Doctors

I knew this would happen. Yesterday I was the sickest man on the planet. Everyone in the office was telling me to go home and you really need to go to the doctors. I felt like shitte.

So I bit the bullet and phoned the doctors for an appointment on Wednesday morning.

Would you believe it, that today I feel much better…. I tell you it’s a conspiracy.

I bet if I was to cancel it, 5 mins later I would be coughing blood through my ears…..

DJ's and Foot Rests

We went out on Friday night with my Dad, which is something I shall not be getting in to on here. But one thing did annoy me, and that was the Pub DJ. He was up rocking away to his own tunes, happy as Larry. Except that no one was on the Dance Floor. Surely if no one has got up in the first minute of a song, they are not going to suddenly decide, “Oh it’s Birdie Song that been playing for 2 mins, I really like that one, fancy a dance”.

Ok, he’s not going to know what genre is going to get the people up, but if the song is on for a minute and no-one get’s up, changing the fucking song.

There was one other rant, where are those brass foot rests gone that use to festoon Pub’s. Every time I went to get a round, it must have looked like I was riding an imaginary bike, as I try to nonchalantly place my foot on the rest that wasn’t there. You have to try at least twice in case you simply missed with the first one.

Her Majesty Kills 2 American Military Personnel By Going Down

A long title, but quite a good one I thought.

I was in the gym this morning maxing out my max, or plodding along like a fat bloke on a cross-trainer. I was watching the BBC News 24 channel when there was a report on about a recent battle, can't remember if it was Afghanistan or Iraq, wasn't paying that much attention. Anyhoo, the BBC have obviously invested in some sort of automatic subtitle machine, it's bloody marvelous, the report carried on something along the lines off "300 have been killed in a battle conducted by alliance forces in the Adskhsd area of somewhere, 2 American military personnel were killed...". Straight away I started to think, 300 is a very round figure for a battle, not 307 or 291 but 300 exactly, how strange, if I was a cinic i'd almost thing there was some sort of propaganda thing going on, especially as only 2 of the "Good Guys" got killed.

It was then that the report got surreal "...2 American military personnel were killed as her majesty went down during the battle". WTF. Now everybody knows that Blair doesn't mind getting out the anal lube where George comes a calling, but her Majesty giving head to American military personnel is taking this whole alliance thing too far!

Man Flu & Doctors

I have Man Flu. In fact I have Bronchial Tuberculosis with acute pneumonia. Or a very nasty “chesty cough”. I’ve had it now for 4 weeks and it’s doing my head in. I keep getting coughing fits, which almost cause me to puke.

It’s now moved to my head, and so my sinuses are full and my head is thumping.

I daren’t go to the Doctors, because the minute I get to the waiting room for my appointment, all my symptoms vanish. I walk in and meekly say why I’m there, and yet I look fine. So bollocks that, I’m not going to made a fool of again.

I’d rather spend all day and night annoying everyone around me.

And I'm the Bad Guy

I get called in by the bank, and talked to sternly for using most of my £2000 pre approved overdraft every month, and Ford go $ 12.7 billion in debt.

You tell me, who should have had the stern talking too, and made to feel like a naughty two year old.

Bastards.

You kill one man you are a murderer, kill a million and you are the President of the United States.

Consultants and Chairs

We’ve had this “consultant” over for the last three days, going round everyone’s desk and telling us all off for sitting incorrectly, using our keyboards incorrectly and holding the mouse wrong and in the wrong hand. He recommends that everyone uses their mouse with the left hand, as the number pad on keyboards, mean that the mouse is too far away and at the wrong angle. If it’s on the left hand side, it would be better.

Oh Right…

This fella, has managed to spin this out for 3 days, with flights and accommodation thrown in. Not to mention wasting everyone’s time (30/40 each at everyone’s desk). Then at the end of this he gives you a leaflet that explains everything he has just said, almost word for word….. WTF.

No wonder they have no pennies left for my Bonus.

Of course what he tells you is only a recommendation, so you don’t have to follow what he suggests.

The ICING ON THE CAKE, is that because we have curved desks, the arms of everyone’s chair prevents them getting as close as he suggests. So we have to remove the Arms off everyone’s chair. Now when I say we… I mean me, as it is falls under the category, if it’s not Insurance or Accounting, then the IT MANAGER can do it.

So I’m going to spending the next week, taking fucking arms of chairs…. I hate by job at times.

I mean, they been using the same chairs for the past 5 fucking years, and we’ve got along happily.

I even showed him this Article that suggests researchers have found that you should sit at a 135 degree angle. (The one I’ve been sitting at for years). “Oh No, that’s not right”, he says.

Oh I see, I should listen to you over them, because? He didn’t have a reply to that.

Bollocks

Celebrity Big Brother

What were the chances of me not having an opinion on this one?

I've made comment on PBs blog, I've freely joined in with the workplace 'discussions', I've had posters made and posted them around Douglas.

And yet, I've done all this based on what I've read on Yahoo and BBC News. I have been a less than conscientious journalist.

So, over the weekend, I felt I would need to actually, physically watch the program described as Celebrity Big Brother before one of the two miscreants were evicted.

I watched on as Jade Goody (described as 'White Trash' by the racist Jackson) failed to convey her opinion; I watched as Shilpa Shetty (described as 'Poppadum' by the 'White Trash') unfairly used her superior grasp of the English language to manipulate an already explosive situation.

I saw the others not-be-bothered-enough to do anything about the situation (or worse, to stir it up with their stupid scouse accents)

I watched all this, combined it with my own xenophobic opinions and what I'd read in The Sun, and finally came to my (Nobel prize winning) conclusion:

I really, really want to grab Shilpa by the hair, dip her in a big tub of Galaxy chocolate and then lick it all off. Twice.

Phwooar!! What a hottie!

p.s. Did you know that 'Poppadum' is not in the Microsoft Word Dictionary? How racist is that? These people only eat Poppadums and mud and we can't even be bothered providing an entry. Not that they can read, so I don't suppose it really matters.

Game are coonts

Just nipped into Game this morning to ask about Nintendo Wii's again, only to be told the best they could do was put me on a waiting list. Coonts.

I went in before Christmas and was told that nobody could be put on the waiting list because ... no reason really, just because. So how come today I ask again and find myself on the waiting list at position 109? I'll be in every day now until I get to speak to the floppy haired spot monster that was playing the smart arse before Christmas. I'm soo tempted to pen a complaint but I have the feeling i'll only be wasting more of my time, so a rant and fist shaking will have to do.

Work Rant

A rare work rant from me.

I've been here for four months and successfully passed my probation period. Obviously.

And I've somehow acquired a largish work load. So much so that I'm already balancing multiple projects, one of which MUST be finished by the end of the month.

I had a couple of sick days in December. Genuine ones.

I was handed a letter today telling me that because my sick days occured within the probation period, they're not covered by the Sick Pay Scheme and I will be docked 2 days pay this month. That's quite a bit of cash. It would buy a Wii or an XBox 360.

I was then emailed and told that I had 2 holidays left and that I MUST take them before the end of January or I would lose them.

To recap
- 2 sick days that I must pay for
- 2 holidays that must be taken
- too much work to finish

I suggested that they just cancel each other out.

But no. It's not company policy.

So I will take Wednesday and Thursday off and, hopefully, I will not catch a tummy bug or develop a migraine coz that will ruin any hopes for this urgent project getting finished.

Kids today

What kind of bizarre semi-fantasy world do todays youth live?

Before proceeding, have a look at this article.

My 17 year old son came home last night quite disturbed. Looking a little pale.

He wanted to know if we'd heard the news that Armageddon was imminent (well, he actually said "didya hear about the atom bomb fing?"

Apparently, at quarter to twelve ("or somefink") the Palestinians were gonna set off loads of these Atom Bombs all round the world and that there was a good chance we were going to die.

He does this all the time. He can read a news article or listen to the news and just pick out a couple of words and just fills in the blanks himself.

And it's not just him (clueless as he is). Him and his mates had actually discussed this Palestinian Nuclear Threat wondering if (as the world was about to end anyway) they shouldn't just go down to WineRite and buy a crate of cheap lager.

Imagine if he read a headline like this: "Headmaster sacked over theft allegation"

He'd come home and say "see that fing about the bloke who was in a sack giving head to an alligator"

Shilpa Shitty, bitchiness is not racism

I've just had the news on and apparantely this whole Big Brother thing has now escalated into a diplomatic problem. Ofcom have received 16,000 complaints about the treatment of some Bollywood movie star at the hands of the evil white supremecist, Jade "Shit For Brains" Goody. Has the world gone completely mental? As anyone who has ever dealt with women and especially girls will know, the female of the species is bitchy. Obviously there is a scale of bitchiness but the sort of bitchy bitching being dished out on Big Brother is certinaly no more than what you'd find in any playground, lets face it Jade and her "gang" have about the same IQ as the average 8 year old, so why all the fuss? If the victim was ginger, fat or a lesbo then would anything be said, would it bollacks! Talking of racism, if the victim was English, Scottish, Irish or more likely these days Polish would anything be said, would it bollacks! Because it's a Pakistani there is uproar around the globe and 16,000 people wasting there money to phone Ofcom and complain. They are taking the piss out of Shilpa's accent, holly shit, you think that Jade hasn't had abuse about the way she speaks, probably by blacks and asians as well!

Bitchiness is not racism, it's how women deal with other women, get over it. If it helps to remove Jade from TV screens for good though then it's not all bad. By the way I hate racism, if all you can find to hate about somebody is the colour of their skin then you're not looking deep enough.

One final thought, I wonder what chances that the next bomb that goes off is blamed on the treatment of Shilpa and as punishment of our completely racist culture? Surely we deserve to be bombed for this almighty hate crime that is going on before our very eyes.

Rantless, Job and Thermopylae

I was hoping to find a rant in me somewhere, but try as I might there’s nothing. I haven’t a single angry bone in my body at the moment. So you are just going to have to put up with some drivel.

After vowing not to look for another job till after bonus time, there was one in the local rag that looked right up my street. It is a Support Engineer, but working as part of a team. If they have a team, it means they have lots to do, which is one of the reasons I don’t like it here. I could cope with the boredom here if they gave me a nice little corner desk and let me play Age of Myth or World of Warcraft all day.

However, the idea was to get away from IT, but I do like the classic support stuff I do, getting something working after the User has spent ages in frustration is a good feeling. Plus this new place offers a Yearly Bonus, Educational support, and non-contributory Pensions…. That’s three things that I don’t have here, plus of course a “competitive salary”.

So I have nothing to lose: I’ll apply and leave it in the hands of the gods. One thing I shall do, which I normally don’t really do, is ensure my CV matches exactly what they want. I shall tailor it to appear that I am the perfect candidate and that my outrageous salary demands are completely acceptable.

In other news, Ady pointed me towards the trailer of a new film 300 which is out later this year. This is all about the Battle of Thermopylae: my favourite Battle of all time. It’s where 300 Spartan’s and some mates, stood up against 4 million Persian’s. The best book I’ve read about it is Gates of Fire, which I very highly recommend anyone to read, seriously, it’s one of the best stories EVER.

My favourite quote from the Trailer:

When the Persian King, Xerxes, tells King Leonidas of Sparta, that their arrows will fill the sky and block out the Sun.

Leonidas, calmly replies, “Then we will fight in the shade”……

Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by,that here, obedient to their laws, we lie

Google is God.

I know a couple of us on this site, bang on about Google, but they really are the bomb. They do allsorts and what’s more they give it all away for free.

Have a butchers at http://labs.google.com/ to see what they can do for you.
Or read up at Mikey’s fav: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Google_products

The worst thing about working from home is...

the need to have the Radio on. Now I'm going solo I'm having to live with my own company all day, as I'm sure the lads will tell you what a bloody treat that is! Even with Gigs of music to listen to it gets repetitive, I'll be looking for some fresh supplies soon. I decided to try the radio. Still being what I consider to be a yoof I started with Radio 1, wow, it's bollox isn't it? The same 6 songs all day interspersed with shite spoutings of fuckwits and assholes. I like Chris Moyles, he's funny and in this day and age not very PC which works for me. I could manage listening to Moyles all day. Jo Whiley reminds me of some aging ladette ex alky whose constantly trying to tell everyone about how pissed she was "this one time". The younger birds appear to be trying to live up to Jo's reputation. Note to Radio producers, there's no point in having slaggy totty on the Radio, it doesn't work. The final part of my day is covered by some Scott bloke who sounds like a pre-pube nerdazoid, if he has 1. a social life or 2. a girlfriend I'll attempt to fit my foot in my mouth live on the webcam. I believe that the evenings are non stop wog music so I'll give that a miss.

Tomorrow I'm going to switch to Radio 2 and see how I get on, what I'm most worried about is actually liking it, surely that will mean I'm getting old and not down with the crew pimping hoes and keeping it real with some bangin gangsta shit.

The Week to be.

Well what’s in store for me this week? Well tonight, that gorgeous filly I married is out with the Girls, which means it’s a night in playing games (PC, 360 & Wii). I shall dedicate an hour to each and then wind down with a bit of TV.

Wednesday night, I’m out with a couple of old School friends, one of whom I have never been out for a drink with. I’ve known him since I was 2 years old, and we used to sit together in Primary School, but we’ve never been out drinking (legally). So I’m looking forward to that.

Friday I’m off to Dublin to do some techy work stuff, and hopefully have a couple of Guinness’s, if we finish before midnight.

That’s it really, my week in full.

Oh! Here is another Wii injury that’s in the news at the moment.

Same old Shit

A New Year at work and the same old shit. I have nothing to do, in fact I might have, but I have that little to do, that I can’t be arsed doing anything. I’ll stick it out till April, and then I’m looking for something different. I mean completely out of IT.

It’s the diminutive breaded weirdo, Noel Edmunds that is a supporter of Cosmic Ordering. So this is my Cosmic Order for 2007:

Dear Cosmos

I would like to be given a Bonus from my current employer of £3000. A week after this I would then like to be offered a job as either a Fireman or something where I’m not in an office all day. The pay need not be any better than I am on now, but comparable would be nice. I wish to be able to get to the point where I have money at the end of the month spare to be able to SAVE for once in my 40 years on this planet…. I also hope I have true happiness and merriment with my family and close friends and that good health continues to shine on my family, friends and I.

Thank you.

Yours truly,

Me.

That’s it.

God I’m Good sometimes.

Testing on a new system had come to a complete stand still today as they couldn’t get something to work. In fact it had been a couple of days, since it had failed and no-one knew why.

Finally they get round to asking me if I could look at it.

I said yes of course, but made it very clear that I had never used the system and didn’t know how it worked. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I spent 5 mins looking around and then used 12 years of computing knowledge to come up with a hypothesis.

Try changing this, but I’m only guessing as things the way it is now, don’t normally work on other systems.

Anyway, of course it worked…… Just call me Super Genius…

And they wont give me a BONUS……

Thank you.

Back for the New Year

Well I’m back at work now, having been off since the 22^nd of December. What a fantastic holiday I’ve had, I’ve really enjoyed not being at work and spending all day with the family. True to my word I’ve been drinking every night (with only a couple of exceptions), and my body was beginning to fall apart. So although not completely Dry, January will be back to the occasional drinking night.

Things to look forward to this year:

Well by little boy is Three today and is a fantastic, he is such a loving and friendly boy, funny and very intelligent. You would seriously think he’s been here before. So Happy Birthday Nemo.

It’s my 40^th next month (the 7^th to be precise), so start saving up everybody. If you are wondering what to get me, I am actually collecting those Vouchers that the Bank of England give out, they come in either £20 or £50 denominations and can be spent virtually anyway. So dig deep till it hurts, it’s not every year I’m 40.

As for the rest of the year, this is the Year, we get our finances on track. We aren’t in the shit yet, but if we are not careful, we could well be. So spending is down to a bare minimum. I have even cancelled my beloved Gym membership, which means I’ll be bored silly every lunch time, and we have to get up early to go for a run, which actually has a silver lining, as I doubt my knees can take the pounding. So come September I should be in enough agony for the doctor to do some urgent surgery, meaning I can do some R & R at home watching the Rugby World Cup….

We might have to ditch Sky as well, but we’ll at least wait till after the Six Nations.

As usual I have no New Years Resolutions, as I don’t think people tend to do them any more, or at least you don’t hear about them as much as you used to.

That’s it really, good luck to Ady, Paulie B, B & J and Donna on their projects (for want of a better word) they are doing this year.

Later Days

Drool

Nothing to say, really.

Just that the Holy Grail of Gadgets has finally appeared. As soon as they're available I'm buying one.

Gorgeous

Is LC no more?

The link for LC's page seems to be a link to an evil and conniving search engine for random pornographic goods. Has the lounger, movie reviewer and all round good egg upped and deleted his enjoyable blog? Seems likely - after his split with slurker just days before Christmas and the low ebb he was sailing.

Come back, LC, all is not yet forgiven!

You Call That A Wii

I want a Wii, I want a Wii now! Yep as there is still no sign of Nintendo’s latest toy becoming available to buy again anytime soon, damn you Game, I’ve had to resort to surfing the web for anything Wii related.

I came across this, forgot your standard minimalist white Wii, what you need is a pimped up techni-colour nightmare. Although it looks a little garish and shit the one advantage it does have is that at least when you split the other half’s head open with a miss-placed forehand smash the blood wont be as obvious on your controller.

Wii Skins