Sleep Again…

How the fuck do you get to sleep at night? Last Friday/Saturday morning I was up at 4.30am after going to bed at midnight, and yet again last night I was tossing and turning and finally gave in at 3.30am and got up..

I can assure you, that nothing is bothering me, and I am not stressed at anything, I just can’t sleep. Still all these early hours means I am shooting through my Xbox game.

That’s it really, nothing much at all is happening at work.

Later Days

Honest, we thought of it first

Ady and I invented something about 2 years ago. It was truly was a great idea for the modern al a ding family.

The idea was you simply waved your frozen meal in front of a bar code scanner and it automatically set’s the Microwave oven to the right settings, and then press go.

It was fantastic, and so I sent an email describing this to Samsung (the make of my current microwave) and suggesting they contact me to discuss the royalty cheques.

Well the days, weeks, months and years went by and nothing was heard.

Then whilst walking around Mikey’s new house the other day, he was all a glow with pride as he showed me his last purchase, a SMART OVEN.

http://www.samsung.com/uk/products/cooking/smartoven/bce1197_sxeu.asp

What’s so smart about it? I say.

Well, you just wave your frozen meal in front of a bar code scanner and it automatically set’s the Microwave oven to the right settings, and then press go.

You could have knocked me over with a feather………….

So I have spent all morning trying to find my email to Samsung, once it’s found, I shall be contacting my lawyers.

What’s the point of Ady and I thinking up these ideas, if no one is going to give us any money…

Muslims are NOT tossers

Back in February, I posted a blog entry here which included the following quote:

"WHY do these Muslims who love their own cultures and hate ours with equal intensity insist on leaving their homelands in their MILLIONS to come and live in ours? "

So, today I was interested to read this:
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/20092006/325/reid-heckled-during-speech-muslims.html

Apparently, John Reid received some heckling, and was told "How dare you come to a Muslim area"

Also it was suggested that "Tony Blair's "cronies" were not welcome in the area,"

So, I was wondering, is the Home Secretary of the Democratically Elected British Government not welcome in parts of London coz he's white? Or because he's christian? Or cos he's in New Labour? Would a Tory be more or less welcome? What about a lezzie?

M.

p.s. I'm not suggesting that the Democratically Elected British Government aren't a bunch of tossers. But as tossers go, they're entitled to go where they please.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

No, not a greeting to a woman of the night but a jovial reference to my impending trip to work.

It's off to work I go.

They've asked me to come in today for a couple of hours to meet my line manager (some spotty teenager no doubt) and chat about Software.

I haven't heard what the working hours are yet, knowing my luck it will be a 40 hour week, 8:30 - 5:30 or something horrendous. I shall say "why don't we start off from 10 until 4 and go from there?" and "I'm going to need a matching footstool with my leather chair". Not that I'm fussy, but if I'm going to get out of bed at some ungodly hour, I want comfort.

Hopefully, my secretary will be an eastern european ex-lap dancer who is trying to leave all that behind her but just feels more comfortable in a thong and tassles.

Smuala L. Jaskone

Interactive Golf

Watching the golf on the big screen over the weekend, whilst playing Outlaw Golf on the small screen right next to it.

So with all this digital interactive medianess - perhaps when you next watch the PGA tour you could play as 'the third man' on any round of golf - an X-box Live event - allowing to play alongside your heroes live! Cool.

Although it sounded much better last night . . .

Bush & Blair: what a couple of Lying Twats

The Senate Intelligence Committee has found no evidence of links between the regime of Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda.

In a report issued on Friday, it also found that was little or no evidence to support a raft of claims made by the US intelligence community concerning Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

The 400-page report was three years in the making, and is probably the definitive public account of the intelligence used to justify the invasion of Iraq.

One startling point is this:

In a poll conducted this month by Opinion Research Corporation for CNN, a sample of American adults was asked: "Do you think Saddam Hussein was personally involved in the 11 September terrorist attacks, or not?"

Forty-three percent of those polled answered yes, they believed Saddam was personally involved.

Even though it is well-established that Saddam Hussein was no ally of al-Qaeda, nor did he possess weapons of mass destruction

It was President Bush who asserted most strongly in public that Saddam Hussein's regime and al-Qaeda had an operational relationship.

However, it has been since proved that Saddam issued a general order that Iraq should not deal with al-Qaeda.

In fact:

"Saddam Hussein was distrustful of al-Qaeda... refusing all requests from al-Qaeda to provide material or operational support."

So the death toll on Sept 11^th was 2,752, however since Blair & Bush invaded Iraq illegally for their own financial gain 42,000 civilians have been killed.

It was attributed to Alexander the Great: “You kill one man, you're a murderer, you kill thousands, you're a conqueror”.

All I know is that Blair & Bush are lying hypocrital cunts…

Mind you, I’m not saying I like Saddam, I don’t, I think he should have been assassinated years ago. That would have been the way to do it, but then the US wouldn’t get all the OIL wells would they.

New Camera & Such

The nipper was playing with the Digi Camera last night and dropped in on the tiled floor, so we are now Cameraless (excluding the camera phone the wife and kids have). So today I shall mostly be salivating over new cameras on the Internet, and wondering where to get the money for a new one, also seeing if it is worth claiming off the house insurance.

Things to look forward to this weekend, well basically Rugby:

Super Legaue

Fri Sep 15 Wigan Warriors v Hull FC SS1 19.30

Sat Sep 16 Wakefield Wildcats v Castleford Tigers SS1 17.45

The Wakefield v Castleford should be a cracking game, as the loser get’s relegated. Either that or both sides will be that nervous that the first 60 mins could be crap. Then they’ll realise they have only 20 mins to secure they Professional livelihood and play like possessed demons. Which is why they invented Sky +, you never miss anything, and you fast forward through the shitte.

Guinness Premiership

Sat 16 London Irish v Bristol (2.45pm) SS2 2.30

That’s it really, Bye

I have nothing to Say.

However, I have only things I can’t be arsed doing for work. So I’d rather spend 20 mins talking about nothing then actually do the stuff I have had on my desk for three weeks, one of which is marked Urgent. Mind you, if it was that urgent, they shouldn’t have given it to me. Give me a real IT helpdesk problem, and I am all over it, like Bill on Monica. However, any paperwork type stuff and bollocks to that shit.

Apart from that, things with me are fine at the moment. Not great, but not bad. I’ve had a good week in the Gym, although my right knee is giving me jip. I’ve had a week off the booze and feel like Superman. I’ve played some Xbox 360, I’ve played some PC games, I’ve watched some films and TV, read loads of books to my 2 year old, I’ve bought a couple of small things on the Internet (which reminds me, if you buy a computer mouse on eBay for 99p, then you haven’t got a bargain, you have actually got 99p less and a useless piece of plastic, NOTE TO SELF, if it’s going cheap, it’s because it is cheap TATT).

What else??

I’ve arranged the Boyz Xmas drinks, in as much as I have sent the email and we’ve all agreed to get pissed on the 8th December. That, is as far as I am concerned the end of the matter.

I have a MSCA course next week, which I am mostly looking forward to the free Pub Lunches, and of course the time away from the office.

What I really need is a good Party to go too. However, it always seems to be my wife and I that do all the parties. I was just looking at the pictures from the Halloween one last year, and it’s given my a yearning for a good drinking and dressing up session.

That’s it; I’ll finish there and wish you all a good night.

Later Days

SS Doomtrooper

Speaking of B movies (such as Snakes on a Plane) - I caught a 'so bad I had to watch it til the end' movie last night called SS Doomtrooper.

Some decent actors ploughed through a hackneyed and chop-shopped script that seemed ripped from other movies (take your pick of any WW2 movie). What it lacked in originality, style and dialogue, was certainly made up for in it's lack of special effects.

The story was about a Nazi scientist creating a super-soldier masked hulk dude. The allies putting together a dirty dozen team of convicts to take the threat on. Wha-hey. So far so good. But what these actors couldn't have known was that the budget was blown on their salaries and nice german flags, cos when it came to the sfx of the german supersoldier, it was ridiculous.

Perhaps they had visions of a Lord of the Rings Troll type thing, crashing through the forest spewing bullets from an arm-mounted minigun. What they got was a playstation reject that was copy and pasted in any random fashion. Ahhh the delights of sfx gone wrong . . .

It's up there with 'Revenge of Billy the Kid' and 'Pinata: Survival Island'

Sleep, Where are’t thou?

How elusive as mistress is Sleep. You can be sat down stairs trying to watch TV with gritty eyes and heavy eyelids, yet put your head on the pillow and WHAM! You’re Wide awake!

You lie there, with thoughts shooting around your head, competing with the melody from the last song you heard that day.

I fucking hate going to sleep, and if I happen to have one goods night sleep, it means I can’t get to sleep again for another week.

Ah well, that’s an MP (My Problem) not a YP (Your Problem).

Later Days

A proper post about me.

I was in work last Monday and didn’t enjoy myself, an opportunity presented itself that one of the kids was sick, which gave me the perfect opportunity to hi-jack his symptoms and phone in sick.

So I took Tuesday and Wednesday off with a viral infection.

I was half contemplating to take the rest of the week off sick as well, when the gorgeous lady that shares my bed took ill as well. Which left only me to look after the 2 year old, so I did the honourable thing; I emailed work to let them know I was taking the rest of the week off on holiday. I find emailing in these situations much easier than phone calls, as you have time to contemplate and consider you words.

The rest of the week, was a mixture of administering medicines, cooking Chicken soup and keeping the two year old away from the living room where the “sick ones” had set up shop with the curtains closed. They spent their time, puking, spitting in to buckets, gargling and sleeping.

We had a great time, and they looked like shit.

By Sunday evening everyone was a lot better and ready (ish) for School\Work.

Monday was a sad day for me, first day back at work after a week off and not looking forward to the stick from the lads. We all take the piss out of each when someone is off sick, as we all naturally assume they have been swinging the lead.

Still I’m only in for a week, as I am on a training course next week.

In other news, I grabbed a Pink towel for my Gym towel on a dark Monday morning, and I am the only fella with that coloured towel, all the rest use white.

And finally I am organising our Boyz Annual All Day Christmas Drinks, I have already had more confirmations than I had last year.

The usual stuff:

Bushy’s for a slap up dinner of Sausage Chips & Beans

Then much drinking and wearing of Santa Hats.

Later Days

The Cheek of the Man

A friend of mine’s wife is expecting their 4th child this November, and his work gives two weeks Paternity leave.

Now when the child is born, it’s going to be a hectic and stressful time, what with looking after the new one and the others, so he went to his Boss and asked if he could take his two weeks Paternity leave early!

So he has had the last two weeks off on Paternity Leave, three months before the baby is born…….

What a cheeky Bastard.

Made me Laugh

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Snakes on a Plane

There are two things that save this movie from the Z-List bargain bucket of forgettable films. They are the mother-fuckin' Snakes (more preceisely, the special effects) and the mother-fuckin' Sammy L. Jackson.

This is the movie that the internet fan-boys made. Such hype was made over the simplicity of the title (ur... see above) and when Sam L Jackson signed up for the lead role - the geekgasm orgy began. The internet fanbase drew up the film logo, suggested lines to be inserted into the movie, and prompted the shooting of extra scenes to insert extra lines of dialogue and a boobies shot.

Unfortunately, the movie is poorly made, amateurish attempt at a B movie.

I like B movies. I like Tremors and Bubba HoTep and the low budget 'student cutting his teeth' movies. Inventive, witty, a guilty joy of two hours

But Snakes on a Plane is a poor, jigsaw attempt that relies on the sfx and SLJ to lift it into cinema's (and any movie that reaches the Isle of Man will have been pushed hard by the studios). There are some other moments and clips of dialogue that make an impact, but they are muddied by the "no cause -> erratic effect" and plain to boring film-making.

Luckily though, thanks to the Island getting it's movies two months behind all you mainlanders, you'll have either gone to see the movie and can make an informed opinion of your own, or it will now be a faint blip on the cinema radar and you'll p'rolly catch it on sky movies inbetween Sexcetera and Porn Valley . . .

Steve Irwin - Latest News Update

Australian environmentalist and television personality Steve Irwin is killed by a stingray while diving.

Foundations

It’s all about building a back story. You need to be believable. So today, I went home for lunch. I then rang the office to say I would be slightly late back as I was looking after the sick children, whilst the wife went to the shops.

The office is now aware my children are sick. So, when I subsequently ring up in the morning to let them know that what ever the children had has been passed on to me and I shall be off work for a couple of days, they will be prepared and believe me.

In fact, who cares either way, as I am not coming in!

Later Days

Big Up for my Mum

My mother is a sprightly 70 years old in 4 months, yet on a very very wet Saturday morning she did a sponsored walk from Peel to Douglas in torrential rain. The distance as the crow flies is something like 13\15 miles, but I would guess with all the ups and downs and corners, you are talking nearly 20 miles.

So well done Mum, although you didn’t get any blisters, you did let yourself down, by not babysitting that night as well.

Well done

What’s that smell?

As the wife & I are down to one babysitter at the moment, we were forced to stay in on Saturday night. Armed with two bottles of Red Wine and an Indian Take-away, we actually had a very pleasant evening.

However, the fun stuff occurred in the morning.

There was a lot of fermenting going on in my insides, which eventually found it’s way out in a rip roaring phart.

Which was funny in itself, however, when my 2 year old smelt it, he actually started choking, and dry retching…

I was in bit’s and couldn’t stop laughing…. It made my weekend.

Stevo Killed By A Stingray

So after years of swinging the worlds most deadly creatures around by their tales the Crocodile Hunter gets killed by one of the crappest animals on the planet – A Stingray, crikey.  People stand on these fish on quite a regular basis but dying from one of their stings is almost unheard of (you’d have to have a pretty strong allergic reaction to the poison).  Unfortunately (although in all honesty what are the chances that he didn’t have hold of it?) for Stevo he managed to get hit in the chest, close enough to his heart to finish him off. 

 

It’s a bloody shame though, many happy memories of a bunch of lads in the pub all doing their impressions “wahhh you wouldn’t wanna take a hit from this bloke, I’m gonna shove my thumb up his bum just to calm him down”.  He probably did more to get kids interested in animals and conservation in the past 5 years than anybody else, top 2 answers when you ask primary school boys what they want to do when they grow older, a footballer and the Crocodile Hunter.  Legacy left, jobs a good un.