True Story

I was working in this really shitty, boring, barely more than minimum wage office job once when it quickly became fairly obvious that the facilities weren't exactly up to much. The lighting was crap for computer work, the computers were crap for computer work but worst of all the chairs were falling apart. They literally had their backs hanging off (you could spin them 360 degrees) and no arm/side supports. Within that month my back was just getting worse and worse.

I did raise it as a problem with management (and in fact swapped my better chair with somebody who was suffering more from theirs) but when there's no money there's no money. Tough shit, what you gonna do? Of course at this point I could have went to the doctors and got signed off but instead I thought it would be much easier (not to mention better for my long term health) to just go and buy one for £60. Worked a treat.

6 months later I left because of the lighting affecting my eyes, I draw the line at paying for that. I had no job to go to but I'd rather be unemployed and skint than risk long term eye problems. It was my personal choice to be there and when I decided enough was enough I was free to move on. I did leave them my nice chair. The point? I'm so fucking glad we live in a country where people are free to come and go as they like, there are so many places in the world where you can't just say "fuck this for a laugh I'll do something else". Yet so many people with this freedom shy away from using it opting for the bitching, whinging, somebody else is to blame approach instead.

Cost Of Living

I'm feeling inspired by this post and this comment in particular "also - your electricity and gas figure looks very high." (I've just paid our gas and electricity bills)

So here is our monthly figures for roughly the equivalent:-

Rent/Mortgage: 470*
Electricity and Gas: 214
Water: 22.50
TV and Broadband (inc Telephone): 97
Council Tax/Rates: 45
Contents Insurance: 5
TV Licence: 12**
Train to work: 0
Car Insurance: 20
Car Tax: 26
MOT: 0
Mobile: 35
Petrol: 50
Union: 0

* Our mortgage is so low because it's nearly paid off. The average house price over here is still around £210000 with the average mortgage around 150,000+ A 1 bedroom flat will cost you £500+ a month rent
** Think, can't actually remember how much the license is, is it still about £145?

This is of course between 2 people in our ickle first time buyer house and there's probably loads of stuff I've forgot. I think it's enough to get the gist about just how expensive your basic heat and water services are living on this rock though? I'm definitely being conservative with the petrol figure as well. Add on your basic food stuffs like a loaf of bread costing £1.30+ and milk at close to 60p a pint and all of a sudden the true cost of "low tax" becomes apparent.

These are just our figures and I'm tight as a ducks ass under water. I'd hate to think what the other lads spend with their glorified mansions (some even have 2 toilets!)

Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby

Spent most of the weekend looking at this little face.



Not a bad way to spend the weekend then :)

Babies

They cry a lot don't they?

Old and Knackered

I'm pretty fit at the moment; I work out most days. My weight is down and I eat pretty healthily. I don't drink, smoke or dress up as a lady (any more).

So why-oh-why do I wake up feeling absolutely knackered every single day with aches and pains from my shins to my asshole to my brain?

Oh yeah - coz I'm old.

Is this all I have to look forward to? Feeling progressively more like shit until eventually one of those pains is the one that kills me?

God is a wanker.

Thank feck for the Japanese Tsunami

Really.

All the media had to talk about was the Libya 'crises' - as if we all ever gave a crap. The whole of the middle east is going through unrest - and Libya are having a civil war at the moment. Good for them - but really, talk about the No-Fly zones to protect the innocent civilians? What cobblers. Impractical and unworthy. So a couple of BBC journalists get threatened - idiots. And the media keep asking Politicians 'how are we able to stand by while innocent people get attacked'? Two words. Lockerbie Bomber.

So now the dreadful scenes of carnage and devastation and live footage of cars getting swamped by the Tsunami wave have saved us from the incessant hyped frenzy of media driven outrage over Libya. The media were literally egging us on to War. Like the gobby schoolkid on the outskirts of the playground, taunting the bigger kid to hit the little kid.

Fuck em all.

I was stood in the carpark at Tokyo Disneyland - where it's now all under water. And the horrifying scenes of the wave, sluggish and relentless, and seeing the people (often unaware on the other side of buildings) amble about. First they witness, then they run. Very scary.

No Expense Spared

Would it be too much to ask for you cunts to stop with the whole "look how important we are" shit and actually start saving some fucking money? Yes, I suppose it would.

Charlie Sheen is Ace

C'mon! What a star. Please - someone pair him up with Mel Gibson in a buddy-cop movie based in Las Vegas. A warlock? Puh-lease - it's great stuff. He will be sharing his Dungeon & Dragons characters with the world next, whipping out his vorpal sword and yelling 'Take that you fiend' to the next worm he finds.

Business Ideas

A lot of the ideas I have are shit. I'll plug away for a while but eventually it becomes obvious that it's just not a goer. My work requires me to have lots of ideas so the fact that so many are shit is of little concern to me. Why?

Because every now and then one of my ideas turns out to be genius. About 8 weeks ago I had one such idea. 7 weeks of hard work later and yesterday it made its first money. Today it has made more money than yesterday. By the end of this month I "should" have recovered most of my costs. By the end of next month I'll be sat on another 90% passive gold mine.

It's going to be another good month :)

Shouldn’t be allowed!

Do you know what shouldn’t be allowed? I’ll tell you what: microwave kebabs…

I don’t know where to start. Firstly they look nothing like the picture on the box, no lettuce or tomato. In fact they don’t even look edible when you unpackage them, and you should always go with your first feeling.

But someone had given them to me and I wasn’t going to throw food out!

Anyway, don’t touch them. The Pitta is like concrete when it comes out of the microwave. As for the meat. Well even in proper shop kebab shops the meat is questionable, but imagine when it’s all put together behind closed doors… seriously I have never tasted anything like it.

So in short. Microwave kebabs… NO!

(I won’t even mention what it’s done to my bowel movements..)

It's Not A Problem, It's An Opportunity

Just one of the many differences between men and women.

When our tumble dryer broke my first thoughts were:-

"Not another fucking thing breaking"
"More bloody expense"
"Time to cut back on some other stuff"

In that order.

The wifes first thought:-

"If we're going to get a new tumble dryer we might as well get a new microwave as well, one of those nice silver ones..........oh and have you seen this cruise brochure?"

They are coming today (that'll be tumble dryer + microwave).

The path of least resistance my friend, always the path of least resistance.

Not Right

Day 4 and the hangover is still there pounding my head into the ground, it is getting better but put it this way, I wouldn't be back at work yet if I had to be. That's not good.

I enjoy a beer as much as anybody but without any notion of when enough is enough is it really worth the suffering?

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(I can only imagine how bad things would be if the bar would have had Tequila)

Fooked

Redundency For Dummies.

Private Sector - Net contributor to government coffers turns into a net drain on government coffers. Overall effect on government finances, negative.

Public Sector - Net drain on government coffers becomes less of a net drain on government coffers. Overall effect on government finances, positive.

Redundency in private sector = an every day regular occurence with no government interest i.e. shit happens.

Redundency in public sector = only when fucking hell freezes over

22 fucking jobs out of over 8,000. 22! Redundency is shit, I can speak from personal experience (as can the rest of the manx lads) but for fucks sake you get over it, it's not the end of the world, it's not like there is even a shortage of private sector employment over here.

The Perfect Storm

What is it they say: it's all in the ... timing!

Well there are 18 separate matches on TV this weekend, and that's not including 7 hours of IRB Sevens from Las Vegas.

And what do I choose to do? Take the wife away for a romantic break!

If it was raining soup, I'd have a fork.

Monopoly

Manx Telecom are about to up their fixed line rental charge by about 10% (they don't actually tell you this in their literature, prefering to mention the actual cost increase amount, doesn't sound so bad that way) so we've decided to shop around and see what offers there are out there.....oh no hang on a minute - they have a fucking monopoly, there is no competition. When they decide to up their price by about 10% it's like it or lump it, tough shit. Why increase line rental and not call charges, in fact they are reducing some call charges? Simple. Nobody uses their home phone anymore, the only reason most people have a fixed line into the house is for internet access. The line rental charge is the only monopoly MT still hold so it's time to rape it for all it's worth before the games up. MT is owned by a Private Equity firm, shock fucking horror.

Oh and Manx Gas have just announced another price hike as well, just 4 months after their last one. We'll shop arou....oh hang on. Yep you guessed it, and owned by another Private Equity firm. What is it about these Private Equity firms and buying up companies that hold monopoly's in small countries. It's almost as if they see them as a an easy opportunity for ringing as much profit from a population as possible. Don't worry, we've got the Government to help us!

Once again, hang on a minute...

Rape Me Big Boy

And Again

Wouldn't a "normal" company be expected to find finance for its own expansion plans?

Anybody might think that all these fucking circle jerk pricks mix in the same social circles and that the island as a whole is corrupt to fuck to the benefit of the few at the expense of the average working person? Not that I'd ever suggest that of course.

Or maybe living is just getting more expensive.

5 Crap Things About Your Kids Growing Up

5. No more drinking at weekends. One of life's little joys for the working masses is to be able to chillax at the end of the working week. Not so when your kids reach their teens. There's always something on that either needs you to stay sober that night (Sleeepppooovveeerrr!) or you to drive the next day (Hobbies, trips to the shops, picking up from friends sleepovers etc etc). Any alcohol either at home or in the pub is a bad idea, you've always got to be on call (Yes, you really are still over the limit the next day after your bottles of wine!). Instead of drinking on a Friday or Saturday you'll switch to odd nights out during the week (when of course there is no other fucker out and everywhere shuts early) and let work cop the hangover the next day. On the rare occasion you do get out at the weekend gate fever takes over and 2 hours in you're so fucked up you can barely string 3 words together. The end result of this is total separation from your weekend drinking friends who you grew up with. Like taxes and death, this is inevitable.

4. The bathroom. Forget about ever having anymore time in the bathroom than it takes to have a quick shit or an in-and-out shower. If they're not camped in there for hours on end you can be sure that one of their friends will be. Not so bad if you have a couple of bathrooms but when you are poor like us it comes down to military precision to find time for a relaxing dump.

3. Finding the right group. As they get older it becomes more and more likely that the friends they have will have some influence over them in later life. Kids go from being friends with everybody in their class to finding themselves a nice group. On one hand you don't want your kids in the overly restricted "parents won't let them out of their site" freaks group, nor do you want them in the chavvy as fuck, out drinking every night, pregnant by 16 scummers. There are a whole variety of "normal" groups in-between but the likely hood is you'll find yourself aiming for one of the upper end groups and doing a lot more housework (what weekends) and a hell of a lot of running around.

2. Forget Facebook. Not an entirely bad thing this anyway but it runs much deeper than just Facebook. Everybody knows that parents have duel personalities, the person they really are and the person they choose for their kids to see. As the kids get older they want to use Facebook and before you know it, bham, you've got a friend request from your sprogs. Accept it and at this point forget ever being able to be yourself online again (well until they hit 18 and piss off). You are now a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 100% accountable for everything you post, everybody you friend, every comment you pass parent. You stop being Fred Smith to your mates and start being little Timmy's dad. This is not helped by those weird fuckers that insist on tagging photos of your kids as you! Twats.

1. Sleepovers. I can't trawl deep enough through the bowels of my stomach to put into words just how fucking much I hate the continuing insistence on fucking sleepovers. What was once a rare treat is now seen as a every fucking spare* weekend must have. Anybody else notice the numbers growing as well? It started of as having a friend to sleep and it just seems to grow and grow until they can't fit in the bedroom and take over the whole of downstairs. If there's not a gang coming around your house (which requires at least 1 day of cleaning, for girls anyway) you'll get to spend the weekend running yours around and then having to put up with the monged child which results from the fook all sleep kids get at sleepovers. I'm not even going into the expense of providing suitable meal options to suite everybody's tastes, well you can't have them having cereal for breakfast like what you do 99% of the time? I honestly just can't understand it, my parents would of quite rightly told me to piss off if I insisted on having friends sleeping all the time, especially when those same friends are ONLY seen at sleepovers. It's not even like the kids spend any time with each other when they're not sleeping at each others houses.

*spare means no kids hobbies on, not spare as in you might get some time to yourself.

Now I should probably counter all this by saying you do get the joy of watching your children developing on into the people they are really going to be, the sense of humour, the kindness, the sheer joy of watching them grow up. But balls to it, after yet another 48 hour clean up, totally dry and sleepover ridden weekend I can't bring myself to see the bright side :)

End Of The World

You're in a bar, it's just been announced that the world is going to come to an end in 5 minutes, your lovely life partner is at home and no chance of reaching her, question hot shot, which one of these girls would you get jiggy with/nail/bang?



Just for the record we voted 2 for bottom left and 1 for bottom right (They were playing locally last night)

If anyone mentions the sexist word then think yourselves fucking lucky I never posted the awesome Andy Gray rant I did.

What a Knob

No, seriously what a Knob...

Serious it's not the tax evasion that giving us a bad name, it's pillocks like this bloke Baggs!!

'Baby Doc' Duvalier

While 'Baby Doc' Duvalier is in the news with his return to Haiti (eejit) - I'll take advantage of search traffic and point everyone to Feng Shui Assassin at Smashwords. The baddie in this story (minor spoiler) is 'Papa Doc' Duvalier and his Tonton Macoute (in their weird holistic guises).

Feng Shui Assassin is a free e-book ready for your kindle, sony e-reader or to print out using your works printer. However you want to read it.

In other news - v sad at the bowing out of Mr B. F'sure the death knell for the Manx Lads blog :(

Bowing Out

I'm going to call time on my blogging with the Manx lads. Hope you are listening you lazy bastards, that means one or more of you is going to have to write something every now and then? Come on it's not like anybody around these parts actually does any real work?

Reasons are many and varied but boil down to 2 things.

1. The blog is too well known in local circles, it's a small island, there's no way I can really vent on here without shit hitting the fan in any number of directions (Content from this here blog has actually been read out in our local Parliament, fucking seriously!). Bollocks to it, if I can't rant on here what can I do....yes write about other stuff which leads neatly to point number 2

2. There isn't anything non personal (I can't do personal, see point 1) I can write on here that I don't already have a website covering. When I say website I don't mean some half arsed Blogger blog. At the very worst I mean a grown up self hosted wordpress install, at the best I'm talking about something hand built with no more than Notepad, Photoshop and a whole lotta lurve. More to the point though these websites are my living and they demand content. That's the other strange thing, if you are clever enough to follow some of the blog links up there on the right of this page you'll find some amazingly well written, witty blogs. Go on, do it! Compared to those my brain fart ramblings seem insane and I seem stupid. A stupid person who needs a spellchecker. Yet I really do make a living from publishing "stuff" online, not a shitty few quid here, few quid there supplement my benefits living but a real bonifide "holly shit you made how much last month" style living. Have been full time for the last 4 years. Honestly, there is no justice in the world. Right, I'm stopping before this edges towards the area of personal rant.

Over to you lads.

ps To the staff at the gym, yes I know you probably think I'm some sort of dodgy benefits scummer or drug dealer or some other shit, it's a natural conclusion when you look at how I dress and the fact I turn up at 8:45 every morning and am never in a rush to go anywhere! Perk of the job boys and girls. The way you smile and acknowledge all those people in their £60 Next suites, I'll have some of that next time please. Ta.

Just When I Thought I Couldn't Hate The Labour Party Any More Than I Do...

This fucking prick asks Barclays to shut down all their offshore companies! Yes Barclays, shut down those highly profitable businesses that employ thousands of people and funnel millions of pounds into the UK economy via the city of London. While you're at it please ruin a whole economy and destroy the lives of thousands of people who have done nothing but work hard to make a business profitable. Brilliant!!!

I've got no connection with Barclays or any other offshore bank for that matter, I don't work for one or rely on one. I could upsticks tomorrow and it wouldn't impact my business one bit. However, I have plenty of friends who are employed in offshore finance and you know what, I like my friends and I like them having jobs. I like my friends to have aspirations in life and some chance of achieveing them through hard work and dedication to the company that has employed them. But even more to the point, if you want Barclays to close down it's operation in anywhere that operates in a competitive manner then you might want to have a harsh close look at the UK first. Because when it comes to dodgy tax matters you fuckers take the biscuit, you want tax efficiency - check out a UK LLP.

I'd normally be the last person to defend the Isle of Man but come on, enough is enough. It's not our fault you lot have borrowed yourself into a massive fucking hole. And if you want to go down the route of not competing on tax then I'll tell you what, you go first. You stop luring business away from Europe for tax reasons, how about that? Nope. Didn't think so. Every country tries to make itself more attractive to business in whatever ways it can because every country is competing for a share of a limited pot. The sooner the Labour cunts that fucked up the UK in the first place get that into their heads the better.

Karma

I don't know what the fuck I've done to deserve the start to this year but whatever it is I'm going to try and do some good and re-balance things. So if you'd like a hand with anything technical now's the time to ask. Ever wanted to know how to do something with your PC but been too afraid to ask anybody in case it sounds stupid? Stuck on an Excel formula that's been bugging you for ages? Anything else computery pissing you off?

Just leave a comment and I'll do my best to help you out. All I ask in return is that the next time you're worshiping your god or deity of choice you let them know that Paul B is being nice.

Bravo - where are you?

WTF? Where did Bravo TV channel on Sky go?

It's just been removed from the listing from Sky channels and it is a huge loss to us all. To me, anyway. That channel had tonnes of my favourite shows - Gameface, Dog the BH, Spartacus - Blood and Sand. And I was gonna get the tattoo of the logo too :(

Bravo - I will miss your Saturday morning entertainments, your Friday night shows and your late night 'happy tissue' moments . . .

Christmas Games I've Barely Started

Happy New Year! Hope that everybody has started the new year with a bang and are already rocking and a rolling their way to their goals. We went to a brilliant new years house party and then had the added bonus of hangovers that only made it to a 7/10 on the "oh fucking hell somebody just smash my head in with a fucking axe this hurts so much" scale. All in all a great way to start the new year.

As Christmas has come and gone for another year so the half played with pressies are littered around the house, top amongst these being the assortment of video games that I've dabbled with but not had the time to really throw myself into.

1. Assassins Creed Brotherhood - I hated the first one, enjoyed the second one until the ending but so far haven't managed to get into the 3rd. I've played it for a couple of hours but I'm still at the dicking around in the Villa stage. The second one seemed to grab you by the scruff of the neck much more and it's going to take some serious will power to get fully immersed in this. It's a present so of course I'll see it through to the end. Chance of me completing - 100%

2. Grand Tourismo 5 - Loved the first, never played any of the others until this one. Only bought it because it promised proper 3D gaming. It does, but it's crap. 3D works best when the camera doesn't move much and objects move freely (in and out) within shot. FPS stuff in 3D looks shit, no matter how much you turn up the depth. 3rd person replays on the other hand look amazing. All style over substance, possibly, and the same could be said about the rest of the game. It's neither simulation enough nor arcadey enough to just be a fun blast. The Xbox has 3 racing games that piss all over this so why would I choose to play it? Chance of me completing it - 25%. Chances of the replays being shown off as an example of 3D gaming - 100%

3. Trials HD - I don't have many friends on xbox live choosing to only play people I actually know in real life, not random American kids who still think tea-bagging and shouting owned is why xbox live was invented. I noticed that most of my mates had started playing this and my competitive streak just wouldn't let it go. I rule. Love it, brilliant fun. The only niggle I have and it's a niggle I've used about games before, is that the difficulty goes from taking 30 seconds to complete a stage with no faults to taking 10 minutes with 150 faults in the time it takes to boil a kettle. Other than that fucking stunning. Chance of me completing it - 50% (although it won't be through a lack of trying, just another 5 minutes.....)

4. WRC 2010 - Ever since I bought the force feedback wheel I wanted to try a rally game. I've played just about everyone going back to Toyota Celica and Lombard RAC on the Amiga so if there's one genre I know a bit about it's this. There are so many things not great about this game, the presentation is a bit dull, the way it lets you retry a stage numerous times, the graphics aren't right up there. BUT something makes up for all that, the car handling. They've nailed it and with the wheel dialed in properly this game is just hours and hours of fun. You do need to turn of all the driver aids and use a manual gear box and it will take you lots of time to get good (having to practice at a game does not make it a shit game) but once you get in the zone it's a real stunner. There is no comparison between playing this game with a wheel and GT5 in 3D in terms of an immersive gaming experience, WRC 2010 wins hands down (maybe I need a wheel for GT5, there's a thought). Chance of me completing it - 100%

I also have Art Academy on the DS cos I like to draw but admitting that would be a bit gay so I'll leave it out.

Ying and Yang

On the plus side we've only just got through the coldest spell of weather in years. On the not so good side New Years Eve with the expense of Christmas still fresh in the mind can never be a good time for the central heating to go bang! As a very wise man once said, shit happens.

Here's wishing that you have all had an excellent Christmas and all the very best for a fantastic (and warm) New Year!

Fuck

How is it that everybody can see where this is heading except for our Treasury Minister?

The Difference Between 3D And HD

When HD first came out it was a fad, only good for gaming, it will never ever catch on with the mainstream. I ignored the opinions of doubters (most who had never actually seen it) and jumped onboard with one of the very first Sky+ HD boxes. I was one of a lucky few who had it in time for the 2006 world cup. Very happy I was as well. On the other hand the missus would (and will still) swear blind that she couldn't see any difference between SD and HD. "It doesn't look any different", she would whinge, mocking my investment in cutting edge tech in the process. Jump forward 4-5 years and you'll now find HD has managed to find its way onto Freeview and Freesat. All the mainstream broadcasters in the UK have at least one HD channel. The Sky HD offering has blossomed, a lot of people will only watch HD especially for anything even remotely live or filmy. If shit aint 1080p then it aint good enough. All this despite a large portion of people (my wife being one) insisting that it's no different to SD and that those extra pixels make jack shit difference.

3D in the home on the other hand is a fad, only good for gaming and will never ever catch on with the mainstream. I again ignored the doubters and have bought into it early. The wife watched a demo yesterday. She screamed and ducked when one of the dancers threw his hat off towards her, I couldn't help but laugh. "So you could tell the difference between 2D and 3D then?", I asked. "YES!!!"

Should You Bring Your Partner To The Christmas Party?

From The BBC.

It would have been much simpler to just replace that whole article with the word NO.

Fallout 3 New Vegas Review Part 2

I've just finished it, 25 hours of gameplay later and whilst the story doesn't get much better (at least the 1 I played) the bugs seem to settle down quite a lot, or maybe you just don't notice them as much? Overall I had 5 corrupt saves, which wasn't so bad once I'd got into the habit of doubling up.

What I will say though is I can't believe that they made exactly the same mistake as the first game with the ending - you can't carry on with your character! I was a touch over 25 hours for my playthrough, in that time I reached level 20 and did a good amount of side quests. It still took all my effort to beat the big boss (Legate* in my case) at the end of the game so I reckon on normal difficulty you've got to have put in a similar number of hours to finish. BUT then, after you've invested all that time into the game there's no chance of exploring the open world. WHY??? Fallout 3 made that mistake which they corrected with a DLC, why have they done the same with Fallout 3 New Vegas? I completed the game without using any alternative ammo, without making any weapons, without using a single companion - I'd like to see some of that but I really don't want to play the whole game through again, life's too short. Besides which when you start the game there's a lot of parts of the map which are just too difficult to survive in. I'd love to explore the whole map properly with my main story finished character but I'm not allowed, bastards.

Overall Score For Fallout 3 New Vegas - 7/10


*Legate spoiler, how to beat him. I was level 20 on normal difficulty and I can't tell you how annoyed I was getting trying to kill this asshole. It took me at least 50 goes, this was even more annoying because the whole of the final mission was a peice of piss up until then (I don't like games that go from easy to stupidly hard in 1 split second). I had some fairly powerful weapons but he'd just cut straight through my Power Armour with his chopper if he got too close, I only had 6 simpacks so once he was in my face it was all over. Anyhoo, luckily I'd kept all my landmines during the game so what I did was lay them all down in a long line on the path he comes down. Then rather than start a conversation with him I just shot him in the head with a gauss gun, this got his attention and he'd then run down the path towards me, setting off every mine on the way. By the time he'd got to the bottom I'd taken at least 80% of his health off and his legs were crippled. It was fairly easy then to finish him off with a couple more headshots. Once he was out of the way his guards were no trouble.

Is There Such A Thing As An Ugly Gabriela?

My one of these:-



arrived in not very good shape so I've been in a support yo-yo conversation with Dell trying to get it fixed. My support chick is called Gabriela and I'm imagining she looks something like this:-



With a name like Gabriela she's got to be a hotty in her early 20's, dark, perky with a tight body hasn't she?

They've agreed to send a tech to replace the motherboard but I bet they'll look more like this:-

Kids Are Thick

Neighbours kids a couple of houses up are at that 17-19 age where they have their first cars. They've woken this morning to a (very) light sprinkling of snow which has covered their windscreens. It's not really a Krypton Factor level challenge to clear snow and ice from a windscreen is it? IS IT?

Queue one girl desperately phoning her dad in a screaming fucking hissy fit in the middle of the street, "But I caaaaaaannnntttt seeeeeee!".

The lad on the other hand took a more laid back approach, I'd say he is going for the "lean against the car until the sun melts it" technique.

OK, so our generation has problems knowing how to fix things like our dads did, fair enough. In the large scale of things though that's got to be fuck all compared to the next generation which can't even manage to melt snow! Even bastard cavemen must have got their heads around that one?

Fallout New Vegas Review

It's very similar to Fallout 3, but broke.

X-Factor Compiler

Most of the people who really know me know that I have a touch of magic when it comes to computers. When you've got these sort of skillz it's best to put them to good use for the rest of humanity, no point keeping the good stuff to yourself. So spawns my latest creation - the X-Factor Compiler.

I don't want to bore the none nerds among you but essentially the X-Factor Compiler is a mathematically based image generation system (remember fractals anybody?). It takes all the comments about X-Factor from Facebook, reduces the text down to its core hex and applies weighted values from a given formula to generate a 2 dimensional array of 24-bit numbers, or as we like to call it, an image.

This weeks X-Factor source included:-

"... Team Katie, you go girl... You show em."

"Rebecca or Matt to win - amazing, best singers ever!"

"does know one realise whilest their voting katie to stay in their keeping that idiot in the sooner the pair of them go the better!!"

and the image generated
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I can't be 100% sure but it does have some resemblance to Quasimodo eating a dog turd.

iPhone 4 sound problem on video playback

I got me an iphone 4 a month or so ago - so I could donate the iphone (3?) on to the girlfriend so she could oooh and aaah at the apple iphone. Technology as it should work, and all that. Yup, love the interface and slidey finger over the panel thing, the apps and the maps and all that stuff.

So, the iphone4 comes with a startling video facility on the camera. Shoot quality video on your iphone - they even have the adverts telling you about it. Great! So I wanted to start shooting some Indy film thing, or at least iphone porn. But there is a huge problem with the playback on any video shot on the iphone4. A hissing static on the video playback.

A frickin' annoying hissing static that is quite audible, v distracting and certainly puts a kaibosh on the remaking of Hairflick as an iphone4 shot&edited film (yep - having downloaded the iMovie app you can edit your video's all on the iphone.)

Not the only one either - Apple : Support : Discussion (no answer) - and having taken the iphone 4 back into the local dealers (Sure Mobile) to swap it for a fully working model (before my warranty for returns runs out) - I find that all their batch of iphone 4 has the same problem.

Wonderful looking video. Just mute the sound because you'll get an underlying hiss on video playback. Apple have dropped the ball on this 'un. Focus on the quality video - but terrible sound quality...

That's my preach. And perhaps this post'll add to the growing dissatisfaction for people with the iphone 4 hissing on video playback problem.

Some Girl I Went To School With...

is going to brave going into town with her baby today.

Thank fuck for Facebook is all I can say! Imagine having to go through life missing out on those fucking gems of information.

Seriously considering following the lead of nobody and binning the book.

Steam Racket

"As of June 2009 the company is under investigation by a Select Committee of Tynwald, the Isle of Man's parliament. One of the concerns of Tynwald is the annual published profit margins by the Isle of Man Steam Packet Company, which according to Hansard, are 36% - almost three times the industry standard for ferry companies throughout the world." THREE FUCKING TIMES.

And why does it need such a massive margin? From Manx Radio -

"Mr Malarkey believes the real problem lies in the fact the company is servicing massive loans, taken out by its parent company McQuarrie." Who'd have guessed?

So in the face of their first bit of competition do they:-

A - Accept a lower profit margin, lower freight prices to increase their competitiveness and try and win back customers whilst at the same time lowering foot passenger fares to increase the number of people using the fleet and stop half empty sailings. More people onboard means a busier bar and more £4 sandwiches being sold.

B - Blame it on foot passenger rates and threaten to increase them, cut services and lay off staff (in order to maintain their 36% profit margin)

C - Blame it all on a user agreement that has allowed them up to now to financially pillage the Manx public (and businesses) for a 36% profit margin

D - Expect some sort of Government intervention in order to maintain their 36% profit margin

E - All of B,C and D

This Week I'll Mostly Be Playing

I have a Mass Effect expansion I want to get through although I'll need to start a new profile. Who's stupid idea was it to only be able to launch the DLC from the Normandy? Yeah, OK I don't have any saves before the game sucks you towards the final showdown so I'll take some of the blame.

Following on from that I have Mass Effect 2 winging its way towards me right now, game of the year so can't go wrong. It'll be a toughy to decide which profile to carry forward (damn you Mass Effect DLC)

Finally, Fallout 3 New Vegas should be here by the weekend. Fallout 3 is right up there amongst my favourite games of all time and even with all the bugs I can't wait to play this. Will be nice to see how accurately they've mapped it, going to go back to Vegas in February to compare notes. Can't beat a bit of Vegas.

Once those are out the way the Christmas run up includes

Call of Duty Black Ops
Assassin's Creed Brotherhood
Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare

This is always a busy time of year when it comes to gaming but fortunately for me I've declared my work year over. Time to unwind and prioritise what does and doesn't get done, I've made my money and can happily say fuck it till next April. Talking of which I'm off to watch Alien 3 Extended Edition on Bluray.

(You'll notice no mention of Fable 3, I know I'm on my own here but I found Fable 2 to be the biggest let down turd of a game I've played in years, and they reckon this one is worse)

Question

If the advertised salary for a vacancy is "highly competitve" why don't they just give you the amount?

Is it maybe because it's not competitive, it's fucking shit, so shit that you wouldn't bother getting of your ass to apply if you knew how shit it was? Is it because it pays only ever so slighlty better than being a scrounging cunt - plus has the downside of you actually having to do something? Fuck knows. At what point did companies think it was ok to stop giving a "in the region of" figure?

The more the days, weeks, months and years grind on the more I know I was born in the wrong decade. My annoyed with life bullshit o'meter has finally hit full. Fuck the lot of it, I give up.

Can't Believe I've Done It

Made my first million? Changed my views on wastrel fucking governments? Nope. Much more important than that, for the first time in my life I've cancelled a pre-order! That sort of shit never happens.

I've been humming and hahing about Kinect for a few weeks, every report I read although positive ends with some sort of warning, "shit if your sitting down", "shit if you move your hands too far", "shit unless you live in a barn".

What finally did it for me was admiring our ever growing collection of family Wii games whilst looking out of the corner of one eye at the Wii, Wii Controllers, Wii Balance Board and Wii Motion Plus jobbies all gathering dust. I've also just completed Mass Effect, I fucking love real games me, is there any chance Kinect will offer something new to real gamers and not just offer 40 something women and pissed teenagers another way of dancing around their front rooms like utter twats? I doubt it*. I doubt it enough to have saved myself £129.99. The only decision now is put it on black or buy 129 lottery tickets?




* Not saying that I'll never buy it, hell if I'm wrong I'll be the first mug on eBay snapping one up for £700 or whatever the going rate will be by Christmas

Chilean Miners Saved By God

"Thank God". If I had a pound for every time I'd read or heard that about the miners rescue I'd have at least 7 pound, just from the last few hours. With how busines has been the last week I could use that £7.

Lucky then that TV companies had a chance to interview God before he jetted off back home to America, "I just came here to drill" God announced on the completion of the rescue hole. Good old God turned up after seeing the plight on TV with a crack team of drillers and managed to reach the men in less than half the time the Chilean authorities expected. A bit like Armageddon but without slow motion walking and a poncy Steve Tyler soundtrack. Did God expect worship? No, he was more than happy with a job well done, top man!

He does work in mysterious ways but surely wearing a hard hat and being knee deep in shit has to be pushing it a bit.

That Big Nasty C

For the second weekend out of three I'm going to be spending a chunk of time visiting a relative with terminal cancer. Not the same relative, we buried my uncle 4 days after I last "spoke" to him (In as much as you can speak with a vegetable).

Less than 10 days and a bolt out of the blue later my step mum is squaring up to face the unbeatable bastard. Cancer, it's a bit of a twat really.

Everything Online Is Fucking Toss

It is you know. The whole fucking lot of it.

Anything to do with a service being sold online is fucking s.h.i.t.e. Trust me, I've been involved in the online world long enough to know. The latest fuckers determined to undermine my business are hosts and domain registrars. When I'm not being bent over the table by a crooked registrar I'm being let down by some host and their "99% uptime" bullshit. 75% wouldn't be bad you fucking pricks. It's not like I'm paying you for a service....oh hang on a minute. Where else in business could you get away with a contractually agreed service level and then just say "tough fucking shit" when you don't deliver? Welcome to the world of online. It sucks ass.

Pure Gaming Porn

This video makes me very very happy in a holy shit I'm getting old type of way.

P P P P P P P Poker Face

Isle Of Man Ripe For The Rip-Off

"I don't suppose it matters who it is as long as they continue to employ local people and there's a service for local people."

The most important thing is to protect the jobs and ensure there is no supply shortage, swwweeeetttttt. Any oil companies fancy a nice big Manx Government subsidy? Or how about a captive market to over charge?

Maybe the wise thing would be to keep schtum and let Total take care of the sale of THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Time To Pull Out The White Board

and give a little lesson on something called Statistical Significance

Ronaldsway Airport Is A Rockin And A Rollin Again

An increase of 45 people using the airport isn't an upwards trend, it's a fucking stag party making a big mistake.

Always The Wrong Choice

I was clever enough to get by at school. Despite having just about no interest in any of the subjects I was being taught I picked up enough from the teachers I did like, combined with a serious schooling in the "real world" by my dad I did OK. At GCSE level I bagged a full house of B's and C's, not spectacular but not too bad considering I did nothing special to prepare, to the extent that one of my teachers had to come and pick me up to get me to one exam on time because I'd forgetten about it!

When I'd finished my GCSE's it was assumed I'd stay on and do A-levels. How do I know this? Because I got a phone call on day 2 of the new school year from a mate who was contacting me because the school were wanting to know where I was. Where I was? I was where I said I'd be, at college, they obviously thought I was joking. Students like me don't go to college. College is for the deadheads and mentlers that can't behave themselves enough to do sixth form. OK, so I had no interest in school but that didn't stop me from behaving myself and respecting that other people were interested. My reason for choosing college was simple, the A/S level IT was taught on PC's not the toy Macs that every school on the island insisted on using. I knew that it was a waste of my time to learn anything Mac related. The other subjects I chose were just a filler, the only subject I'd been interested in was IT, there was no such thing as a GCSE in it back then and I was in the first year that an A/S level was offered.

The people who did stay on to do 6th form were mainly made up from people who I got on really well with. The majority consisted of my mates who I'd gone through primary school and then secondary school with. I think that most of them took full advantage of what was easily the best school on the Isle of Man at the time and got fantastic A-level results. Most went off to Unversity, some got jobs. Car share and some of the best days of my life.

What about me? My A-level career was short lived. The IT A/S level was useless, it taught nothing. I'd figured this out too late to change course and so I had to see out the rest of the year including the other subjects I was doing as filler. That year wasn't a total waste because I did end up with some A's at A/S level including one in business studies (which I came to really enjoy, cheers Paul Martin). I decided that I needed to do something more practical, the obvious choice was a GNVQ in IT. What a strange course that was! Made up of a combination of school leavers, house wives and men in the mid 30's.

Seven months into my new GNVQ IT course and I can see that once again this isn't really aimed at me. It's not their fault. I ask what I can hope for when I've finished this course? "Well you could go straight in to work as an IT technician or the preferred option is to go to university and do a degree". Ahh, I'd already released several games by this point. I was 18, I did my best to explain. I wrote them a special little graphical something in C that made the lecturers go WTF. They decided that I was wasting my time in education and would be better off getting a job. Most of the poeple on that course lasted out the 2 years and went on to Universtity. I've seen plenty of them around since. Some work in IT support, some drive delivery vans. I left college after 2 years and 2 incomplete courses and got a job. It was right in the middle of a recession. I didn't have the first clue what a recession was! All I knew was I got offered 2 jobs, 1 government and 1 private. I took the private one (for half the pay - software developer £7.5k per annum) because I figured it would help me learn. It did, I owe a hell of a lot to a lad called Michael Ferguson. I was never the easiest person to employ but as a senior developer he looked out for me a lot.

Jump forward to today, I'm 31, I've ran my own business for the last 4 years. One of my creations is still treated as one of the best 100 pieces of freeware ever written. I don't really have to worry about money. I've jumped from job to job, been fed up with IT several times. I don't really keep up to date with all of todays technologies, not only that but from time to time I even have to TRY to learn and take things in. Still I've done ok for myself despite making it up as I go along.

What has become of my friends that stayed on at school to do A-levels? Well most as I said went on to Universtity and eventually returned to the island. You'll find the majority now in paper shuffling none job government positions. Exactly the same as the majority who left school at 16 with bugger all. Bitter me? Perhaps a bit. But wouldn't you be if your "first job at 18" taxes were paying to put your peers through University only for them then to get dead end jobs. If they had drive, a goal, any career ambition - no worries. Then 10 years later I have the increased taxes from my success helping keep them in jobs whilst all the time getting screwed all ways up by a left wing government. Do I have any right to be a bit bitter? This was all my personal choice wasn't it? Yes it was, born out of a sense of wanting to contribute to society. My dad, school of life, remember?

Anyhoo this isn't about me blowing my own trumpet. I don't give a flying fuck what people think, never have, never will. The trumpets that deserve blowing are the people that did their A-levels at school but then spurned University to take jobs. I can't tell you how much respect I have for those people, to have turned their back on Uni must have taken massive balls. I don't know anybody who hasn't gone on to have a successful career in whatever they decided to do. Remember they left school (when I left college) at a time when the economy was tits up.

So when I turn on the TV and all I see is news program after news program filled with students who can't get a place on their social studies with post modernist drama course all I can think is fuck you. Shut the fuck up, knuckle the fuck down and get a fucking job.

Why Oh Why...

...would you go to the effort of picking up dog shit only then to dump the plastic bag? You've just handled dog shit, is it really that hard to chuck it in the nearest bin?

FU Gadget Show

I like lists, lets do a list-

1. Where the hell were the actual gadget reviews in this your first episode of a brand new series, have there been no new gadgets out in the last few months (excluding Apple toys of course)?

2. You can't give the iPhone 4 a 5G rating so instead you don't give it any rating, nice.

3. When testing the iPhone against its competition you put it in the hands of an experienced user whilst giving the new device(s) to somebody who has never used them. In what way is this a useful test?

4. I have no problem with people making commissions from promoting a product, fuck me I've made a career out of it, however please be open about it. Rave reviews about average products followed by a positive call to action (check out our website where you'll find the best prices for the iPhone4) is not what you expect from a mainstream consumer program. FFS just be honest about your relationship with Apple.

5. Exactly how does a challenge which involves using agencies to market the Gadget Show help your viewers make informed gadget buying choices? Seriously?

6. Suzi is not great looking. Lovely girl but she's average looking. Stop fucking letching over her like a couple of sex starved teenage tossers.

7. Your program is a pile of shit. I gave the new series a chance, you've blown it. That will be the last episode of the Gadget Show I ever watch.

I would buy an iPad, but . . .

I hate the frickin' adverts. What a bunch of knob-jockeys . . .

Public Sector Whinge

Blah blah, low paid, blah, whinge whine blah blah, not fair, blah blah, bastard bankers, whinge, I work hard, whine whinge blah blah

Just getting this in early before the UK budget is announced.

The reality is:- Gravy Train - Choo Choo

And the bankers weren't entirely responsible for the problems the UK has found itself in, you might have to look a little closer to home. Muppets thinking they can afford £250k houses (as well as the holiday, well you deserve it, and new car every few years) on a £20k a year job MAY have had something to do with it.

Disclaimer:- I don't work in a bank, I'm just somebody whose family lives within their means, who averages 50-60 hours work every week, who hasn't had a bank holiday off in 3 and a half years and whose annual leave is counted in single digits. But that's my choice, if I'm not happy with it I can always try and find another job - the world is strange like that.

Man With Invested Interest In Something Suggests We Need More Of It

http://www.manxradio.com/newsread.aspx?id=45653

Personally I think we need more internet advertisers, every company should advertise online. I'm not just saying that because it would benefit me personally, I just believe it would make the world a better place.

Ha Ha, You Are More Fucked Up Than Us

Just to put things in to perspective, YOU are letting a party that represents less than 25% of the population hold YOUR country to ransom until it gets its own way over something that LESS THAN 25% of people voted for. The party that came a very distant 3rd holds all the power in the UK. You've got to laugh. On what planet is that democracy?

In any other country there would be protests, riots, things would get ugly. In the UK you get angry e-mails to BBC news. Well done.

Note: On the plus side now the dust has settled you seem to have a government that actually realises the massive financial shit storm going on and is determined to do something about it. Whilst ours concentrates on using less pens, no seriously

Shock As Thousands Of Work Shy Tree Huggers And Students Are Too Lazy To Vote

Is it really a shock?

TV crew turns up at a random University and asks the students how they are going to vote. Note: The reporter has made the effort of going to the University, i.e. not expecting the students to do ANYTHING. 90% say Liberal Democrat (why wouldn't they, they are promising to distribute far more of the wealth from the people who DO work to those that don't).

Come election day where there is a need for the same students to get of their asses, go somewhere and vote and.....shock horror...the majority can't actually be arsed, or even better turn up at the polling stations late.

I feel sorry for Nick Clegg a bit, courting students and people too lazy to work doesn't pan out too well when having them vote actually involves them having to do something. If only there was some way of exercising your democratic right in a way that involved absolutely fuck all effort on your behalf then I'm sure the Liberal Democrats would be a shoe-in!


IN OTHER SHOCK NEWS: The much warned about by experts, who know these things, run on Sterling that would happen should a hung parliament occur has started. Who'd have thought that?

Dear Gadget Show

Why have you taken what was one of my top 3 programs on TV and turned it into a bag of crap?

Whilst there has been a steady decline in the quality of what you have put out over the past 2 series last nights episode really took the biscuit in terms of utter crapness. Surely the whole point of your program is to test gadgets, at least that's what the original program was about. I'm assuming that something has been said along these lines recently because you now feel the need to mention during each episode that "testing gadgets is at the heart of everything you do". Whilst at the same time dedicating most of the program to some form of ridiculous ego challenge. Here's a small tip for you, why not do some gadget reviews and then you wouldn't have to keep on reminding people that's what your program is about?

Lets take last nights episode as an example. The majority of the program is dominated by a challenge. The first part of this challenge is to see what gadgets can help you RUN 400m the quickest. Except in some act of PC bullshit you have the old man win by wiggling a wii-mote. Because everybody with Wii-Fit doesn't know you can cheat by wiggling the mote instead of running? The only actual running technology on show, worn by Ortis, gets a few seconds of air time. Why didn't you just have him do a peice about his tech and show the time difference between wearing and not wearing it and what effect you are getting for your money? You know, like a real test, how hard would that be? The next 2 parts of the challenge are even more pointless, the cherry on the cake being Suzi flying through the air by crane hoist during the long jump challenge. Why the fucking hell even bother? It's not factual (like Bang Goes The Theory), it's not even entertaining (like Top Gear) it's just a giant ego trip for presenters who have become too fond of their own voices. The PCness of it makes me want to puke, if you're going to do a challenge make it a genuine challenge and if somebody is shit at it, let them be shit at it. They might be that crap that it becomes entertaining? On the other hand why not do away with the pointless challenges altogether and get back to reviewing new gadgets? We live in a gadget rich age, there is plenty of new stuff out each week.

In this respect I wouldn't even mind if you want to get rid off 1 or 2 of the presenters. Last nights episode contained two actual product review segments. The first by John where he looked at noise cancelling headphones was very well done, informative and of great use to somebody looking to buy a new pair of noise cancelling headphones. The second piece about the surround display for gaming done by Jason was frankly, useless. What did it tell us about this new gadget? It's clear that for 3 of the 4 current presenters it's become much more about being on TV, Jason has become his own biggest fan, Suzi has lost all her passion for gadgets, it's easy to spot the difference when you see her presenting a motorbike program. Ortis has clearly never had any interest in Gadgets at all or is a bag of nerves in front of the camera, the somebody telling him "you need to say this about this" nature of his pieces to camera are ripe for a bit of fast forwarding. That leaves John, the only real product reviewer left on the program.

The truth is that thanks to Sky+ the Gadget Show is now a 10 minute watch for people like me. People interested in buying and using the latest gadgets need to know what they're getting for their money, not how many world records a bunch of amateurs can get when backed up by huge teams of professionals! This will be my last series of the Gadget Show, it was good, now you've wrecked it. Wankers.

What Did New Mums Used To Do Before Facebook?

...because all they seem to do now is sit there updating the world with the status of their kids as if they are the first people in the world to have ever brought up a child. I imagine they do it so that the other new mums who they went to school with but haven't spoken to in 15 years can "like" it.

I'm not talking about the people who post the odd weekly update, I'm talking about the collective who feel the need to post updates every half hour about little Timmy's shit/jab/puke status. Either that or what a prick the father has been. Somebody far cleverer than me should do a study into the correlation between women of a certain age using Facebook and their likely hood to get knocked up by some twat that then pisses off.

As Facebook matures it'll get even better, we'll be able to follow the half hour updates for the first 6 months of the relationship and how this boyfriend is the bestest boyfriend in the world ever (luvs u bbs xxx), the announcement of being pregnant, then the next 18 months getting regular updates on what a prick the ex boyfriend now is and how little Timmy is the best kid the world has ever seen, despite having a crap dad.

I shouldn't forget that it's also compulsery as a new mum to let the world know via Facebook how tired you are feeling, EVERY FUCKING DAY. Well you can't have that status left emtpy of a morning can you?

And don't even get me started on 30+ year olds who suddenly feel the need to speak in txt spk

Facebook should have been left for the hot college chicks to post pictures of themselves, it's been spoilt now.

Trip Around The Isle of Man

A brief tour around the south of the Isle of Man.



Leaving the inner harbour at Douglas at about 8:40 in the morning...



...only to find out that the Heysham sailing is due to leave at 8:45. Time to get a move on.



First obstacle out of the way now it's a race to get to Peel before the harbour closes.



The lighthouse on Douglas head. Looks much bigger from the sea.



Port Soderick, scene of the infamous 1997 bottling incident. Yes there were chavvy scum on the Isle of Man as far back as 1997. :)



Can't tell if Jeremy Clarkson is home or not. Cracking photo though by Mrs B considering we were bouncing along at the best part of 25 knots



Approaching the Sound and the Calf of Man from the east. Not the most friendly looking coast in the world.



Passing through der der der..The Sound. Scene of plenty of ship wrecks and numerous deaths. This was the first time I'd travelled through here in over 20 years. The weather turned cold, the sea changed and then the GPS died. On the plus side there was plenty of wild life about.



Mrs B at the wheel as we cruise past Port Erin. An hour in to the journey and we were making good progress.



Opposite Niarbyl looking back towards Bradda Head, Kitterland and the Calf of Man. We knew at this point that all being well we'd hit Peel with plenty of time to spare so took the time to have a drift about. It was high tide and slack water so the sea settled right down. Can't think of anywhere better to be on a day like that.





Peel Castle at 10:30 in the morning. Sometimes you can take the things on your doorstep for granted without having any idea of just how lucky you are.



Sitting outside the entrance to Peel Castle waiting for permission to enter the harbour. Getting plenty of waives from people on their hollibobs, Mrs B was very impressed with friendly Peel.



All we need to do now is find somewhere to park. A great first run out in the boat and hopefuly many more to follow.

Is This Progress?

No money for life education. Cut backs on swimming lessons for the youngest primary school kids (we live on a small island FFS). Yet money to build and run a youth cafe so that 13 and 14 year olds have somewhere to sober up and get a cuddle from a social worker before going home..... I fucking give up.

I was brought up on the Isle of Man in the 80's and quite frankly the island as a whole didn't have a pot to piss in. Tourism had gone and the finance sector was merely a brain fart in the deepest recesses of a government that was lost with what to do. At that age I didn't realise just how skint most people were, you don't do you? Looking back....yep, most people worked their nuts off to get by. Here's the thing though, even in the post apocalyptic, pre finance sector Isle of Man there was money for swimming lessons and Happy Harold. There wasn't millions being spent on runways, security fences and making roads faster in the name of safety. I can't remember there being many youth cafe's for the poor deprived kids - Christ they'd have needed one on every street. What they did have was their priorities right, or at least I think so. If this is what they call progress then they can shove it up their asses.

Isle of Man Websites. Electrical

I wanted to buy a FreeSat SD box and as we are always told I thought about shopping local. I also thought to save time and effort I would visit the main retailer’s sites for information on products they sell.

Well you would have thought my internet connection had gone through a wormhole to 1990. Can they seriously expect to get away with these websites? You can get free templates anywhere on the net that would be better than these.

http://www.waltons.com/

http://www.mtveuronics.com/

And here is the other thing that REALLY pisses me off. I can almost forgive (actually I can’t) the fact that you have the shittiest of shitty websites, but if you are going to give me the option of contacting you via email. Then PLEASE have the decency to fucking reply!

I must have emailed both of the above websites 3 or 4 times over the last couple of years and NEVER got a reply.

I swear hanging is too good for them!

Quality Reporting At Its Best

Ta da! - Excellent News Story

Rabbit vs Predator

Forget Alien vs Predator, this is the real battle of the heavyweights.



It was such a nice day on Saturday that I decided to have a break from work and take the camera for a walk. About a mile later I stumbled across this :-



Skinned - CHECK
Spine Ripped Out - CHECK

Conclusive evidence as if any was needed that there is an intergalactic battle going on in my neighbourhood. I'll work on my Arnie style death-pit tomorrow, as long as the weather stays nice.

Beckii Cruel

So that video did nothing for me, then again I've never cracked one off with the thought of boning a child looking cartoon character in my head, the same can't be said for the legion of fans in Japan. Look at the target audience for Roricon, it's not exactly young girls! Now they've got a real face to "dream" about, awesome.

To criticise Beckii Cruel (or Rebecca Flint to give her real name) is to criticise the Isle of Man. "Good on her", "It's great for her, it's great for the Isle of Man", "Think of the free publicity". To be fair to the girl no criticism should be put to her, its her dad that needs his head read.

What it's taught me is that it's fine to have our kids pander to any sort of fantasy as long as no nudity is involved. Fuck working for a living, I'm off to see if I can find a lycra horse outfit for my 14 year old, don't worry, I'll make sure she puts tape over her nipples.

Apple

"Sir, it's not even turned on yet". "But it's glowing!". "That light confirms that it's off"

Apple summed up in one brief but oh so beautiful exchange.

Google Spell Checker

I can’t spell, never have been good at it. I put it down to be ever so slightly dyslexic. So basically when working on a computer I just type the way it sounds and the spell checker does the rest. However I have found Microsoft’s spell checker to be woefully inadequate at times. For example I was trying to type: deliberately obstreperous this morning but when I typed in my close approximation: derlibertatly obstrepidus, I had Mr Gates stumped!
So I always copy and paste into Google and sure enough it says, “Did you mean: deliberately obstreperous” and yes Google I did mean that, thank you!

Merry Christmas

By the looks of it a couple of the Manx Lads have had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual getting up late, hours opening presents, most of the afternoon cooking and then an evening of family joviality where I kick ass at whatever the games of choice are. This year it was mainly Buzz and I was on fire. Of course there was beer during the day but only at a rate where I was burning it off as fast as I was drinking it. Just a normal Christmas day if maybe a slighlty earlier finish than usual because of a few people having colds.

Boxing day was all about the presents. S was working, L was on her new laptop so I had the TV to myself. I started of with Modern Warfare 2 and managed to complete it in about 5 hours, pretty much what I was expecting. Brilliant game, enjoyed every minute of it. Then I started on Assassins Creed 2. Don't like it. Not at all. I'll play through it once so that I can see the whole game but after that I doubt I'll ever pick it up again. Over hyped style of substance nonsense. Today S is working again so I'll try and put in a few hours of Lego Indiana Jones, call me a kid if you like but I'm really looking forward to it.

All in that just about sums up the last couple of days. Enough beer, plenty of nice food and some decent gaming time. Happiness all round.

On a not so merry note we watched a film last night called Idiocracy, it's supposed to be a comedy but the reality that runs through it is a scary thought, the Chavs are going to finish us all off!

It's Like A Real Band, With Instruments And Stuff

Having been forced to endure the Karaoke talent that tosspot Simon Cowell seems determined to enforce on the UK every Christmas it's nice to see that somebody is making a stand.

Trying To Shop Local

There is a major campaign going on at the moment to try and get people to shop local on the Isle of Man. With the UK government pillaging our VAT revenue every penny that stays on island is seen to be a good thing.

In our house there is a definite split about this type of thing. I'm a firm believer in the Internet. It gives me the choice, value and here's a shocker for some people Better Buying Rights*. I do shop local, but when it suites me, for example when the local retailer hasn't doubled the price and has the item I'm looking for.

The wife on the other hand loves the whole shopping process. She likes to wander around for hours picking things up, putting them down again, being hassled by over attentive staff or ignored by staff with better things to do.

It's horses for courses and I'd never try to convince her that my way is better. It's just different. This Christmas there has again been 2 camps. I've already completed just about all my shopping, 95% of it done completely hassle free, getting exactly the items I need online, with plenty of time to spare. Mrs B on the other hand has decided that there's no hurry because she can just go to town anytime and get what she needs. Except when we did go to town last Saturday the shops had exactly the square root of FUCK ALL of what we needed to buy. Fine if you don't need anything specific, if a jumper will do and not a blue Lacoste size 10 jumper (Just an example, I'm not after a blue jumper). I was determined to get in on some shop local action so we did buy a few generic things but just about nothing to tick of the lists. Guess who spent Saturday night buying everything we had tried to buy local online?

And again today. Our daughter wants something specific, it's only a box of chocolates for christs sake, can they be found anywhere within the limits of our majestic capital? Can they bollocks. It might even be too late now to order some so thanks to "shopping local" that's something that's just not going to get bought.

This might sound like I'm being a bit of a spoilt brat, you know, expecting to find the items I want to buy and not something that's along the same lines + playing more for the pleasure. I don't give a shit. I work bloody hard for every penny I make and when I'm buying people presents I'd like to be able to either get them what they've asked for or what I think they'd like. It's not like I'm looking for wacky things, just normal everyday stuff. Completely ignoring the whole price issue if the shops don't have the choice then what are you supposed to do?

*If you buy something online but don't like it for whatever reason then you get a 14 day cooling off period where you can return it, no questions asked. It's all part of some distance selling regulations. Some shops offer the same terms but a lot don't so you may find that you've actually got better rights for returning stuff if you buy online.

Why worry about the Economy?

Given Global Warming, the increase in Acidity in the Oceans, Iranian Nuclear Weapons and an overdue Ice Age, we can safely assume the following:

"The Human Race will soon be extinct"

I was watching a “TV Show” the other night. It showed the last cave where the last (known) Neanderthal community lived. Meaning, there was literally a last Neanderthal man. Who had one last day and one last sunset before dying. Cool.

I want to be the last Homo Sapien. How Poetic to be the last of a species?

On my last day, I shall stand proud (on a hilltop somewhere) and say to God and Mankind: “yay, though you might have had a BMW X5 and a holiday home in Dubai and three PHDs and....shit – I am the last ever human. You CANNOT top that – you tw@ts”

Admittedly, my righteous exultation will be somewhat wasted given that no-one will hear me. Apart from my Cat who is so stupid it won’t even realise that all of humanity is dead and that it’s been eating dead manxies for the last 3 weeks.

However, I shall feel GOOD about it. And that’s what counts.

p.s. I guess the loss of my family, friends, all hope and the utter failure of my species to survive might slightly take the edge off my moment of happiness. But hey, it's swings and roundabouts.

An Island Of Moaners

Yeah I know, Pot calling Kettle black. But even too me this is extreme, check out some of those comments!

The Manx Love Spandau Ballet

The Reason I Get Angry Sometimes

It's all in this document. Personally I think it should be forced upon every public sector worker who chooses to whinge about how hard done to they are.

A couple of highlights:-

"The 2005 report concludes that average pay across the public sector is some 15% above that in the private sector and this differential has widened over the last four years".

AND

"We simply cannot afford to lose sight of the fact that the prosperity of everyone in this community is dependent first and foremost on the efforts of the wealth generating private sector".

That 15% also doesn't include a final salary pension scheme that is unavailable anywhere else. Depending on your calculation that ads an extra 10%-20% differential meaning that in fact the real pay gap is somewhere between 25% and 35%. Thanks to the governments double pay award scheme (annual increment + pay rise) I'd also bet the house on the fact that the gap has widened again over the last 4 years.

Congratulations to anybody working in the private sector, not only are you the driving force behind this small island economy but you're also doing it for much less pay than you'd get get if you opted to sit on your ass in a government office.

It's Not E-Gaming - It's Online Gambling

So the company I was working for had not long imploded, I was due to get married, tomorrow, and I'm trying on my suit when the phone goes. It's an employment agency asking me to go to an interview that afternoon, it's at a company that I've heard bad things about, in fact somebody I know once walked of their interview when realising the work conditions. I have nothing to lose, a wedding to pay for and a "what the hell" attitude. I go to the interview, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and just like every other interview I've ever had I get offered a job, on the top of the pay scale. I am fucking awesome at interviews even when I'm dressed like a tramp.

The next day I get married and go away on honeymoon. Over the next week or so I get several phone calls from my new soon to be employer asking when I'm going to be back. Call me a pessimist if you like but already my warning bells are going off, to be honest I'd never had any real trust in e-gaming (it was an e-gaming company, or as I like to call it online gambling) and even less faith in companies whose balance sheets tell you they are only surviving from venture capital. Yes I REALLY do this type of research before accepting a job, unfortunately the rushed nature of this meant I didn't really have much chance to do my checks. I wondered what could possibly be so important that they need my input, keeping in mind that I hadn't even started working for them yet and certainly wasn't on the payroll. Anyhoo, I kept with the nice demeanour and soon the honeymoon was over.

My first day wasn't exactly as I'd planned. For a start my uncle had died whilst we were away and that meant I had his funeral to attend the next day. He was my closest uncle and an usher at my wedding so it was a bit if a head fuck in what had already been a fairly messy year. It did get worse though, my first day also happened to be the lad I was replacing last day. He'd decided to jump ship early. At the time this didn't bother me in the slightest, the job I'd be doing was essentially a bit of web stuff and some database management so as long as the database was rationalised to some sort of accepted standard there would be no problems. The only possible reason I'd need any sort of a handover was if there database was a complete cluster fuck. Can you see where I'm going with this?

Over the next week I spend all my time familiarising myself with a database structure that just doesn't seem right. There was a lot of manual process going on in getting data out and my first thoughts are for automation. Two weeks in to my new job and the automation is complete. On the other hand my role (which is essentially to assist marketing) has now been expanded and I seem to be spending a lot of time with the IT department, headed by the biggest oaf I've ever worked with. A man so inept at everything his only redeemable feature is his ability to spew forth mountains of management bullshit. Of all the people I have worked with he was the one who clearly had the least clue of what he was talking about. He once bored me to the point where I was physically sick on leaving his office, I promise you that's true. Underneath he had a manager who was not far behind, clearly the company was being run on a premise of employing friends and family, or maybe just fuckwits. Even in saying all this there's always that niggle with a new boss that maybe it's just me that needs time to adjust, so I was more than happy to play the nice employee. Right up until the 3rd week of my employment that was.

In one morning I had 2 conversations that would result in me going out for lunch and never coming back. The first was from one of the big money backers, he received my automated reports each day and recognising the new name on the e-mail thought to contact me. He wanted somebody on the inside of the business who was out of the "loop" to report what was really going on. As far as he was concerned money was being thrown away hand over fist and he was wanted know why, he wanted to meet me that week and was coming over from Ireland. These are not the sort of games I get involved in. Then shortly after that the IT manager asked me to pull a report from the database showing the gambling turnover for last year. For a start I didn't work for the IT department and secondly I'd spent the last 2 weeks telling everybody who would listen that their database was a nonsense. My marketing manager was somebody who loved his data and would often ask for queries to be run, I'd do it and then he'd say something like "But when xxxx was here I'd see 5 times that number of signups". And I'd reply "Yes, that's because the database is crap and he wasn't doing it correctly". Why did nobody notice that with so many new customers they still couldn't make any money? But it gets better, not only did they want a report they also wanted me to sign it off as being accurate for company account purposes. Screw that. I was only the lowly database admin, I could now see why the other bloke couldn't get out the door quick enough, he knew it was coming up to that time of year. A morning of being asked to explain to a shareholder why the company was haemorrhaging money followed by being asked to make up some magic figures to reconcile with the bank account was enough for me.

But why even bother mentioning this? I suppose there are lessons about not rushing into things and the old if it quacks like a duck, swims like a duck and flies like a duck then 9 out of 10 times it's a duck thing but more importantly the man responsible for all the technology in that business at that time has just gone on to win some business bloke of the year award. I shit you not, it's not what you know, or to some extent even who you know. It's the amount of irrelevant dribbling bullshit that you can come out with that really matters.

ps Within 3 months of me leaving the entire front and back end gambling system was ripped out and replaced with a recognised system. I like to think that the report I left them on ways forward for them as a business had some influence in that decision.

National Insurance Contributions To Increase On The Isle of Man

Actually happened yesterday but the local media can't be bothered reporting on something that impacts on every single working person of the Isle of Man.

Isle of Man NI Increase

The good news is that the money has been allocated for Health Services, although with my knowledge of government accounting I wouldn't like to say what the actual chances of that happening are.

Non Stick Toilets

With all the inventiveness out in the world, why hasn’t someone invented a non stick toilet bowl?
Surely a Teflon coated bowl would prevent the perennial problem of skiddies on the bowl?
It seems simple enough to me.

The Great Rice Crispie Shortage

Can't find anybody with them in stock, happened before about a month ago. Has there been a problem with the rice crispie harvest?

I wouldn't mention it except it's the only cereal L will eat that isn't coated in sugar/chocolate.

How To Rescue The Isle of Man From The VAT Shortfall

It's headless chicken time on the rock. Government finances have just been shafted by our bigger, tougher neighbour and now it's "tough times ahead". In all the doom and gloom though people are forgetting about one thing,no, not Investing - I'm talking about the internet.

The Department of Trade and Industry have got us all covered, so no need to panic people! You see all we need to do is setup home businesses doing thing like...I dunno maybe making homemade greetings cards or painting stones and then via the power of the shopiom.com portal we can sell them to people all around the world. Even people in France have the internet, crisis, we'll make a killing? The Isle of Man could become the cottage industry centre of the world, all powered by Venda, it will be awesome.

So for anyone who finds themselves in financial shit creek because of what's going on my advice is pickup some stones (we have plenty), buy some paint and get cracking. Tough times my ass, shopiom.com is all we need.

How Not To Deal With Debt Part 2

Do not spent £100 on a pillow. Even better, don't buy 2.

How Not To Deal With Debt

1. Do not borrow even more money, surely that's just common sense?

2. Do not start selling of what you've bought for a fraction of its value

Anybody want to copy Labour in?

Ukraine vs England - Not On TV

Ukraine vs England is on Saturday. The nation that invented the game, has the buzz from early World Cup qualification and is generally regarded as one of the most football mad countries in the world doesn't get to watch their national teams latest world cup qualifier live on TV? That's seriously screwed up. It's bad enough when only pay per view channels get to show the national team but to not show it at all? Mental.

What's even worse is if you want to watch the match online you're looking at a one of price of £4.99 up until Wednesday I think, and then a piss taking'ly marvelous £9.99 after that. £9.99 for a single online streamed game! So what will happen is that a load of people will either forget or pray that something will happen to show the game on TV and end up desperate on Saturday and pay £9.99. Except there is a flaw in the plan of the schemers behind this, the online bookie Bet365 also have the rights to show the game and signing up with them is free. So it may not be as good as watching it from the comfort of your sofa on a large TV but at least if you're having to watch it online you can do it for free, just sign up at Bet365.

Note:- I've just been contacted by the company running this game and have been asked to promote it - for a price. It looks like I've made a massive mistake here, it's not £9.99 they are going to charge but actually £11.99! Yes, el-ev-en pounds and 99 pence to watch Ukraine vs England online. Not in 3D, not in HD, not an actual ticket to the game but to watch the game streamed over the net. Jesus H Christ, anybody paying that is stupid, anybody paying that when Bet365 are showing the game for free is clearly a mental!

People Who Pick Up Dog Shit

Was on the bus this morning and as we were heading up the hill we happened to go past some woman walking her dog. That's not quite right, cos at that point she wasn't so much walking the dog as fondling its shit. What I'm wondering here is what is the correct response to this? On the bus it looked like 90% of people diverted their gaze to straight ahead and locked it that way. The other 10% continued to stare out the window at the lady playing play-dough with turd. What are you supposed to do?

I should point out that I applaud people who love their animals enough to walk around after them picking up crap. Its reason enough for me to never own a dog. It's certainly a lot better than the other filthy bastards who just leave their dogs to shit everywhere for us to walk in. The Isle of Man used to be some sort of dog shit capital but it has gotten much better, far from perfect but better. It's just....you know...the whole picking up shit thing with your hands...with only a thin piece of plastic for protection. Doing it can't be great, watching somebody else isn't great either. Think I'll stick with being a diverter.