Thursday, June 29, 2006

Sciatic Nerve My Ass

As previously posted one of us isn't well, that'll be me then. What started of as an occasional dull ache whilst on the cross-trainer over a year ago has just grown and grown until I now struggle walking more than a few hundred yards, even when sober. Reluctantly I've dragged my sorry spastic leg of to the doctor for a look, a few prods and whacks with a hammer later and I've apparently got something wrong with my sciatic nerve, whatever the hell that is. Google reports that it's something pregnant chicks have problems with so as I'm neither I'll expect nothing less than a full on piss take. On the plus side I've got some kick ass tablets to take that numb the pain, shrink the swelling and allow me to run around like a spring chicken. Looking for a side affect that might buy me some time of work sick I noted that they "may" (will) make you "emotional" or "irrational".

The dilemma is to take the tablets and move freely whilst feeling sorry for yourself and cursing life like a great big homo girly thing OR bin the tablets, grit your teeth and get on with kicking the crap out of life, all be it with a feeble monged leg. Me, I'll take the tablets, this really bloody hurts.

What have I done?

Well two things at work.

I downloaded and install Microsoft’s new Windows Media Player 11.

I found out about and joined

That’s it

We are Alive

I thought I would post something just to let you all know that everyone involved with this blog is alive and mostly well.

In fact 3 of us went for a few quiet beers last night, whilst the forth was at home, poorly (bless him).

So yes we are alive, alas nothing worth blogging about has happened, or people are too busy, or they just can’t be arsed.

Anyway, this blogging lark, wont last and is just another Computer Fad that wont last, just like the Internet in general.

That’s it really.

Go away!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Slow down.

It’s not that I want to get drunk, it’s just that if I have any drink in my hand be it Beer, Wine, Orange or Tea, I tend to drink it very quickly.

However, when the said drink has alcohol in it, that’s when there’s trouble.

I get very drunk, very quickly and become my alter person, the caustic drunk.

I hate him, he’s a coooooooont.

I shall be different from now on. Controlled pace, pausing to relay amusing anecdotes to the listening crowd. I shall be the very wit of the party, with a splash of sobriety.

After all, I am middle aged in the next 6 months.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Anti Rape Condom – I shit you not

This is a real product, apparently if you feel you might end up a victim to rape (long journey or a blind date etc) you insert this anti rape condom.

Then if a rape takes place, the second he enters you his “member” gets stuck, in this painful condom.

He then has to seek medical help to get it off before his dick falls off.


Some of the FAQ’s state.

Won't the rapist kill me?  
Sadly, many women have been killed over time, as nobody can guarantee the outcome of any rape! However, the huge plus-factor is that the discomfort and pain is such, that the rapist would be disabled temporarily, (much worse than a kick in the groin that self-defence instructors teach women!) giving you time to get away and get help.


Will it be available in various sizes?  
Yes. Small, medium and large.

Now is the sizing for the girl or boy?


It may be a good idea, who knows…

Obviously, I don’t want to make light of rape and think the thing should have razor blades all along the inside.

Remember the chances of this happening to you are very slight, so don’t have nightmares.


I’ve just been to the Dentist for three fillings.

What’s the first question he asks, “Do you want a pain killing injection?”

What the Fuck.

Either it’s going to hurt and I need one, or it isn’t? You’re the one doing the work, how the hell am I meant to know if it’s going to hurt?

Actually my dentist is fantastic; he explains everything and is a very nice man.

I took the No Injection option, and I felt very little pain.

Top bloke.

A real Post

Well what to say?

Nowt much is happening at the moment, I’m playing a fair bit of Oblivion on the old Xbox 360. Which is a life and time sucking RPG that is simply fan-fucking-tastic, well if you are a 30 something (for another 7 months anyway) bloke.

Paulie B got Sky HD this week, so I am really looking forward to going round to his on Sunday to see it working. Even if it means I have to watch a football match.

Tonight, we are off to Aidy’s for beers and snacks. Which will be nice to get out of our house and around somebody else’s for a change.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my stylist to work on a new hairstyle. Which is a week too late; as it is really doing my head in, (I hate that expression, and never use it verbally).

Middle son, is doing a concert all weekend.

I think that’s it. As I said, nothing really happening at all.

I’m sure there is more, but right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

Later Days

He’s not thought that through

My Boss was waiting for me at my desk this morning, when I sauntered in at 09.20am.

He says, “If you can’t make it in to the office on time, I’ll have to get a new IT Manager.”

“Do really think there is enough work for two of us?”

Anyway, can I just leave you with the following thought?

Time flies like an Arrow
Fruit flies like a Banana

Thank you and have a good weekend.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Some Good news

Finally, I have some good news to tell you (all?)

I used to be depressed and miserable.

Well no more, I’ve turned my life around…..

Now I’m miserable and depressed.

Thank you, I’m here all week.

World Cup frenzy

Our local Woolies has a 'football free' DVD area – where the current DVD on offer is 'Bend it like Beckham'. Doh!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Some people get right on my wick!

There is a girl who sits close to me who is always whinging about how little money she has. Which is normally ok as we are all skint.

However, this fucking bitch winds me up for the following reason.

  • She is a fully qualified accountant and is on around £40,000 at least.

  • Her bonus this year was £7,000 (mine was zero)

  • Her husband is also in a very well paid professional job.

  • She has one child, which her mums looks after and so pays no Nursery fees.

  • She has TWO houses, one of which she rents out and that covers that mortgage with a bit to spare.

  • She a whinging bitch

  • She is constantly going away for Holidays (went to see Robbie Williams in Paris last week and is off to New York shopping next month)

  • She is a whinging bitch

  • She is always making mistakes at work and blaming other people.

  • She has just complained how much her new kitchen is costing (£24,000)

  • I hate the cow

Rant over.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sky HD Review

Being a generally all round lucky bar steward I’ve managed to get my hands on one of the new Sky HD boxes before the majority of people.  First of all this wasn’t cheap, £300 for the box and then an extra £10 a month for the “HD” subscription but with the thought of high definition world cup football I couldn’t resist.  It also helps to have a forgiving, wonderfully sexy chick of a wife. 

Having had the word from the installers that everything was ready to go I flew home from work yesterday to give it a go.  The box itself looks modern yet old (black yet curvy) surely everybody must know by now that black is the new silver?  It does its best to look different from every other box stuffed under your TV, there’s no way you’re going to mistake this for a DVD player!  It has enough connections to keep most people happy; mine has a scart cable connected to a wireless sender to broadcast around the house, a component connection to the TV (old school - no 3D TV here) and a HDMI to HDMI connection to my TV.  It was already wired up but I’m sure there is a second scart available as well.  You’ve also got all the usual sound outputs and mine is connected to a Yamaha home cinema system via the optical out.  One final thing to note about the hardware itself is that the remote is much sleeker, it’s flatter and wider than the old Sky+ remote and just looks and feels of a much better quality.  The old remote is fully compatible with the new system though and there are no new buttons/functions to worry about.

The first channel I tried was the BBC HD preview channel which shows a loop of nature program clips and documentary previews etc, all filmed in true HD.  I was stunned by the quality, to be honest the wife less so.  However after a few minutes I flicked back to a non HD channel and then you could see the real difference, S was impressed so that’s a big relief.  Being a techy nerd I then thought I’d try the same channel with various inputs to see if you could really see the difference, trust me on this, the ONLY way to view HD is through a HDMI or similar HD interface.    Colours were more vibrant, the picture so much more lifelike.  The fact that you can see every detail on a face takes a little getting used to.  The best way to describe the high definition picture is that everything looks far more 3D.  You feel like you could pick up something from within the screen, not my words but those of L my 10 year old daughter.  So the BBC’s HD effort is everything that the Sky promo promises, I then tried the Sky channels.  The selection is limited, a lot, 4 movie channels (2 you have to pay extra for), 1 sports channel, 1 general entertainment channel and a couple of documentary/nature programs.  I flicked through all of them, all are far less impressive than the BBC channel to various degrees.  Sky Sports HD was ok, not as crisp as the BBC but still a big step up from standard definition, Sky One was disappointing although I believe a lot of the programs available are actually upscaled normal programs, so over time this should improve.  The programs on the other channels weren’t really my thing so I didn’t mess too much.  Obviously they look better than a normal picture but not so much as to knock you of your feet.

Eventually I put the football on the BBC channel, all I can say is WOW!  It really was like being in the crowd, I can’t emphasise enough just how good this looked, 10 times better than the BBC preview.  Even S was stunned, L didn’t believe that it was a TV program (she thought I was playing a 360 game), the whole thing was just so “solid” in front of your eyes.  I was as happy as a pig in shit.  SD is for girls and gays, HD is where the real men live.  At one point it showed a camera angle from inside the posts as a goal was scored, I hadn’t had anything to drink, honestly, but I swear I wanted to dive and try and save it.  No words can do it justice.  I was worried that S would be disappointed with the whole thing, her eyesight isn’t the best and she just doesn’t get technology, but it is impossible not to be impressed.  I’m sat in work and I can’t wait to get home and watch some HD football.

So you can probably gather that I’m happy with my purchase but there is one big problem with all this.  Is it worth the money?  The box itself?  Without a doubt, the technology is incredible everything you would hope it would be.  As soon as there is more true HD content you will never want to watch a normal picture again.  The problem is the £10 a month, Sky have been bone idle with the programming they supply and it is apparently this that your £10 pays for.  No exclusive content and a quality that just isn’t as good as the BBC channel which is after all paid for through license fees.  It looks like Sky are going to make a lot of money from the fact that the BBC are providing top notch HD coverage and it doesn’t seem fair, least of all to those of us who are already paying a license fee and a Sky subscription.  If Sky dropped the £10 a month extra than this would be the must have item of the year, they say its as big as the difference between B&W and colour, well I’d still watch a B&W film, when there is enough HD content there is no way I’ll be watching any SD programs.  Until then it’s a luxury toy with a high show off factor.

Did I mention I’ve got Sky HD?  Get in there!

You can’t believe all your read.

There’s me harping on about not being able to run off acute chest pains; well it turns out I was talking complete bollocks.

I was at the Gym today and I was 8 mins into my session on the cross trainer trying to breathe through the pain. So I thought bollocks to this and started running harder. Sure enough after beasting (Army Term) myself for another 12 mins I had ran through the chest pain and a stitch as well.

Obviously the harder you work, the more pressure in your heart and anything in the way, just get’s pushed out. Simple.

I even managed 300 crunches and 1500m on the rower with no ill effects.

Here endeth the revised lesson.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Something Really Funny

You know what’s funny?

Things that make you laugh; they have me in stitches. Especially if you start laughing at them and then think about the funny thing that made you laugh in the first place, that makes you laugh even harder.

I like laughing it makes me happy.

As you can tell it’s Monday, I’m at work and bored silly.

I can’t think of anything else to write about.

Anyway, I’m going for a wander around the office and I might read the paper upstairs.

Top Heart Tip

If you wake up with acute pain in your chest, which get’s worse during the walk to work, don’t go to the Gym to try and “run it off”, this only works with stitches.

Plus you look a right coooont on the cross trainer clasping your chest.

Here endeth the lesson.

Daddy Day Weekend Review

Let’s start with a quote in the paper:

When Sir Paul McCartney was asked, “If he would go down on one knee again?”

He replied, "I'd rather you call her Heather, and no."

Anyhoo, back to the review.

Friday was the Betting Syndicates Day out. As usual I set a fast pace on the drinking, mainly because the lads were talking football, and as I couldn’t join in it made sense to drink. Plus I had hold of the kitty.

We then had few games of Pool, followed by Arrows, and then retired to play cards. At this point, I was up to 10 pints in 4 hours. As you can guess, I was was coooooonted. Everyone else was up to going to the Casino to play cards for money, but I decided that I best get myself home.

So it was a good afternoon, and I enjoyed myself, and won all the pool games and darts.

Saturday was Rugby day; I watched the Ireland v New Zealand game, followed by the England v Australia game, and then the Scotland v South Africa. England were awful and Ireland the best of the home nations.

Saturday evening, my sexy wife and I made a meal, drank wine, cuddled on the sofa and watched a film, one of the best evenings we’ve had in a long while.

Sunday was Daddy’s day. The start of which was delayed waiting for the baby to wake up (10:30 he finally stirred). We then went for Sunday Lunch at the Terminus Tavern, which was the best Sunday Lunch I have ever had outside of cooking it ourselves. I highly recommend it.

The other highlight of the day was watching Wigan v Catalans and seeing Wigan win…

I got two cards, two T-Shirts, a pair of Jeans and new Swimming Shorts, so a big thank you to two of my kids and my very sexy wife. Least said about the eldest one the better.

Hope all the Daddy’s out there had an equally good day.

Friday, June 16, 2006

It ain’t going to be pretty

I took yesterday off on a sickie, I decided I had only had two all year, and that I was due another. So I tweaked my quadacep muscle playing Rugby on Wednesday evening, which was all the excuse I needed to take the day off.

I spent a glorious morning playing video games….

However, today I had to come in as it’s our work’s betting syndicate day out. We are off on the piss from 12.00 on our winnings for the year, a grand total of £316 between the 4 of us. Of course if we had just put the £5 a week each in to a savings club, we would be going out with a kitty in the region of £2000… still, where would be the sport in that?

The only thing I’m concerned about is the amount of drink. The other three lads are big boys, not one of them is under 16 stone… I on the other hand am an athletic lithe 12 stone of pure muscle. Simple physic’s states that I have a much lower body mass to absorb the alcohol than the other bigger boyz. As long as I last till 5.00pm, I shall consider it a victory.

Baring in mind that one of the lads has three pints of larger every day for his lunch….

Still it should be an excellent afternoon of Pool, Cards, Darts, food and drink….

As for the weekend, it’s Daddy’s Day on Sunday. So don’t forget to get the daddy in your life something to show him, how much you appreciate all he’s done for you. Can someone send me a text pretending to be my eldest, as I never get anything of him….

Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


It is probably a dream come true to most blokes, my Telecom Account Manager has invited me to the local Wine Bar tomorrow night to watch the England game on a Big Screen TV with FREE drink and food thrown in.

Could it get any better?

Actually Yes, it could be Rugby instead of poncey Football.

Therefore, I shall not be going for two reasons.

  1. It’s football and I don’t like football

  2. It’s FREE drink, I’ll be drunk and making a fool of myself within an hour

Never mind, roll on the Rugby World Cup 2007.

OH ! I forgot to mention, I was told to bring a mate...... [sit's back and waits for the emails...]

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

What a Greedy Bastard I am.

We sat down last night with some nibbles, i.e. a selection of Indian food to munch at whilst watching a DVD.

I had two full plates and was stuffed to the gills. However, once Princess said she had had enough, I looked down and there were still tones of perfectly good food left. I hate throwing food away, so I piled up another plate full of by now cold Indian food and slowly ate it all.

Of course, by the time it was bedtime I could hardly move.

In fact, I had a terrible night’s sleep, as I was uncomfortably full.

I shall endeavor from now on, just to put food in the bin…

As for the DVD Hoboken Hollow… what a weird DVD. Lots of torture and blood and gore.

Later Days

Live Coffin Web Cam

Honestly, this is real. We hadn’t heard from one of the lads that write on this blog for a while and had naturally assumed he had kicked the bucket.

Whilst debating who get’s what from his estate, I mentioned that he would have wanted his Bird Table Web Cam to be buried with him, as it was his pride and joy.

This then led to the idea of installing the web cam in his coffin, to slowly watch his corpse decay over the years. But of course with the Internet, if you can think of a good idea, you are already too late, it’s been done before.

So alas another money making scheme goes up in flames.

Oh! As for the missing bloggist, he was holed up in his money vault counting his .Com millions. Bastard!

“Few men have the natural strength to honour a friend's success without envy.”

Monday, June 12, 2006

What a Fantastic Week Off.

I sat in work on Monday morning looking outside at the glorious sunshine, and after a brief look to see the forecast for the rest of the week, I thought; Fuck This for a game of Soldiers…

So I took the rest of the week off.

And what a fabulous week it was, it really felt like a full overseas holiday without the expense for travel. I would rate it as my best holiday ever.

The sunshine was endless, and the booze was flowing. The laughter and general gaiety was boundless.

We spent hours and hours down beaches, in Parks, eating takeaways and lots of ice-creams.

The highlight of the week was the BBQ we threw at a moments notice on Friday evening. I made a lorry load of homemade burgers and Maxine out did her self in home made Potato Salad, Coleslaw, Chicken and beef kebabs, salads etc… There was enough food to feed an Army. Plus tonnes of people turned up with loads of kids. We had very little tears from both young and old. No one ran out of food or drink, and we had a great laugh. An excellent evening in all.

Alas it was all over this morning, back at work.

Friday, June 09, 2006


You would think that a grown man of 'Life begins...' age would learn, huh? But no – I seem incapable of even the most basic care and attention that the rest of you lot seem to manage without thinking about it

I got sunburnt last Saturday. A beaute, too. Glowing red lobster, tender, succulent, done to a crisp, medium to well done, flamin great roasted to a tee Sunburn. Sat out in my back garden, book in hand, fresh lemonade on hand, soaking in the rays in the suntrap. Did I get any suncream on me? What – with the TV adverts streaming a constant '3 for 2 offer, we wouldn't let our children step into the cancerous sunshine' message?

No, I didn't. I was Ray Winstone in Sexy Beast twice over. I was colour me sulfur. I had a healthy sellafield complexion. People stopped in the street and whispered 'ouch'. And So - I endured the comments and remarks about 'catching the sun' (and being half baldy I have more to catch . . .) and braced myself for the next days tender soreness.

And yes – it was sore. That heat radiating, sleep with a wet towel over me, sore. But hey, bit of pain and all that, soak it up and get on. Am I right?

Well – I was totally unprepared for the next few nights, wasn't I. No amount of anti-histamine lotion and cool baths were gonna save me from the next series of agonies. It's the fifth or fourth circle of hell. It's the night attacks of needle sharp invisible hornets. So random, and irregularly every 20 to 30 seconds or so. Absolutely impossible to sleep thru – so I resorted to watching late night TV and drinking Absinthe and blackcurrent until I was numb enough that I couldn't feel the spikey itchey painey and could collapse into a fitful, drink sodden sleep.

Will I learn? Will I buggery. Already the peeling has taken on leprous proportions as I leave great wads of skin wherever I sit, stand or pee. And already I'm planning to meet the boys and girls out tonight, down Bushy's tent for a few ciders, looking forward to the weekend and getting out to 'top up' the red bits.


Thursday, June 08, 2006


You know when you wake up in the middle of the night and you've just had a terrifying nightmare that you can't quite remember?

And the room is pitch black and the Quilt (Duvet/Comforter/Blanket/Cover etc) has slipped down and you can feel the cold night air against your slick skin?

And you know that Zephar, the Grand Arch-Duke of Hell is stood at the bottom of the bed, his scaled skin gleaming from the glow from his flaming eyes; he's waiting for you, ready to summon his Legions of Demons from the pits of the Underworld to come and consume your soul. But you can't turn over, you can't face him.

So what do you do? That's right, you pull the Quilt up over you, covering your trembling torso from the inky darkness.

And what does Zephar think of this?

"F*ck me, not another f*cking Quilt. I'm sick of this sh*t. Oh well, down the pub again lads"
[sound of cheering from 10,000 p*ssed up Demons]

Hey, no one said it was easy being Satanic.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Bugger All to tell you.

Nothing much is happening at all. We are very very very skint at the moment, however, we are not worried about that. Mind you, although we are not worried, it does mean that I can’t buy anything new, unless it is essentials, i.e. Wine, Cinema Tickets etc..

The TT is coming along nicely and more and more bikers are turning up. There were approx 50,000 visitors to the TT last year, which is a hell of a lot of people to cram on to an Island that is only 13 miles wide. For your information the Population of the Island is 76,315 as at 2001 (which was the last census).

Although I don’t particularly like the actual racing, the buzz around the Island is fantastic. Everyone is just out to have a good time, and there’s never any trouble. If anyone is ever thinking of holidaying on the Island, you should consider coming when the TT is on.

More information on Isle of Man Statistics can be found here.

I still can’t understand everybody at work, fascination with Big Brother 2006. Are all the girls running around naked? Do you see Imogen Topless? That’s the only one I know as one of the lads keeps going on about her. I have just been told there is also a ropey old tart called Lea with and incredible set of top bollocks. Lea’s breast are apparently, and I quote here, “largest breast implants in the UK”. Aw well, each to their own.

I prefer House, and Bones.

That’s it really, the weather is great at the moment, and so I might actually get the kids down the Glen and tickling some fish over the weekend….

Have a good one everyone.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

£14.50 Bastards

My usual stylist is on holiday and as such I had to go to a Men’s Hairdresser this lunch time to get my flowing locks trimmed and coiffured.

The hairdresser was pleasant if rough, but still acceptable.

Although why oh why they bother talking to me I’ll never know. I’m not the most chattiest of people, still waters running deep and all that, so they always start off asking questions, but invariably give up after 5 mins on one word answers.

“So, on your Lunch hour?”, “Yes”.

“Going anywhere nice for a holiday this year?”, “No”.

“Been to watch the bikes yet?”, “No”.

You get the idea…. Give up son, I just want a fricking haircut in peace.


“How much is that then mate?” £14.50……

For 6 mins of running a hair clipper over me????

For fuck sakes, where’s your mask you highway robber…

Thieving gypsy Pikey Scummer fuckers…

Sharon is deffo getting a big bunch of flowers and wine when she get’s back, as she saves me a fortune.