you tell me something/anything about the account? It has 5% interest and as long as you sign for it she'll get a debit card, otherwise we issue a cash card.

So that was that. I turn up on Saturday morning with wife and daughter in tow to open L's new bank account. Personal wanker number 1 is busy so we end up with personal wanker number 2. They appear to have come straight out of the same mould.

"Hello, we'd like to open an account for our daughter".

"Oh excellent, you can't start them too young, how old is she?".

"12, here's her passport, I was told you'd need this".

"Great, now if we could just update your details". She then went through the whole DOB, first line of address, mother's maiden name routine.

"And have you got some ID?".

"Yeah, I brought my passport just in case".

"Oh, i'll just update........oh hang on this passport has expired (by 2 days)?".


"Well I need it to update your details before we can open your daughters account".

"Hang on a minute, I came in during the week and spoke to her (points finger at other personal wanker) who told me what I needed, there wasn't even any mention of my ID."

"But I need to update your details."

"You've just done a security check, exactly what details do you need to update? That passport contains none of my current information, 2 days ago the information wouldn't have been any better?"

"Your DOB, just a few things really?"

"You've just asked me to confirm my DOB to confirm my identity, what EXACTLY do you need to update?"

"Just some things"

"Right, can you tell me how long I've held an account with Barclays"

"12 years Mr B"

"Good, now can you tell me how many accounts I hold with Barclays"

"Yes X"

"That's right so for the last 12 years you've known everything about my life from the date I got married to how much our last holiday cost but now you need to update some things? You can also see that in that time I've opened X extra accounts all without any trouble?"

"Well I don't know what they did then but I need to update your details! You'll have to come back next week"

"No I won't I've got a better idea, how about I just close all my accounts. You know I am who I say I am, I want to open another account this should be a 5 minute job."

"Well if that's what you want to do."

The problem here is that I'm not actually just a normal Barclays customer. I'm a Barclays Private Wealth client and so have the pleasure of being treated like a fucking Russian drug smuggling terrorist each time I need to use the bank (Seriously, try going into a mainland branch to take out money as a “international” customer). However when I first opened my Barclays bank account I wasn't one of these "super" clients, in fact I walked in to my local branch (that had 3 staff, all of which I knew on first name terms) with my provisional driving license and a nice new £10 note. Up until a few years ago I was just a normal Barclays customer. It looks like without being asked I've now been moved to this new international banking offshore department with it's fancy pants security (of course any Russian mafia bosses wanting to launder their money are more than welcome, it's just us resident locals that can have the pleasure of being inconvenienced). Barclays offshore don't differentiate between international customers and offshore residents and it's fucking ridiculous.

So in the meantime I've enquired at a few of the other "offshore" banks and it looks like Barclays are in a minority here. If I open my account with HSBC, I'm treated as a personal customer and it's no different to walking into any other branch in the UK. It's exactly the same as every other bank I enquired at, international offshore is separate to offshore resident. All accept cunting Barclays.

Instead of closing my Barclays accounts I’ve decided I'm going to open my accounts (and 1 for my daughter) with the HSBC and leave 1 penny in each of my Barclays accounts. That way they'll continue to waste money sending me monthly statements, debit cards, cheque books and the likes but they'll not have any of my money. Thinking about it with a calm head I think this is probably the best thing that could have happened, there is no way I would have first opened my account with them if I knew I was going to end up grouped with the international (druggy money launderers) so there is no way I should let my daughter start a banking relationship with them either. Barclays, what a bunch of wankers.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

One Civil Service Breakfast Please

I am a Civil Servant now working for the man and riding the gravy train.

However I am a new Civil Servant and have not quite succumbed to the depths some of them plunge.

The one that really gets me is eating breakfast at their desks in the morning. So what they basically do is, clock in to get their flexi time going and then head to the kitchen and make their porridge or what ever and then sit down at their desk and eat their breakfast whilst surfing the internet.

Cheeky Buggers.

I might start adding the 15/20 mins in take me to eat my breakfast AT HOME on to my flexi. I would start ranting at them but it’s half the buggers in the office, even some of the bosses…

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Clinton Bastard Cards

Seeing as how it is the birthday get together tonight of the anonymous one I thought it would be appropriate to go and get a birthday card. What the fuck was I thinking, sorry fella but what sort of an inconsiderate git has his birthday this time of year? If you ask Clinton Bastard Cards I'm sure they'd tell you no one! I'd guess that anyway judging by the complete lack of anything decent birthday'ish in their stupid shop. How many different types of stupid fucking valentines cards does one shop need to stock (don't try and answer that, the calculator that can go that high hasn't been invented yet).

I know I'm not alone with this one either because the one tiny area of their shop that did have birthday cards was so packed there were flustered house wives being carried out on stretchers. So this is my personal plea to Clinton Bastard Cards, yes we all know it's Valentines Day next week, and yes we all know that we're going to be made to feel guilty enough to go and spend £5 on some stupid piece of card shit that ends up in the bin 24 hours later but for fucks sake please also remember that people will be born, celebrate birthdays, get sacked, get new jobs, be christened, get sick and die this time of year as well.