Is there a doctor in the house?

I hate going to the doctor, probably more than anything else ever. I'd rather go shopping around Tescos on a Sunday than go to the doctor so I'm going to need a little help with my symptoms:-

• Pounding headache


• Everything above my neck feels swollen, it feel like I'm growing horns from my temples


• Dizziness and throwing up


• At least 2 blackouts a day, for no more than a few seconds though


• Difficuly breathing


• Polar heart monitor says my heart rate is very fast


• By far the wierdest, I can't yawn. I feel tired, I try to yawn and then half way through my body just stops. It then takes 3 or 4 more goes before I can complete my yawn

I've had this for the last couple of days now, I thought it was a hangover at first but this is a new one on me, I'm guessing that this is what a migraine feels like? I've never had one so I'm not sure, anybody whose ever had a migrane like to comment?

Sleep, Spelling and Nothing

I’ve been saying this for years…. I’ve been sleeping with my wife for something like 6/7 years, I’m sure she’ll remember exactly, and I still can’t get a good night sleep whilst she’s in the bed. I’ve always said we should have two beds, and finally the scientist’s have confirmed my theories.

It’s just not natural having someone that close to you when you are trying to sleep.

Whilst I’m on at you, I am getting lazier and lazier on this spelling malarkey, I just put down some approximate looking or sounding letters and let Word sort it out for me. I must stop doing that. Spelling has never been my strong point.

I have desperately trying to get a blog post out for a few days now, but absolutely nothing is popping in to my brain. I get the odd idea when drunk, but come the next day at work, I can’t remember anything.

Spring Is In The Air

It looks like Spring has actually arrived today, all of the signs are there. It's not the obvious ones I look out for though, you can ignore the sound of lawn-mowers, the sight of Swallows dancing merrily in the air, the one thing that signals spring to me is the start of the great Chav mating ritual.

Throughout every council estate in the land people start to gather at front doors, a cup of tea and fag for the lady, can of Carling for the boys, Stella I'll-Twat-Ya for the men and not forgetting the Blue Wicked for the young uns. Good on them, without this annual ceremony how else would affairs start between neighbours and the 13 year old from next door get pregnant? It's one of the last great British institutions and I think we should all fight to protect it.

TT 2007

TT 2007: for once I’m really looking forward it to this year. It’s not as if I usually hate it, apart from the shitty Fair that charge’s £5 a go for a 1 minute ride. Fuckers. You then have the kid’s whinging to go down to the fair, and you have to constantly tell them, to ask their other Parents, but that’s another story.

Even the fact that my little Bro & his missus are coming over isn’t the only reason for my optimism.

It’s just that this year is my year to really enjoy everything as much as I can; even I have to wear those Rose Coloured Glasses I bought on eBay.

Especially since this year is the centennial of the event, and so far 19,500 motorbikes alone are booked on to the ferry service. Add to that the thousands of other people that are coming it should just be a fortnight of Fun.

It’s the one time of the year that the Island comes to life, with events staged all over the place. Plus this year the kids are older, so they have less looking after.

Oh yes I am deffo looking forward to this years event..

300

Took a long lunch break today, mainly because I couldn't wait any longer to watch 300. To summarise it's about a battle between 300 Spartan soldiers and the entire Persian army. Spartans are hard as, the Persian are all a bit airy fairy, so a pretty good ruck goes on for almost the whole 2 hours.

I'll warn you now, if there is an opposite of a chick flick, then this is it. We have naked lady flesh, blood, guts and every single death is in slow motion with extra added blood spray as a bonus. There are a few emotional bits, well I say that but they're all happy dying so there isn't really any emotional attachment between the characters. If you prefer your films to be "for the critics" then this may also not be for you, me, I bloody loved it! A complete and utter old school action flick without the compulsery hour of shite that they seem to have to put in these days to keep the ladies happy. This will be a must have for my DVD collection.

Favourite dialog:-

Spartan King: "I trust that scratch hasn't made you useless?"
Spartan Whose Just Lost An Eye: "Hardly my lord, it's just an eye, the gods saw fit to grace me with a spare"

Score:-
Historical Accuracy - 0/10
As a Film- 9/10 (It would have got a 10 if there would have been more lesbians)

Saturday Night Live

I can’t wait. Saturday Night a select few of the most handsome gentlemen on the Isle of Man are out on the lash. These are not any ordinary fine-looking lads; these could be described as “The Manx Lads”.

We’ll be meeting early to dish out the Shitty Sticks, which are compulsory for fighting off the Ladies. We’ll start off with a few quiet drinks, throwing ideas around for our next Internet Domination Plan, and then before we know it, we’ll be surrounded by countless leggy blondes, all teeth and silicone, with little fanny pelmet’s and FMB’s.

That’s when the Shitty Sticks will appear, and we’ll open up a can of Whoop Arse on their East European tight arses. We’ll whittle out the chaff and be left with the top totty.

Then we’ll retire to the Snug, and allow them to ply us with drinks all night. As the midnight bell tolls, we’ll disappear in to the dark, with the chicks wondering, “Who were those Manx Hunks?”

That’s Plan A, Plan B is to meet up, drink beer, drink more beer, talk bollocks all night, try and make it to the Kebab Shop and walk home eating Chips, Cheese & Gravy.

I’m happy with either plan; it’s absolutely ages since I’ve been out on a Saturday night with my mates.

Sennheiser PXC 300

I was lucky enough to get these for Christmas from my fantastically generous and gorgeous wife.

When I first got them I thought they were the dogs bollacks, but the price of batteries combined with my lack of funds over the last month meant I couldn't use them properly. I've just stocked up on AAA batteries, turned up the volume and... fucking heh. The sound is awesome.

If you're listening to your music on anything less you're either a girl or a hoey.

Money For Nothing

Last night, the popular TV Program 'Tonight with Trevor McDonald' was championing the cause of these poor unfortunates who have lost a fortune due to the Banks providing Equity 'scams' in the 90s.

For example; one chappie took £2 from Barclays and now owes them £5million. Or something.

It all tugs at the heart strings and all, but to be honest, it's the usual run of greedy, whinging bastards who thought they were onto a free lunch.

Consider the following conversation
Greedy Whinging Old Bastard: Hello, Mr Bank. I'd like some money
Facist Financial Corporation: Er, sure. How much?
Whinger: I'd like £20,000 now. And then you pay me £400 every month for the rest of my life
Facist: Ok....how much were you thinking of repaying us each month?
Whinger: Nothing. Zip. Nada. Bugger all.
Facist: I see. So we give you £20,000 now and (assuming you live another 20 years) a further £96,000 and you don't repay us anything?
Whinger: Correct.
Facist: Er....
Whinger: But I own a house. It's worth £100k
Facist: Hmm. How about this: sign 75% of it over to us. We'll let you live in it rent free for the rest of your life, guaranteed
Whinger: What if house prices go down as some people predict and I live another 30 years? You'll lose an absolute fortune. The interest on £20,000 alone will amount to tens of thousands.
Facist: WE'LL TAKE THE RISK. We're nice like that.
Whinger: Sounds good to me (you dumb bastards)
Facist: It's a deal

Whinger dies 4 years later (while driving the Lexus he bought for £20,000)

Whinger's children: The house is now worth £200k. And our beloved parent only got £20k from the bank. So basically, they've made a killing and we've lost our inheritance.

QED: Banks must be twats

Pay Reviews

Although I had a great weekend, what with Wigan winning, Sale Sharks drawing (which is a hell of a lot better than they have done for the last 8 games) and all the other Rugby that was on.

Not to mention a lovely Mother’s Day and playing with the kids, there was something on my mind most of the weekend, especially when I wasn’t doing anything and the brain wanders.

You see at work, I accidentally came across the MD’s encrypted email, with a password protected spreadsheet that showed what everyone’s wages are, what they will be after the pay increase, and of course everyone’s Bonus for last year and this.

Then after stumbling upon it, the email accidentally decrypted and then the password, just sort of popped in to my head.

I don’t really mind what other people get, good for them, everyone needs to look after themselves. But what really get’s me is the fact that as the only IT person in the company, I’m treated as an unnecessary extra. They don’t see me as adding anything to the whole. Only three people didn’t get a Bonus this year, one is leaving it a month, one only joined 3 months ago and ME, who has been here 4 years, without getting a bonus.

Christ even the Cleaner got £25 out of petty cash…………

By pay increase is derisory. £500 squid, when the average is around £1500.

But what can I do?

At least when I walk in to the little meeting we all have to explain the pay review, I won’t be expecting anything. I will be forewarned and forearmed.

So I need to have my rant prepared and then I’m going to storm out at the end, saying I’m going home….

Then my plan for the rest of the year is to do as little as possible and concentrate on winning the lottery or finding some rich ailing relatives.

I’ve lost my built up rage, so I can’t be arsed finishing this blog.

Programmers - We don't (quite) know everything

Just because I'm a programmer doesn't mean I can fix your:

- video recorder
- mail merge
- network share
- phone system
- excel spreadsheet

Actually, I can. But that's beside the point.

Everything in the world, from you mobile phone to your dishwasher has a computer chip in it and, therefore, sofware. Doesn't somehow make it my responsibility.

After all, you wouldn't ring up Mr. Intel and ask him to come round and fix your Microwave Oven.

And why not?

Coz he'd tell you to fuck off.

Anybody Had a 10% Pay Rise Over The Last Year?

Things like this really get on my tits. Has anybody really had a 10% pay rise this year? Come on, own up! In reality a few high flyers who more likely than not work 7 days a week, have no life outside of work and have sacrificed years of their life towards their career have had huge performance related pay rises, whilst Average Joe gets the best part of sweet FA (1-2% at most).

What bugs me is that these figures are only used for 1 thing (except for giving the government another excuse for one more job for the boys), to justify pay rises in the public sector! I can just see all the civil servants now "but I only had 4% this year"*, it will be straight to the union, the union who also happen to be civil servants hmmmm I see a flaw there. A full 25% of the entire working population on the rock is employed by the public sector, thats 1 in 4 working people, or 10,000 out of a population of 80,000. That leaves another 30,000 to pay for 50,000. Ignoring the fact that public sector pay is already better than the private sector (for roughly equivalent jobs), I can guarantee bigger pay rises this year, a greater gap in salaries between them and us, and a much bigger pension liablilty for the other 3 quarters of the working population to cover. Bastards.

*Ignoring the increment that every civil servant not at the top of their scale gets, which more likely brings it closer to 6-7%

Note To Self

When it comes to building your business, there are 4 words that should be echoing in your mind throughout the day; they are “Do it Fucking Now.”

We’re not talking about checking your stats or your RSS reader incessantly throughout the day. And we’re not talking about surfing MySpace, Digg, Blogs, Fark, Television or some other time waister.

We’re talking about developing your online properties and applications. We’re talking about creating new campaigns to drive links and revenue. When we say “Do it Fucking Now”, we’re talking about those tasks that you keep putting off which, when completed, will start putting more money in the bank.

So stop looking at blogger and Do it Fucking Now.

A tribute to the Cuckoo

This is the first poem and only poem my Dad taught me as a small child. I have never forgotten it and I taught it to my eldest and I look forward to once again passing it down to my youngest.

The Cuckoo

The Cuckoo is a most peculiar Bird
As it sit’s upon the grass.
With its wings neatly folded
And its beak up its arse
In this queer position it mutters, “twit, twit”
Cause its hard to say “Cuckoo” with a beak full of shit!

Thank you Father.

Inconsiderate

There are different levels of inconsideration, such as not looking behind you as you walk through a door, to see if you need to keep the door open for someone behind you. For some reason, that one really get’s to me. I think it’s because I lived in Germany for 4 years, and the boxheads never do it. They just walk through and let it slam in your face, but don’t get me going on boxheads.

Anyhoo, one of my moments on utter inconsideration, came whilst I was in the Army and had been tasked with providing the signal’s or radio support for the Army Cross Country Ski Marathon in Austria. These athlete’s had been training for a year to build up their stamina and endurance for what is a gruelling 100 km course in minus 15 weather conditions.

Anyway, the night before the 4.00 am start, I briefed everybody on their locations, call signs, SOP’s etc and thought we should all go for a beer before hitting the sack and getting an early night.

Of course, if you get 12 Army lads, just going for a quick beer and then bed, well then you haven’t really got 12 Army lads. Our quick beer turned out to last several hours and we finally got back to the Camp at 3.00am. As everyone was meant to be getting up at 4am we decided it wasn’t worth going to sleep, so we sat around chatting and finishing off some beers.

Of course the competitors weren’t impressed, and kept shouting at us to shut up, which we would for 2 or 3 mins and then start getting louder and louder.

Anyway, I would like to apologise to all those who took part in the Army Cross Country Ski Marathon around 1988, I’m sure the last thing you needed every 20km was some hung over, beer stinking squaddie breathing all over you as he clipped your Checkpoint card.

Sorry

Regret's, No Actually I don't

I was going write a humorous blog post on all the things I have regretted doing in my life. However, two things stop me

1. My wife reads the blog


2. I regret nothing

One thing I have learnt other the years is that second guessing yourself, and self reflection are for wasters. You can’t change the past so what’s the point of worrying about it? I believe the person I am now, is the sum total of my life experiences, both the good and bad.

Trust me I have done a “few” things that should cause me pause for thought, but fuck it, too late now.

So I regret nothing.

As one of my friends is want to say,

“There is nothing so over rated as a bad shag, and nothing so under-rated as a good shit”

Hope everyone remembers it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday……….

Inane Drivel

Thank Christ it’s Friday at last. This week has dragged and dragged, and finally the end is neigh. I can’t be bothered to do any work today, hence the blog post that isn’t actually going to be about anything.

I had a lovely walk to work this morning (I warned you this post would be banal), the Sun was pretty much shinning, the birds may or may not have been singing (as I had my headphones on and listening to the “Best of Johnny Cash” I couldn’t hear). So the day started well, it’s that now I’m in work, I can’t be arsed to do anything.

I finally got notification, a month after my interview that I wasn’t successful in my application to that job I went for. This is a bummer, out of all the jobs I’ve applied for in the last 2 years, that was the only one I really wanted! So I have decided that I’m not applying for anymore jobs. I am just going to sit on this Gravy Train until I’m pushed or fall off. I get paid reasonably well, and I do very little (which is half the reason I want to move). At least I have made a firm decision, one way or the other.

I did “win” a Tier 3 award through work, which is our Employers way of making you feel like you are a valuable asset without actually costing them anything. I won mine for “Exemplary efforts during office systems migration and upgrading”, however, the secretary upstairs also won one for “Excellent claims handling service to ****** Insurance Limited”, where all she does is type out the minutes, print and post them. So you see how cooonting shallow and pointless they are. Yet there a brown nose cooooooonts around here that print them off (you get a little certificate) and pin them to their cubicle’s. TWATS.

I almost forgot, what with the idle ramblings of a bored person, I got a new wife last night. She’s a right looker as well. Who said, Blondes have more fun? Brunettes are right goers. I now have my very own LBFM.

Tonight, we have a couple coming round to taste my new wife’s culinary mastery, and of course sample some of our shop bought wines.

Saturday is an early Birthday for middle Son as he’s off on a School trip early Sunday, which is his actual Birthday.

Of course there is loads of Rugby on as well, this weekend.

That’s it. See ya.

You Can't Beat Free

Cable & Wireless had their Isle of Man Launch last night, with a Champagne Reception at a local Wine Bar. Being a leading light in the IT Industry on the Isle of Man, I was graciously invited and accepted in a similar manner.

I arrived bang on time, as is my way and settled in to my first glass of champers.

I soon realised I had diddily squat in common with the rest of the Free Loaders and so I found a nice corner near the bar and proceeded to drink as fast as I could.

I did get the odd stupid question put to me: “Would you like a top up Sir?” but they soon got the idea that the answer was always Yes.

At one point a representative of Cable & Wireless, who are going under the guise of Sure, did try to talk to me about the launch, but as she hardly spoke any English, I ended up ignoring her till she left.

I did ask her at the start of the conversation if she had been brought over by C&W to work here. She assured me that was not the case and that she was from the Isle of Man. No fucking way Love, was my reply, you off-white non English let alone Manx speaking come-over.

Anyway, 1 hour 45 mins after my initial arrival, I was well and truly pissed. I phone my good lady wife for a Taxi ride home, and went and positioned myself next to the finger food. Most people were taking one spring roll and a chicken piece at a time. I was grabbing them by the hand full until the call arrive to say she was outside.

I grabbed my bag of free goodies and left.

On that note: if you are going to throw in a USB flash drive, 64Mb is no use to fucking anyone……

It was a brilliant couple of hours, and you can’t beat free.

Retort to Michael

"What I need right now, is money, not long term investments"

Which is probably what you said 20 years ago when you were offered a Savings Plan that paid out a lump sum on your 40th.

The Moral: There can never be too many smart-arses in the world.

For a start Michael, I've virtually never had a steady income that's lasted longer than 4 years.. And there have been plenty of years where I've had no income.

20 years a go I was holding back the Red Army in war torn West Germany. I would be paid on the Friday and skint by Monday...... That was the Army way. If you had money left a week after pay day, you were charged, beaten, buggered and thrown in Jail.  

I live and have lived my entire life; a hand to mouth existence. It is the nature of my beast. Saving has never been an option, neither has forward planning, or birth control.

But thank you for your words.

As they say, words are cheap, either had over your savings or find me a high paying non-IT job.

Thank you

Useless Pension Plan

I've just tried to cash in the Invisimail Pension plan that is doing absolutely nothing.

Yet they, Zurich who run the plan, say I can't.

What's the point of that?

• I'm not paying in to it,


• I can't transfer it to my current work plan,


• I doubt I’ll live to see 60. (either my body or the planet will give up before then.)

In fact the pension age will no doubt be 95 if the fat cat city bastards have their way.

What I need right now, is money, not long term investments.........................

Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooonts

It’s Blatant False Advertising.

The window of our local Ann Summer’s has a huge sticker advertising their latest Remote Controlled Sex Toy: The Love Bug.

To Quote the Website:
Picture the scene: dinner à deux in your favourite restaurant when suddenly whoosh - vibrations so divine you're clenching the tablecloth in ecstasy. This deceptively powerful matt silver love egg features three speeds and four pulse settings, all operated by the remote control with a range of 6 metres. Whisper-quiet this baby works internally or externally for some serious clitoral lovin'.

However, as part of the advert there is a Remote control as used by Model enthusiasts, a huge black thing with a 1 meter aerial, that needs gripping in two hands. Yet go to the website and it’s a discreet little thing that will fit in your pocket.

I think they should have stuck with the huge one. That’s what men want, some oomph! Plus the other part, the bit that slips in to “wherever” should be petrol driven with a pull start. That bellows a cloud of smoke when going.

What is also curious is the statement: “Not for use in Cyprus” WTF is that all about?

El Laberinto del Fauno

I'm not sure whether I've ever scene a film with such gore and beauty; joy and sadness; gritty realism and the fantastic.

I'm not sure whether I can fault it.......nope.

For those who will never see the movie, the star is a little girl who may (or may not) be totally imagining the fantasy world of the Labyrinth.

The sadness of the film derives from this simple fact; her only happiness comes from something that doesn't truly exist.

She's obviously crazed.

This made me think: we accept so much as fact. Be it High Blood Pressure, Global Warming, Iraq or Victoria Beckham. And yet we will never 'see' these for ourselves.

And yet, if I were to see a Unicorn or ride on a Pegasus, then I would be a nutter.

At the end of the day, we are all entombed in the reality of our own minds. And to the little girl, the Labyrinth is real.

That's all that counts.

Pan's Labyrinth Review

A few of the Lads and I went to see Pan’s Labyrinth last night at the flicks.

This was a film I had been looking forward to since stumbling across a review on the Internet, months ago. However, the Isle of Man rarely get’s any “small” films, as the two cinema’s over here tend to play it safe with the mainstream blockbusters, and occasionally both cinema’s show the same film at the same time…

It had been up for 6 Academy Award Nominations, of which it won 3.

It rates at 96% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Even the BBC gives it 5 out of 5. That's almost as good as the Queen herself adding her thumbs up:

The trailer can be viewed here.

Finally and I quote:

“Del Toro's trademark visual flair gets its finest ever chance to shine, rendering the tale onscreen so perfectly that the subtitles are barely needed. Every actor - most notably, Ivana Baquero's wide-eyed Ofelia and Sergi López's vicious, glittering Captain – excels. Compelling from first frame to last, Pan's Labyrinth never misses a chance to wrench, quell or quicken your heart: this visionary project propels Del Toro into the highest league of filmmakers. There can be no excuses. See this film.”

Anyway, all I can say is EXCELLENT.

I really enjoyed it and after 5 mins, I even forgot I was reading subtitles. It is a fantastic story, great acting and riveting. I would love to write a fantastic review, but words aren’t my forte. If you get a chance see it. However, I’ve hyped it up now, and you’ll be let down….

Middle Aged House Wives And Drugs

There's a class of person I hate more than any other. The lazy whinging middle aged lazy bitch house wife. Anybody whose entire "working" life has consisted of bringing up their own children (I still can't see how bringing up your own kids can ever be classed as work, is wiping your own arse classed as work as well, shouldn't there be a social security benefit for people who wipe their own arse?) and having lunch with the girls* should have the good sense to be fucking gratefull that they've had such an easy life.

I was in the gym this morning, I did a 14 hour working day yesterday so I deserved a trip to the gym, when one of the go every day, I married a succesful man 15 years older than me and he's kept me in everything I've ever needed since I was 20 women started ranting at the top of her voice about what a shit her husband was. What was the cause of this upset he'd caused her? Well, he'd only gone and said they can't go away at easter for her birthday because HE HAS TO WORK, she's got to settle with just having a big party for now and the holiday later on in the year! At that point I've never wanted to be a woman so much in my life, not to fondle my own breasts, but to just go over and twat her for being such a spoilt ignorant bitch. I hope he buggers off with the 20 year old secretary and leaves her with nothing.

On a slightly seperate note my bus trip home was great, I was treated to a couple of lads shouting about how much coke they've done in the last week. I learnt loads about the drug scene over here and where to get the good shit. Apparantely there's a ton of really good skunk going about at the moment, a few tokes and your dead on your arse. They then argued about who could get the most pills at the weekend, I think they settled at 400 by tomorrow night, so thats good. Anyway, the next time I hear one of the toss pot Manx politicians telling everyone about how much better life is over here I'll recommend that he tries taking a trip on the no 21 bus.

I'm off to get skunked up. (Is that how you say it?)

* A very lose use of the term girls, women who like to act and think of themselves as girls.

Great Night Out

I went out with a couple of the lads last night, and it started out very well as the Guest Bitter in the Railway was fantastic, really smooth, creamy and very drinkable. If you throw in the good atmosphere of the Pub, and great company I was in, it turned out to be a great start to the Night.

Some Paddy chick did come over to offer her opinion of the England/Ireland game (I was wearing my England Rugby top), from her accent though, she sounded Northern Irish, which would make her British not Irish.

We moved on to a couple of other Pubs, but none turned out to be as good as the Railway.

We finally ended up in the Rovers and the Bushy’s Bitter. It is here that the evening went slightly down hill, some how we ended up listening to Bruce Lee's fat scouse brother.

There is a saying: It’s better to remain silent and let them think you are an idiot, rather open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Unfortunately this fella didn’t have that wisdom. Within seconds of him sitting down, he was rabbiting on about his Karate and Judo. How he was dead hard and from Kirby…. Anyhoo: a class one idiot.

Luckily we were saved by last orders.

All in all it was an excellent evening.