Fat Bastard

As we get older we all like to think that were ageing well don't we? I know I do, for somebody in their 30's I'm no Ryan Giggs but I'm doing alright (I'm not chasing reality stars half my age like a dog with 2 dicks so I figure a little bit of slide is OK). I'm not a massive eater, or a big drinker, my body fat percentage is around the 17% mark, not great but good enough...and this is how I see myself...middle of the road.

It's amazing how what we perceive and what others see can be so different though. A bit like when you're looking at photographs and don't even recognise yourself, "Who the fuck is that mong?" It's not very often we get a totally unbiased view of what we're really like but today I got a beauty.

In the gym class and the instructor decides were going to do some intervals on a treadmill. She's looking at each of her budding students with a sincere intensity, determined to pick the level that she thinks will really push each and every one of us. It comes to my turn..."TEN!" Ten what? 10 kph, that's the running speed which she HONESTLY thinks is going to push me. 10kph for 30 seconds. To be fair at the time I didn't know if this was good or bad but during the warm-up I became obsessed with doing some mental arithmetic. Back in the day I'd do an average 200m in about 25-26 seconds but lets say I lope around in 30 seconds, we've got to allow for some ageing here. That means 400 metres in a minute (still slow) or 5 minutes to do 2000 metres. That's 12 kilometers in 30 minutes or 24kph. And the perception is I'll struggle at 10, remember it's only for 30 seconds. Really? Really fucking really? Do I really look that fat that people think I'm incapable of moving quicker than 10kph in short bursts? Fuck de fuckidy hell.

Anyway I did it, I set it at 10 and I ran. I say ran, it was more of a slouching shuffle, I was tempted to stick it up to 20 just to make the point, to who I'm not sure, but in the end I thought bollocks to it and ran at 10. But that's not the point, people think I'm fat! I'm off to eat a family sized fruit and nut then cry.