Tuesday, May 30, 2006

TT week and the Weekend that Was.

TT week has started and as usual that means wet weather. I always feel sorry for the poor sods that make it over every year. All they get is wet and robbed by the thieving Manxie’s who up the price on everything for a fortnight once a year. Mind you, I doubt any actual real honest to god Manxie’s own anything anymore. We are a dying breed.

To help get in to the TT spirit; we have a family sweepstake running on how many people will be killed this year.

I have 9 & 11, Wife has 5 & 12, Baby has 8 & 2, middle son has 3 & 7, eldest son 4 & 6.

So far we are up to 2 dead (first day) and two very critical… so the £5 is looking like it’s mine.

As for the weekend, nothing much. We did go out on Saturday night with a load of friends and had an extremely good evening, lots of cheap food and wine. I was extremely drunk and as far as I’ve heard back so far, I didn’t make an arse of myself and didn’t have a go at anyone.

Saturday afternoon as saw Sale Sharks crown Guinness Premiership Champions, winning their first silverware in 143 years… Well done lads, it was a cracking match.

We also had a family day at the Isle of Man Wild Life Park on Monday. Which was up to it’s usual poor standard. Half the attractions are empty. However, I was very impressed with the new Fruit Bat enclosure.

That’s it really, I’m trying to motivate the lads to go and see Xmen 3 this week, but it’s proving harder than I thought.

And in reply to Carol’s comment, I did buy a brand new HD LCD TV, but we’ve had it six months now, and so I want a new one… You know what boys and their toys are like.

And for all of those that can’t get to the TT party, here are a number of webcams available around the Island. (I haven’t tried them all)

Prom Cam:

Bay Cam:

Bay cam2:

Marina Cam:

Snaefell Cam:

A18 North bound Cam:

(Snaefell Mountain Road at the Bungalow)Laxey Valley Cam:

A18 South bound Cam:

(Snaefell Mountain Road at the Bungalow)Peel Cam:

At roughly eight o'clock tonight RadioTT.com will be web casting the activities from the Big Screen on Douglas promenade.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Telemarketing Calls – Bastards the lot of them.

After reading LC’s blog, where he’s ranting at receiving unsolicited calls, it reminded me, that we have been getting more and more of them.

So I finally did something about it and registered our number with the TPS.


So hopefully they should stop in the next week or so.

But they really are bastards.

It’s been a while

As you may have noticed, there has been a lacking of posting recently. This is mainly because nothing is happening in our private lives, and too much is happening in our work lives to post any old shitte. I was unable to post at work for a while, and then when I found a way around that, I just could not be arsed anymore.

However, I thought I would make the effort today.

As for me, nothing is happening. My life is in limbo waiting for our little break away without kids in the Lake District, mind you that is in July and we booked it in January. Daniel is Nappy training now, and has been fantastic, I honestly think he has only had two accidents and they were in the first two days. The boy is simply years ahead of his peers.

I have not seen my older Son in a month, he hasn’t bothered coming up on the weekends as he’s too busy with his mates in Ramsey. Which makes me a little sad when I get his text (he doesn’t even bother to actually phone and speak to me), but hey, as I grew up I was the same with my Dad. So it’s all Karma, paying me back.

The middle Son’s career in the theatre is coming along nicely and he recently made it in to the Xmas Panto. He also collects his Oscar tomorrow.

The incredibly sexy woman I married has a new job, which should start in the next few weeks.

I have finally been given one of the courses at work, however, I had asked for Five, but they can’t do that, and will only approve them one at a time, even though the cost will be double for them. Plus it does mean that I have to stay with the company for two years, otherwise I would have to pay back the cost of the course.

I am also off to Guernsey for a couple of days in July for work.

Apart from that, there a three big Rugby games on this weekend:

Guinness Premiership Grand Final: Leicester v Sale, Sat Kick-off: 1500 BST
Super 14’s Grand Final: Crusaders v Hurricanes Sat Kick-off: 0835 BST
International: England v The Barbarians, Sun Kick-off: 1430 BST

One of the lads has booked his Sky HD installation and so we are all going round his to watch one of England World Cup games in stunning High Definition.  That’s more about the HD than the Football.

That is it really, apart from three out of the four of us that are meant to write on this blog are playing the same Xbox 360 game at the moment, which is one of the best games I’ve ever played.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

There's a compelling main quest for you to follow, which takes about 40 hours to finish the first time through, but the majority of the game's content is peripheral to that main quest. You can root out evil in hidden dungeons, join and climb the ranks in a number of different guilds, visit all the different towns and try to solve everybody's problems, compete in a long series of gladiatorial battles to the death, break into someone's home and rob them in their sleep, get caught and face the consequences, contract a disease that leads to vampirism and then try to find a cure, buy a house, steal a horse, invest in your favorite shop, and, if you can believe it, there's much more.

This may be a role-playing game, but you could play it like a pure action game, or like a stealth game, or like an adventure game, and it'll still be at least as good, if not better, than games that are specialized in these regards.

That’s it for another week.

Later Days

Bugger My Fascination with Gadgets and Bloody EBay

One of the lads has a smart new phone, which runs Windows instead of the usual Mobile phone interface. It looks great and is what I now want. Notice I say want, not need, as I don’t need a new phone, as I hardly use the one I’ve got. Anyhoo, these are the two phones I’m after:

Qtek 8020 Smartphone for £159.96

Or the more expensive but Wifi enabled;

i-mate SP5 Smartphone for £300

In fact (I’m sure infact should be one word) I have made a couple of bids on ebay for them and missed out each time by £2. They went for £52 and £37 for the 8020.

In case (I’m sure incase should be one word as well) you were wondering what else I want, here is a list should any of you win the lottery.

Panasonic TH37PX60CAB  - Plasma 37" Viera HD TV

Panasonic VDR-D150EB-S DVD Camcorder

New Honda CR-V Executive Car

I want a new Camera as well, fancy new MP3 player, Surround sound system for the TV and loads more stuff…

I can only dream

Friday, May 19, 2006

Cotton Buds

So, I was sitting on the toilet, motioning. Ok, that's funny.


...I see the Cotton Buds container on the shelf so I grab it and have a quick read of the labelling, just to pass the time.

And, as we all know it says "Do not insert into the Ear Canal" which is where we all inevitably stick them. So my point is this; if they're not for cleaning out your ears, WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

I can think of no other part of my body that isn't better served by cleaning with a Power Shower, soap and a flannel.

So where? Up your nose, down your jappa, where? They're are so clearly made for cleaning a very small orifice.

They put the warning on the packaging just to get round being sued by newly deaf people. It's like putting "Do not smoke" on the side of a pack of ciggies.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

Trout Tickling

We were down the Pub last night, and in the toilets above the urinal is a picture of some old time gents Tickling for Trout. Every time I see it, it reminds me of when my Dad taught me to tickle trout, and we spent many a happy day down Molly Quirk’s catching trout.

So it’s time to pass on my field craft knowledge to my sons. The first sunny day we get this summer, I shall frog march them down the Glen and get them wet, dirty and hopefully happy.

Whether they like it or not.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I’m back

You wont believe what the b$stards at work have done, they have rerouted
our Internet traffic through their Proxy servers. I know my ghast was
flabbered. Hence I no longer have MSN, and I can no longer look at any Blog
sites, or ebay or any of the hot girly sites….. I feel emasculated.

Anyway, where there is a will there is away.

I have enabled email posting on this website; hence you are reading this

Also there is one unsecured wireless network within range of our office. If
I take the laptop and put it in the far corner of the server room, I get a
very weak signal, but a signal never-the-less.

With this method I was able to communicate briefly with Donna on MSN. I
felt I was fighting for the French Resistance (oxy moron) and getting a
secret communiqué from behind enemy lines, back to the boys in blighty….

Anyway, I shall continue to post, whether you lot like it or not, and I
shall continue to read all those blogs out there, by hook or by crook.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

It's a Dogs Life - part 2

Okay, now I've got Derek "I'm a gay scouse conman" Akora on TV. He's a medium (aka yappy tw*t).

He has looked into the beyond, he has enquired of dead souls on the other side, he has searched Hades for knowledge grim (i.e. he has randomly made up some sh*t that sounds convincing).

And apparently Bruce and Lezzie "are almost certainly going to get those dogs back".

Phew, Derek saves the day. I bet Brucie is delighted.

Bugger this old age!

I didn’t get to use my super duper new iron last night. Straight after work I had Rugby, and during one of my scything runs, just as I was opening up and almost flying over the pitch; my quad muscle went twang. I went down like a ton of bricks. However, after much cursing, I picked myself up and carried on playing on virtually one leg. After all if Olly Morgan can play a Premiership match with a broken jaw, I can carry on with a snapped Quadricep Muscle; my rectus femoris to be precise.

Anyway, I couldn’t walk last night and only just managed to finish a Chinky and a cheeky bottle of red; through the haze of constant pain.

I was actually hoping it would be worse today, as an excuse not to come to work, but alas, although sore I can just about walk.

Another well done, must go to my wife, on securing her new job yesterday.

And a well done also goes to Mikey for his frequent; if senseless postings.

Later Days

It's a Dogs Life

I feel a rant coming on.

Brucie Forsyth's daughter, Lezzie, has been the latest victim of a dog-napping. Her two Scottie Dogs (aka yappy tw*ts) were swiped from her car while she was busy feeding her face in a KFC.

So, Bruce and Lezzie have appeared on Good Morning UK to whinge like b*stards about this.

Now I have nothing against dogs; they make perfectly good food.

However, I hate celebrities. I can't believe that just because her father is a celebrity, this bitch gets national coverage to find her wretched mongrels. If I had my dog/goldfish/child swiped I wouldn't get that much exposure.

But what really prompted this blog was Brucie's total diva attitude.

Despite the fact that the stupid bitch shouldn't have locked the dogs in the car (hot day, cooked dog flesh etc), this is not where Brucie feels the blame lies. Lezzie was unable to set the car alarm because you can't set an alarm if there's something moving in the car (i.e. the dogs). He says that Car Manufacturs should solve this problem.

So, Ford, Chrysler, Renault, General Motors and Toyota should redesign their alarm systems in case you are a celebrity and want to lock your dogs in the car?

Gosh, what naughty Major Global Automotive Manufacturers for not thinking of this.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

My Wife

If you happen to see her, tell her I love her, lots.

Well done babe on your new job.

Shaven Ravers? No thanks

Celeste - one of brightest and most promising of the uni-named Porn Queens on the planet.

But what will she be remembered for? Her early work with the Mickey Mouse club? Unlikely, Britney and Christina have too long overshadowed her exploits there.

Her flings with Charlie Sheen? Unfortunately, his reinvention as TV Evangelist "Mrs Beachams" has relegated her to merely an embarrassing stain on his otherwise squeaky-clean persona.

Or maybe she won't be remembered at all. Porn Queens fade faster than a tattoo done with a cheap biro on a Greek chick in a sauna.

So, in a bizarre new twist, Celeste has signed up with Dr. Edgar Lampgrabber, eminent skin-graft expert to stars. His balding reversal techniques have been used extensively by celebrities such as Elton and Billie Piper and have thrust him, arse first, into the public-eye.

And now his magic is being applied to....the chin of Celeste.

Chin!? Indeed, after discussion with her bisexual agent J.K.Rowling, she's decided to relaunch her career as The First Bearded Lady of Porn.



I've run dry. I can't continue with this stupid story. And just in case you weren't sure, it's not true. I made it up.

But it really does make you think, would anyone pay to see a gorgeous, voluptuous porn star with a beard?


New Iron

Our iron blew up last night, well it didn’t blow up in the sense it blew up, but every time you plugged it in, the trip switch went on the house electrics.

So for all intense and purposes, it is fucked.

And this baby looks like it will be the new boy on the block by tonight.

Bosch Power Steam Iron TDS1017

It looks and reads like it the dogs bollocks, I can’t wait to get stuck into the ironing…

I’ll be like a pig in shit.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Universal Underpant Constant (UUC) P1

Although some of you probably think I have too much time on my hands, I have actually been doing serious study. Today I present Part 1 of my latest Nobel winning research.

Fact: We wear Underpants so that we don't soil our 'outerpants', meaning we can wear our (more expensive) outerpants for more than one day.

This is a fundamental economic construct of the 21st Century with billions of dollars being traded daily through companies manufacturing these intimates.

However, are we being misled?

Consider this, the average cost of a pair of Outers is $22. So, at what price point are underpants 'too expensive'?

For example; if, in a average week, Mr Average wears 8 pairs of underpants (the 8th being for a special night out) plus two pairs of outerpants at work, a pair of jeans covering the weekend and his special 'night out' pants his tally will be:

8b + 4a (Where a = Outerpants and b = Underpants)

However, what if he had decided to go commando and soil his Outerpants at work forcing a daily change. He also soils at the weekend but decides that denim is robust enough to take the abuse. We end up with this:

7a (i.e. he wears 7 pairs of outers and NO underpants!)

To solve the cut off point for Underpants, we must solve this equation:

8b + 4a = 7a

Given that the average price of Outers is $22 we can substitute and arrive at:

8b + 88 = 154

Rearrange to give

8b = (154 - 88)
8b = 66

Therefore b = $8.25

Sadly, for those guys wearing "quality" Underpants costing more than $8.25 you're just kidding yourselves.

Women, on the otherhand, should always wear two pairs of knickers. Coz they're are like slugs.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Bluff things for Work

Whilst in the Army I learnt that work is all about perception, the ability to look busy without being busy.

That’s where I learnt the Art of the Bluff Board and Bluff Keys. If you walk around with a wooden board with a Bulldog clip at one end and loads of paper clipped in, it look like you are in the middle of doing something really important.

Similarly if you have a huge set of keys with one key selected, it appears that at any moment you are about to open something really important and that hierarchy should leave you alone.

Well in the office environment I use Treesize Pro. It basically shows you various views, including chart views of all the data on a selected network drive. People see this and think, look at Paul and all that technical data on his screen, he really is keeping this network spick and span, let’s leave him alone and calculate his next years bonus.


I had decided some time during Thursday’s laborious working day that I would be taking a sicky on Friday. Once that thought was in my head, there was no way I would have made it in to work.

Hence, when the lads came around on Thursday night I threw myself into the beer drinking malarkey. It was a good night and it was very good to see Michael back on the Island. Although I think, he was a little girly in wanting us all to make a fuss over him. Moreover, NO, real men don’t hug, you great Canadian Faggot.

Any it was a good night.

Friday morning was fantastic, I watched a little TV and played a little Tomb Raider, and did some house work. Friday afternoon we went and got Ice Creams and sat in the sun, and even visited Michael at his Holiday Villa in Sunny Onchan.

Saturday we went to the Fun Barn that has recently opened up and enjoyed ourselves for 90 mins. That night we cooked ourselves a romantic meal, which didn’t turn out as nice as I would have wanted, but the company was fantastic.

Sunday was a lazy day, visiting a couple of people and helping Ady tow his car. Which was finished off with the first BBQ of the year. However, by the time we got round to eating it was spitting with rain, so we ate inside.

That was it really, or all I can remember.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Bastards and Money

My current, and I emphasize Current employers, are bastards. Firstly, they did not give me a bonus after our Company made MILLIONS in profits, in fact revenue for the first Qtr this year is $671 Million. They then promised me my MSCA training, which is a sum of 5 courses costing £5000 in total. I was sort of appeased at that, as that should make me more employable in the long run, plus they would be spending money on me, and finally I would get 25 days away from the office.

However, the bastards have shortchanged me; they have given me approval for ONE of the courses, what the fuck use is that. Coooonts.

So if anyone out there has a job going, which must be at least £35 grand a year, just shout.

Plus money, we don’t have any, and I hate people that do. It’s only the 4th of the month and we are already £600 overdrawn. I hate money. I hate everyone apart from my family today, and my poor friends. Bastards….

Touch Rugby, Car Keys

I played Touch Rugby last night, the first game of the season and it was a glorious sunny day to boot. I ran round like an idiot, refusing to give up the chase no matter how far ahead they were. In the first 10 mins I literally thought my chest would explode from the exertion, I had serious pains in my chest and head, but I ran through it and felt great. It’s amazing how much more vigorous sport is as opposed to exercise. The hour on the Rugby pitch only seemed like 20 mins, and I was completely fecked at the end. However, an hour in the Gym, feels like 2 hours and I’m only exhausted. I can’t wait till next week. Although my legs are killing me this morning, especially my right knee which has been giving me jip for the last few weeks. It might be time for a new one.

Anyway we finished Rugby and were all getting in our cars when one of the lads shouted that he had locked his Keys in the Car. So we spent a further 20 mins checking the pitch for them, just incase he had dropped them. We didn’t find them and so I gave him a lift to Peel, which means I was over an hour late getting home, which meant I missed seeing my little boy going to bed…

On the matter of the locked car, isn’t it strange how you get a certain guilty pleasure that it was someone else and not you? Or is that just me?

The evening was finished off watching the new Series 2 of Lost and a couple of glasses of wine.

All the lads are around tonight for beer and Xbox.

Later days

The Shortest Fairy Tale in History

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl,
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No".
And, the man lived happily ever after.

The End

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

How do you do it?

I was asked an interesting question by my Son last night, “How do you wipe your bum?”

Which was a very interesting question, I mean is there a correct way to do it, or is it what’s ever good for you. Was anyone taught the correct method growing up? I can’t remember being shown.

In the Army you are advised to use 3 sheets of toilet roll, One up, One down and One to shine.

I however, am an advocate, of approximately 7/8 sheets, with the first couple neatly folded over. I then wipe and fold over one sheet length and wipe again. This process is repeated till the anus area is spotless or if I run out of sheets, I rip off another 7/8 sheets and repeat.

In case you were interested, by Son grabs a “ball” of scrunched up toilet paper and vigorous wipes up and down.

I would be interested to hear of other peoples wiping process, I really would.

Well sort of interested, that is.

Britons 'put fun before babies'

Bastards…. These childless couple’s have all the fun and money they can cope with. Yet when they get older who do they expect to be looked after by? I’ll tell you who, our kids. The ones we have scrimped, saved, and sacrificed our lives to bring up.


Well they are all selfish bastards the lot of them.

Hanging is too good for em..

VB King

I spent all day yesterday programming. Well apart from reading blogs that is, and organizing Touch Rugby for tonight. However, the majority of time was spent being a developer.

It all started when I created a spreadsheet for someone at work, and they want to periodically sort the date columns to see which company was next due. So I decided to do a little Macro assigned to a button. It started with two buttons at the top of each column (one for Sort Ascending and one for Descending), then after some furious developing, I have one button that asks you if which way you want it sorted. But that still leaves one button at the top of each column. The next task I have given myself is a Customised Tool Bar Button that when you click it, you type the Column Letter you want sorting, and then it asks Ascending or Descending. If I get this to work, I can see me developing my own Operating System to rival Windows XP or even Vista within the week.

That is all.

Sad news. From the bereavements column in a U.S. paper

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. However, the most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in….... then the trouble started.

(You know it's funny).

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Another Bank Holiday Weekend.

Friday Night my extremely sexy wife cooked a wonderful meal for me, and I watched Rugby whilst she prepared it. Saturday was a kid’s day, doing things with kids and the such (actually, I can’t remember what we did, but it must have been something). Sunday was at various parks most of the afternoon, then we handed what children we had left to Grand Mother, and Max & I went for a meal at Fiesta Havana.

It’s the first time I had been there, but the food and the service was excellent, I shall definitely be going back.

Sunday, was a very quiet day, and Max and I just enjoyed each other’s company and ate Ice Cream. The day was finished off watching “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”, which wasn’t too bad.

That was it really.

This week’s event’s to look forward to? Playing a bit more Tomb Raider, meeting the returning Canadian Manxie, having the lads round on Thursday, and that’s about it really.

Later Days