Friday, December 09, 2016

Ever Wondered What It Would Be Like If You Never Met Your Other Half?

I have.  It's a thought that jumps in to my mind every now and then, usually when I'm pissed off about something trivial.  I like to imagine a couple of Karate world championships, kickboxing titles, sunny beaches and an endless stream of hot chicks.  Cos, you know, that's what I was all about back in the day.

Whilst in reality with a total lack of any discipline or self control when it comes to alcohol and an OCD for doing stupid, pointless shit with computers I would have either ended up dead in a gutter or a penniless loner locked away wasting my life on something like this:-

Was a close call.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Visited Guernsey For The First Time

Heard that it was very similar to the Isle of Man.  I suppose other than a few minor things like being clean, having nice roads, all the shop owners being helpful and friendly, reasonable prices, everybody being able to speak English, a void of boarded up shops and did I mention how clean and well kept the place was very similar.

I'm assuming they spent some of their tax haven money on infrastructure instead of the government funding a massive job creation scheme for their "mates".

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Bookmakers Bitching About Leicester Winning The League?

Massive pay out...blah blah blah

Somebody should ask them how much they MADE in the bets that were lost on people backing the other 19 teams to win the Premier League. You know the teams that were massively backed by huge numbers of loyal supporters?  The Liverpool fans who every year is their year?  The book size for outright Premier League winner is fucking enormous!  I would be amazed if any significant bookmaker lost a single penny on Leicester winning the league.

Sometimes I think that mainstream media understands fuck all about fuck all, yet people just soak it all up.

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Going To The Gym - Myth vs Reality

It's February, the time of year when gym memberships go through the roof as people get around to starting their New Years Resolutions after the hangover of January.  I've had 17 years of February's in the gym and I know the score pretty well, I also know that by the middle of March most gyms are back to "normal".  This isn't a post to laugh at people who can't stick to their resolutions, it's more a post of encouragement to let you know that if you've made the gym part of your weight/health goals for the new year and you're regretting it already that the problem might not be with you, it might be THEM.  You see every gym I've been a member off (and I've been a member of most on the island over the last 17 years) paints itself as the "friendly gym for everybody".  I've also done enough training off island to know that this applies globally as well.  I'm going to go over some of the myths of gym membership versus the actual reality.

Myth: We Welcome Everybody

Reality: We welcome everybody who we find sexually attractive or consider them to be a image boost for the gym.  Now depending on the make up of the ownership/staffing of the gym you could be OK here or you may fall by the wayside.  One gym I was a member off many moons ago had a young female member of staff who definitely took a liking for me from day one and I was very pally with everybody within weeks of joining.  Generally speaking if you're young and female you'll be fine, the staff will be on first name terms in little to no time.  The same applies if you are a local celebrity of some sort, consider "gains" to be your main goal in life or have employed the services of one of the regular personal trainers.  For everybody else you'll find them about as friendly as ISIS....OK maybe that is a little unfair as they do stop one step short of wanting to cut your head off just for existing!  Still you shouldn't forget your place, you are a number, a number associated with a standing order.

 Myth: Everybody Working Hard In Their Own Little Spaces With Room For All

Reality: It's a proven fact that the average gym has a higher percentage of selfish cunts than just about any other type of building.  Whilst the photos on the website either show an empty gym with equipment neatly put away ready for use or a healthily full gym with people working towards their own goals smiling away the reality is that a couple of selfish cunts will spoil just about every trip to the gym.  Chances are you will want to punch somebody on most visits.  Why use one set of dumb-bells when you can have a monopoly on five?  Why concentrate on one piece of equipment or workstation when you can leave your clothes, shaker, phone, notepad on 3-4 for when you're ready?  Why use a unique piece of equipment (of which the gym only has one) for it's single designed usage when you can re-purpose it for an entire hour whilst every non selfish cunt looks on at you in disgust?  After all a gym membership is almost the same as owning your own gym isn't it, everybody else is just interrupting your "gains"?  The real beauty of this, the absolute crystal gem of fucked-up'ness, is that if you speak to one of these twunts you'll realise that they in no way, shape or form see themselves as being selfish.  They are simply "maximising their workout".  No you fucking prick, what you are doing is SHARING a space with other gym members who all have equal access to the same equipment as you.  Take your turn, move on. Seriously who ever brought up these fuckers to be so selfish and have so little awareness of the concept of sharing needs to be shot.

Myth: The Friendly Personal Trainer  

Reality: Fuuuckkkkk Offfffff.  Friendly to the point where they realise that you have no interest in hiring their services.  Certainly not friendly to the point where they might offer some safety advise to a 60+ year old gentlemen who is in serious danging of hurting himself on a resistance machine RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU.  I'm convinced that the only point of a personal trainer is to get people through the initial un-friendly barrier  that greets most new gym members.  I can see no other reason why people are happy to pay £25-£40 an hour to have somebody sit on what was the 1 free treadmill in the whole gym (see selfish cunts above)  next to them and talk about their weekend.  It would also be nice if personal trainers could take some notice of the thousand and one banners put up asking people to put equipment back after they've finished with it but then again that may distract them from the smug feeling of being better than everybody else in the gym.  Being a personal trainer in a gym is the same as owning it, fact.

Myth: Large Modern Changing Rooms Full Of Friendly Banter

Reality: The website shows the ample benches, clothes hooks/hangers and lockers.  Clean showers and freshly painted walls.  It is a little known fact however that it has been scientifically proven that gym changing rooms deteriorate quicker than any other room known to man.  The first thing that hits you is the smell, the smell of people who consider a diet made up of 80% whey protein to be healthy.  If it's so good for you why the fuck does the entire area smell like horses ass?  The good news is that the waiting time for a shower is usually minimal due to the fact that everybody under the age of 25 refuses point black to have a shower.  This is countered by the 60+ generation who happily walk around bollacky naked before toweling their ass in front of your face.  Ying and Yang.  The real problem arises when you come out of the shower to discover that one of the selfish cunts has decided to appropriate 12 yards of bench and 42 hooks for their post workout clothes layout.  This leaves you with the option of trying to balance all your clothes on the one hook whilst you get dressed in what is basically the centre of an arena of men/women looking at the floor.  Fortunately the gym changing room is an area where no words are spoken unless you are best of friends outside of the gym, even then conversation is to be limited to how hard your workout was, how it's better now that it's over and how you're not looking forward to tomorrow.

You might wonder then why I still go?  The simple answer is because once you get past the initial shock and awe of dealing with it you learn to laugh at it.  There are few things funnier than seeing 2 selfish cunts have a stare off over gym real-estate or even better watching somebody else just like me finally losing their temper and just dumping the "this is reserved" pile on the floor or taking one of the extra 5 sets of dumb-bells from under the persons nose.  It's getting over that initial hump that is the difference between being able to tolerate going to the gym and not.  What I usually suggest to people is to join a class if they can, they'll soon realise there are plenty of people on their level or if you're really unsure but are determined to stick it out then a personal trainer can help you feel much more at home.  Just do me a favour though.... if you do use one please ask them to put equipment back when they're finished.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


We seem to be having another run of "you're tight" in our house at the moment.  It's always the same this time of year and usually kicks off over the heating because I prefer it low but the girls like to bake in the heat.  I know for a fact that I'm not the only fella that gets this shit and I know some have it a lot worse.  You have my sympathy.

Anyway with me being such a tight wad I decided to have a quick look at what I've spent playing happy families over just the last 4 years.  Where better place to start than with the mortgage. Or lack of it.  I spent my entire retirement/pension fund paying it off and having a load of other work done on the house.  Altogether a decent 6 figure sum.  Just for the record I drive a 12 year old Ford Fiesta and look like a tramp!  The end result of this is more slush money for everybody else each month to spend on clothes, save for holidays and generally bathe in the essence of my generosity.  Nice.

On top of that there is the "fun time" spending.  The money that goes on hobbies, past times and generally anything that anybody in the house enjoys.  Doing some rough calculations and they do only have to be rough because the numbers are so far apart but I've easily spent more on holidays in the past 4 years than I've spent in total on myself in the past 20 years.  I don't really enjoy holidays, can take em or leave em.  Let that sink in. I have personally (not including the money we've spent as a couple) spent more on keeping everybody else happy in 4 years than I've spent on keeping myself happy in 20 years.  Tight fucker...  In addition things like TV is considered one of my hobbies and over that time I could count any contribution towards any electrical goods in the house on 0 fingers.  We do have a well funded joint account but shit like that definitely comes out of my pocket as did the majority of the utility bills for a long time but I had to bring an end to that.  Tight fucker.

Of course all these things could be relative so it's only fair to look at earnings as well, obviously if I'm making the big bucks that it would only make sense that I'm the one splashing the cash.  Except that if you average earnings out over 13 years of marriage there just about fuck all between it.  The only difference is Tight Wad McSkin Flint here saved money to then spend it all on house and family shit like the truly selfish tight cunt that he is.

This is all a bit tongue in cheek because honestly I'd not have it any other way and in terms of wives that are easily pleased I couldn't have gotten off any easier!  On the other hand there is a tinge of seriousness to it, sometimes chicks should have a long hard look at themselves in the mirror over this money shit.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Christmas 2015 Gaming

Welcome to the Manx Lads annual post for 2016, just for a change I'm going to moan about the state of gaming by going through what I played over the Christmas break and how ultimately shit most of it turned out to be.  Lets start with the PC games:-

Witcher 3 - This is supposed to be the ultimate fantasy RPG with fan boys spending hundreds of pounds on new graphics cards just to get the most out of this game.  It does look very pretty...but it plays like an absolute dog.  The controls are clunky (collision detection is shocking) the combat has no satisfaction to it and the thousands of side missions are just the same thing repeated over and over.  Overall it is a deeply enjoyable story but just a terrible game and one which I gave up on completely after about 30 hours of game play.  Play Skyrim instead.

Fallout 4 - Didn't like this to start because it was so simple but then when I got my head around the fact that it's just a simple shooter with a few basic RPG elements I really started to enjoy it.  Unfortunately I then reached the level in the game where everything just seems very easy and I lost the will to finish the main story.  This has never happened with a Fallout game for me before.  I'm about 30 hours in to the game and now haven't touched it for a couple of weeks and am not really feeling the need to.  On the other hand the game of Fallout New Vegas I started a month before I bought this I'm still enjoying.  Figure that one out.

Struggling to come up with something that I wanted for Christmas I settled on an Xbox One, if for no other reason than a couple of the lads already have one and when push comes to shove I enjoy the more casual approach to online gaming on the Xbox than the hardcore PC gaming scene.

Halo 5 - The thing I enjoyed most about the early Halo games was the fight between 2 alien species, the rival technologies and the idea of trying to save something by being the one super weapon the humans had.  The big battles could be approached tactically and even though there was a lot of repetition in the later levels the earlier parts made up for it.  Halo 5 has lost that, the human weapons feel redundant, the scale of the worlds seems to have gone and every battle can be easily won running around shooting everything in the face.  Also to the developers, there is absolutely NO joy to be had in killing the same boss baddy over and over and over.  Talk about lazy fucking development.  Online is okay and I have a sneaky suspicion this was the main focus of the game.  I'm much happier playing through the first couple of games on the Masterchief Collection instead.

Fifa 16 - I haven't played a Fifa game in at least 10 years but this came free with the Xbox so it would have been rude not to give it a go.  I'd suggest that anybody wanting to be bored to tears with possession football could stick to watching Man Utd.  Quite why EA have though to use this as inspiration for a football game is beyond me?  The players run around like they are stuck in treacle or at the very least all carrying hamstring injuries.  It's so bastardly slow that any enjoyment ebbs from you after the first couple of minutes.  I started a league that will never ever get finished.

Elder Scrolls Online - It's like a really simplified Skyrim (which in turn is a dumbed down Oblivion) where you get the joy of having every quest you embark on ruined by a bunch of fucking muppets jumping around constantly killing re spawning enemies to level up ASAP.  Seriously never has the satisfaction of sneaking up on an over powered enemy in the hope of getting a sneak hit bonus with your bow being ruined so quickly as when **NINJAFACIAL69** jumps over your crouching body and evaporates everything in  the cavern with his level 87 fire magic.  Cunts.

Star Wars Battlefront - Now we're talking, Battlefront 2 is one of my top 5 favourite games of all time.  I must admit that I tried this first on the PC Beta but gave up after getting annihilated in every game.  I enjoy using a controller but it combined with 36 year old reactions is no match for a 13 year old with a mouse and keyboard!  Instead I got the EA pack on the Xbox which gave 10 hours of free play, 10 hours which were by far my favourite gaming over the Christmas and New Year period.  Graphically whilst nice the Xbox version doesn't even come close to the shear beauty of the PC on even medium detail levels.  Resolution, anti aliasing and texture levels all seem to have taken a big hit. Who cares though because some of the online modes are brilliant and the authenticity to a Star Wars nut is undeniable.  Not only that but the level of gamer makes the whole experience far more enjoyable to other casual gamers.  Needless to say I bought the game and continued to play it...except now it's all a bit...samey.  There is no single player to speak off and as enjoyable as the multi-player is for a quick blast it doesn't really feel like a lot for your money.  Thinking I maybe had rose tinted spectacles on remembering Battlefront 2 I decided to get it working again on the PC.  After a  little bit of messing I had it up and running.  ONE game of capture the flag in the Jedi Archives with all the different classes going at it hammer and tongs reminded of what I'd been missing.  There is no comparison, one is a game that will stand the test of time, the other is a very nice looking online demo.

Hopefully in 2016 developers will get their asses in gear and try to find that balance of gameplay, graphics and most importantly fun.  And on that note, Happy New Year!