Pure Gaming Porn

This video makes me very very happy in a holy shit I'm getting old type of way.

P P P P P P P Poker Face

Isle Of Man Ripe For The Rip-Off

"I don't suppose it matters who it is as long as they continue to employ local people and there's a service for local people."

The most important thing is to protect the jobs and ensure there is no supply shortage, swwweeeetttttt. Any oil companies fancy a nice big Manx Government subsidy? Or how about a captive market to over charge?

Maybe the wise thing would be to keep schtum and let Total take care of the sale of THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Time To Pull Out The White Board

and give a little lesson on something called Statistical Significance

Ronaldsway Airport Is A Rockin And A Rollin Again

An increase of 45 people using the airport isn't an upwards trend, it's a fucking stag party making a big mistake.

Always The Wrong Choice

I was clever enough to get by at school. Despite having just about no interest in any of the subjects I was being taught I picked up enough from the teachers I did like, combined with a serious schooling in the "real world" by my dad I did OK. At GCSE level I bagged a full house of B's and C's, not spectacular but not too bad considering I did nothing special to prepare, to the extent that one of my teachers had to come and pick me up to get me to one exam on time because I'd forgetten about it!

When I'd finished my GCSE's it was assumed I'd stay on and do A-levels. How do I know this? Because I got a phone call on day 2 of the new school year from a mate who was contacting me because the school were wanting to know where I was. Where I was? I was where I said I'd be, at college, they obviously thought I was joking. Students like me don't go to college. College is for the deadheads and mentlers that can't behave themselves enough to do sixth form. OK, so I had no interest in school but that didn't stop me from behaving myself and respecting that other people were interested. My reason for choosing college was simple, the A/S level IT was taught on PC's not the toy Macs that every school on the island insisted on using. I knew that it was a waste of my time to learn anything Mac related. The other subjects I chose were just a filler, the only subject I'd been interested in was IT, there was no such thing as a GCSE in it back then and I was in the first year that an A/S level was offered.

The people who did stay on to do 6th form were mainly made up from people who I got on really well with. The majority consisted of my mates who I'd gone through primary school and then secondary school with. I think that most of them took full advantage of what was easily the best school on the Isle of Man at the time and got fantastic A-level results. Most went off to Unversity, some got jobs. Car share and some of the best days of my life.

What about me? My A-level career was short lived. The IT A/S level was useless, it taught nothing. I'd figured this out too late to change course and so I had to see out the rest of the year including the other subjects I was doing as filler. That year wasn't a total waste because I did end up with some A's at A/S level including one in business studies (which I came to really enjoy, cheers Paul Martin). I decided that I needed to do something more practical, the obvious choice was a GNVQ in IT. What a strange course that was! Made up of a combination of school leavers, house wives and men in the mid 30's.

Seven months into my new GNVQ IT course and I can see that once again this isn't really aimed at me. It's not their fault. I ask what I can hope for when I've finished this course? "Well you could go straight in to work as an IT technician or the preferred option is to go to university and do a degree". Ahh, I'd already released several games by this point. I was 18, I did my best to explain. I wrote them a special little graphical something in C that made the lecturers go WTF. They decided that I was wasting my time in education and would be better off getting a job. Most of the poeple on that course lasted out the 2 years and went on to Universtity. I've seen plenty of them around since. Some work in IT support, some drive delivery vans. I left college after 2 years and 2 incomplete courses and got a job. It was right in the middle of a recession. I didn't have the first clue what a recession was! All I knew was I got offered 2 jobs, 1 government and 1 private. I took the private one (for half the pay - software developer £7.5k per annum) because I figured it would help me learn. It did, I owe a hell of a lot to a lad called Michael Ferguson. I was never the easiest person to employ but as a senior developer he looked out for me a lot.

Jump forward to today, I'm 31, I've ran my own business for the last 4 years. One of my creations is still treated as one of the best 100 pieces of freeware ever written. I don't really have to worry about money. I've jumped from job to job, been fed up with IT several times. I don't really keep up to date with all of todays technologies, not only that but from time to time I even have to TRY to learn and take things in. Still I've done ok for myself despite making it up as I go along.

What has become of my friends that stayed on at school to do A-levels? Well most as I said went on to Universtity and eventually returned to the island. You'll find the majority now in paper shuffling none job government positions. Exactly the same as the majority who left school at 16 with bugger all. Bitter me? Perhaps a bit. But wouldn't you be if your "first job at 18" taxes were paying to put your peers through University only for them then to get dead end jobs. If they had drive, a goal, any career ambition - no worries. Then 10 years later I have the increased taxes from my success helping keep them in jobs whilst all the time getting screwed all ways up by a left wing government. Do I have any right to be a bit bitter? This was all my personal choice wasn't it? Yes it was, born out of a sense of wanting to contribute to society. My dad, school of life, remember?

Anyhoo this isn't about me blowing my own trumpet. I don't give a flying fuck what people think, never have, never will. The trumpets that deserve blowing are the people that did their A-levels at school but then spurned University to take jobs. I can't tell you how much respect I have for those people, to have turned their back on Uni must have taken massive balls. I don't know anybody who hasn't gone on to have a successful career in whatever they decided to do. Remember they left school (when I left college) at a time when the economy was tits up.

So when I turn on the TV and all I see is news program after news program filled with students who can't get a place on their social studies with post modernist drama course all I can think is fuck you. Shut the fuck up, knuckle the fuck down and get a fucking job.

Why Oh Why...

...would you go to the effort of picking up dog shit only then to dump the plastic bag? You've just handled dog shit, is it really that hard to chuck it in the nearest bin?

FU Gadget Show

I like lists, lets do a list-

1. Where the hell were the actual gadget reviews in this your first episode of a brand new series, have there been no new gadgets out in the last few months (excluding Apple toys of course)?

2. You can't give the iPhone 4 a 5G rating so instead you don't give it any rating, nice.

3. When testing the iPhone against its competition you put it in the hands of an experienced user whilst giving the new device(s) to somebody who has never used them. In what way is this a useful test?

4. I have no problem with people making commissions from promoting a product, fuck me I've made a career out of it, however please be open about it. Rave reviews about average products followed by a positive call to action (check out our website where you'll find the best prices for the iPhone4) is not what you expect from a mainstream consumer program. FFS just be honest about your relationship with Apple.

5. Exactly how does a challenge which involves using agencies to market the Gadget Show help your viewers make informed gadget buying choices? Seriously?

6. Suzi is not great looking. Lovely girl but she's average looking. Stop fucking letching over her like a couple of sex starved teenage tossers.

7. Your program is a pile of shit. I gave the new series a chance, you've blown it. That will be the last episode of the Gadget Show I ever watch.

I would buy an iPad, but . . .

I hate the frickin' adverts. What a bunch of knob-jockeys . . .

Public Sector Whinge

Blah blah, low paid, blah, whinge whine blah blah, not fair, blah blah, bastard bankers, whinge, I work hard, whine whinge blah blah

Just getting this in early before the UK budget is announced.

The reality is:- Gravy Train - Choo Choo

And the bankers weren't entirely responsible for the problems the UK has found itself in, you might have to look a little closer to home. Muppets thinking they can afford £250k houses (as well as the holiday, well you deserve it, and new car every few years) on a £20k a year job MAY have had something to do with it.

Disclaimer:- I don't work in a bank, I'm just somebody whose family lives within their means, who averages 50-60 hours work every week, who hasn't had a bank holiday off in 3 and a half years and whose annual leave is counted in single digits. But that's my choice, if I'm not happy with it I can always try and find another job - the world is strange like that.

Man With Invested Interest In Something Suggests We Need More Of It

http://www.manxradio.com/newsread.aspx?id=45653

Personally I think we need more internet advertisers, every company should advertise online. I'm not just saying that because it would benefit me personally, I just believe it would make the world a better place.

Ha Ha, You Are More Fucked Up Than Us

Just to put things in to perspective, YOU are letting a party that represents less than 25% of the population hold YOUR country to ransom until it gets its own way over something that LESS THAN 25% of people voted for. The party that came a very distant 3rd holds all the power in the UK. You've got to laugh. On what planet is that democracy?

In any other country there would be protests, riots, things would get ugly. In the UK you get angry e-mails to BBC news. Well done.

Note: On the plus side now the dust has settled you seem to have a government that actually realises the massive financial shit storm going on and is determined to do something about it. Whilst ours concentrates on using less pens, no seriously

Shock As Thousands Of Work Shy Tree Huggers And Students Are Too Lazy To Vote

Is it really a shock?

TV crew turns up at a random University and asks the students how they are going to vote. Note: The reporter has made the effort of going to the University, i.e. not expecting the students to do ANYTHING. 90% say Liberal Democrat (why wouldn't they, they are promising to distribute far more of the wealth from the people who DO work to those that don't).

Come election day where there is a need for the same students to get of their asses, go somewhere and vote and.....shock horror...the majority can't actually be arsed, or even better turn up at the polling stations late.

I feel sorry for Nick Clegg a bit, courting students and people too lazy to work doesn't pan out too well when having them vote actually involves them having to do something. If only there was some way of exercising your democratic right in a way that involved absolutely fuck all effort on your behalf then I'm sure the Liberal Democrats would be a shoe-in!


IN OTHER SHOCK NEWS: The much warned about by experts, who know these things, run on Sterling that would happen should a hung parliament occur has started. Who'd have thought that?

Dear Gadget Show

Why have you taken what was one of my top 3 programs on TV and turned it into a bag of crap?

Whilst there has been a steady decline in the quality of what you have put out over the past 2 series last nights episode really took the biscuit in terms of utter crapness. Surely the whole point of your program is to test gadgets, at least that's what the original program was about. I'm assuming that something has been said along these lines recently because you now feel the need to mention during each episode that "testing gadgets is at the heart of everything you do". Whilst at the same time dedicating most of the program to some form of ridiculous ego challenge. Here's a small tip for you, why not do some gadget reviews and then you wouldn't have to keep on reminding people that's what your program is about?

Lets take last nights episode as an example. The majority of the program is dominated by a challenge. The first part of this challenge is to see what gadgets can help you RUN 400m the quickest. Except in some act of PC bullshit you have the old man win by wiggling a wii-mote. Because everybody with Wii-Fit doesn't know you can cheat by wiggling the mote instead of running? The only actual running technology on show, worn by Ortis, gets a few seconds of air time. Why didn't you just have him do a peice about his tech and show the time difference between wearing and not wearing it and what effect you are getting for your money? You know, like a real test, how hard would that be? The next 2 parts of the challenge are even more pointless, the cherry on the cake being Suzi flying through the air by crane hoist during the long jump challenge. Why the fucking hell even bother? It's not factual (like Bang Goes The Theory), it's not even entertaining (like Top Gear) it's just a giant ego trip for presenters who have become too fond of their own voices. The PCness of it makes me want to puke, if you're going to do a challenge make it a genuine challenge and if somebody is shit at it, let them be shit at it. They might be that crap that it becomes entertaining? On the other hand why not do away with the pointless challenges altogether and get back to reviewing new gadgets? We live in a gadget rich age, there is plenty of new stuff out each week.

In this respect I wouldn't even mind if you want to get rid off 1 or 2 of the presenters. Last nights episode contained two actual product review segments. The first by John where he looked at noise cancelling headphones was very well done, informative and of great use to somebody looking to buy a new pair of noise cancelling headphones. The second piece about the surround display for gaming done by Jason was frankly, useless. What did it tell us about this new gadget? It's clear that for 3 of the 4 current presenters it's become much more about being on TV, Jason has become his own biggest fan, Suzi has lost all her passion for gadgets, it's easy to spot the difference when you see her presenting a motorbike program. Ortis has clearly never had any interest in Gadgets at all or is a bag of nerves in front of the camera, the somebody telling him "you need to say this about this" nature of his pieces to camera are ripe for a bit of fast forwarding. That leaves John, the only real product reviewer left on the program.

The truth is that thanks to Sky+ the Gadget Show is now a 10 minute watch for people like me. People interested in buying and using the latest gadgets need to know what they're getting for their money, not how many world records a bunch of amateurs can get when backed up by huge teams of professionals! This will be my last series of the Gadget Show, it was good, now you've wrecked it. Wankers.

What Did New Mums Used To Do Before Facebook?

...because all they seem to do now is sit there updating the world with the status of their kids as if they are the first people in the world to have ever brought up a child. I imagine they do it so that the other new mums who they went to school with but haven't spoken to in 15 years can "like" it.

I'm not talking about the people who post the odd weekly update, I'm talking about the collective who feel the need to post updates every half hour about little Timmy's shit/jab/puke status. Either that or what a prick the father has been. Somebody far cleverer than me should do a study into the correlation between women of a certain age using Facebook and their likely hood to get knocked up by some twat that then pisses off.

As Facebook matures it'll get even better, we'll be able to follow the half hour updates for the first 6 months of the relationship and how this boyfriend is the bestest boyfriend in the world ever (luvs u bbs xxx), the announcement of being pregnant, then the next 18 months getting regular updates on what a prick the ex boyfriend now is and how little Timmy is the best kid the world has ever seen, despite having a crap dad.

I shouldn't forget that it's also compulsery as a new mum to let the world know via Facebook how tired you are feeling, EVERY FUCKING DAY. Well you can't have that status left emtpy of a morning can you?

And don't even get me started on 30+ year olds who suddenly feel the need to speak in txt spk

Facebook should have been left for the hot college chicks to post pictures of themselves, it's been spoilt now.

Trip Around The Isle of Man

A brief tour around the south of the Isle of Man.



Leaving the inner harbour at Douglas at about 8:40 in the morning...



...only to find out that the Heysham sailing is due to leave at 8:45. Time to get a move on.



First obstacle out of the way now it's a race to get to Peel before the harbour closes.



The lighthouse on Douglas head. Looks much bigger from the sea.



Port Soderick, scene of the infamous 1997 bottling incident. Yes there were chavvy scum on the Isle of Man as far back as 1997. :)



Can't tell if Jeremy Clarkson is home or not. Cracking photo though by Mrs B considering we were bouncing along at the best part of 25 knots



Approaching the Sound and the Calf of Man from the east. Not the most friendly looking coast in the world.



Passing through der der der..The Sound. Scene of plenty of ship wrecks and numerous deaths. This was the first time I'd travelled through here in over 20 years. The weather turned cold, the sea changed and then the GPS died. On the plus side there was plenty of wild life about.



Mrs B at the wheel as we cruise past Port Erin. An hour in to the journey and we were making good progress.



Opposite Niarbyl looking back towards Bradda Head, Kitterland and the Calf of Man. We knew at this point that all being well we'd hit Peel with plenty of time to spare so took the time to have a drift about. It was high tide and slack water so the sea settled right down. Can't think of anywhere better to be on a day like that.





Peel Castle at 10:30 in the morning. Sometimes you can take the things on your doorstep for granted without having any idea of just how lucky you are.



Sitting outside the entrance to Peel Castle waiting for permission to enter the harbour. Getting plenty of waives from people on their hollibobs, Mrs B was very impressed with friendly Peel.



All we need to do now is find somewhere to park. A great first run out in the boat and hopefuly many more to follow.

Is This Progress?

No money for life education. Cut backs on swimming lessons for the youngest primary school kids (we live on a small island FFS). Yet money to build and run a youth cafe so that 13 and 14 year olds have somewhere to sober up and get a cuddle from a social worker before going home..... I fucking give up.

I was brought up on the Isle of Man in the 80's and quite frankly the island as a whole didn't have a pot to piss in. Tourism had gone and the finance sector was merely a brain fart in the deepest recesses of a government that was lost with what to do. At that age I didn't realise just how skint most people were, you don't do you? Looking back....yep, most people worked their nuts off to get by. Here's the thing though, even in the post apocalyptic, pre finance sector Isle of Man there was money for swimming lessons and Happy Harold. There wasn't millions being spent on runways, security fences and making roads faster in the name of safety. I can't remember there being many youth cafe's for the poor deprived kids - Christ they'd have needed one on every street. What they did have was their priorities right, or at least I think so. If this is what they call progress then they can shove it up their asses.

Isle of Man Websites. Electrical

I wanted to buy a FreeSat SD box and as we are always told I thought about shopping local. I also thought to save time and effort I would visit the main retailer’s sites for information on products they sell.

Well you would have thought my internet connection had gone through a wormhole to 1990. Can they seriously expect to get away with these websites? You can get free templates anywhere on the net that would be better than these.

http://www.waltons.com/

http://www.mtveuronics.com/

And here is the other thing that REALLY pisses me off. I can almost forgive (actually I can’t) the fact that you have the shittiest of shitty websites, but if you are going to give me the option of contacting you via email. Then PLEASE have the decency to fucking reply!

I must have emailed both of the above websites 3 or 4 times over the last couple of years and NEVER got a reply.

I swear hanging is too good for them!

Quality Reporting At Its Best

Ta da! - Excellent News Story

Rabbit vs Predator

Forget Alien vs Predator, this is the real battle of the heavyweights.



It was such a nice day on Saturday that I decided to have a break from work and take the camera for a walk. About a mile later I stumbled across this :-



Skinned - CHECK
Spine Ripped Out - CHECK

Conclusive evidence as if any was needed that there is an intergalactic battle going on in my neighbourhood. I'll work on my Arnie style death-pit tomorrow, as long as the weather stays nice.

Beckii Cruel

So that video did nothing for me, then again I've never cracked one off with the thought of boning a child looking cartoon character in my head, the same can't be said for the legion of fans in Japan. Look at the target audience for Roricon, it's not exactly young girls! Now they've got a real face to "dream" about, awesome.

To criticise Beckii Cruel (or Rebecca Flint to give her real name) is to criticise the Isle of Man. "Good on her", "It's great for her, it's great for the Isle of Man", "Think of the free publicity". To be fair to the girl no criticism should be put to her, its her dad that needs his head read.

What it's taught me is that it's fine to have our kids pander to any sort of fantasy as long as no nudity is involved. Fuck working for a living, I'm off to see if I can find a lycra horse outfit for my 14 year old, don't worry, I'll make sure she puts tape over her nipples.

Apple

"Sir, it's not even turned on yet". "But it's glowing!". "That light confirms that it's off"

Apple summed up in one brief but oh so beautiful exchange.

Google Spell Checker

I can’t spell, never have been good at it. I put it down to be ever so slightly dyslexic. So basically when working on a computer I just type the way it sounds and the spell checker does the rest. However I have found Microsoft’s spell checker to be woefully inadequate at times. For example I was trying to type: deliberately obstreperous this morning but when I typed in my close approximation: derlibertatly obstrepidus, I had Mr Gates stumped!
So I always copy and paste into Google and sure enough it says, “Did you mean: deliberately obstreperous” and yes Google I did mean that, thank you!

Merry Christmas

By the looks of it a couple of the Manx Lads have had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual getting up late, hours opening presents, most of the afternoon cooking and then an evening of family joviality where I kick ass at whatever the games of choice are. This year it was mainly Buzz and I was on fire. Of course there was beer during the day but only at a rate where I was burning it off as fast as I was drinking it. Just a normal Christmas day if maybe a slighlty earlier finish than usual because of a few people having colds.

Boxing day was all about the presents. S was working, L was on her new laptop so I had the TV to myself. I started of with Modern Warfare 2 and managed to complete it in about 5 hours, pretty much what I was expecting. Brilliant game, enjoyed every minute of it. Then I started on Assassins Creed 2. Don't like it. Not at all. I'll play through it once so that I can see the whole game but after that I doubt I'll ever pick it up again. Over hyped style of substance nonsense. Today S is working again so I'll try and put in a few hours of Lego Indiana Jones, call me a kid if you like but I'm really looking forward to it.

All in that just about sums up the last couple of days. Enough beer, plenty of nice food and some decent gaming time. Happiness all round.

On a not so merry note we watched a film last night called Idiocracy, it's supposed to be a comedy but the reality that runs through it is a scary thought, the Chavs are going to finish us all off!

It's Like A Real Band, With Instruments And Stuff

Having been forced to endure the Karaoke talent that tosspot Simon Cowell seems determined to enforce on the UK every Christmas it's nice to see that somebody is making a stand.

Trying To Shop Local

There is a major campaign going on at the moment to try and get people to shop local on the Isle of Man. With the UK government pillaging our VAT revenue every penny that stays on island is seen to be a good thing.

In our house there is a definite split about this type of thing. I'm a firm believer in the Internet. It gives me the choice, value and here's a shocker for some people Better Buying Rights*. I do shop local, but when it suites me, for example when the local retailer hasn't doubled the price and has the item I'm looking for.

The wife on the other hand loves the whole shopping process. She likes to wander around for hours picking things up, putting them down again, being hassled by over attentive staff or ignored by staff with better things to do.

It's horses for courses and I'd never try to convince her that my way is better. It's just different. This Christmas there has again been 2 camps. I've already completed just about all my shopping, 95% of it done completely hassle free, getting exactly the items I need online, with plenty of time to spare. Mrs B on the other hand has decided that there's no hurry because she can just go to town anytime and get what she needs. Except when we did go to town last Saturday the shops had exactly the square root of FUCK ALL of what we needed to buy. Fine if you don't need anything specific, if a jumper will do and not a blue Lacoste size 10 jumper (Just an example, I'm not after a blue jumper). I was determined to get in on some shop local action so we did buy a few generic things but just about nothing to tick of the lists. Guess who spent Saturday night buying everything we had tried to buy local online?

And again today. Our daughter wants something specific, it's only a box of chocolates for christs sake, can they be found anywhere within the limits of our majestic capital? Can they bollocks. It might even be too late now to order some so thanks to "shopping local" that's something that's just not going to get bought.

This might sound like I'm being a bit of a spoilt brat, you know, expecting to find the items I want to buy and not something that's along the same lines + playing more for the pleasure. I don't give a shit. I work bloody hard for every penny I make and when I'm buying people presents I'd like to be able to either get them what they've asked for or what I think they'd like. It's not like I'm looking for wacky things, just normal everyday stuff. Completely ignoring the whole price issue if the shops don't have the choice then what are you supposed to do?

*If you buy something online but don't like it for whatever reason then you get a 14 day cooling off period where you can return it, no questions asked. It's all part of some distance selling regulations. Some shops offer the same terms but a lot don't so you may find that you've actually got better rights for returning stuff if you buy online.

Why worry about the Economy?

Given Global Warming, the increase in Acidity in the Oceans, Iranian Nuclear Weapons and an overdue Ice Age, we can safely assume the following:

"The Human Race will soon be extinct"

I was watching a “TV Show” the other night. It showed the last cave where the last (known) Neanderthal community lived. Meaning, there was literally a last Neanderthal man. Who had one last day and one last sunset before dying. Cool.

I want to be the last Homo Sapien. How Poetic to be the last of a species?

On my last day, I shall stand proud (on a hilltop somewhere) and say to God and Mankind: “yay, though you might have had a BMW X5 and a holiday home in Dubai and three PHDs and....shit – I am the last ever human. You CANNOT top that – you tw@ts”

Admittedly, my righteous exultation will be somewhat wasted given that no-one will hear me. Apart from my Cat who is so stupid it won’t even realise that all of humanity is dead and that it’s been eating dead manxies for the last 3 weeks.

However, I shall feel GOOD about it. And that’s what counts.

p.s. I guess the loss of my family, friends, all hope and the utter failure of my species to survive might slightly take the edge off my moment of happiness. But hey, it's swings and roundabouts.

An Island Of Moaners

Yeah I know, Pot calling Kettle black. But even too me this is extreme, check out some of those comments!

The Manx Love Spandau Ballet

The Reason I Get Angry Sometimes

It's all in this document. Personally I think it should be forced upon every public sector worker who chooses to whinge about how hard done to they are.

A couple of highlights:-

"The 2005 report concludes that average pay across the public sector is some 15% above that in the private sector and this differential has widened over the last four years".

AND

"We simply cannot afford to lose sight of the fact that the prosperity of everyone in this community is dependent first and foremost on the efforts of the wealth generating private sector".

That 15% also doesn't include a final salary pension scheme that is unavailable anywhere else. Depending on your calculation that ads an extra 10%-20% differential meaning that in fact the real pay gap is somewhere between 25% and 35%. Thanks to the governments double pay award scheme (annual increment + pay rise) I'd also bet the house on the fact that the gap has widened again over the last 4 years.

Congratulations to anybody working in the private sector, not only are you the driving force behind this small island economy but you're also doing it for much less pay than you'd get get if you opted to sit on your ass in a government office.

It's Not E-Gaming - It's Online Gambling

So the company I was working for had not long imploded, I was due to get married, tomorrow, and I'm trying on my suit when the phone goes. It's an employment agency asking me to go to an interview that afternoon, it's at a company that I've heard bad things about, in fact somebody I know once walked of their interview when realising the work conditions. I have nothing to lose, a wedding to pay for and a "what the hell" attitude. I go to the interview, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and just like every other interview I've ever had I get offered a job, on the top of the pay scale. I am fucking awesome at interviews even when I'm dressed like a tramp.

The next day I get married and go away on honeymoon. Over the next week or so I get several phone calls from my new soon to be employer asking when I'm going to be back. Call me a pessimist if you like but already my warning bells are going off, to be honest I'd never had any real trust in e-gaming (it was an e-gaming company, or as I like to call it online gambling) and even less faith in companies whose balance sheets tell you they are only surviving from venture capital. Yes I REALLY do this type of research before accepting a job, unfortunately the rushed nature of this meant I didn't really have much chance to do my checks. I wondered what could possibly be so important that they need my input, keeping in mind that I hadn't even started working for them yet and certainly wasn't on the payroll. Anyhoo, I kept with the nice demeanour and soon the honeymoon was over.

My first day wasn't exactly as I'd planned. For a start my uncle had died whilst we were away and that meant I had his funeral to attend the next day. He was my closest uncle and an usher at my wedding so it was a bit if a head fuck in what had already been a fairly messy year. It did get worse though, my first day also happened to be the lad I was replacing last day. He'd decided to jump ship early. At the time this didn't bother me in the slightest, the job I'd be doing was essentially a bit of web stuff and some database management so as long as the database was rationalised to some sort of accepted standard there would be no problems. The only possible reason I'd need any sort of a handover was if there database was a complete cluster fuck. Can you see where I'm going with this?

Over the next week I spend all my time familiarising myself with a database structure that just doesn't seem right. There was a lot of manual process going on in getting data out and my first thoughts are for automation. Two weeks in to my new job and the automation is complete. On the other hand my role (which is essentially to assist marketing) has now been expanded and I seem to be spending a lot of time with the IT department, headed by the biggest oaf I've ever worked with. A man so inept at everything his only redeemable feature is his ability to spew forth mountains of management bullshit. Of all the people I have worked with he was the one who clearly had the least clue of what he was talking about. He once bored me to the point where I was physically sick on leaving his office, I promise you that's true. Underneath he had a manager who was not far behind, clearly the company was being run on a premise of employing friends and family, or maybe just fuckwits. Even in saying all this there's always that niggle with a new boss that maybe it's just me that needs time to adjust, so I was more than happy to play the nice employee. Right up until the 3rd week of my employment that was.

In one morning I had 2 conversations that would result in me going out for lunch and never coming back. The first was from one of the big money backers, he received my automated reports each day and recognising the new name on the e-mail thought to contact me. He wanted somebody on the inside of the business who was out of the "loop" to report what was really going on. As far as he was concerned money was being thrown away hand over fist and he was wanted know why, he wanted to meet me that week and was coming over from Ireland. These are not the sort of games I get involved in. Then shortly after that the IT manager asked me to pull a report from the database showing the gambling turnover for last year. For a start I didn't work for the IT department and secondly I'd spent the last 2 weeks telling everybody who would listen that their database was a nonsense. My marketing manager was somebody who loved his data and would often ask for queries to be run, I'd do it and then he'd say something like "But when xxxx was here I'd see 5 times that number of signups". And I'd reply "Yes, that's because the database is crap and he wasn't doing it correctly". Why did nobody notice that with so many new customers they still couldn't make any money? But it gets better, not only did they want a report they also wanted me to sign it off as being accurate for company account purposes. Screw that. I was only the lowly database admin, I could now see why the other bloke couldn't get out the door quick enough, he knew it was coming up to that time of year. A morning of being asked to explain to a shareholder why the company was haemorrhaging money followed by being asked to make up some magic figures to reconcile with the bank account was enough for me.

But why even bother mentioning this? I suppose there are lessons about not rushing into things and the old if it quacks like a duck, swims like a duck and flies like a duck then 9 out of 10 times it's a duck thing but more importantly the man responsible for all the technology in that business at that time has just gone on to win some business bloke of the year award. I shit you not, it's not what you know, or to some extent even who you know. It's the amount of irrelevant dribbling bullshit that you can come out with that really matters.

ps Within 3 months of me leaving the entire front and back end gambling system was ripped out and replaced with a recognised system. I like to think that the report I left them on ways forward for them as a business had some influence in that decision.

National Insurance Contributions To Increase On The Isle of Man

Actually happened yesterday but the local media can't be bothered reporting on something that impacts on every single working person of the Isle of Man.

Isle of Man NI Increase

The good news is that the money has been allocated for Health Services, although with my knowledge of government accounting I wouldn't like to say what the actual chances of that happening are.

Non Stick Toilets

With all the inventiveness out in the world, why hasn’t someone invented a non stick toilet bowl?
Surely a Teflon coated bowl would prevent the perennial problem of skiddies on the bowl?
It seems simple enough to me.

The Great Rice Crispie Shortage

Can't find anybody with them in stock, happened before about a month ago. Has there been a problem with the rice crispie harvest?

I wouldn't mention it except it's the only cereal L will eat that isn't coated in sugar/chocolate.

How To Rescue The Isle of Man From The VAT Shortfall

It's headless chicken time on the rock. Government finances have just been shafted by our bigger, tougher neighbour and now it's "tough times ahead". In all the doom and gloom though people are forgetting about one thing,no, not Investing - I'm talking about the internet.

The Department of Trade and Industry have got us all covered, so no need to panic people! You see all we need to do is setup home businesses doing thing like...I dunno maybe making homemade greetings cards or painting stones and then via the power of the shopiom.com portal we can sell them to people all around the world. Even people in France have the internet, crisis, we'll make a killing? The Isle of Man could become the cottage industry centre of the world, all powered by Venda, it will be awesome.

So for anyone who finds themselves in financial shit creek because of what's going on my advice is pickup some stones (we have plenty), buy some paint and get cracking. Tough times my ass, shopiom.com is all we need.

How Not To Deal With Debt Part 2

Do not spent £100 on a pillow. Even better, don't buy 2.

How Not To Deal With Debt

1. Do not borrow even more money, surely that's just common sense?

2. Do not start selling of what you've bought for a fraction of its value

Anybody want to copy Labour in?

Ukraine vs England - Not On TV

Ukraine vs England is on Saturday. The nation that invented the game, has the buzz from early World Cup qualification and is generally regarded as one of the most football mad countries in the world doesn't get to watch their national teams latest world cup qualifier live on TV? That's seriously screwed up. It's bad enough when only pay per view channels get to show the national team but to not show it at all? Mental.

What's even worse is if you want to watch the match online you're looking at a one of price of £4.99 up until Wednesday I think, and then a piss taking'ly marvelous £9.99 after that. £9.99 for a single online streamed game! So what will happen is that a load of people will either forget or pray that something will happen to show the game on TV and end up desperate on Saturday and pay £9.99. Except there is a flaw in the plan of the schemers behind this, the online bookie Bet365 also have the rights to show the game and signing up with them is free. So it may not be as good as watching it from the comfort of your sofa on a large TV but at least if you're having to watch it online you can do it for free, just sign up at Bet365.

Note:- I've just been contacted by the company running this game and have been asked to promote it - for a price. It looks like I've made a massive mistake here, it's not £9.99 they are going to charge but actually £11.99! Yes, el-ev-en pounds and 99 pence to watch Ukraine vs England online. Not in 3D, not in HD, not an actual ticket to the game but to watch the game streamed over the net. Jesus H Christ, anybody paying that is stupid, anybody paying that when Bet365 are showing the game for free is clearly a mental!

People Who Pick Up Dog Shit

Was on the bus this morning and as we were heading up the hill we happened to go past some woman walking her dog. That's not quite right, cos at that point she wasn't so much walking the dog as fondling its shit. What I'm wondering here is what is the correct response to this? On the bus it looked like 90% of people diverted their gaze to straight ahead and locked it that way. The other 10% continued to stare out the window at the lady playing play-dough with turd. What are you supposed to do?

I should point out that I applaud people who love their animals enough to walk around after them picking up crap. Its reason enough for me to never own a dog. It's certainly a lot better than the other filthy bastards who just leave their dogs to shit everywhere for us to walk in. The Isle of Man used to be some sort of dog shit capital but it has gotten much better, far from perfect but better. It's just....you know...the whole picking up shit thing with your hands...with only a thin piece of plastic for protection. Doing it can't be great, watching somebody else isn't great either. Think I'll stick with being a diverter.

Natural Selection in Reverse

Bin Men in my day were something to secretly admire. They were smelly granted yet you had a grudging respect for these men that was left unsaid. They rose early in the morning combing the village and emptying your rubbish (no reuse, recycling in those days). They were hulking muscled men as well as they had to tote large bins crammed full of rubbish up and down lanes and drives and then heave them into the back of the lorry.

Just driving to work this morning and we were held up by the Bin Men (mind you they are probably called Refuse Collection Officers or something like that) and to a man they were all weedy individuals. All the bins now days have wheels, and even when they get it to the lorry, they simply push a button and it’s lifted automatically and emptied.

It’s a shocking state of affairs. Darwin will be turning in his grave. What happens when technology lets them down? How will they be able to cope without the muscular skeleton capable of great feats of strength?

It’s the children I feel sorry for now, for all the bin men have left is the smell!

All I want is a Hand Held Vacuum

Right all I want is a hand held vacuum to clean the car etc that’s it. However living on The Rock makes it impossible. I have researched and found this to be the best model the Black & Decker VH780 it also has the added value of being able to inflate which is handy when guest stay and we need the airbed.
Right, so that is the hard part over, the research and reading reviews, now the easy bit of buying it.
Looking on the B&D site the only local store is B&Q. However a visit to the store and website shows they don’t sell them. Never mind I’ll try the Isle of Man Shopping portal. No such luck as I couldn’t find it in Google (well not on the first 5 pages).
Right, let’s try Google Products or Pricerunner (my favourite): Success I’ve found 4 places that sell it. No let’s just sign up to the websites and go through the shopping cart….. HANG ON!!!!
UK mainland Delivery is £5 and they want £25 to the Isle of Man…. That’s 80% of the cost of the item….
Why can’t Play.com sell everything? They manage to get 37” LCD TV’s to my door for NO delivery..
Fookers the lot of them!

Doing The End 2 End In Style

Because when you're one of the Manx Lads riding from one end of the Island to the other isn't challenge enough, you have to do it 1 handed whilst holding your breath!



Well done Mikey!

Providing Some Balance

So that last post may come across as being a bit harsh. It might be harsh but it's also true. A lot of people just aren't suited to University or even the sort of high paying jobs that they dream of post university. Get over it, I wish the Government would and maybe cut back on some of the money being spent on sending people away to go on the piss for 3 years!

Saying that I do actually feel sorry for those looking for work now. We've had it drummed into us for 15 years that if you're not at Uni you're a nobody. Normal jobs are for scum. Even your average school leaver with half a dozen GCSEs expects to walk into a bank job on £15k+ a year. They've never heard that all work is honorable and there's no way they'll go looking down the ladder at the type of jobs that are still available. So you end up in a situation where the job centre is advertising hundreds of jobs, there are hundreds of people on job seekers and yet there's no movement.

Then again I don't feel as sorry for them as I do the generation that is to come in another 4 or 5 years. Just wait until the recession that we've borrowed outselves out of now really hits in a few years time :(

Didn't Get The A Level Results You Wanted?

Well I guess you either didn't try hard enough or you've simply not got the brains? Shit happens, not everybody is suited to study. If you've screwed up your A-levels chances are that if you go to Uni you'll screw up there as well, pissing away even more tax payers money. So for christs sake please stop dreaming of University and instead start thinking about trying to get a fucking job! Thankyou.

Anybody who thinks....

...that the Isle of Man is immune to the financial problems gripping the world right now really should go and check out the queue outside Markwell House at 9 o'clock on a Monday morning.

I remember when the queue was 2 people sat on the bench, I think that's what they were waiting for anyway. It seems to be getting longer every week.

I Didn't Know The Isle of Man Had A Post Code Lottery

But it seems like it does when it comes to broadband (that old chestnut again!) I have ranted long and hard about how crap our broadband speed is. Well it seems as though Manx Telecom decided to do something about it, they've put in a rIsam no more than a mile from our house. We should be getting at least 4-5 meg now.

If only things were as simple as that heh. You see we live on the outskirts of a council estate, in a privately owned house (as if it matters). On the other side of the council estate is a large estate of 4-5 bedroom private houses - Farmhill. Think doctors and advocates. This is where they've located the rISAM. I've just heard back this minute that only certain circuits are eligible to go on the new rISAM, see if you can guess? Yep, only those living in their big houses in Farmhill. Everybody else gets to enjoy their fucking shit broadband for a bit longer. It's good to know that the class system is still alive and well on the Isle of Man.

Why does this bother me? Because I know a few people who live in Farmhill and know for a fact that their broadband speed was already quicker than ours before the rISAM was put in. Once again Manx Telecom, priorities you bunch of dickheads.

Here's a recent report on the UK's broadband speeds:-
UK ISP Review

I currently pay £28 a month for an 8 Mb service that delivers at less than 2Mb, much much worse than even the worst UK ISP. Nice.

Jeremy Paxman - What A Cunt

I don't normally watch News Night but stumbled across it yesterday. Can anybody explain why the BBC is still giving this fuckwit our license money?

He was doing a piece on Afghanistan, they had various experts including somebody from the Afghan foreign ministry, an ex commander etc etc It would have been quite interesting as well if only after asking a question JP would let the fucking EXPERTS answer it without braying and naying like some sort of demented sheepgoat. We'd like to hear their opinions without you shouting "no no no" every 30 seconds, please please please will somebody just hit him the next time he insists on rudely interrupting and answering his own question?

25th June 2009 - A day we'll never forget

I doubt anyone could have missed the Media Circus that started late yesterday?

Farrah Fawcett, one of Charlies angels and (more importantly) ex-wife of the Bionic Man himself has died. I think this will put into perspective exactly what six million dollars will buy.

RIP Farrah (so famous they named Jeans after her).

It's a bitter pill to swallow, especially as it follows so soon after the death of Elvis 'Aaron' Presley.

When will they finally make death illegal?!

God Bless our Celebrities - every single one.

Recommended On The Isle Of Man

As anybody who as ever read more than two of my posts could figure out I'm a right whinging bastard. That's certainly how it comes across anyway. In reality I like to think of it more like I'm a very simple person. ALL I ever want is the path of least resistance - I want people to do what they say they are going to do at the price they say they are going to do it. Anyhoo, this doesn't seem to go down very well on the rock - as our attempts at finding a plumber this week have born out - so I figured what the hell, why not start a list of companies that meet my ever so stringent standards (i.e. they do what they say at an agreed price). So here you go, for the benefit of the other Manx Lads and the 3 other regular readers we have the beginning of the "Recommended On The Isle of Man" list (please feel free to add your own) -

ISPs
WiManx - Why? Because they are cheaper than Manx Telecom, they don't throttle your bandwidth, a free static IP and most importantly their support team respond.

Plumbers
A to Z Plumbing - Why? Fuck me, a plumber that turns up on the day they said they would (they same day we phoned them). Were willing to buy what we needed from the merchants and take away our old one. Came and fitted a new toilet (no not a whole new bathroom) in an hour. No leaks, no fuss, no need to get them back. 100% the opposite of every other plumber I've dealt with.

Action Services - Wanted our old back boiler replacing and a new condensing combi boiler fitted. Gave Steve a call, he came around priced the job, gave recommendations for where best to put things and then arranged a date to have it done. Date came, work started, 2 days later we had a new boiler with no hassles or problems and cheaper than the couple of other quotes we got.

Painters & Decorators
DP Cowley Painters & Decorators - After looking at the same wallpaper for 10 years it was time for the living and dining rooms to get decorated. I don't do wallpaper. Got quotes and were frankly fucked about from asshole to breakfast time with what they would and wouldn't do (I did a post on this somewhere) Contacted DP Cowley, Paul arrived on time to do the quote, gave us the quote in writing the next day, was happy to do or arrange everything (yes including removing the radiators), was honest about when he could start the job (i.e. no false promises), arrived on time, cleaned up after themselves and then most importantly the finish we got was better than anything we could have possibly hoped for.

Manx Telecom Customer Service - Why Bother?

The old broadband whinge, it's coming back again. I see that Manx Telecom are upgrading the network to ADSL2, those in the south of the Island already have it and the roll out will cover Peel, Ramsey etc soon enough.

Me? Oh no I'm still on a connection that is under 2 meg, certainly not the 6 my brother who lives in the middle of nowhere (aren't remote ISAMs great?) gets or for that matter the 7-8 meg that most of my friends get. Still pay the same though.

It's not like I live out in the sticks either, Douglas post code, Douglas rates, we live in Douglas. I'd prefer not to but that’s a different rant. Even worse we probably live in one of the most densely populated parts of Douglas and yet our broadband service is utter shit. I've contacted Manx Telecom loads of times about this and I know for a fact lots of other people around here have to. This isn't my whinge, it's a whinge from a lot of people living in a built up area, in the capital, that believe their broadband speed should be equivalent to the rest of the island. It's always the same answer from Manx Telecom, nothing they can do (they can't justify putting in a remote ISAM, even though it would service the needs of far more people than the current remotes). But I suppose we should just be grateful to have some sort of working broadband, tough shit that you're paying the best part of £30 a month for crap all.

When the new ADSL2 finally hits Douglas (we will be last, we're always last) mine will top out at about 3.5 meg. Awesome. I'll still be paying the same as the rest of the island though the majority of which are averaging between 10 and 12 meg. So please Manx Telecom you monopolising bastards, would it not make sense to provide some level of reasonable service to ALL your customers before splashing the money on upgrading those that currently get the most anyway?

Venda On The Isle of Man - A Rant

I was going to sign up and post this over at Manx Forums but I figure what the hell, why waste good content on a website I don't own? (It's the little details that make the difference between a successful website and one with no traffic ;))

It seems that sarcasm is well above some people and that this little post was taken literally. I thought the give away would have been the suggestion that a bunch of Manx retailers group together to take on Amazon. Nobody see the sarcasm in that? I guess not because my little rantings and ravings have somehow been taken very seriously and been presented in a way to defend the whole Venda situation.

So just to clear things up for those that are not technically minded here's some straight forward opinion about the whole Venda on the Isle of Man situation.

What is Venda? It's a hosted service that lets you easily build shopping websites. Each website is hosted by Venda and for this you pay them money. Simple as that.

Is Venda unique? Absolutely not. There are literally hundreds of competitors for what Venda offers. Some hosted, some you can install on your own server. Some cost money but many are free. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED VENDA HAVE NO USP.

Could local IT suppliers offer what Venda offers? There is no need for them to. Web applications are easy peasy to program, any developer worth his salt could knock out a shopping based CMS but why bother? Why re-invent the wheel when there are so many free or cheap (globally recognised and top of their game) systems out there that can easily be altered to suit any retailers requirements. Plug this into a rich content website and you stand a chance. Every Manx web company can or should be able to easily do this.

Will Venda make Manx retailers more money? I doubt it. Having a website that creates a profit requires so much much than just chucking a shopping site on the web. The retailers will need the support of experts in the field of internet marketing to stand any chance online. In that regard Venda is simply an added expense with no ROI. Hosting doesn't cost £50 a month.

Was I impressed with what I saw in the backend of Venda? Not really. The only bit I liked was the template wizard, but they are 10 a penny these days anyway. The most alarming side was the complete lack of integration in the stock management side. Retailers will sign up on the promise of the all-in-one hands off Venda solution and end up spending hours dicking around with spreadsheets. The presentation I witnessed made a strong point of emphasising the SEO benefits of Venda and yet when I searched for the clients website they were using as an example using some popular target phrases they were nowhere to be found. Submitting a sitemap doesn't cut it I'm afraid.

Could this be done better? Absolutely. I have no invested interest in this at all. I'd certainly not be bidding on the work, screw that. But there is a chance here to create an optimised, working community of websites for small retailers on the Isle of Man. It could be done with a fraction of the money the DTI are about to give Venda. Use the money and give it to local IT companies so that the retailers can have their websites not only setup but also marketed and managed for them. Any IT companies not up to the task or any retailers whose products aren't a success online get pulled. Not all websites are profitable - fact. Use the resources of the Isle of Man, use various web developers, various hosting companies (with different IP's, not all stuck under Venda) and knit it altogether in an online community that leverages the links and traffic in the best possible way. This is how networks of related websites naturally grow on the web and this is what is needed to ensure traffic for the retailer’s shops.

So does that clear things up? I see Venda as nothing but a huge waste of money brought on by a clever sales pitch and the usual government consultants throwing opinions around on things that they don't have the first bloody clue about. Also see the need to upgrade to Vista and the cutting edge accounting system sold on the basis that "it works like Excel" as further examples. The end.

Perspective

I can't really remember us losing our own home and moving into a council house, I was too young.

I can remember us buying the second hand Talbot Sunbeam, I think it cost £900. I certainly remember the sacrifices that had to be made to afford it.

I can remember the regular visits by the catalogue person, just about everything we owned was paid for on the drip from the catalogue.

I remember our first and only family holiday. A week in the Butlins park at Pwllheli, Wales.

I remember my dad holding down 3 jobs, us hardly seeing him except when on his 9 days and I suppose what it eventually did to my mum and dad.

I remember the guilt of going away with the school when I was 11 and just how much it cost.

I can remember my dad’s dream of owning a "decent" boat. By decent I think he meant one with a cabin. The excitement when the bank said he could borrow the money, all £1500 of it. It was paid back at £80 a month if I remember correctly.

I remember the company I worked for going tits up a matter of months before I was due to get married. Of being out of work without a penny to my name and if truth be told – without a care in the world deep in the belief that it would sort itself out.

As I sit here now in front of 5 grand’s plus worth of computer equipment, in the house my wife and I own where I work, creating content for my own business where I choose what hours I do and don't want to work, I feel like a right selfish prick. Why? Because the only thing in life I've got to worry about is the fact I know my reserves are going to dip below 12 months of salary in the next few months - and it's giving me sleepless nights. I was brought up during the eighties when nobody really had much, but I can never remember my mum and dad having sleepless nights or freak outs over money. Note to self - get a fucking grip fella.

Great White Shark vs Killer Whale, Who Would Win In A Fight?

When not pondering what makes the world go around these are the things I like to occupy my mind with. You can't beat a good old animal fight.

In the red corner we have the Great White shark. As far as sharks with teeth go it's a true heavyweight but when you compare it to the Killer Whale it's probably more a super-middle. Full of teeth and aggression, grrrrrrrrrr!!! In the blue corner we have the somewhat girly looking and placid Killer Whale. It's only when you go further than skin deep though that the real potential winner in this fight shows up. In terms of speed, power, agility and probably most importantly intelligence the Killer Whale has it hands down. The only possible doubt in this fight being the Killer Whale’s nature, or what we perceive to be its nature. You know it's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog and all that? Still if I was a betting man I'd put my fiver on the Killer Whale every time. This video backs that up:-



This whale is known as CA2, not much of a name but you obviously do not try and steal her chips cheese and gravy! And we thought cows were dangerous.

How Wrong Was I About Venda?!

Having seen the guts of the system - wow wee, she's a beauty! Does the lot, I'd definitely use it for my online store. Maybe the Manx retailers could group together and by the power of Venda challenge Amazon for that number 1 e-tailer spot, I reckon it could happen.

When Governments Go Wrong

What's £300,000 between friends? I suppose when it comes to government spending it's bugger all, especially on the IOM. That's the amount the DTI are willing to spend of our money on providing local retailers with a web presence. They've gone with an off-island supplier so in a creative double whammy not only are they chucking 300 grand of tax payers money off island but are also taking away business from the local website designers at a time when they need the business most. I'm not a website designer by the way, I don't do clients - well except the very privileged :)

What really really fucks me off about this more than anything else though is who made the decision to go with Venda? What qualifications do they have to justify making an educated decision on an ecommerce supplier? I'm going to talk about 1 aspect, the 1 I know best, SEO. Search Engine Optimisation, the Venda product has been sold to the IOM Government I'm guessing on the basis that is will provide excellent search engine visibility to the local retailers. My entire living is based on search engine traffic, if my websites don't get traffic then I don't make a penny. The mortgage doesn't get paid, food doesn't get bought etc etc It's an ass twitching industry. I guess that makes me qualified to at least have an opinion?

My opinion on Venda for SEO, it's shit. The first alarm bell is something that takes 5 seconds to figure out. Do a Google search for "ecommerce solution" (their primary keyword target) how far do you have to go down the results until you find Venda? I gave up at page 7. IF they can't rank their own website then they sure as hell can't guarantee great search exposure for the retailers. Maybe I'm wrong though? The next thing to do is to have a look at their existing clients - I'll pick 2 at random, Superdrug and Arsenal Football Club.

This is really basic stuff for anybody sourcing a website supplier, lets have a look at the source for the web pages created by Venda for these big name clients. I know that 85% of search ranking will be dependent on the link profile of the websites but if the on-the-page stuff isn't correct then no amount of links will compensate. Any CMS needs to create search friendly HTML in order to stand a chance. The search engines will punish or even at worse ignore shit. Venda was sold on the basis that it does SEO, let's see?

From extra white space characters in the title tag (enough to break some search robots), descriptions that are far too long, or too short, missing keyword values, duplicate keyword/description values. URL's that don't include the product name, instead using a product ID to the single biggest sin in on-the-page SEO - using the same description across the entire site. If you're not going to create a unique description for each page then don't include one at all! I've spent 5 minutes looking at this across their clients sites and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, they are dishing out some of the most search unfriendly websites that I've seen from any CMS. And we're going to give them £300,000 for this?! If their clients rank it's only because of their branding and the natural links that it attracts. Manx retailers will not enjoy that branding power.

If they've bullshitted on 1 aspect of their sales pitch then what about the others? They may be big, they may be well known, they are also very over priced for what they do and just love public sector money. Local retailers are going to sign up for this (subsidised by you and me) and expect to find their products online through the search engines, it's not going to happen. Don't believe me? Do a Google search for Arsenal shirt (that's gotta be the most popular term in terms of traffic for the Arsenal store?) and see where the official Arsenal store powered by Venda appears?

In 6 months time it's going to be another 300 grand down the drain and nobody ever mentions it ever again. So who made the decision, and how were they qualified to make it? More importantly why didn't they ask me, I would have at least gave them an idea of what they should be looking for, for free.

Super League: Super Fans

I’ve just spent the weekend @ the Super League Road show event: Murrayfield Magic in Edinburgh and what a fabulous weekend it was. All 14 Super League teams play over the 2 days, so from £12.50 you get to see 7 matches.

The atmosphere was brilliant with loads of people in fancy dress and having a laugh and of course a few beers. It was great to see 14 different sets of supports all mingling and joking about each other’s teams. Then when the matches started they would all run back to the stands, often sitting next to each cheers cheering and booing side by side. Then back to the beer tent to top up on alcohol and rib each other about the match.

It just felt good to be a Rugby Supporter.

Could you imagine if the Premiership did something similar? They would need a separate beer tent for each set of supporters and lines and lines of police between each group. On the whole weekend in Edinburgh I saw TWO coppers, laughing and joking with the crowd…. That is all. Two coppers to police 60,000 supporters….

I love Rugby….

Swine Flu (What Recession?)

This is starting to get on my tits now. Flu kills a percentage of people that get it, fact. That percentage has and will always be higher in third world back waters like Mexico. Here are the symptoms of Swine Flu (from the BBC):-

"Swine flu symptoms are similar to those produced by ordinary seasonal flu - fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, chills and fatigue"

No limbs dropping off, no spewing blood, no eyes seeping black pus? IT'S JUST PLAIN OLD NORMAL FUCKING FLU! Only a tiny percentage get seriously ill from it, even fewer drop dead. Chances are we will all get it at one point or another, thanks to modern living standards a tiny, tiny, tiny percentage will die. Some people will probably die in the UK from it, then again some people died from flu last year, and the year before. The media are cunts.

But in the mean time we can all panic about something new and completely forget that the elected fuck wits of the world have fucked us over and plummeted us into financial meltdown.

People in third world countries need to worry about Swine Flu, the rest of us have got other things to worry about.

The Joy of Self Employment

There is one thing that I couldn’t live without – and therefore why I wouldn’t consider working for “the man”.

Singing. I love singing.

Currently, I’m bellowing out Star People (George Michael). And I mean bellowing. Not like that half-hearted mumbling I did at my last job (sorry to all the staff there).

Closely followed by:
Michael Buble – It had better be tonight
Take That – Shine
Bobby Darin - Mac the Knife
Etc.

In fact, I have an actual Playlist called “Singers” which contains all the songs I THINK I can sing. And who cares if I can’t. I’m in a converted attic in a Victorian house with 3 foot thick walls and all the neighbours are out, working for “the man”.

I think I’ll add REM – Losing My Religion – I bet I can sing that.

M.

p.s. Praying for Time – another Georgie Michael tunette just started! I might have to stand up for this one. And then I'm gonna put some clothes on.

UK Budget - An Advert For The Isle of Man

As anybody who knows me will tell you, I'm no huge fan of the Isle of Man, well that's not fair exactly, it's not the island as a whole that I don't like, rather just the moronic imbreds that have positioned themselves in power via the old boys club. Anyhoo, it's not like me to big up the place but having just watched the UK budget I feel like I've got to do my part.

If You Earn More Than £150,000 A Year You Must Move To The Isle of Man!

I'm being serious. The UK budget sees a 50% tax being levied on those that earn more than £150k a year, can you believe that? Before you even get started with NI or VAT (or simply just plain old living) you get to hand over half of your wages to the tax man. Fuck that. That's knocking on the door of communism.

I'm in the lucky position of working for myself so I have some understating of what it takes to start a business from the ground up. I'm not in the UK and I certainly don't earn more than £150k a year so I'm not being biased here. It takes a shit load of work, commitment and sacrifice. Behind every successful business there is a story - usually involving struggle. Labour have decided to ignore that. They have worked on the assumption that everybody earning over 150 grand a year is unworthy of it and should have it taken from them immediately. What about the people who have spent 8 years studying law? Those that have spent 12 years training as surgeons? You fuck them and the entrepreneurs, business owners, risk takers over in order to make life better (the truth as they shall will be in the pudding of this) for the people happy enough to plod along in life. The western capitalist world is based on a notion of risk and reward, sure it can get out of hand but it is based on the idea of free will, we all set our own levels of risk that we are willing to accept. To punish those that succeed (and at the same time bring about the opportunities for those that prefer the easy life) is fucking stupidity of the highest order.

What incentive is there to run a business in the UK? What incentive is there to push yourself harder, to work harder for that pay rise? £150k a year is not a ridiculous amount to earn, not when you consider that any old shit for brains with a GCSE C in English can easily earn £30k plus in the Civil Service. The majority of the people earning big bucks in the private sector have earnt it, they bring value, if they didn't they soon get let go. Of course there is the odd piss taker, the recent economic crisis has taught us that, but they are the con men, the dirty salesmen, they are the minority not the majority of high earners.

So this is why I'd suggest anybody running a business or earning more than £150,000 seriously consider relocating to the Isle of Man. Besides the superb quality of life we enjoy our upper personal tax rate is 18%, not 50%, 18%. On top of this there is a tax cap of £100,000 in place meaning that you will not pay more than £100,000 in personal income tax. Just think of the savings for a minute. I'm not going to go into the various advantages of running your business here, that's perhaps a post for somebody from the DTI to make.

The Isle of Man government has tried to attract exactly the sort of people that the UK seems determined to punish for a while now with not much success. This budget may well provide the Isle of Man with the influx of creative, intelligent businessmen and women which it craves.

Twazmuppet

And so what is a twazmuppet? Glad you asked! First, you take a large banking corporation (such as the Royal Bank of Scotland), then, with cutting edge idealism that you learnt in your youth (the 50's were such a good era), burden said corporation with ridiculous loss-making purchases (don't worry - accountants count debt as a good thing! All those creditors look good on the balance sheet) and gather amongst yourselves a droneful of yes-men to your board and switch to smug-mode as the economy soars!

Whatever you do - jump ship before any economic wobble - or else a plummet in share price will follow and you'll look a right twazmuppet. But don't worry - with the right exit strategy you'll land yourself a sweet, sweet pension deal and probably some sort of golden parachute leaving bonus.

Good News For The Isle of Man

Woo hoo, we are a white tax haven! Maybe to mark this we should rename the Isle of Man the Isle of Wh.... oh hang on a minute.

Here's my uneducated take on things. We managed to avoid a OECD tax haven black list that ONLY has 4 countries on it, Costa Rica, Malaysia, the Phillipines and Uruguay. Notice that none of them seem to have any real connections with the major world players? I wonder what you have to do to get on that list?! hmm

Everybody else has been bunged into 2 lists, a white list and a grey list. The Isle of Man is in the whitelist so what does that mean for us? Actually bugger all, there is no reward for being white instead of grey. We do not get a Brucie Bonus. The only difference is that we have implemented some stuff for information sharing instead of "committing" too. We have been very busy running around kissing asses. So if you're a wealthy ex-pat looking for somewhere to LEGALLY put your money you have a choice between the Isle of Man (who will squuueeeaaalll your details at first asking) or a nice "grey" tax haven that is treated the same as the Isle of Man but won't be so obliged to share your details with every Tom, Dick and Harry that asks. Now where would you put your money?

I reckon this bit of free marketing is going to do wonders for Costa Rica, Malaysia, the Phillipines and Uruguay (cos there will always be a black market). The countries on the grey list will probably do OK out of it as well. The tax havens on the white list - not really much of an incentive to use them now is there?

Best April Fool So Far

Has to be some sour faced bint by the name of the Badger on GMTV preaching to the new hoard of recently scrapped dole-ites. Her top tip:-

If you want your CV to stand out from the crowd, use coloured paper!

Genius I tell ya!

I also have some tips to add to Ruth's expertise:-

1. Use a different font for every line of your CV
2. Headers need to be BIG, anything over 80pt preferably
3. If after all the above your CV still doesn't stand out enough for your liking consider drawing small shapes like stars, butterflies and houses in the corners (and trees, everybody loves trees)

Un-Fucking Believable

A pay rise is not your right, you should ONLY get extra pay for WORKING HARDER.

Private Sector - Unemployment Up

Public Sector - Pay Up

But is was a 3 year deal? Fuck that, when a "fixed" deal goes against the employee's side all hell breaks lose in order to have some work around sorted out to give them more. The employer's side (that is supposed to represent tax payers) will just pay up without a grumble. That deal can now be quoted by every other public sector group in pay negotiations - public sector pay just goes up and up whilst the mugs paying for it scramble around shitting their knickers over just keeping their job.

In other related news a private care home in Peel have told staff that their hours are being cut, it's either that or some staff are let go. When will the dickheads in charge of running this island come down from their ever so high fucking high horses and take a little look-see in to the real world?

All Aboard The Gravy Train

The Four Cats


Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."


Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.



Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."


Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.


Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"



The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."



CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......







Ate the cookies........



Drank the milk.......


Sh*t on the paper.......






Screwed the other three cats.......


Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......



Put in for Workers Compensation...............and



Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............






AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

As _____ As A Witches Tit

It's something my dad used to say but I can't remember what the hell the blank was, any ideas? What exactly could a witches tit be?

Why Do We Put Up With Our Banks?

There are 2 things that can really piss me off, 1 is being treated like a dip shit, the other is being lied to because you think I'm a dip shit.

Mrs B has had a problem with her bank account lately, it's a long story but the short version is it got blocked for security reasons. The first part her fault for not remembering her memorable words (doh!) the second part not her fault because the muppet in the call centre blocked the account after only 2 security questions 1 of which shouldn't have been asked. Then to make thing worse when she went in a month ago to get the info she was originally after they assured her the account was unblocked. Yesterday it turns out they lied.

So I decided to go with her to the bank today and get it sorted out, morale support. I was quite happy to let Mrs B do the talking and sit their quietly, right up to the point where the highly trained personal banker came out with the old "it's for your own good" spiel. I've worked in enough banks to know that it's fairly standard that no matter what the circumstances under which an account is blocked you must always tell the customer that it's for their own good. In this case it wasn't for Mrs B's own good at all.

Thinking enough was enough I decided to chip in. Mrs B had been very humble in explaining what had gone on and was just looking for an explanation on why the account was blocked without having been asked the 3 security questions and why wasn't the account unblocked when they said it was. It had caused a lot of inconvenience. Personal banker had got very defensive with a pinch of patronisation thrown in for good measure. So I asked about the second security question Mrs B had been asked. It was about the last transaction on our joint account. That's an impossible question to answer cos there's no way you can know what the other signatories on an account have done today/yesterday. You might as well ask when was the last time your partner farted? They are supposed to ask about the last transactions YOU did. Big difference. They are trying to identify you. Personal banker would not have it, defended the banks stance that they can ask whatever they like about any account they like for a security question. What she was actually doing was lying. Treating us as stupid people and fobbing us of with lies. I wouldn't leave it and eventually after much goading she slipped, only to back track as quickly. So I picked on the fact that Mrs B wasn't asked 3 security questions. She lied again. They can block an account anytime they like, they say it will only happen after 3 questions but they can do whenever they like. That's not right,it shouldn't happen - I just phoned the call centre to confirm that's not their policy, nor is saying you unblocked an account when you haven't.

Why lie about this shit? It's partly Mrs B's fault for forgetting stuff, fair enough, but it's also the banks fault for not going through with their own security procedures. Somebody deviated from the script and mistakenly asked an impossible security question and then blocked an account when they shouldn't have. The call centre monkey screwed up, that's all. It caused inconvenience to a customer. All you need to do is apologise on behalf of your colleague, unblock the account and the jobs a good un. Why start trying to defend a mistake by acting like a big shot and lying? It's about time that personal bankers were taught to think for themselves and have the stock answers taken away. A tiny bit of humbleness and customer service ability would have gone a long way in sorting this out. You'd think with all the crap going on in banking at the moment that customer service would be seen as being quite important?

When I was a wage slave there were tonnes of times where I've had to apologise for somebody else's mistakes, it's just part of working for big companies. Don't know what it is with UK banks and a lot of their staff but they seem incapable of grasping it. In my overly long and not remotely illustrious finance career I'd worked in enough banks and dealt with them day in and day out to know the score. It was always the UK banks that had problems with bullshit. I used to dread phoning them, I still hate dealing with them today. It's why the first thing I do with a new bank account is setup Internet banking. What is it with the lies and bullshit people?