At last - a blog that explains stuff

The internet is a cruel religion created to take procrastination to a higher, almost divine-like form. It promotes the zen-like state of 'tuning out' required of buddhists and Bank telephone staff and marathon self-abuse sessions.

And yet it offers us morsels like the stuff white people like site that just keeps me borderline sane until the 5:30 whistle . Number #75 is particularly poignant - and begs the question of where white Canadians like to dream of emigrating too.

And by the way - LC is a big girls blouse! No, really. First he amuses us with pithy wit and keyboard repartee - then he uses his blog as some kinda sexual lubrication to gain the attention of female bloggers and, in some weird foreplayesque style, flirts with them in coded posts whilst telling us about his big breasted nursey girlfriend and how his hot chick mates are always setting him up with hot psycho chicks, and then cos he isn't getting enough bloggy attention (like winning blogger awards or having his blog made into a book), then he pulls the plug on his blog and deletes the whole lot. Tart.

And he can't even do that right. Leaving a comments section so all the girlies can declare undying lust for him (and he'll no doubt continue leaving unsubtle comments on their blog). Big. Girls. Blouse.

L's First Bank Account

At the grand old age of 12 my daughter has decided that she wants a bank account, it's not so much the account itself more the card she can use to get money out of the wall.

So last week I popped in to Barclays to ask about setting up an account. First things first, I couldn't find any information about children's accounts, it seemed the only thing they didn't have a leaflet for. So I went and asked a cashier who directed me over in the direction of the personal wankers. Fair enough, eventually I get to speak to somebody. How old is she, 12. And you have an account with us, yes. No problem at all, bring her and her passport in with you and we'll have it set up there and then. "What about KYC" I ask, no problem you're an existing customer and the relationship will actually be with you, all we need is some sort of photographic ID for your daughter. OK, can you tell me something/anything about the account? It has 5% interest and as long as you sign for it she'll get a debit card, otherwise we issue a cash card.

So that was that. I turn up on Saturday morning with wife and daughter in tow to open L's new bank account. Personal wanker number 1 is busy so we end up with personal wanker number 2. They appear to have come straight out of the same mould.

"Hello, we'd like to open an account for our daughter".

"Oh excellent, you can't start them too young, how old is she?".

"12, here's her passport, I was told you'd need this".

"Great, now if we could just update your details". She then went through the whole DOB, first line of address, mother's maiden name routine.

"And have you got some ID?".

"Yeah, I brought my passport just in case".

"Oh, i'll just update........oh hang on this passport has expired (by 2 days)?".

"And?".

"Well I need it to update your details before we can open your daughters account".

"Hang on a minute, I came in during the week and spoke to her (points finger at other personal wanker) who told me what I needed, there wasn't even any mention of my ID."

"But I need to update your details."

"You've just done a security check, exactly what details do you need to update? That passport contains none of my current information, 2 days ago the information wouldn't have been any better?"

"Your DOB, just a few things really?"

"You've just asked me to confirm my DOB to confirm my identity, what EXACTLY do you need to update?"

"Just some things"

"Right, can you tell me how long I've held an account with Barclays"

"12 years Mr B"

"Good, now can you tell me how many accounts I hold with Barclays"

"Yes X"

"That's right so for the last 12 years you've known everything about my life from the date I got married to how much our last holiday cost but now you need to update some things? You can also see that in that time I've opened X extra accounts all without any trouble?"

"Well I don't know what they did then but I need to update your details! You'll have to come back next week"

"No I won't I've got a better idea, how about I just close all my accounts. You know I am who I say I am, I want to open another account this should be a 5 minute job."

"Well if that's what you want to do."

The problem here is that I'm not actually just a normal Barclays customer. I'm a Barclays Private Wealth client and so have the pleasure of being treated like a fucking Russian drug smuggling terrorist each time I need to use the bank (Seriously, try going into a mainland branch to take out money as a “international” customer). However when I first opened my Barclays bank account I wasn't one of these "super" clients, in fact I walked in to my local branch (that had 3 staff, all of which I knew on first name terms) with my provisional driving license and a nice new £10 note. Up until a few years ago I was just a normal Barclays customer. It looks like without being asked I've now been moved to this new international banking offshore department with it's fancy pants security (of course any Russian mafia bosses wanting to launder their money are more than welcome, it's just us resident locals that can have the pleasure of being inconvenienced). Barclays offshore don't differentiate between international customers and offshore residents and it's fucking ridiculous.

So in the meantime I've enquired at a few of the other "offshore" banks and it looks like Barclays are in a minority here. If I open my account with HSBC, I'm treated as a personal customer and it's no different to walking into any other branch in the UK. It's exactly the same as every other bank I enquired at, international offshore is separate to offshore resident. All accept cunting Barclays.

Instead of closing my Barclays accounts I’ve decided I'm going to open my accounts (and 1 for my daughter) with the HSBC and leave 1 penny in each of my Barclays accounts. That way they'll continue to waste money sending me monthly statements, debit cards, cheque books and the likes but they'll not have any of my money. Thinking about it with a calm head I think this is probably the best thing that could have happened, there is no way I would have first opened my account with them if I knew I was going to end up grouped with the international (druggy money launderers) so there is no way I should let my daughter start a banking relationship with them either. Barclays, what a bunch of wankers.

One Civil Service Breakfast Please

I am a Civil Servant now working for the man and riding the gravy train.

However I am a new Civil Servant and have not quite succumbed to the depths some of them plunge.

The one that really gets me is eating breakfast at their desks in the morning. So what they basically do is, clock in to get their flexi time going and then head to the kitchen and make their porridge or what ever and then sit down at their desk and eat their breakfast whilst surfing the internet.

Cheeky Buggers.

I might start adding the 15/20 mins in take me to eat my breakfast AT HOME on to my flexi. I would start ranting at them but it’s half the buggers in the office, even some of the bosses…

Clinton Bastard Cards

Seeing as how it is the birthday get together tonight of the anonymous one I thought it would be appropriate to go and get a birthday card. What the fuck was I thinking, sorry fella but what sort of an inconsiderate git has his birthday this time of year? If you ask Clinton Bastard Cards I'm sure they'd tell you no one! I'd guess that anyway judging by the complete lack of anything decent birthday'ish in their stupid shop. How many different types of stupid fucking valentines cards does one shop need to stock (don't try and answer that, the calculator that can go that high hasn't been invented yet).

I know I'm not alone with this one either because the one tiny area of their shop that did have birthday cards was so packed there were flustered house wives being carried out on stretchers. So this is my personal plea to Clinton Bastard Cards, yes we all know it's Valentines Day next week, and yes we all know that we're going to be made to feel guilty enough to go and spend £5 on some stupid piece of card shit that ends up in the bin 24 hours later but for fucks sake please also remember that people will be born, celebrate birthdays, get sacked, get new jobs, be christened, get sick and die this time of year as well.

Homeless On The Rock

Some people would accuse me of being a heartless bastard, insensitive, emotionless etc etc . To you fuckers, take note, I spoke to a homeless person on Sunday. Doesn't sound much but there are so few of them around here that it was quite an achievement.

Anyway I was walking up the street Sunday monring, post workout, pre work when I was stopped by some bearded bloke who looked even scruffier than what I normally do. "Are you from here?"..."Yes, you?", "No". After a slow start we had a decent chat about the Isle of Man and how it had changed (having tipped up from London it was more me educating him than anything). Long story short he'd fucked up his life and was now wandering the streets. Now for those of you not in the know the Isle of Man is one of the easiest places in the world to get a job, most people think that in order not to be working over here you are just not wanting to work. As well as that our benefits system is very generous to say the least. Having worked for the DHSS I've seen plenty of what the manx underclass has to offer, especially when it comes to avoiding work. It would have been nice then, after hearing this bloke go on and on about things turning to shit and how he'd love to work if he would have said "well I want to work but can't get a job". No such luck.

When I asked him about going to the DHSS for a start and trying to get some help (see, I tried, the next step would be trying to get back into work) his answer nearly knocked my of my feet. "I can't be bothered". WTF. You can't be bothered going and taking the free money that I'm working on a fucking Sunday to pay taxes to contribute to? You can't be bothered with the hassle of diverting 2 yards from your routine and asking about getting help? But you can be bothered to crack open another can of Carling at 10 in the morning, and you can be bothered to just stand in the street staring at people?

At that point I couldn't be bothered listening to somebody whinge just for the sake of whinging and left him to it. It could be you? Bollocks, if things ever go tits up for me I'll be straight to the DHSS and will make a point of BOTHERING to claim back every last penny of tax and NI I've paid in over the years.

Kerry Katona

Does anyone else think that Kerry Katona has made some pack with the Gods of House Wives Tat? She is on every stinking cover you see in Newspaper shops. And it’s the same old shitte over and over again, week in week out. She doesn’t even get her Baps out, what’s that all about?

Any way I thought I would mention it.

PS. Don’t forget Sale Sharks are live on Sky Sports on Friday Night.

A perfect night for Hot Dogs & Guinness.

2 Things That Have Really Pissed Me Off Already Today

1. The number of Ambulances/Police that go flying past our house between 7:30 and 8:00. I don't know what it is about people who live in the south of the Isle of Man but they all seem fucking incapable of using roads. They're either crashing into each other, trees, running somebody over or being run over. At least 3 times each and every fucking week we have the full lights and sirens convoy heading south to rescue yet another thick as fuck shit for brains. It's not like the roads in that part of the island are any worse than anywhere else, for fucks sake compared to the mountain road that drive should be a walk in the park, yet most mornings some idiot crashes. When I rule the world the first thing I'm going to do is rip up all the roads south of the Mount Murray and turn them into cycle paths. People from Castletown, Port Erin, Port St Mary can't be trusted with roads and cars so lets see how they get on with bikes. No doubt they'll still be crashing but with any luck it will be at such a low speed that they won't need a trip to hospital.

2. Lollypop Men/Women/Weirdos/Aliens that jump out in the middle of the road like day-glo ninjs to help grown people cross. I've got nothing against lollypop people, it's actually quite reassuring as a parent to know that they are there by most schools to help your kids cross the road. What I don't understand though is why they feel the need to help adults? If one offered to help me I'd take it as an insult "What, you think I can't cross a road by myself?" If you're the sort of grown person that goes and stands next to the lollypop person waiting to be crossed then you need fucking shooting. If by a certain age you are incapable of crossing a road on your own then being put down and getting you out of the gene pool as soon as possible is the only solution.

Thinking Outside of the Box

The problem so I am told by the wife is that the dinning room is too cold looking; it lacks a feeling of warmth. Whilst I trust my wife’s sense of aesthetics, what I don’t trust is her internal thermostat, as she is always cold.

Anyway, what Princess wants, Princess gets. So off we go to B&Q to purchase a Wall Mounted Electric Fire. £200 later we are back at home. Now the reason for the fire was to make the dining room feel warmer as we often get rid of the kids and have romantic meals. We either cook for the other or share the cooking. We just like to make an effort once a month, candles, music and good food. Now Saturday night was one of those very nights, so that meant, it had to be hung immediately.

Anyway, firstly I didn’t have the right drill bit (14mm) and had to go back up to B&Q. Then after carefully measuring up and working out the exact centre of the old chimney stack, and getting the levels right, I drilled the holes and hung the fire. Standing back, it was a good 2 inches to far over to the right (God knows how). So out came the drill again. This time I had to go a little higher as I didn’t want the new holes too close to the original holes…

That’s when it ALL went pair shaped. As I was drilling the first hole I hit the bottom of a brick and the drill went flying down through the crumbling plaster to create a hole that went straight for the first inch then veered down and then straighten up again, Which meant my snug 14mm hole was now around 25mm. Which meant the bolts to hang the fire were as loose as a loose thing. I didn’t fair much better either on the second hole. Obviously the level I choose was just in line of the bottom of a line of bricks.

So then I had the put the bolts in and then polyfiller around them and tell the wife that I would have to wait 24 hours to hand the fire. Well her puppy dog eyes told me she “really want the fire up tonight for our romantic meal”. So then I had to improvise and over come.

I packed the holes around the bolts with nails pushed in to the pollyfiller to keep them in place and then hung the fire. You would think that was the end of it…. NO.

When you turned on the fire effect (not the heat, just the flame effect ie. the light blub) it made a horrendous noise as it turned around and around creating the dancing flame. Really really loud.

Anyway, we put up with it for that night, but first thing Sunday morning it all came down and has gone back in the box ready to get a refund.

Now this is where I “finally” get to the title of the blog, thinking outside of the box. Whilst the wife spent yesterday going around various places looking at other fires, which by their very nature will make some noise I was thinking.

What if we got a LCD TV with built in DVD (which we were already looking at to go on the bedroom wall), we could run the “virtual fireplace DVD” on it to create the ambience. Plus it could be generally used to watch TV whilst cooking etc, or when the kids are having breakfast. So it would get a thousand times more use than just a fire, at only a small extra cost. We could even play an Aquarium DVD if we wished.

Isn’t that a fantastic idea?

So who is for the noise fireplace that will only get used once a month or who is for the LCD HD TV with Freeview and built in DVD player?

Votes please..

Shitting Myself

I don't really enjoy scary movies, I can't see the fun in shitting myself up so I try and avoid them where possible. When I do have to watch them I normally do it behind a carefully positioned knee during the worst parts, yeah ok call me a big girls blouse.

Anyway, having recently watched the new Aliens vs Predator movie (which after a slow start is excellent by the way) I decided to see what sort of Alien vs Predator games were out and about. I ended up buying Alien vs Predator 2 for the PC, I had the chance to try it out last night.

So this game is an oldy (originally released in 2001 I think) so the graphics are nothing special by todays standards, but when it comes to atmosphere and game play, I've never jumped so much in my life. I was playing it for what seemed like ages without even shooting anything, yes there was the odd scream as a fellow marine was ripped apart and even the glimpse of somebody being pulled through the ceiling and the dripping blood but there was nothing to shoot. Eventually even the blipping of the motion tracker (everybody remember that from Aliens) became so familiar that I learned to ignore it. Like I say this carried on for what seemed ages until.....fuck me...the mouse has gone in one direction and the keyboard the other. While turning yet another damp corner lit only by my shoulder torch an Alien has leapt out clawing at me complete with movie style sound effects. Jump, I shat myself! I've only played the game through the first level and a bit but I've never jumped so much in my whole life. I think what makes it so bad is that you are concentrating so much staring at the screen that it makes it even worse than a film.

Overall it's brilliant. Forget your fancy schmancy modern graphics, gameplay and atmosphere go a long way. Whatever you do just remember to fire in short controlled bursts (when you've finally picked your mouse up that is).

Chat up lines

Hi Darlin

I've got a roll of duct tape in the boot of my car with your name on it!

Alternative Medicines

You know the ones: where you cant take them and drink Alcohol...

Bollocks to them I say.

Human Robots

What do you get when you have 18,000 personnel folders, some with 100 pages, that need scanning? Well apart from a decent scanner. I mean how can you open the files, guillotine the pages so they fit in the scanner, scan then to PDF, open the PDF and rename the file according to the contents and move it to the appropriate folder.

Well Data from Star Trek would be excellent. some sort of next Generation Asimo would be the second choice. However, this being a Government Department both of those two are unrealistic. The obviously choice would be some pissed off non motivated temp that would make millions of mistakes and take a year to do the job.

Well no, this place has found a use for those Idiot Savants you find hanging around Rainman sets. Yeah we’ve got our very own one. He took 2 weeks to do 18,000 files. It was fascinating watching him work, he just went at it with total focus, amazing. And I never tired from making him count spilled matches.

If every Gov Department got one, we could half the Civil Service.

Sleep

I seem to have forgotten how to sleep. I know the theory behind it, you go to bed when you are tired, lie down, close your eyes and then drift off.

I on the other hand go to bed when I can hardly keep my eyes open, lie down, close my eyes, and then instantly come wide awake. I toss and turn, this way and that, get up to take a leak, try again, get up go downstairs, watch TV, back up and try again. I just can’t remember how to do it.

I eventually steal the odd 15 mins here and there, and normally collapse exhausted around the 3.30 to 4am mark only to get up again at 7.30am when the Alarm goes off.

The last 4 days have been at nightmare.

I haven’t had a drink in 4 days, so that might be the trouble. I’m on the wine tonight so I’ll see how I get on. Fingers Crossed

Xbox 360 Crashes and Freezes

I’ve just had about enough of Microsoft’s Xbox 360, they are great when they are working, but over the last couple of weeks, they have been a nightmare.

Firstly, the week before Christmas my 360 developed the notorious “3 Red Rings of Death”. Luckily enough, Microsoft have extended the warranty on all 360’s for 3 years, which meant mine was covered. Thank God. However, getting the local UPS rep to pick it up is another blog post (next day my arse, how about a 2 weeks later and I ended up bring the parcel down to their offices).

Anyhoo, as I had a few Xbox games sorted for Xmas day, I was up shit creak, until one of the Manx Lads lent me their spare. Cheers Mucka.

So Christmas was saved………

Part Two:

Last night the wife was out and so I borrowed Assassin’s Creed off one of the other Manx Lads. I sat down ready for 4 or 5 hours of concentrated game play. As soon as I put the game in, it asked to do an Update, then the credits ran. The Tutorial kicked off and I did the first task, then FREEZE. Oh! Reboot (I work in IT I know how to fix things). The credits ran and then the tutorial froze again. Reboot. This time a couple of seconds in to it, it froze. Then froze and froze and froze….

So I gave up.

Let’s have a go of Halo, BUGGER, now that wont work either. It freezes as well.

So I gave up….. and watch Red Dwarf.

I shall spend my working day looking at the problem on the Internet.

Get in there

Yes. Oh joyeux noel and 'hoo - yhaaa' . . . may the year continue as it has begun. Because this has started with a blast and exploded like a Jenna Jameson special!

Yeah - new years eve was fun. Around Bev's friends for a hootenanny and traipse around the house to enter the front door. The New Year day was a self indulgent orgy of food, food and more bite sized morsels. Big yums!

And an email from the talented newbie author (joe 'don't misspell my name' Abercrombie) granted me a signed copy of the last in his trilogy (Last argument of Kings: The First Law).

I won't go into the boring, stalker-like details of the answer I ponied up for his comp. And the well natured cheating I organised. But anyhoo - I can get the book with an inscription and stuff. I won't be cancelling my Amazon order - cos I guess I need two copies. yuk yuk!

Gotta think of a good inscription now. Pithy, yet humble. Or just plain Geeky. Bev reckoned I should request something along the lines of 'Dear Ebay purchaser, blah blah blah'. Well, something will come to me . . .

Happy New Year - you screwed up, toked up, told to shut the hell up buncha manx lads.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, trust everybody had a great Christmas?

Mine wasn't so good, far too much slaving in the kitchen and driving around with nowhere near enough drinking with my feet up but heh ho. Truth be told we've taken it in turns to be sick over the last 2 weeks so it was all a very quite affair. I'm now just looking forward to getting back to work, hitting the gym and getting on with earning some cash in 2008.

Merry Christmas

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to my fellow Manx lad Bloggers, and to those other bloggers that I regularly read. Also to those regular readers of the Manx Lads, I only know one, so Merry Christmas Darren.

That’s about it. I hope everyone has a Great Christmas and even if they don’t get the present that they really want, that they are surrounded by people that they really care about. Spread the love people!

I almost forgot, Merry Christmas to my Brother and his wife who live half way round the world.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

S. B. E.

School Boy Error.

Silly, silly mistake - trusting an untried website to process an order. Doh.

Drawn to the quirky art of Jeff Thomas - I found a great looking site Azuzephre for the artwork of Jeff Thomas. Looks nice, huh! So I order a bunch of prints, thinking to frame them up as a pressie for the blonde in my life -

- I even forget about the order - made a month ago - until it comes to counting up the stocking fillers. And I find I'm one missing. Ummmmm. Double checking - the order is still pending. Money has been paid thru the paypal account - Numerous emails later - and no response. So, double Doh-eth.

Although sites out there may look good, professionally designed and concepted - you can't trust any but the bigger players.

Anyhoo - Have a groovy little Christmas.

The Gravy Train

I have boarded the Gravy Train; destination: Retirement.

I have my feet under the desk, I have my cup and tea bags in my desk, and I am ready for anything that the Civil Service can throw at me.

In the day and half I have been here, the main IT Department that we all defer too has shown a complete lack of IT Knowledge. However, as I have no Admin rights what-so-ever I have been unable to help them. In fact when trying to prompt one fella in the right direction on how to map a drive, I was told to stop talking whilst he concentrates………

Who cares, take a day or so I have all the time in the world. I’ll go and make myself another cup of tea and get a biscuit.

All A BOARD!

Bloody Thieves :)

So I finally felt in some sort of shape to make the journey downstairs today and try and catch up on a few e-mails. I must be starting to come around a little bit because as I sat down I noticed that the piles of drinking change that I left as I quickly emptied the contents of my pockets (closely followed by my belly) on Wednesday night have magically disappeared.

Apparently there is an unwritten rule that when dad comes in drunk and leaves money in open view it's a free for all to see who can claim it first. Now I know the rule I will make sure that next time I don't come home until I've spent up.