Ukraine vs England - Not On TV

Ukraine vs England is on Saturday. The nation that invented the game, has the buzz from early World Cup qualification and is generally regarded as one of the most football mad countries in the world doesn't get to watch their national teams latest world cup qualifier live on TV? That's seriously screwed up. It's bad enough when only pay per view channels get to show the national team but to not show it at all? Mental.

What's even worse is if you want to watch the match online you're looking at a one of price of £4.99 up until Wednesday I think, and then a piss taking'ly marvelous £9.99 after that. £9.99 for a single online streamed game! So what will happen is that a load of people will either forget or pray that something will happen to show the game on TV and end up desperate on Saturday and pay £9.99. Except there is a flaw in the plan of the schemers behind this, the online bookie Bet365 also have the rights to show the game and signing up with them is free. So it may not be as good as watching it from the comfort of your sofa on a large TV but at least if you're having to watch it online you can do it for free, just sign up at Bet365.

Note:- I've just been contacted by the company running this game and have been asked to promote it - for a price. It looks like I've made a massive mistake here, it's not £9.99 they are going to charge but actually £11.99! Yes, el-ev-en pounds and 99 pence to watch Ukraine vs England online. Not in 3D, not in HD, not an actual ticket to the game but to watch the game streamed over the net. Jesus H Christ, anybody paying that is stupid, anybody paying that when Bet365 are showing the game for free is clearly a mental!

People Who Pick Up Dog Shit

Was on the bus this morning and as we were heading up the hill we happened to go past some woman walking her dog. That's not quite right, cos at that point she wasn't so much walking the dog as fondling its shit. What I'm wondering here is what is the correct response to this? On the bus it looked like 90% of people diverted their gaze to straight ahead and locked it that way. The other 10% continued to stare out the window at the lady playing play-dough with turd. What are you supposed to do?

I should point out that I applaud people who love their animals enough to walk around after them picking up crap. Its reason enough for me to never own a dog. It's certainly a lot better than the other filthy bastards who just leave their dogs to shit everywhere for us to walk in. The Isle of Man used to be some sort of dog shit capital but it has gotten much better, far from perfect but better. It's just....you know...the whole picking up shit thing with your hands...with only a thin piece of plastic for protection. Doing it can't be great, watching somebody else isn't great either. Think I'll stick with being a diverter.

Natural Selection in Reverse

Bin Men in my day were something to secretly admire. They were smelly granted yet you had a grudging respect for these men that was left unsaid. They rose early in the morning combing the village and emptying your rubbish (no reuse, recycling in those days). They were hulking muscled men as well as they had to tote large bins crammed full of rubbish up and down lanes and drives and then heave them into the back of the lorry.

Just driving to work this morning and we were held up by the Bin Men (mind you they are probably called Refuse Collection Officers or something like that) and to a man they were all weedy individuals. All the bins now days have wheels, and even when they get it to the lorry, they simply push a button and it’s lifted automatically and emptied.

It’s a shocking state of affairs. Darwin will be turning in his grave. What happens when technology lets them down? How will they be able to cope without the muscular skeleton capable of great feats of strength?

It’s the children I feel sorry for now, for all the bin men have left is the smell!

All I want is a Hand Held Vacuum

Right all I want is a hand held vacuum to clean the car etc that’s it. However living on The Rock makes it impossible. I have researched and found this to be the best model the Black & Decker VH780 it also has the added value of being able to inflate which is handy when guest stay and we need the airbed.
Right, so that is the hard part over, the research and reading reviews, now the easy bit of buying it.
Looking on the B&D site the only local store is B&Q. However a visit to the store and website shows they don’t sell them. Never mind I’ll try the Isle of Man Shopping portal. No such luck as I couldn’t find it in Google (well not on the first 5 pages).
Right, let’s try Google Products or Pricerunner (my favourite): Success I’ve found 4 places that sell it. No let’s just sign up to the websites and go through the shopping cart….. HANG ON!!!!
UK mainland Delivery is £5 and they want £25 to the Isle of Man…. That’s 80% of the cost of the item….
Why can’t Play.com sell everything? They manage to get 37” LCD TV’s to my door for NO delivery..
Fookers the lot of them!

Doing The End 2 End In Style

Because when you're one of the Manx Lads riding from one end of the Island to the other isn't challenge enough, you have to do it 1 handed whilst holding your breath!



Well done Mikey!

Providing Some Balance

So that last post may come across as being a bit harsh. It might be harsh but it's also true. A lot of people just aren't suited to University or even the sort of high paying jobs that they dream of post university. Get over it, I wish the Government would and maybe cut back on some of the money being spent on sending people away to go on the piss for 3 years!

Saying that I do actually feel sorry for those looking for work now. We've had it drummed into us for 15 years that if you're not at Uni you're a nobody. Normal jobs are for scum. Even your average school leaver with half a dozen GCSEs expects to walk into a bank job on £15k+ a year. They've never heard that all work is honorable and there's no way they'll go looking down the ladder at the type of jobs that are still available. So you end up in a situation where the job centre is advertising hundreds of jobs, there are hundreds of people on job seekers and yet there's no movement.

Then again I don't feel as sorry for them as I do the generation that is to come in another 4 or 5 years. Just wait until the recession that we've borrowed outselves out of now really hits in a few years time :(

Didn't Get The A Level Results You Wanted?

Well I guess you either didn't try hard enough or you've simply not got the brains? Shit happens, not everybody is suited to study. If you've screwed up your A-levels chances are that if you go to Uni you'll screw up there as well, pissing away even more tax payers money. So for christs sake please stop dreaming of University and instead start thinking about trying to get a fucking job! Thankyou.

Anybody who thinks....

...that the Isle of Man is immune to the financial problems gripping the world right now really should go and check out the queue outside Markwell House at 9 o'clock on a Monday morning.

I remember when the queue was 2 people sat on the bench, I think that's what they were waiting for anyway. It seems to be getting longer every week.

I Didn't Know The Isle of Man Had A Post Code Lottery

But it seems like it does when it comes to broadband (that old chestnut again!) I have ranted long and hard about how crap our broadband speed is. Well it seems as though Manx Telecom decided to do something about it, they've put in a rIsam no more than a mile from our house. We should be getting at least 4-5 meg now.

If only things were as simple as that heh. You see we live on the outskirts of a council estate, in a privately owned house (as if it matters). On the other side of the council estate is a large estate of 4-5 bedroom private houses - Farmhill. Think doctors and advocates. This is where they've located the rISAM. I've just heard back this minute that only certain circuits are eligible to go on the new rISAM, see if you can guess? Yep, only those living in their big houses in Farmhill. Everybody else gets to enjoy their fucking shit broadband for a bit longer. It's good to know that the class system is still alive and well on the Isle of Man.

Why does this bother me? Because I know a few people who live in Farmhill and know for a fact that their broadband speed was already quicker than ours before the rISAM was put in. Once again Manx Telecom, priorities you bunch of dickheads.

Here's a recent report on the UK's broadband speeds:-
UK ISP Review

I currently pay £28 a month for an 8 Mb service that delivers at less than 2Mb, much much worse than even the worst UK ISP. Nice.

Jeremy Paxman - What A Cunt

I don't normally watch News Night but stumbled across it yesterday. Can anybody explain why the BBC is still giving this fuckwit our license money?

He was doing a piece on Afghanistan, they had various experts including somebody from the Afghan foreign ministry, an ex commander etc etc It would have been quite interesting as well if only after asking a question JP would let the fucking EXPERTS answer it without braying and naying like some sort of demented sheepgoat. We'd like to hear their opinions without you shouting "no no no" every 30 seconds, please please please will somebody just hit him the next time he insists on rudely interrupting and answering his own question?

25th June 2009 - A day we'll never forget

I doubt anyone could have missed the Media Circus that started late yesterday?

Farrah Fawcett, one of Charlies angels and (more importantly) ex-wife of the Bionic Man himself has died. I think this will put into perspective exactly what six million dollars will buy.

RIP Farrah (so famous they named Jeans after her).

It's a bitter pill to swallow, especially as it follows so soon after the death of Elvis 'Aaron' Presley.

When will they finally make death illegal?!

God Bless our Celebrities - every single one.

Recommended On The Isle Of Man

As anybody who as ever read more than two of my posts could figure out I'm a right whinging bastard. That's certainly how it comes across anyway. In reality I like to think of it more like I'm a very simple person. ALL I ever want is the path of least resistance - I want people to do what they say they are going to do at the price they say they are going to do it. Anyhoo, this doesn't seem to go down very well on the rock - as our attempts at finding a plumber this week have born out - so I figured what the hell, why not start a list of companies that meet my ever so stringent standards (i.e. they do what they say at an agreed price). So here you go, for the benefit of the other Manx Lads and the 3 other regular readers we have the beginning of the "Recommended On The Isle of Man" list (please feel free to add your own) -

ISPs
WiManx - Why? Because they are cheaper than Manx Telecom, they don't throttle your bandwidth, a free static IP and most importantly their support team respond.

Plumbers
A to Z Plumbing - Why? Fuck me, a plumber that turns up on the day they said they would (they same day we phoned them). Were willing to buy what we needed from the merchants and take away our old one. Came and fitted a new toilet (no not a whole new bathroom) in an hour. No leaks, no fuss, no need to get them back. 100% the opposite of every other plumber I've dealt with.

Action Services - Wanted our old back boiler replacing and a new condensing combi boiler fitted. Gave Steve a call, he came around priced the job, gave recommendations for where best to put things and then arranged a date to have it done. Date came, work started, 2 days later we had a new boiler with no hassles or problems and cheaper than the couple of other quotes we got.

Painters & Decorators
DP Cowley Painters & Decorators - After looking at the same wallpaper for 10 years it was time for the living and dining rooms to get decorated. I don't do wallpaper. Got quotes and were frankly fucked about from asshole to breakfast time with what they would and wouldn't do (I did a post on this somewhere) Contacted DP Cowley, Paul arrived on time to do the quote, gave us the quote in writing the next day, was happy to do or arrange everything (yes including removing the radiators), was honest about when he could start the job (i.e. no false promises), arrived on time, cleaned up after themselves and then most importantly the finish we got was better than anything we could have possibly hoped for.

Manx Telecom Customer Service - Why Bother?

The old broadband whinge, it's coming back again. I see that Manx Telecom are upgrading the network to ADSL2, those in the south of the Island already have it and the roll out will cover Peel, Ramsey etc soon enough.

Me? Oh no I'm still on a connection that is under 2 meg, certainly not the 6 my brother who lives in the middle of nowhere (aren't remote ISAMs great?) gets or for that matter the 7-8 meg that most of my friends get. Still pay the same though.

It's not like I live out in the sticks either, Douglas post code, Douglas rates, we live in Douglas. I'd prefer not to but that’s a different rant. Even worse we probably live in one of the most densely populated parts of Douglas and yet our broadband service is utter shit. I've contacted Manx Telecom loads of times about this and I know for a fact lots of other people around here have to. This isn't my whinge, it's a whinge from a lot of people living in a built up area, in the capital, that believe their broadband speed should be equivalent to the rest of the island. It's always the same answer from Manx Telecom, nothing they can do (they can't justify putting in a remote ISAM, even though it would service the needs of far more people than the current remotes). But I suppose we should just be grateful to have some sort of working broadband, tough shit that you're paying the best part of £30 a month for crap all.

When the new ADSL2 finally hits Douglas (we will be last, we're always last) mine will top out at about 3.5 meg. Awesome. I'll still be paying the same as the rest of the island though the majority of which are averaging between 10 and 12 meg. So please Manx Telecom you monopolising bastards, would it not make sense to provide some level of reasonable service to ALL your customers before splashing the money on upgrading those that currently get the most anyway?

Venda On The Isle of Man - A Rant

I was going to sign up and post this over at Manx Forums but I figure what the hell, why waste good content on a website I don't own? (It's the little details that make the difference between a successful website and one with no traffic ;))

It seems that sarcasm is well above some people and that this little post was taken literally. I thought the give away would have been the suggestion that a bunch of Manx retailers group together to take on Amazon. Nobody see the sarcasm in that? I guess not because my little rantings and ravings have somehow been taken very seriously and been presented in a way to defend the whole Venda situation.

So just to clear things up for those that are not technically minded here's some straight forward opinion about the whole Venda on the Isle of Man situation.

What is Venda? It's a hosted service that lets you easily build shopping websites. Each website is hosted by Venda and for this you pay them money. Simple as that.

Is Venda unique? Absolutely not. There are literally hundreds of competitors for what Venda offers. Some hosted, some you can install on your own server. Some cost money but many are free. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED VENDA HAVE NO USP.

Could local IT suppliers offer what Venda offers? There is no need for them to. Web applications are easy peasy to program, any developer worth his salt could knock out a shopping based CMS but why bother? Why re-invent the wheel when there are so many free or cheap (globally recognised and top of their game) systems out there that can easily be altered to suit any retailers requirements. Plug this into a rich content website and you stand a chance. Every Manx web company can or should be able to easily do this.

Will Venda make Manx retailers more money? I doubt it. Having a website that creates a profit requires so much much than just chucking a shopping site on the web. The retailers will need the support of experts in the field of internet marketing to stand any chance online. In that regard Venda is simply an added expense with no ROI. Hosting doesn't cost £50 a month.

Was I impressed with what I saw in the backend of Venda? Not really. The only bit I liked was the template wizard, but they are 10 a penny these days anyway. The most alarming side was the complete lack of integration in the stock management side. Retailers will sign up on the promise of the all-in-one hands off Venda solution and end up spending hours dicking around with spreadsheets. The presentation I witnessed made a strong point of emphasising the SEO benefits of Venda and yet when I searched for the clients website they were using as an example using some popular target phrases they were nowhere to be found. Submitting a sitemap doesn't cut it I'm afraid.

Could this be done better? Absolutely. I have no invested interest in this at all. I'd certainly not be bidding on the work, screw that. But there is a chance here to create an optimised, working community of websites for small retailers on the Isle of Man. It could be done with a fraction of the money the DTI are about to give Venda. Use the money and give it to local IT companies so that the retailers can have their websites not only setup but also marketed and managed for them. Any IT companies not up to the task or any retailers whose products aren't a success online get pulled. Not all websites are profitable - fact. Use the resources of the Isle of Man, use various web developers, various hosting companies (with different IP's, not all stuck under Venda) and knit it altogether in an online community that leverages the links and traffic in the best possible way. This is how networks of related websites naturally grow on the web and this is what is needed to ensure traffic for the retailer’s shops.

So does that clear things up? I see Venda as nothing but a huge waste of money brought on by a clever sales pitch and the usual government consultants throwing opinions around on things that they don't have the first bloody clue about. Also see the need to upgrade to Vista and the cutting edge accounting system sold on the basis that "it works like Excel" as further examples. The end.

Perspective

I can't really remember us losing our own home and moving into a council house, I was too young.

I can remember us buying the second hand Talbot Sunbeam, I think it cost £900. I certainly remember the sacrifices that had to be made to afford it.

I can remember the regular visits by the catalogue person, just about everything we owned was paid for on the drip from the catalogue.

I remember our first and only family holiday. A week in the Butlins park at Pwllheli, Wales.

I remember my dad holding down 3 jobs, us hardly seeing him except when on his 9 days and I suppose what it eventually did to my mum and dad.

I remember the guilt of going away with the school when I was 11 and just how much it cost.

I can remember my dad’s dream of owning a "decent" boat. By decent I think he meant one with a cabin. The excitement when the bank said he could borrow the money, all £1500 of it. It was paid back at £80 a month if I remember correctly.

I remember the company I worked for going tits up a matter of months before I was due to get married. Of being out of work without a penny to my name and if truth be told – without a care in the world deep in the belief that it would sort itself out.

As I sit here now in front of 5 grand’s plus worth of computer equipment, in the house my wife and I own where I work, creating content for my own business where I choose what hours I do and don't want to work, I feel like a right selfish prick. Why? Because the only thing in life I've got to worry about is the fact I know my reserves are going to dip below 12 months of salary in the next few months - and it's giving me sleepless nights. I was brought up during the eighties when nobody really had much, but I can never remember my mum and dad having sleepless nights or freak outs over money. Note to self - get a fucking grip fella.

Great White Shark vs Killer Whale, Who Would Win In A Fight?

When not pondering what makes the world go around these are the things I like to occupy my mind with. You can't beat a good old animal fight.

In the red corner we have the Great White shark. As far as sharks with teeth go it's a true heavyweight but when you compare it to the Killer Whale it's probably more a super-middle. Full of teeth and aggression, grrrrrrrrrr!!! In the blue corner we have the somewhat girly looking and placid Killer Whale. It's only when you go further than skin deep though that the real potential winner in this fight shows up. In terms of speed, power, agility and probably most importantly intelligence the Killer Whale has it hands down. The only possible doubt in this fight being the Killer Whale’s nature, or what we perceive to be its nature. You know it's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog and all that? Still if I was a betting man I'd put my fiver on the Killer Whale every time. This video backs that up:-



This whale is known as CA2, not much of a name but you obviously do not try and steal her chips cheese and gravy! And we thought cows were dangerous.

How Wrong Was I About Venda?!

Having seen the guts of the system - wow wee, she's a beauty! Does the lot, I'd definitely use it for my online store. Maybe the Manx retailers could group together and by the power of Venda challenge Amazon for that number 1 e-tailer spot, I reckon it could happen.

When Governments Go Wrong

What's £300,000 between friends? I suppose when it comes to government spending it's bugger all, especially on the IOM. That's the amount the DTI are willing to spend of our money on providing local retailers with a web presence. They've gone with an off-island supplier so in a creative double whammy not only are they chucking 300 grand of tax payers money off island but are also taking away business from the local website designers at a time when they need the business most. I'm not a website designer by the way, I don't do clients - well except the very privileged :)

What really really fucks me off about this more than anything else though is who made the decision to go with Venda? What qualifications do they have to justify making an educated decision on an ecommerce supplier? I'm going to talk about 1 aspect, the 1 I know best, SEO. Search Engine Optimisation, the Venda product has been sold to the IOM Government I'm guessing on the basis that is will provide excellent search engine visibility to the local retailers. My entire living is based on search engine traffic, if my websites don't get traffic then I don't make a penny. The mortgage doesn't get paid, food doesn't get bought etc etc It's an ass twitching industry. I guess that makes me qualified to at least have an opinion?

My opinion on Venda for SEO, it's shit. The first alarm bell is something that takes 5 seconds to figure out. Do a Google search for "ecommerce solution" (their primary keyword target) how far do you have to go down the results until you find Venda? I gave up at page 7. IF they can't rank their own website then they sure as hell can't guarantee great search exposure for the retailers. Maybe I'm wrong though? The next thing to do is to have a look at their existing clients - I'll pick 2 at random, Superdrug and Arsenal Football Club.

This is really basic stuff for anybody sourcing a website supplier, lets have a look at the source for the web pages created by Venda for these big name clients. I know that 85% of search ranking will be dependent on the link profile of the websites but if the on-the-page stuff isn't correct then no amount of links will compensate. Any CMS needs to create search friendly HTML in order to stand a chance. The search engines will punish or even at worse ignore shit. Venda was sold on the basis that it does SEO, let's see?

From extra white space characters in the title tag (enough to break some search robots), descriptions that are far too long, or too short, missing keyword values, duplicate keyword/description values. URL's that don't include the product name, instead using a product ID to the single biggest sin in on-the-page SEO - using the same description across the entire site. If you're not going to create a unique description for each page then don't include one at all! I've spent 5 minutes looking at this across their clients sites and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, they are dishing out some of the most search unfriendly websites that I've seen from any CMS. And we're going to give them £300,000 for this?! If their clients rank it's only because of their branding and the natural links that it attracts. Manx retailers will not enjoy that branding power.

If they've bullshitted on 1 aspect of their sales pitch then what about the others? They may be big, they may be well known, they are also very over priced for what they do and just love public sector money. Local retailers are going to sign up for this (subsidised by you and me) and expect to find their products online through the search engines, it's not going to happen. Don't believe me? Do a Google search for Arsenal shirt (that's gotta be the most popular term in terms of traffic for the Arsenal store?) and see where the official Arsenal store powered by Venda appears?

In 6 months time it's going to be another 300 grand down the drain and nobody ever mentions it ever again. So who made the decision, and how were they qualified to make it? More importantly why didn't they ask me, I would have at least gave them an idea of what they should be looking for, for free.

Super League: Super Fans

I’ve just spent the weekend @ the Super League Road show event: Murrayfield Magic in Edinburgh and what a fabulous weekend it was. All 14 Super League teams play over the 2 days, so from £12.50 you get to see 7 matches.

The atmosphere was brilliant with loads of people in fancy dress and having a laugh and of course a few beers. It was great to see 14 different sets of supports all mingling and joking about each other’s teams. Then when the matches started they would all run back to the stands, often sitting next to each cheers cheering and booing side by side. Then back to the beer tent to top up on alcohol and rib each other about the match.

It just felt good to be a Rugby Supporter.

Could you imagine if the Premiership did something similar? They would need a separate beer tent for each set of supporters and lines and lines of police between each group. On the whole weekend in Edinburgh I saw TWO coppers, laughing and joking with the crowd…. That is all. Two coppers to police 60,000 supporters….

I love Rugby….

Swine Flu (What Recession?)

This is starting to get on my tits now. Flu kills a percentage of people that get it, fact. That percentage has and will always be higher in third world back waters like Mexico. Here are the symptoms of Swine Flu (from the BBC):-

"Swine flu symptoms are similar to those produced by ordinary seasonal flu - fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, chills and fatigue"

No limbs dropping off, no spewing blood, no eyes seeping black pus? IT'S JUST PLAIN OLD NORMAL FUCKING FLU! Only a tiny percentage get seriously ill from it, even fewer drop dead. Chances are we will all get it at one point or another, thanks to modern living standards a tiny, tiny, tiny percentage will die. Some people will probably die in the UK from it, then again some people died from flu last year, and the year before. The media are cunts.

But in the mean time we can all panic about something new and completely forget that the elected fuck wits of the world have fucked us over and plummeted us into financial meltdown.

People in third world countries need to worry about Swine Flu, the rest of us have got other things to worry about.

The Joy of Self Employment

There is one thing that I couldn’t live without – and therefore why I wouldn’t consider working for “the man”.

Singing. I love singing.

Currently, I’m bellowing out Star People (George Michael). And I mean bellowing. Not like that half-hearted mumbling I did at my last job (sorry to all the staff there).

Closely followed by:
Michael Buble – It had better be tonight
Take That – Shine
Bobby Darin - Mac the Knife
Etc.

In fact, I have an actual Playlist called “Singers” which contains all the songs I THINK I can sing. And who cares if I can’t. I’m in a converted attic in a Victorian house with 3 foot thick walls and all the neighbours are out, working for “the man”.

I think I’ll add REM – Losing My Religion – I bet I can sing that.

M.

p.s. Praying for Time – another Georgie Michael tunette just started! I might have to stand up for this one. And then I'm gonna put some clothes on.

UK Budget - An Advert For The Isle of Man

As anybody who knows me will tell you, I'm no huge fan of the Isle of Man, well that's not fair exactly, it's not the island as a whole that I don't like, rather just the moronic imbreds that have positioned themselves in power via the old boys club. Anyhoo, it's not like me to big up the place but having just watched the UK budget I feel like I've got to do my part.

If You Earn More Than £150,000 A Year You Must Move To The Isle of Man!

I'm being serious. The UK budget sees a 50% tax being levied on those that earn more than £150k a year, can you believe that? Before you even get started with NI or VAT (or simply just plain old living) you get to hand over half of your wages to the tax man. Fuck that. That's knocking on the door of communism.

I'm in the lucky position of working for myself so I have some understating of what it takes to start a business from the ground up. I'm not in the UK and I certainly don't earn more than £150k a year so I'm not being biased here. It takes a shit load of work, commitment and sacrifice. Behind every successful business there is a story - usually involving struggle. Labour have decided to ignore that. They have worked on the assumption that everybody earning over 150 grand a year is unworthy of it and should have it taken from them immediately. What about the people who have spent 8 years studying law? Those that have spent 12 years training as surgeons? You fuck them and the entrepreneurs, business owners, risk takers over in order to make life better (the truth as they shall will be in the pudding of this) for the people happy enough to plod along in life. The western capitalist world is based on a notion of risk and reward, sure it can get out of hand but it is based on the idea of free will, we all set our own levels of risk that we are willing to accept. To punish those that succeed (and at the same time bring about the opportunities for those that prefer the easy life) is fucking stupidity of the highest order.

What incentive is there to run a business in the UK? What incentive is there to push yourself harder, to work harder for that pay rise? £150k a year is not a ridiculous amount to earn, not when you consider that any old shit for brains with a GCSE C in English can easily earn £30k plus in the Civil Service. The majority of the people earning big bucks in the private sector have earnt it, they bring value, if they didn't they soon get let go. Of course there is the odd piss taker, the recent economic crisis has taught us that, but they are the con men, the dirty salesmen, they are the minority not the majority of high earners.

So this is why I'd suggest anybody running a business or earning more than £150,000 seriously consider relocating to the Isle of Man. Besides the superb quality of life we enjoy our upper personal tax rate is 18%, not 50%, 18%. On top of this there is a tax cap of £100,000 in place meaning that you will not pay more than £100,000 in personal income tax. Just think of the savings for a minute. I'm not going to go into the various advantages of running your business here, that's perhaps a post for somebody from the DTI to make.

The Isle of Man government has tried to attract exactly the sort of people that the UK seems determined to punish for a while now with not much success. This budget may well provide the Isle of Man with the influx of creative, intelligent businessmen and women which it craves.

Twazmuppet

And so what is a twazmuppet? Glad you asked! First, you take a large banking corporation (such as the Royal Bank of Scotland), then, with cutting edge idealism that you learnt in your youth (the 50's were such a good era), burden said corporation with ridiculous loss-making purchases (don't worry - accountants count debt as a good thing! All those creditors look good on the balance sheet) and gather amongst yourselves a droneful of yes-men to your board and switch to smug-mode as the economy soars!

Whatever you do - jump ship before any economic wobble - or else a plummet in share price will follow and you'll look a right twazmuppet. But don't worry - with the right exit strategy you'll land yourself a sweet, sweet pension deal and probably some sort of golden parachute leaving bonus.

Good News For The Isle of Man

Woo hoo, we are a white tax haven! Maybe to mark this we should rename the Isle of Man the Isle of Wh.... oh hang on a minute.

Here's my uneducated take on things. We managed to avoid a OECD tax haven black list that ONLY has 4 countries on it, Costa Rica, Malaysia, the Phillipines and Uruguay. Notice that none of them seem to have any real connections with the major world players? I wonder what you have to do to get on that list?! hmm

Everybody else has been bunged into 2 lists, a white list and a grey list. The Isle of Man is in the whitelist so what does that mean for us? Actually bugger all, there is no reward for being white instead of grey. We do not get a Brucie Bonus. The only difference is that we have implemented some stuff for information sharing instead of "committing" too. We have been very busy running around kissing asses. So if you're a wealthy ex-pat looking for somewhere to LEGALLY put your money you have a choice between the Isle of Man (who will squuueeeaaalll your details at first asking) or a nice "grey" tax haven that is treated the same as the Isle of Man but won't be so obliged to share your details with every Tom, Dick and Harry that asks. Now where would you put your money?

I reckon this bit of free marketing is going to do wonders for Costa Rica, Malaysia, the Phillipines and Uruguay (cos there will always be a black market). The countries on the grey list will probably do OK out of it as well. The tax havens on the white list - not really much of an incentive to use them now is there?

Best April Fool So Far

Has to be some sour faced bint by the name of the Badger on GMTV preaching to the new hoard of recently scrapped dole-ites. Her top tip:-

If you want your CV to stand out from the crowd, use coloured paper!

Genius I tell ya!

I also have some tips to add to Ruth's expertise:-

1. Use a different font for every line of your CV
2. Headers need to be BIG, anything over 80pt preferably
3. If after all the above your CV still doesn't stand out enough for your liking consider drawing small shapes like stars, butterflies and houses in the corners (and trees, everybody loves trees)

Un-Fucking Believable

A pay rise is not your right, you should ONLY get extra pay for WORKING HARDER.

Private Sector - Unemployment Up

Public Sector - Pay Up

But is was a 3 year deal? Fuck that, when a "fixed" deal goes against the employee's side all hell breaks lose in order to have some work around sorted out to give them more. The employer's side (that is supposed to represent tax payers) will just pay up without a grumble. That deal can now be quoted by every other public sector group in pay negotiations - public sector pay just goes up and up whilst the mugs paying for it scramble around shitting their knickers over just keeping their job.

In other related news a private care home in Peel have told staff that their hours are being cut, it's either that or some staff are let go. When will the dickheads in charge of running this island come down from their ever so high fucking high horses and take a little look-see in to the real world?

All Aboard The Gravy Train

The Four Cats


Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."


Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.



Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."


Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.


Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"



The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."



CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......







Ate the cookies........



Drank the milk.......


Sh*t on the paper.......






Screwed the other three cats.......


Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......



Put in for Workers Compensation...............and



Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............






AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

As _____ As A Witches Tit

It's something my dad used to say but I can't remember what the hell the blank was, any ideas? What exactly could a witches tit be?

Why Do We Put Up With Our Banks?

There are 2 things that can really piss me off, 1 is being treated like a dip shit, the other is being lied to because you think I'm a dip shit.

Mrs B has had a problem with her bank account lately, it's a long story but the short version is it got blocked for security reasons. The first part her fault for not remembering her memorable words (doh!) the second part not her fault because the muppet in the call centre blocked the account after only 2 security questions 1 of which shouldn't have been asked. Then to make thing worse when she went in a month ago to get the info she was originally after they assured her the account was unblocked. Yesterday it turns out they lied.

So I decided to go with her to the bank today and get it sorted out, morale support. I was quite happy to let Mrs B do the talking and sit their quietly, right up to the point where the highly trained personal banker came out with the old "it's for your own good" spiel. I've worked in enough banks to know that it's fairly standard that no matter what the circumstances under which an account is blocked you must always tell the customer that it's for their own good. In this case it wasn't for Mrs B's own good at all.

Thinking enough was enough I decided to chip in. Mrs B had been very humble in explaining what had gone on and was just looking for an explanation on why the account was blocked without having been asked the 3 security questions and why wasn't the account unblocked when they said it was. It had caused a lot of inconvenience. Personal banker had got very defensive with a pinch of patronisation thrown in for good measure. So I asked about the second security question Mrs B had been asked. It was about the last transaction on our joint account. That's an impossible question to answer cos there's no way you can know what the other signatories on an account have done today/yesterday. You might as well ask when was the last time your partner farted? They are supposed to ask about the last transactions YOU did. Big difference. They are trying to identify you. Personal banker would not have it, defended the banks stance that they can ask whatever they like about any account they like for a security question. What she was actually doing was lying. Treating us as stupid people and fobbing us of with lies. I wouldn't leave it and eventually after much goading she slipped, only to back track as quickly. So I picked on the fact that Mrs B wasn't asked 3 security questions. She lied again. They can block an account anytime they like, they say it will only happen after 3 questions but they can do whenever they like. That's not right,it shouldn't happen - I just phoned the call centre to confirm that's not their policy, nor is saying you unblocked an account when you haven't.

Why lie about this shit? It's partly Mrs B's fault for forgetting stuff, fair enough, but it's also the banks fault for not going through with their own security procedures. Somebody deviated from the script and mistakenly asked an impossible security question and then blocked an account when they shouldn't have. The call centre monkey screwed up, that's all. It caused inconvenience to a customer. All you need to do is apologise on behalf of your colleague, unblock the account and the jobs a good un. Why start trying to defend a mistake by acting like a big shot and lying? It's about time that personal bankers were taught to think for themselves and have the stock answers taken away. A tiny bit of humbleness and customer service ability would have gone a long way in sorting this out. You'd think with all the crap going on in banking at the moment that customer service would be seen as being quite important?

When I was a wage slave there were tonnes of times where I've had to apologise for somebody else's mistakes, it's just part of working for big companies. Don't know what it is with UK banks and a lot of their staff but they seem incapable of grasping it. In my overly long and not remotely illustrious finance career I'd worked in enough banks and dealt with them day in and day out to know the score. It was always the UK banks that had problems with bullshit. I used to dread phoning them, I still hate dealing with them today. It's why the first thing I do with a new bank account is setup Internet banking. What is it with the lies and bullshit people?

Never Buy Somebody Game Vouchers

Game, as if anybody needed any more of an excuse to hate the Game chain then I've just found one. Whatever you do never suggest that somebody gets you Game gift vouchers as a present, they're a total pain in the hole to try and spend.

First things first there is the problem of knowing how much you have to spend, it's a swipe card type thing and nobody ever thinks to write the amount they've put on it for you. There isn't anywhere you can check online either so the only option is to go in store, either buy a game and take a chance or stand in the queue to find out. Then when you find out you've got enough to buy a game there's the problems of finding a game from the limited local selection and then justifying to yourself spending way over the odds. I've found the prices in Game shops to be 10%-20% more than what you can find online at places like Amazon.co.uk and Play.com At times when the online retailers are having specials you can save up to 60%. It fucking guiles me to my core to not be paying the best price.

Secondly and more importantly there is the stupid rule that you can't use your Game gift vouchers online. What the hell is that about? Because Game online do happen to have some decent discounts from time to time and being able to use your vouchers to buy these might just about make them worth having. You've obviously got the option online of being able to search for a game you want as well. It's a lot easier than shifting through piles of stacked on top of each other boxes. It's not even like they bother to put them in any sort of order in the shops to help you either. By not making Game vouchers usable online they've made them more trouble than they're worth.

I'm not going to buy any "shop local" shit here either. For a start it's a national chain, we don't even get the VAT from it, then there's the over pricing, then there's the not being able to get through the door without getting hassled by staff and finally there are the dickheads that do shop in there who can easily spend half an hour returning games to fund their next purchase. Game, it's shit.

4 Out Of 5 Schools On The Rock Are Really Good...

...obvious then that we end up in the other one. I ask you what are the odds? (Yeah okay, 5-1)

The Day You Lose All Your Family Photos

It was bound to happen sooner or later, old hard drive in old PC containing 10 years worth of photographs. Of course I'd done the sensible thing and had them backed up, loads of times in fact, spread across god knows how many DVDs over the years. It's just a case of putting them into some sort of order and recovering them I suppose...

Or maybe not, a little while back I was looking into online backup as part of work (work from home) and came across a company (Mozy, same name as my best man) offering 2 gigs of free storage for "personal" use. That was more than enough for all our pictures so over the shiteness that is the MT upload limit (256k) I spent the best part of a day uploading the lot. It was worth it, cue instant (well shitty MT 2Mb) recovery onto the new NAS box.

There are times in life that I think I was born unlucky (how many people have a hard disk just stop altogether on them?) but if you look at it the other way how lucky was I to have backed the lot up only a couple of weeks ago? As an added bonus I can now go through and bin the shit loads of DVD's I've got lying around with god knows what on them.

Backing up, it's a pain in the ass right up until the day something goes wrong.

Halo Wars Demo On X-Box 360

All work has ground to a halt, at least for the next few hours. The much anticipated Halo Wars demo has finally made it onto x-box live. I'm currently at 33% downloaded and willing my broadband to work quicker. Damn you Manx Telecom with your shitty service!

I'm more interested in playing this than just about anything else that's hit the x-box in the last 6 months. First of all it's being heralded as the first ever RTS on the x-box that will actually play like an RTS. The others all seem to have fudged controls and it makes using any strategy almost impossible (Highlight all, click on baddy). Secondly, I've already pre-ordered and paid for a copy so if it's a pile of shit then I'm £40 out of pocket.

Please be good.

Note - It is very good! In fact it's probably the best demo ever to his x-box live, just a shame any silver subscribers don't get access until the 13th.

Chinese New Year 2009

Why is it always the same every bloody year? Whilst I always welcome a Chinese, why is it that I only desperately need one when it's Chinese New Year? 2009 has been no different, aching for Chinese grub and there's not a one open. Bugger.

Cocaine Trains, 24 Hour Licensing and Not A Chippy In Sight

The lads got together last night for a bit of a beer and rant session. Attendance was excellent with five of us showing up.

I got a taxi down, being the only out of towner. It wasn't the cost that alarmed me though, the taxi driver was one of those chatty English blokes and was happy ranting away about this and that. He mentioned how he was out last week and the pub closed at 11. WTF? What sort of hour is 11 o'fucking clock to be closing your pub in the land of 24 hour licensing. Anyhoo I took it with a pinch of salt, maybe it was just a one off?

When I arrived at Bar Gay..... I mean Boy George.... I mean Bar George...everybody was already seated. The nights of the round table. At about 2 beers in everybody loosened up and the rant was flowing freely. From the human race to teachers I think we just about covered it all. I learnt something as well, Cocaine Trains. There were a bunch of pin-striped toss pots (not that Iprejudge people of course) sat close to us who were regularly taking it in turns to go to the toilet in groups of 3. I just assumed they were bummers but in fact it's something called a Cocaine Train. The give away being the smug, back slapping looks they come back with.

So just as the night was really warming up for what could have been a better than great session time was called. At 11 o'clock. People left, chairs were put on tables until there was only us sat there. I was CONVINCED that it was some sort of a joke. Apparently not. Left to wander the streets it was decided that a chippy was the next order of the day, we wandered long and far, looking for anywhere that had a sign of life. Not a bloody one open. What sort of a shit hole island is this? I demand the right to be able to drink later than 11 on my thrice annual nights out and I also demand the right to go to a chippy on the way home, as I've done for the last 13 years. All this talk of credit crunches and shite is all great until you can't go to a chippy on your way home.

It was a great night, great company and shoddy lager. I've just crawled out of bed with a head that is begging me to puke my guts up to feel better. Now that wouldn't have happened if I'd had some chips to put on top of the dirty nasty lager.

Here's a picture of us in Boy George.....I mean Bar George:-

Insensitive

Is when you're laughing and joking with a mate about how you're considering getting another job "just" to fill your time, you walk away and only then realise that he was being a bit quite cos he's working for a company that has just announced huge layoffs.

Bugger.

Katrina Darrell - American Idol

I've never been a big fan of these make me a star shows like American Idol. However every now and then a story comes out about one that grabs my attention. Take Katrina Darrell for example who recently auditioned on American Idol in only a bikini. I don't know what it is about this girl that gets my attention....





The question is how would this translate to the UK, how would we feel if the average English munter turned up in her bikini on Saturday night TV? Do we have any Katrina Darrell's out there?

Oh my God! There probably isn’t one.

Atheist adverts declaring that "there's probably no God" have been placed on 800 buses around Britain after an unprecedented fundraising campaign. Well my point of view is neither here nor there, but I unquestionable know there isn’t one.

And if you needed proof, just look at the psycho bitch that was my first wife, no God would allow me to do that. Then there is the complete Cluster Fuck that is the world at the moment and in all likelihood since man managed to drag himself out of the primordial slim and pick up a pint.

Man’s inhumanity to man is legendary, whether it is the in name of some deity, some cause or just for the sake of power.

Yep, there is no God. The final proof is Chicks with Dicks… WTF?

New Gladiator Siren

Those bastards over at Sky have binned my favourite Gladiator Ice! Thoughtfully though they have seen fit to employ some even fitter totty - I give you Siren (Amy Guy)!

Ho Ho Ho

Done. For another year. Had a fantastic Christmas actually, it had all the right things, lazing around, turkey and beer. Christmas day was the usual blur of opening the pressies, cooking, eating, playing, watching TV before finally sticking the Wii on for some late night darts. There was a bit of grumpy tiredness later on in the day but it basically had everything you'd expect from a nice pleasant Christmas day. Everybody got everything they wanted from Santa and I even managed to get the turkey right this year.

Boxing day we did nothing except play with our new toys. L hitting Animal Crossing on the Wii, S with the e-reader and me on the x-box. It was awesome. There are times when I think I'm missing out on stuff by not being in the pub as much as I used to (usually when I'm in the pub) but it's days like this that I really enjoy, just being sat around the house with nothing much to do taking it easy with my favourite people. There is a lot to be said for just being lazy every now and then. Maybe age will be a welcome companion for me after all. And that's been about it really. I'm not planning on doing a whole lot until the new year so it's going to be bits of work and playing games for the next few days. New years eve will be a case of a few beers and a board game with the in-laws, it's all rock n' roll.

For now though I hope everybody had a great Christmas and wish everybody a happy new year! Take it easy.

Slippers and cardigan on, must get back to the xbox.

Thank Fuck For That

Daughter does ballroom dancing. Wife is a huge ballroom fan. Queue 3 months of having that uber shite Strictly program on TV every single bastard night.

In a bit of parent child bonding I sat through the final on Saturday night and there were a few things I noticed.

1. The winner, Tom Somebody. What a smug twat. No really, I don't think I've ever seen anybody more smug. He couldn't have been smugger if he'd been born in the small town of Smugville in the county of Smugden in the country of Smugmania. Not only that but he was by far the worst dancer (I assume that is at least part of this program?). I have it on good authority that at least 3 of the girls and another one of the lads were significantly better than him throughout the whole thing. Certainly on the night the 2 girls seemed to be much better than Mr Smug. The judges and the experts around me said so. What the hell did the voting female public see in him? I understand that he doesn't have a competing vagina and that automatically makes him a vote for any girl 20-30 years old but seriously, come on?! Is it really that hard to vote for another girl?

2. Fred and Ginge. How many references can you have to Fred and Ginger in one program, surely Saturday night set some sort of record? It turns out that Tom The Twat has always wanted to be like Fred Astaire. He's also been dance trained. I'm beginning to smell something funny here.

3. Finally it all becomes clear. Mr Smug is actually an unemployed BBC actor, Strictly Shite seems to be on its last legs. The BBC will be looking for a new dance orientated Saturday night program soon (seeing as how it's the only program in their books with any viewer rating). Who better to host it than the UK's very own new Fred Astaire who also just happens to have just won Strictly? It could only possibly be better if he'd just got married (which got no coverage right, wasn't even mentioned?), a good wholesome Saturday night TV presenter. We give you, Mr Tom Chambers.

4. From looking at Lisa's partners face I'd say he worked this out a bit quicker than me. He looks like he could handle himself (for a puffy dancer), hopefully he'll man up and go and knock the crap out of Mr Tom "Smug" Chambers for wasting months of his life teaching somebody to dance who had no chance of winning because the BBC already knew who was going to win from day one. The only chance the judges had to put a spanner in the works the bosses just by-passed the dance off. Nice and subtle boys.

So that was about it. Basically another reality show of rigging and bullshit designed to do nothing more that rape people for phone money. 3 months of it. Even worse we'll now be seeing that smug fucker on every BBC program that they have the opportunity to put him on. Yet another reason not to pay a license fee.

Edit - And just to show how humble in winning the man is:-

"Chambers meanwhile believes he won because he was more of an entertainer than a dancer."

Ahh, so blubbering every 30 seconds about how lucky you are to be married is now entertainment you fucktard? No you smarmy waste of oxygen you won because MOST women don't like other women.

BBC Taxes The Isle of Man

It is a well known fact that the Isle of Man gets fuck all coverage from the BBC. Oh sure we get the odd bit of bad publicity about being tax dodgers on Newsnight and maybe a few pictures of the Laxey Wheel taken by Ethell from Port St Mary on North West Tonight but that's about it. When it comes to radio our local station receives nothing from the BBC, it's funded completely by the tax payers of the Island.

Yet we still pay a license fee. Exactly the same as the one in the UK. To add insult to injury there are a load of places on the rock where you can't even get a half decent TV reception with an aerial. Many more with no signal at all. That's why 70% of the population are paying on top for satellite TV! So at last one of our politicians has had the gall to say something about this BBC rip-off. But we're told that if we scrap the fee then it will end up costing us more, except if you have Satellite TV.

Soooo 70% of the population have Satellite TV, therefore scrapping the license fee is going to save them money each year. Of the other 30% I wonder how many qualify for a free license? Just about all I would have thought. So they are being subsidised by everybody else. So here's a plan, how about we have a vote amongst those of us that actually get to pay for all this shit. Ignore the "I'm not paying for it but I don't like change" gang just for once.

Those who want to carry on paying a license fee no matter what the cost say - "Fuck me BBC now you bad boy".

Those who instead would like to see the license fee scrapped and have the subsidy money for 1 year go towards fitting Freeview satellite systems for the other 30% of homes (with no extra costs after that) say - "Fuck off you stealth taxing robbing twats".

The BBC is received without a license fee in tonnes of places all over the world. The UK are so keen to tell us that we are not in their gang at every opportunity so why do we volunteer our money to their state owned TV every year?

Why Can't Women Blow Their Noses?

Mrs B has a terrible cold at the moment, it's on its fourth day and no signs of letting up yet. Last night was another sleepless night of tossing and turning, sniffling, coughing, sniffling and then more sniffling.

What is it that makes women unable to blow their noses? When I'm bunged up there's no better feeling than letting rip into a hanky leaving a trail that Ron Jeremy would be proud off. Get out you bitch! Of course it builds up again but at least it's half an hour of breathing freedom. When you're sniffling all you're doing is sucking it up to let it fall back down again. It's not going anywhere unless you do a super soak up when it ends up in your throat. That's alright when you're outside but you can hardly phlegm it out in the house.

Even when convinced that there is no shame in blowing your nose most chicks make a dismal attempt at it. Some half hearted pfffhhh through one nostril. I've seen my daughter cry when trying to blow her nose, giving up and rubbing half her nose away instead. It's easy, you take a deep breath in using your mouth, close your mouth and blow as hard as you can through your nose. When either your ears pop or your nose erupts you know you've done it right.

So girlies of the world there is no shame in blowing your nose, if it's one blow or 30 minutes of sniffling I know what I rather hear. Get blowing!

Manx Gas

Fifteen phone calls later.

Me - "Hi, I'd like to pay my gas bill please"

Lasy - "Sorry, they're with a customer at the moment, would you like to call back later"

Me - "No."

Lady - "Oh, why?"

Me - "Because this is my fifteenth phone call, I'm starting to lose my sense of humour about this, since 9 o'clock this fucking morning I've been trying to give you some money"

Lady - "I'll take your details..."

So the moral of this story is this. Fuck being polite.

You May Want To Close Your Ears...

Fuckidy fucking fuck, with a big yellow fucking fuck off on top!

I've taken the day of today, only 3 things to do, 3 very very simple things but I knew deep down that on this shithole rock nothing is ever that simple. Prepared, I've taken the whole day to get them sorted.

1. Pay gas bill via debit card. There is a number on the back of the bill so this should be a no brainer, or at least you'd think so. I've phoned at least 12 times this morning, either to get no answer at all or to be asked if I can phone back in 10-15 minutes because they're busy! For fucks sake I'm only trying to pay our fucking bill using one of the recommended payment methods on the back of the bill you cunts. So far I've racked up the cost of 12 phone calls without having managed to get even close to paying the bill.

2. Arrange to have the oven fixed. Now I knew this was going to be a shitter. First of all I phone the MEA who advertise that they fix Indesit appliances but surprise surprise, no joy. So I phone Indesit themselves who take all my details, the girl on the other end is actually very nice and helpful until she comes to pull up my nearest repair man. "Oh you live on the Isle of Man" she says with a level of fear that even I taste this end of the phone. 10 minutes of being on hold later she comes back with the news that they can't actually help me with my repair but instead a list of phone numbers to try. I go through them all, eventually coming across one that answers. As luck would have it I'm now speaking to the people who fix Indesit stuff on the rock. It's only taken an hour. They take the model of my oven, the phone goes silent. 2 minutes later I'm asked if I have the serial number, what the??? I check the Oven everywhere, there is nothing that identifies it anymore than the manual (which I've already told them). "Oh well there's 3 different types, without the exact serial right one we can't help". The end. So that's that, no chance of having the £500 2 year old oven fixed on the rock. As soon as I mention buying a new one though they are more than happy to help. They can shove it up their asses. So instead I take the oven apart, right down to its bare components, on giving up deciding what might be the thermostat (no parts are labeled of course) I decide that enough is enough. I'll be buying a £5 Oven Thermometer instead - from off island.

3. Get return box for x-box. My final job today, sit in and wait for the return box so I can have my 360 fixed. Microsoft inform me that it should be with me today. The local courier firm can neither confirm nor deny this although there's no sign of it yet. I'm not hopeful.

So overall out of 3 very simple jobs to do I've managed to complete fuck all. Is it through a lack of trying, our phone bill would suggest not? Or is it because living on this fucking rock nothing is ever simple.

GMail Gets Even Cooler

We love Gmail here, well all except one of us anyway. If however there was any criticism of GMail it was that it was a little dull looking. Well not anymore. Google have pimped the ass out of it by supplying a raft of interesting themes.

Enjoy.

WE ARE NOT A TAX HAVEN

The Isle of Man has accumulated significant wealth over the last 20 years. Bank deposits of more than 80 billion, pensions and investments also of more than 80 billion. As well as this we have one of the largest shipping registers in the world and not to mention a very active film/movie industry. There are thousands of companies registered at our companies registry, the vast majority of which have no connection with the Isle of Man.

Now the question, this wealth has been accumulated on the Isle of Man because:-

a) We are all really nice people, we say hello to the fairies, the Norse God Thor and his mighty hammer have blessed us with good fortune.

b) The Manx as a race are bred to provide unrivalled customer service. From our busses to our international telephone banking client call centres all our staff are immensely pleasant and helpful. Our natural skill base and "need to serve" has attracted big business.

c) We made doing business cheaper. Instead of paying £10 tax to somebody else we'll let you do business for only £1 or even better free (as long as you employ local staff) i.e we are a tax haven - we compete on taxation

Then there is the question of individuals. Why do so many non manx individuals choose to open accounts on the Isle of Man?

Is it:-

a) Because they came here once on holiday and liked the place so much that they thought it best to keep their entire life savings here?

b) They saw the TT on Men & Motors once and figured what the hell, that's the place where I want to keep my money!

c) Despite all the best regulations and claims in the world it is still entirely possible to hide the real beneficiary (or who owns what) via any number of corporate/investment vehicles. And at the end of the day we can always just claim that it is the individual’s responsibility to declare any money offshore as and when it is repatriated i.e. we are a tax haven?

Praise be to Thor and the TT is all I can say!

The woman who couldn't even clean

Nice article this:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/4/20081119/twl-astronaut-s-bag-drifts-into-space-41f21e0_1.html

It's about the Astronaut woman who dropped her tools while cleaning something on the Space Station - the tools then drifted away.

By late Tuesday, the bag was already more than two miles (3.2km) in front of the shuttle-station complex

Given that (in space) everything is inertia based, since there's not much in the way of gravity or wind resistance. This means all motion is strictly proportional.

So, for the tools to drift 3.2 km in 24 hours it means they drifted 133m in the first hour. And 2 metres in the first minute. About an arm's length in the first 20 seconds. A slug is quicker than that. She's not exactly a quick thinker.

But it does beg the question:

Why the hell wasn't she in the kitchen!?

p.s. for the women who need this blog translated into woman-speak - forget about it, just put on a pretty dress or something. Get your nails done.

The One Flaw In Women

This is hilarious:

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing t his creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

Okay....it was at this stage (while reading) that I realised that this wasn't a joke. It's a chain email that women send to each other when their "head isn't in the right place". Whatever that bollocks means.

At no point was there going to be a mention of how (with only two hands) she carries three-bottles of beer or what the extra opening at the back is for (add your own one liner)

It just goes on and on and on about how lovely woman are. I just wanted to inflict some of my disappointment on the rest of male-kind.

A Scene From RBS This Morning...

Gears of War 2

I played through the single player campaign on GoW2 yesterday, started at 9 in the morning and got finished at 9:30 at night. Including a few breaks I'd say it's a good 10-11 hours worth of game play at the normal difficulty level (keeping in mind that I am a gaming guru and only died maybe once or twice during the whole game). It was very nice to be able to chill out and just enjoy a game instead of worrying about if it's too noisy and all the other crap that is part of.....well you know.

So is it any good? Yes. In fact it's excellent. I'm not going to bang on about the graphics because there are plenty of movie clips online that highlight just how stunning everything looks. It doesn't actually look that different to the first game but then again there wasn't that much they could improve on anyway. Enough to say that detail levels and frame rate are top notch throughtout.

It's also probably not worth going into too much detail on the gameplay either. If you've ever played the first Gears of War then this is exactly the same. Get into cover and pop out shooting is the name of the game throught 80% of the single player mission. There are a couple of nice vehicle style levels to break this up, important if you're going to play it in a monster session like me. But it is very much more of the same as the first.

What makes a game a classic these days isn't so much the graphics or the gameplay (not for FPS games anyway) but rather the story and this is weher GoW2 shines. The whole feel of the game is so much bigger than the first. It starts with a simple mission to defend a hospital but then the story erupts into mankinds fight for survival and one final choice. Attack instead of defend. From that point the game takes you on a roller coaster ride as you play the part of Marc Fenix as he leads Delta Squad to the core to take on the Locust on their home ground. You'll find hints along the way that reveal the very source of the Locust, there are plenty of personal elements as you come across characters from the first game and lose others. You will be very happy and more than a bit relieved when the Cole Train makes his first propper entrace! It's a movie style buzz. Inter twined amongst the main story is also the sub plot of Fenix's best mate Dom and his search for his wife. Whilst unlike a RPG where you get to decide on how the plot unfolds with GoW2 what happens will happen, of course this allows the developers to give it the full movie'esque feel. The game is stuffed with high quality cut scenes (even just taking a lift the camera angles add to the tension) and top notch voice acting. If you like big open feel games then this isn't for you, it is a linear story with high production values.

So are there any week points? Yes. As great as the gameplay is there has obviously been pressure put on the developers to make the single player game longer. About 70% into the game this results in some Halo style levelling. You know the type, lots of rooms the same that need to be cleared. For about an hour the game does become repetitive. I had to step away at this point and have a break. I was very worried that this was how they were going to end the game but thankfully they didn't. The first 70% is a fantastic journey with numerous different situations to fight your way through and the last 15% is the same. It looks like all the creative juice went into these elements and they just strapped on that middle bit to keep the marketers happy. Luckily unlike the first Halo this repetition only last an hour so it's well worth battling through it for the spectacular last few levels.

My only other minor gripe is with the difficulty. This is a common problem with modern games. They make the early levels easy enough to sucker the gamer in but then instead of a gradual difficulty curve they just go "right, try and beat that!" I was flying through it until the last 2 levels where all of a sudden I had to be very careful with ammo and staying in cover a lot more.

So all in all it's an excellent game. If you've got the first then it's a must buy to see how the story continues. At £35 (from Amazon) some might see it as an expensive 10-11 hours of entertainment? When you work it out I think it compares well to any DVD you'd buy plus there's also the small matter of online play. If you enjoy playing a game to see a very entertaining story unravel before you then you'll be struggling to do better than Gears of War 2.

Parents Evening

It's L's parents evening tonight. A chance for all the mums and dads* to go to the school and hear the teachers sprout a load of shit about what changes will be made in upcoming weeks that never actually happen but it makes them feel better like they're providing you as a parent with some feedback on your child's progress. It is in short a fucking great waste of time for all but the parents of naughty little shits, who lets face it don't care anyway and won't turn up. If you want little Johnnies mum and dad to know what a disruptive little fuckwit the kid is then why not just drag them in instead of having the whole school turn up, or is that classed as discrimination these days?

The thing is that both me and wife know how L is doing in school. We look at her homework, we talk to her. It works quite well. Tonight we'll get in from work, rush our tea, spend ages looking for a park. Spend even more time sat in a room on tiny chairs waiting for the form tutor to get around to us (they are always way behind schedule, ALWAYS). Finally he will tell us that L is doing fine, ask us if we have any concerns** and then let us get on our way. It's then a case of trying to navigate the car out of the inevitable cluster fuck of a parking situation. Wouldn't this work better if they just sent home a report (which they do) and if your kid is causing/having problems they have you in to talk about it?

*Do many other dads actually go to these things? I've been to every parents evening L has ever had and there's normally at most 2-3 other blokes there? I know my dad never went to any of mine.

**Of course you're not allowed to say anything at this point. Criticise the teacher and be damned. I'll never ever forget when I brought up how L couldn't read properly. I was then told that when it comes to reading it's not reading the actual words that are there that's important but rather just getting a gist of what the sentence is about. At that point we took it upon ourselves to teach L the art of reading the actual words. That teacher is now a headmistress FFS

Dear Diary

My very first blog started off as a Dear Diary sort of thing, and then a few friends and eventually strangers started reading it. (When I say a few strangers, I really mean 5 or 6; not the dizzy heights that LC & Annie get). So with my new found “fame” I started to embellish by daily scribbles. As they say: Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Then I started telling jokes, or at least recycling jokes I found off the internet and writing them as if I was in them and using relatives and friends as subjects. This was HILARIOUS…. At least I thought so, but when the “relatives” found out, they didn’t. Long Story Short: LOADS of Shouting and tears, and no one speaking to me. It took 2 years or so for it to be “forgotten” and never spoken of again.

So this Manx Lads was devised for two reasons, my anonymity from relatives and the fact with 4 of us posting we should get at least a blog a week up. Not that that happens often.

Anyway, as I can’t think of any rants, I am going to revert to my old Dear Diary on a Monday morning. So please ignore these boring posts, but as Civil Service Monkey riding the Gravy Train to retirement it will give me something to do.

Friday Night was the usual “Married with Kids” night. I drank Pear Cider and played Halo with the 4 year old online. Then drank more cider and played cards with the wife.

Saturday morning was the Rugby League World Cup; alas England blew it in the second half, but they have a second chance this week in the semi finals. Mind you, the way Australia are playing I wouldn’t give them much of a chance IF they get through to the final. Saturday afternoon was Rugby Union; with the new look Johnson side. I must admit they looked good. We can’t tell truthfully how well they’ve improved until they come up against the Tri-Nations squads, but the “black three” were excellent.

Then I managed to get some time on my latest Xbox 360 game: Viking. Although very simple, it looks good and the death scenes are excellent. Anyway, it was a tenner on eBay and only has to last till Christmas when I’ll get my hands on Fallout 3. Which is getting excellent reviews; including one that said it was a cross between Duke Nuke ’em, Oblivion & Gears of War. Which is praise indeed.

The evening was rounded off watching Tat on TV (ie X-Factor) and drinking Vodka.

Sunday morning was more Xbox, followed by going to see Igor with the little’un. Trust me, avoid it like the plague. That was pretty much it apart from the obligatory Sunday Roast all washed down with 2 bottles of Red Wine.

After re reading it, it’s just drivel. I won’t summit you to anymore of this as it bored the arse of me and I lived it. Still I’ve wrote this so this one goes up.

Sorry

Living On The Edge

It's bloody stressful all this making money from the internet thing. Life goes up and down round and round and you hold on, partly shitting it, partly knowing that tomorrow could be the day....

Take today for example. One of my nice little side earners is referring people to bookmakers. Online gambling is big business these days and getting people signed up is a fairly easy way of making a few pound. There are that many online bookies out there that being positive about one is normally enough to get your signup. The problem is that most work on the basis of revenue share. So if your new gambler loses money you take a percentage of what he looses, but if he wins then a percentage of that comes from your earnings. You never owe the bookie money but you can end up with a big negative balance, it's all just part of the fun!

So I've been doing this for a few years now and have a lot of signups. Most are small time average Joe's who gamble a few pound here and there and over that time I've made "enough". Then about 2 months ago I must have referred a real pro. Somebody who spends big and wins big. In a matter of weeks they wiped out my entire earnings. Cooont! It was a bad day, put it down to experience and get on with it. What that money was sidelined for will just have to wait.

But back to today. I just checked and last week I must have referred an even bigger loser (or 2). They are losing money hand over fist and making me good money. How would an extra £50-£60 a day in your bank account feel? This guy or guys just love spending. This is where the fun starts though. I can't cash out until the end of the month, in that time he/they could win big. However I could spend that cash now on the basis that it's coming. It would go a long way to covering Christmas.

What do I do, spend spend spend or just leave it and pretend that money doesn't exist? If I put it on credit now and the money doesn't come then that's another lump to find next month.

Sometimes just having a normal job might be nice.

A game of chicken

The traffic lights outside the office are being replaced. The job that started on Sunday that took nine Dept. of Transport workers to stand around whilst two worked (it's coming up to Christmas after all - so everyone wants a slice of overtime) is now in its third day.

Just two bods are now frantically puzzling over the mess of wires that sprout from the top of the traffic lights - trying to fix them up before an accident happens. Because now this busy stretch of road has become a scene from Death Race 2008 - with the pedestrians trying to cross and the cars/lorries/vans daring them to take that first step to cross the road.

The cars actually speed up if they see pedestrians making their wat to the crossing. Speed up to scare them off - and ensure they don't have to slow down and delay their journey by ten seconds. In some wierdly perverse social experiment I stand at the window, coffee in hand, and watch this devolvement of human spirit as car vs person takes on a grisly spectacle.

So place your bets now. The white van vs the hassled office worker - who will come out the winner?

That's Entertainment

Someone has to comment on the latest non-news item - Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross being abusive on the telephone to old people.

Should they lose their jobs - or are we over-reacting?

Who cares? The key thing is; these two guys are paid Entertainers, they are required to entertain.

Would it be more entertaining if:
a) they apologise and keep their jobs or
b) get sacked and jailed for breaking some Privacy/Obscenity laws?

Of course, it's "b". We'll get months of entertainment out of this scandal; their dismissal, incarceration, release, re-hab and re-integration into the BBC.

Plus, all the saucy stories of the pair of them being asked to pick up the soap. Personally, I find both of them hysterically funny. But, alas, I grow bored easily.

So Entertain us on her majesties pleasure - you lisping, dickless wonders!! It is, after all, your job.

Nearly Killed

I just stepped outside the front door and went ass over tit. Some twat had conveniently left what looks like a couple of old fish boxes right in front of the door.

Luckily they just about managed to fit in the bin.

It's Not Our Fault

So the Isle of Man depositors compensation scheme that was a waste of space is going to get changed to include other non personal depositors, up to a maximum of £20,000. On top of that the amount the banks will pay in has been reduced (because they didn't like it) and the income tax paying public will chuck in £150,000,000 instead. That is half of the governments reserves. More on that later.

The thing is that this new scheme will only be in place for 12 months. I think it has been worked out to try and do as much damage limitation as is possible for the customers of KSF and to salvage some of the Isle of Man's reputation. Will it work, only time will tell? One thing is for sure though it's certainly not a long term solution or guarantee against deposits in the Isle of Man. The government must be praying that another bank doesn't go under in the mean time because how many £150 millions can we afford, not many! Another bank going under will finish us off in my opinion.

This is what happens when you bank offshore, but it's not our fault. Not so long ago the Isle of Man had booming tourism and fishing industries, I'm not talking about hundreds of years here, just a few decades ago. Boats from other countries pillaged our fish stocks and with the advent of cheap foreign holidays to Spain the tourism industry almost vanished over night. As a country what are you supposed to do? We took the step that any other small country with no viable export/industry would do, we set ourselves up as a finance centre/tax heaven. We tried to attract business by offering them a low tax regime under which to work. It has worked very well, up to now.

The trouble is that with all deposits under management going well over 100 billion we don't have the economy in other areas to support that, it's impossible with an island with only 80,000 inhabitants, only 40,000 of which work and only 30,000 that aren't on the government payroll. There is no way that our economy can support those deposits if things go wrong. Even with all those billions on deposit for so many years we still only have a reserve fund of £300 million. Our government lives almost hand to mouth in terms of income/expenditure in order to provide the best environment for business. Just look at Douglas for example, it's a shit hole! With all the money kept here if the government was really raking it in do you not think that might do something about at least making the place look clean? Instead we borrow big for our big projects and get ripped off left and right by consultants. Our government is run by shop keepers FFS!

When our other industries were taken away the Isle of Man had 2 choices. Mass emigration and die or do whatever it takes to survive. The island took the second option and established one of the most well regulated finance centres in the world. You want to see the shit we have to go through just to open a bank account! BUT, there will always be more risk in depositing money in economies that can't afford to shaw up failing financial institutes, it's just a case of economies of scale. We are totally dependent on the finance sector as a country, if you deposit £2 million here and the bank goes bust then I'm sorry but we can't afford to give you free money, blame the bank for not operating a suitable business plan, and blame yourself for chasing the highest interest rate instead of using any form of caution. Blame anybody but us, because it's not our fault.

Remember This Day Well...

Everybody on the Isle of Man should make a note of this day, it's the day that the islands financial services industry (the finance sector) started its swift route to doom.

The manx government have just approved a new depositors protection scheme that will protect PERSONAL savings up to £50k. This new scheme offers no security at all to corporate/trust accounts. How much of our ecomony is based on corporate/trust work, shifting numbers on spreadsheets between banks? Shit loads. Who in their right mind will risk their money in such a small economy in the current environment? The shockwaves are already travelling around the internet at lightning speed at the news of the "local" savers at Kaupthing Singer & Friedlander (IoM)Ltd who have just been screwed. Like most of our banks, they are seperate entities to their UK/intl counterparts. Great when you're looking at tax saving when things are good not so great when things go tits up! If you're doing business in the Isle of Man you'll need a local account and all the risks that go with it.

I'm of to buy a gun and a fishing rod. Not worth worrying about money, cos fairly soon none of us are going to have any.