My Head Hurts

Once I'd took the decision to go out and watch the Champions League final on Saturday it was never going to end well. I was either going to be celebrating or drowning my sorrows (the latter as it turned out) and the result would be messy. How messy is hard to put into words because there are far too many blanks, including the hour where I seemed to teleport 12 miles across the island. I literally don't have the first fucking clue how I managed to turn up at my front door. At least this time I managed to remember that I live in Douglas and didn't try to go back to my old house (circa 2001).

This would all be good fun except that it's now Tuesday and my head still feels like it's stuck in a vice and my guts are doing their best impression of the magical shitting monster. If I had a job to go to this would be bad, as it is it just means I slob around earning bugger all and feeling sorry for myself. Well normally it would. However, because the wife is off work sick I have to look like I'm being productive, this means some old school waste your day web surfing which turfs up the odd video gem like this one:-

My New Favourite Thing To Hate

Women (it's always women) who insist on calling people honey when commenting on a blog. Why do it? Isn't honey something that should be saved for your nearest and dearest? Or at the very least people you actually bloody know?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

More Ying And Yang

The ace thing about being one of the first people to sign up with Gmail is that I got my firstname.surname@gmail.com e-mail address. This is cool and makes giving out my address really easy. If I was single I'm sure I could impress loads of hot chicks at the bar by dropping my super sweet GMail address.

On the negative side, now that GMail has grown into a behemoth it seems that at least half of the people in the world who share my name are giving out my e-mail address as their bastard contact address. Word of mouth I could understand, but just how stupid do you have to be to put a wrong e-mail address on your CV or a job application?

Is there any etiquette you are supposed to follow for this kind of thing, or maybe a standard reply for when you're answering somebody elses e-mail for the 4th time today?

Diet Coke Mentos Goes Wrong

I nearly fell of my chair laughing.

Cuts And Beds

Definitely Cut
X-Box Live Gold Membership
LoveFilm Account
Weekly Takeaway
Having The Fucking Heating On In May

On The Chopping Block
Gym Membership
Boat Insurance
Window Cleaner

We need a new bed (well mattress really but if you're going to buy a mattress you may as well get a whole new bed? Chick logic.), what age is it acceptable to start thinking about one of those memory foam jobbies? 60, 65? I'm just looking for some ammunition for when the topic is raised. :)

Fool Proof Way Of Cutting Your Tax Bill

Taxes...boo. However I've found an absolutely fool proof way of cutting down how much tax you pay. It's not illegal, you'll not get in to any trouble and what's more you can start saving next month. How? All you need to do is cut down how much you're paid.

I've seen my income slashed by about 70% in the last month (fuck you pay freeze whingers) and I can tell you for a fact the amount of tax I'll be paying into the pot is going to be way less this year. In fact if I can just fuck up my business that tiny little bit more the government will start giving me money instead! Sweet.

And some people call me negative.

It's Like One of Those Random Facebook Updates

You know the ones, where people rant in a general way without mentioning anything even remotely specific but you can tell that they are pissed off about something, or maybe just lacking attention for a while so they feel the need to update with something/anything. Then everybody fakes interest with "What's up?" and stuff like that in the vain hope of getting the goss about what's going on.

As this stopped being somewhere I could really let rip a long while back please see this post as similar to one of those. I'll save the real fucking unleash for face to face up close and personal, it's so much more fun that way.

How Do You Spell Police Corruption?

Something Anybody Who Has Been On This Rock For A Little While Knows All About Yet What Is Never Spoken About

Fuck You Sony

I'd like to take a few minutes out of my extremely busy post holiday work schedule to bring you this important message - FUCK YOU SONY.

Thank you very much for being the bunch of useless cunts you are, how about you just stick to making your toy consoles for kids from now on and leave networks and all that nasty complicated stuff to the grown ups. Cunts.

(Credit Card Cancelled)

Gods Waiting Room

Just back from taking the girls away on a cruise, it was equal measures of joy, agony, anger and fucking stupidity. The joy being the places we visited, the agony being never ending queues (go figure when you travel with over 3000 other people..doh!!), the anger aimed at some of the other passengers and their amazing attitudes towards people who at the end of the day are just doing their jobs and finally the fucking stupidity of having a good old London "boozer" onboard that decided to have a lounge music act insead of showing the second leg from the Man United Chelsea champions league quarter final. When there were 4 other lounge music venues that night. Cunts.

Child friendly - Yes.
Old person friendly - Yes.
Parents of Child, friendly - Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Male Grooming Products

It was on the news today that P&G are trialling male only isles for grooming products because some men are embarrassed about buying from an isle that includes ladies beauty products. I don't know where they are shopping but I've never noticed my razors and shaving foam being mixed in with ladies stuff? Male deodorants have their own section, there isn't anything else is there?

I can only imagine the type of bummer products these so called men are buying but if they're looking for moisturisers and face packs then where it is in the shop should be the least of their embarrassments!

True Story

I was working in this really shitty, boring, barely more than minimum wage office job once when it quickly became fairly obvious that the facilities weren't exactly up to much. The lighting was crap for computer work, the computers were crap for computer work but worst of all the chairs were falling apart. They literally had their backs hanging off (you could spin them 360 degrees) and no arm/side supports. Within that month my back was just getting worse and worse.

I did raise it as a problem with management (and in fact swapped my better chair with somebody who was suffering more from theirs) but when there's no money there's no money. Tough shit, what you gonna do? Of course at this point I could have went to the doctors and got signed off but instead I thought it would be much easier (not to mention better for my long term health) to just go and buy one for £60. Worked a treat.

6 months later I left because of the lighting affecting my eyes, I draw the line at paying for that. I had no job to go to but I'd rather be unemployed and skint than risk long term eye problems. It was my personal choice to be there and when I decided enough was enough I was free to move on. I did leave them my nice chair. The point? I'm so fucking glad we live in a country where people are free to come and go as they like, there are so many places in the world where you can't just say "fuck this for a laugh I'll do something else". Yet so many people with this freedom shy away from using it opting for the bitching, whinging, somebody else is to blame approach instead.

Cost Of Living

I'm feeling inspired by this post and this comment in particular "also - your electricity and gas figure looks very high." (I've just paid our gas and electricity bills)

So here is our monthly figures for roughly the equivalent:-

Rent/Mortgage: 470*
Electricity and Gas: 214
Water: 22.50
TV and Broadband (inc Telephone): 97
Council Tax/Rates: 45
Contents Insurance: 5
TV Licence: 12**
Train to work: 0
Car Insurance: 20
Car Tax: 26
MOT: 0
Mobile: 35
Petrol: 50
Union: 0

* Our mortgage is so low because it's nearly paid off. The average house price over here is still around £210000 with the average mortgage around 150,000+ A 1 bedroom flat will cost you £500+ a month rent
** Think, can't actually remember how much the license is, is it still about £145?

This is of course between 2 people in our ickle first time buyer house and there's probably loads of stuff I've forgot. I think it's enough to get the gist about just how expensive your basic heat and water services are living on this rock though? I'm definitely being conservative with the petrol figure as well. Add on your basic food stuffs like a loaf of bread costing £1.30+ and milk at close to 60p a pint and all of a sudden the true cost of "low tax" becomes apparent.

These are just our figures and I'm tight as a ducks ass under water. I'd hate to think what the other lads spend with their glorified mansions (some even have 2 toilets!)

Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby

Spent most of the weekend looking at this little face.



Not a bad way to spend the weekend then :)

Babies

They cry a lot don't they?

Old and Knackered

I'm pretty fit at the moment; I work out most days. My weight is down and I eat pretty healthily. I don't drink, smoke or dress up as a lady (any more).

So why-oh-why do I wake up feeling absolutely knackered every single day with aches and pains from my shins to my asshole to my brain?

Oh yeah - coz I'm old.

Is this all I have to look forward to? Feeling progressively more like shit until eventually one of those pains is the one that kills me?

God is a wanker.

Thank feck for the Japanese Tsunami

Really.

All the media had to talk about was the Libya 'crises' - as if we all ever gave a crap. The whole of the middle east is going through unrest - and Libya are having a civil war at the moment. Good for them - but really, talk about the No-Fly zones to protect the innocent civilians? What cobblers. Impractical and unworthy. So a couple of BBC journalists get threatened - idiots. And the media keep asking Politicians 'how are we able to stand by while innocent people get attacked'? Two words. Lockerbie Bomber.

So now the dreadful scenes of carnage and devastation and live footage of cars getting swamped by the Tsunami wave have saved us from the incessant hyped frenzy of media driven outrage over Libya. The media were literally egging us on to War. Like the gobby schoolkid on the outskirts of the playground, taunting the bigger kid to hit the little kid.

Fuck em all.

I was stood in the carpark at Tokyo Disneyland - where it's now all under water. And the horrifying scenes of the wave, sluggish and relentless, and seeing the people (often unaware on the other side of buildings) amble about. First they witness, then they run. Very scary.

No Expense Spared

Would it be too much to ask for you cunts to stop with the whole "look how important we are" shit and actually start saving some fucking money? Yes, I suppose it would.

Charlie Sheen is Ace

C'mon! What a star. Please - someone pair him up with Mel Gibson in a buddy-cop movie based in Las Vegas. A warlock? Puh-lease - it's great stuff. He will be sharing his Dungeon & Dragons characters with the world next, whipping out his vorpal sword and yelling 'Take that you fiend' to the next worm he finds.

Business Ideas

A lot of the ideas I have are shit. I'll plug away for a while but eventually it becomes obvious that it's just not a goer. My work requires me to have lots of ideas so the fact that so many are shit is of little concern to me. Why?

Because every now and then one of my ideas turns out to be genius. About 8 weeks ago I had one such idea. 7 weeks of hard work later and yesterday it made its first money. Today it has made more money than yesterday. By the end of this month I "should" have recovered most of my costs. By the end of next month I'll be sat on another 90% passive gold mine.

It's going to be another good month :)