Fuck Off Manx Telecom You Fuckers

I should have my feet up now watching whatever bollacks is on TV BUT i'm still working. Why? Because of fucking bastard cunting Manx Telecom and there robbing shitty fucked up broadband service.

Once 5 o'clock comes and people start turning in from work my £30 a month internet connection gets screwed in the ass by the number of networks that have popped up recently. Lower your fucking contention ratio you cunts!!! 50:1, 2mb, £30 a month, you should all be lined up and shot until it really fucking hurts. Seeing as how the numb-nuts around here are too stupid to secure their networks by rights I should be stealing their connections but that wouldn't be fair would it? Anyway it's not their fault, if the Ward family really need a broadband connection so that their daughter can use MSN (looks like Manx Telecoms sales staff have been working overtime around here) then so be it, good luck to them, but I'd appreciate it if Manx Telecom might like to consider its existing customers before telling a whole fucking neighbourhood of feckless idiots that they really NEED broadband. My download speeds hover around 4k for 5 minutes before the entire connection hangs and I need to turn the whole lot of and on. This gets very boring, really quickly.

So a special message just to the monopolistic telecoms provider on the Isle of Man, for fucks sake please stop selling broadband to people who don't need it, make your contention ratio reasonable, increase speeds and lower your rip-off prices. Cunts.

(This post took 2 resets, it started clean, honest)

The Best Office In the World?

Work has been a struggle over the last 2 weeks, what with L being off on her Easter hols and all that. She's no bother really but between taking days off and feeling guilty about putting my headphones on to get in the "zone" I haven't got much done. So when my mum offered to have L for the day yesterday I took it as an excuse to.....go fishing!

I've got a website that I need some fresh ideas for so figured what better way to refresh the old grey stuff than a days fishing combined with some zen style brain emptying. So I packed my fishing gear, a PDA and headed for my home town, Peel. After spending 20 minutes finding a comfy rock to perch on I started fishing, wrong tide, wrong wind, wrong bait but I didn't care, for 6 hours I relaxed, caught nothing but was as happy as a pig in shit. At the end of the day I've got some ideas for changes to the site, hands that smell, ice-cream staines and a genuine Manx arms and neck sun tan. If somebody could arrange to sort out some wireless access for me I'd be happy going there to work everyday.















Sorry about the quality of the pictures, I had to use my phone because even though I'd brought the digical camera with me I forgot a sim card. I've only just thought about using the PDA camera now, mainly because at times I can be a shit-for-brains.

Suited and Booted

Toilet Advice:
Don't try to wipe your ass if you're wearing a suit jacket.

I'm currently working on a short term contract for a telecoms company. And it's the kind of place you have to wear a full suit, shiny shoes and a silk tie.

So, while everyone was in the kitchen getting coffee, the Sales Manager came up to me;
"I'm assuming you don't normally wear a suit jacket to work?" he asked
"How did you guess?" I replied
"You've got shit all up the back of it"
"Tell me about it", I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"Are we talking about a visit to the little boys room?" he guessed
"Yeah, I just couldn't make any progress at all while cleaning up. Every time I tried to wipe, the flap at the back got all mixed up in the action. It was a nightmare!"
"Try taking the jacket off first. Hang it on the back of the door"

Sounds obvious now.

"Yeah! Of course!" I said "I guess that kind of thinking explains why you earn the big bucks"
"No problem" he smiled
"Only thing is; my wife has sowed my jacket to my pants so I don't lose it. I'd have to get totally naked"
"Okay, this didn't really happen did it?"
"No. Pity though."

And Finally

This will be the last time I mention being sick but I thought I'd better share this.

Not only have the pills that I was prescribed had no effect at all on my symptoms but they've killed my stomach, politely they've gave me an upset "tummy", in reality I've got the screaming shits. I'm now not only enduring a bastard annoying headache and having the odd blackout but every 20 minutes I've got to go and nuke an area the size of New York with my toxic ass. I repeat again, Doctors are coooooonts. Time for the babywipes and extra soft cushions I think.

Doctors

I phoned yesterday, first of all I was offered an appointment to see my own Doctor on the 18^th of April so I passed on that. Went to see another doctor yesterday afternoon and it went something like this:-

Doctor – “So what’s the problem”

Me – “I’ve had a bad headache for over a week now and it’s causing me to black out and breathing difficulties”

Doctor – “Hmm, looking here you’ve never reported headaches before?”

Me – “That’s because I don’t like coming to the doctors”

Doctor – “Oh, ha ha ha, I think 2 weeks should do it”

Me – “Excuse me? 2 weeks what?”

Doctor – “2 weeks off work, here I’ll…”

Me – “You’re not quite getting my problem here are you, I work for myself, I don’t want signed off, I’d like to feel better so that I can work?”

Doctor – “Ok then” Checks heart, blood pressure and breathing

Doctor – “Everything seems normal, I’ll prescribe you some anti-inflamitries and these jobbies which will sort out the dizziness”

Me – “Oh right, any idea what’s up then?”

Doctor – “Could by any of a lot of things really, your eyes, an ear infection, stress”

Me – “I don’t feel stressed and you said my blood pressure was ok, wouldn’t it be an idea to check my ears and eyes ?”

Doctor – “Try these first and then if you’re not happy in a few days come back, bye”

Me – “Well I’ll see you in a few days then”

THE END – They have no idea why I can’t breath and blackout but it obviously doesn’t warrant looking at
Doctors are useless, they are only good for dishing out sick notes. Cunts.

Is there a doctor in the house?

I hate going to the doctor, probably more than anything else ever. I'd rather go shopping around Tescos on a Sunday than go to the doctor so I'm going to need a little help with my symptoms:-

• Pounding headache


• Everything above my neck feels swollen, it feel like I'm growing horns from my temples


• Dizziness and throwing up


• At least 2 blackouts a day, for no more than a few seconds though


• Difficuly breathing


• Polar heart monitor says my heart rate is very fast


• By far the wierdest, I can't yawn. I feel tired, I try to yawn and then half way through my body just stops. It then takes 3 or 4 more goes before I can complete my yawn

I've had this for the last couple of days now, I thought it was a hangover at first but this is a new one on me, I'm guessing that this is what a migraine feels like? I've never had one so I'm not sure, anybody whose ever had a migrane like to comment?

Sleep, Spelling and Nothing

I’ve been saying this for years…. I’ve been sleeping with my wife for something like 6/7 years, I’m sure she’ll remember exactly, and I still can’t get a good night sleep whilst she’s in the bed. I’ve always said we should have two beds, and finally the scientist’s have confirmed my theories.

It’s just not natural having someone that close to you when you are trying to sleep.

Whilst I’m on at you, I am getting lazier and lazier on this spelling malarkey, I just put down some approximate looking or sounding letters and let Word sort it out for me. I must stop doing that. Spelling has never been my strong point.

I have desperately trying to get a blog post out for a few days now, but absolutely nothing is popping in to my brain. I get the odd idea when drunk, but come the next day at work, I can’t remember anything.

Spring Is In The Air

It looks like Spring has actually arrived today, all of the signs are there. It's not the obvious ones I look out for though, you can ignore the sound of lawn-mowers, the sight of Swallows dancing merrily in the air, the one thing that signals spring to me is the start of the great Chav mating ritual.

Throughout every council estate in the land people start to gather at front doors, a cup of tea and fag for the lady, can of Carling for the boys, Stella I'll-Twat-Ya for the men and not forgetting the Blue Wicked for the young uns. Good on them, without this annual ceremony how else would affairs start between neighbours and the 13 year old from next door get pregnant? It's one of the last great British institutions and I think we should all fight to protect it.

TT 2007

TT 2007: for once I’m really looking forward it to this year. It’s not as if I usually hate it, apart from the shitty Fair that charge’s £5 a go for a 1 minute ride. Fuckers. You then have the kid’s whinging to go down to the fair, and you have to constantly tell them, to ask their other Parents, but that’s another story.

Even the fact that my little Bro & his missus are coming over isn’t the only reason for my optimism.

It’s just that this year is my year to really enjoy everything as much as I can; even I have to wear those Rose Coloured Glasses I bought on eBay.

Especially since this year is the centennial of the event, and so far 19,500 motorbikes alone are booked on to the ferry service. Add to that the thousands of other people that are coming it should just be a fortnight of Fun.

It’s the one time of the year that the Island comes to life, with events staged all over the place. Plus this year the kids are older, so they have less looking after.

Oh yes I am deffo looking forward to this years event..

300

Took a long lunch break today, mainly because I couldn't wait any longer to watch 300. To summarise it's about a battle between 300 Spartan soldiers and the entire Persian army. Spartans are hard as, the Persian are all a bit airy fairy, so a pretty good ruck goes on for almost the whole 2 hours.

I'll warn you now, if there is an opposite of a chick flick, then this is it. We have naked lady flesh, blood, guts and every single death is in slow motion with extra added blood spray as a bonus. There are a few emotional bits, well I say that but they're all happy dying so there isn't really any emotional attachment between the characters. If you prefer your films to be "for the critics" then this may also not be for you, me, I bloody loved it! A complete and utter old school action flick without the compulsery hour of shite that they seem to have to put in these days to keep the ladies happy. This will be a must have for my DVD collection.

Favourite dialog:-

Spartan King: "I trust that scratch hasn't made you useless?"
Spartan Whose Just Lost An Eye: "Hardly my lord, it's just an eye, the gods saw fit to grace me with a spare"

Score:-
Historical Accuracy - 0/10
As a Film- 9/10 (It would have got a 10 if there would have been more lesbians)

Saturday Night Live

I can’t wait. Saturday Night a select few of the most handsome gentlemen on the Isle of Man are out on the lash. These are not any ordinary fine-looking lads; these could be described as “The Manx Lads”.

We’ll be meeting early to dish out the Shitty Sticks, which are compulsory for fighting off the Ladies. We’ll start off with a few quiet drinks, throwing ideas around for our next Internet Domination Plan, and then before we know it, we’ll be surrounded by countless leggy blondes, all teeth and silicone, with little fanny pelmet’s and FMB’s.

That’s when the Shitty Sticks will appear, and we’ll open up a can of Whoop Arse on their East European tight arses. We’ll whittle out the chaff and be left with the top totty.

Then we’ll retire to the Snug, and allow them to ply us with drinks all night. As the midnight bell tolls, we’ll disappear in to the dark, with the chicks wondering, “Who were those Manx Hunks?”

That’s Plan A, Plan B is to meet up, drink beer, drink more beer, talk bollocks all night, try and make it to the Kebab Shop and walk home eating Chips, Cheese & Gravy.

I’m happy with either plan; it’s absolutely ages since I’ve been out on a Saturday night with my mates.

Sennheiser PXC 300

I was lucky enough to get these for Christmas from my fantastically generous and gorgeous wife.

When I first got them I thought they were the dogs bollacks, but the price of batteries combined with my lack of funds over the last month meant I couldn't use them properly. I've just stocked up on AAA batteries, turned up the volume and... fucking heh. The sound is awesome.

If you're listening to your music on anything less you're either a girl or a hoey.

Money For Nothing

Last night, the popular TV Program 'Tonight with Trevor McDonald' was championing the cause of these poor unfortunates who have lost a fortune due to the Banks providing Equity 'scams' in the 90s.

For example; one chappie took £2 from Barclays and now owes them £5million. Or something.

It all tugs at the heart strings and all, but to be honest, it's the usual run of greedy, whinging bastards who thought they were onto a free lunch.

Consider the following conversation
Greedy Whinging Old Bastard: Hello, Mr Bank. I'd like some money
Facist Financial Corporation: Er, sure. How much?
Whinger: I'd like £20,000 now. And then you pay me £400 every month for the rest of my life
Facist: Ok....how much were you thinking of repaying us each month?
Whinger: Nothing. Zip. Nada. Bugger all.
Facist: I see. So we give you £20,000 now and (assuming you live another 20 years) a further £96,000 and you don't repay us anything?
Whinger: Correct.
Facist: Er....
Whinger: But I own a house. It's worth £100k
Facist: Hmm. How about this: sign 75% of it over to us. We'll let you live in it rent free for the rest of your life, guaranteed
Whinger: What if house prices go down as some people predict and I live another 30 years? You'll lose an absolute fortune. The interest on £20,000 alone will amount to tens of thousands.
Facist: WE'LL TAKE THE RISK. We're nice like that.
Whinger: Sounds good to me (you dumb bastards)
Facist: It's a deal

Whinger dies 4 years later (while driving the Lexus he bought for £20,000)

Whinger's children: The house is now worth £200k. And our beloved parent only got £20k from the bank. So basically, they've made a killing and we've lost our inheritance.

QED: Banks must be twats

Pay Reviews

Although I had a great weekend, what with Wigan winning, Sale Sharks drawing (which is a hell of a lot better than they have done for the last 8 games) and all the other Rugby that was on.

Not to mention a lovely Mother’s Day and playing with the kids, there was something on my mind most of the weekend, especially when I wasn’t doing anything and the brain wanders.

You see at work, I accidentally came across the MD’s encrypted email, with a password protected spreadsheet that showed what everyone’s wages are, what they will be after the pay increase, and of course everyone’s Bonus for last year and this.

Then after stumbling upon it, the email accidentally decrypted and then the password, just sort of popped in to my head.

I don’t really mind what other people get, good for them, everyone needs to look after themselves. But what really get’s me is the fact that as the only IT person in the company, I’m treated as an unnecessary extra. They don’t see me as adding anything to the whole. Only three people didn’t get a Bonus this year, one is leaving it a month, one only joined 3 months ago and ME, who has been here 4 years, without getting a bonus.

Christ even the Cleaner got £25 out of petty cash…………

By pay increase is derisory. £500 squid, when the average is around £1500.

But what can I do?

At least when I walk in to the little meeting we all have to explain the pay review, I won’t be expecting anything. I will be forewarned and forearmed.

So I need to have my rant prepared and then I’m going to storm out at the end, saying I’m going home….

Then my plan for the rest of the year is to do as little as possible and concentrate on winning the lottery or finding some rich ailing relatives.

I’ve lost my built up rage, so I can’t be arsed finishing this blog.

Programmers - We don't (quite) know everything

Just because I'm a programmer doesn't mean I can fix your:

- video recorder
- mail merge
- network share
- phone system
- excel spreadsheet

Actually, I can. But that's beside the point.

Everything in the world, from you mobile phone to your dishwasher has a computer chip in it and, therefore, sofware. Doesn't somehow make it my responsibility.

After all, you wouldn't ring up Mr. Intel and ask him to come round and fix your Microwave Oven.

And why not?

Coz he'd tell you to fuck off.

Anybody Had a 10% Pay Rise Over The Last Year?

Things like this really get on my tits. Has anybody really had a 10% pay rise this year? Come on, own up! In reality a few high flyers who more likely than not work 7 days a week, have no life outside of work and have sacrificed years of their life towards their career have had huge performance related pay rises, whilst Average Joe gets the best part of sweet FA (1-2% at most).

What bugs me is that these figures are only used for 1 thing (except for giving the government another excuse for one more job for the boys), to justify pay rises in the public sector! I can just see all the civil servants now "but I only had 4% this year"*, it will be straight to the union, the union who also happen to be civil servants hmmmm I see a flaw there. A full 25% of the entire working population on the rock is employed by the public sector, thats 1 in 4 working people, or 10,000 out of a population of 80,000. That leaves another 30,000 to pay for 50,000. Ignoring the fact that public sector pay is already better than the private sector (for roughly equivalent jobs), I can guarantee bigger pay rises this year, a greater gap in salaries between them and us, and a much bigger pension liablilty for the other 3 quarters of the working population to cover. Bastards.

*Ignoring the increment that every civil servant not at the top of their scale gets, which more likely brings it closer to 6-7%

Note To Self

When it comes to building your business, there are 4 words that should be echoing in your mind throughout the day; they are “Do it Fucking Now.”

We’re not talking about checking your stats or your RSS reader incessantly throughout the day. And we’re not talking about surfing MySpace, Digg, Blogs, Fark, Television or some other time waister.

We’re talking about developing your online properties and applications. We’re talking about creating new campaigns to drive links and revenue. When we say “Do it Fucking Now”, we’re talking about those tasks that you keep putting off which, when completed, will start putting more money in the bank.

So stop looking at blogger and Do it Fucking Now.

A tribute to the Cuckoo

This is the first poem and only poem my Dad taught me as a small child. I have never forgotten it and I taught it to my eldest and I look forward to once again passing it down to my youngest.

The Cuckoo

The Cuckoo is a most peculiar Bird
As it sit’s upon the grass.
With its wings neatly folded
And its beak up its arse
In this queer position it mutters, “twit, twit”
Cause its hard to say “Cuckoo” with a beak full of shit!

Thank you Father.

Inconsiderate

There are different levels of inconsideration, such as not looking behind you as you walk through a door, to see if you need to keep the door open for someone behind you. For some reason, that one really get’s to me. I think it’s because I lived in Germany for 4 years, and the boxheads never do it. They just walk through and let it slam in your face, but don’t get me going on boxheads.

Anyhoo, one of my moments on utter inconsideration, came whilst I was in the Army and had been tasked with providing the signal’s or radio support for the Army Cross Country Ski Marathon in Austria. These athlete’s had been training for a year to build up their stamina and endurance for what is a gruelling 100 km course in minus 15 weather conditions.

Anyway, the night before the 4.00 am start, I briefed everybody on their locations, call signs, SOP’s etc and thought we should all go for a beer before hitting the sack and getting an early night.

Of course, if you get 12 Army lads, just going for a quick beer and then bed, well then you haven’t really got 12 Army lads. Our quick beer turned out to last several hours and we finally got back to the Camp at 3.00am. As everyone was meant to be getting up at 4am we decided it wasn’t worth going to sleep, so we sat around chatting and finishing off some beers.

Of course the competitors weren’t impressed, and kept shouting at us to shut up, which we would for 2 or 3 mins and then start getting louder and louder.

Anyway, I would like to apologise to all those who took part in the Army Cross Country Ski Marathon around 1988, I’m sure the last thing you needed every 20km was some hung over, beer stinking squaddie breathing all over you as he clipped your Checkpoint card.

Sorry

Regret's, No Actually I don't

I was going write a humorous blog post on all the things I have regretted doing in my life. However, two things stop me

1. My wife reads the blog


2. I regret nothing

One thing I have learnt other the years is that second guessing yourself, and self reflection are for wasters. You can’t change the past so what’s the point of worrying about it? I believe the person I am now, is the sum total of my life experiences, both the good and bad.

Trust me I have done a “few” things that should cause me pause for thought, but fuck it, too late now.

So I regret nothing.

As one of my friends is want to say,

“There is nothing so over rated as a bad shag, and nothing so under-rated as a good shit”

Hope everyone remembers it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday……….

Inane Drivel

Thank Christ it’s Friday at last. This week has dragged and dragged, and finally the end is neigh. I can’t be bothered to do any work today, hence the blog post that isn’t actually going to be about anything.

I had a lovely walk to work this morning (I warned you this post would be banal), the Sun was pretty much shinning, the birds may or may not have been singing (as I had my headphones on and listening to the “Best of Johnny Cash” I couldn’t hear). So the day started well, it’s that now I’m in work, I can’t be arsed to do anything.

I finally got notification, a month after my interview that I wasn’t successful in my application to that job I went for. This is a bummer, out of all the jobs I’ve applied for in the last 2 years, that was the only one I really wanted! So I have decided that I’m not applying for anymore jobs. I am just going to sit on this Gravy Train until I’m pushed or fall off. I get paid reasonably well, and I do very little (which is half the reason I want to move). At least I have made a firm decision, one way or the other.

I did “win” a Tier 3 award through work, which is our Employers way of making you feel like you are a valuable asset without actually costing them anything. I won mine for “Exemplary efforts during office systems migration and upgrading”, however, the secretary upstairs also won one for “Excellent claims handling service to ****** Insurance Limited”, where all she does is type out the minutes, print and post them. So you see how cooonting shallow and pointless they are. Yet there a brown nose cooooooonts around here that print them off (you get a little certificate) and pin them to their cubicle’s. TWATS.

I almost forgot, what with the idle ramblings of a bored person, I got a new wife last night. She’s a right looker as well. Who said, Blondes have more fun? Brunettes are right goers. I now have my very own LBFM.

Tonight, we have a couple coming round to taste my new wife’s culinary mastery, and of course sample some of our shop bought wines.

Saturday is an early Birthday for middle Son as he’s off on a School trip early Sunday, which is his actual Birthday.

Of course there is loads of Rugby on as well, this weekend.

That’s it. See ya.

You Can't Beat Free

Cable & Wireless had their Isle of Man Launch last night, with a Champagne Reception at a local Wine Bar. Being a leading light in the IT Industry on the Isle of Man, I was graciously invited and accepted in a similar manner.

I arrived bang on time, as is my way and settled in to my first glass of champers.

I soon realised I had diddily squat in common with the rest of the Free Loaders and so I found a nice corner near the bar and proceeded to drink as fast as I could.

I did get the odd stupid question put to me: “Would you like a top up Sir?” but they soon got the idea that the answer was always Yes.

At one point a representative of Cable & Wireless, who are going under the guise of Sure, did try to talk to me about the launch, but as she hardly spoke any English, I ended up ignoring her till she left.

I did ask her at the start of the conversation if she had been brought over by C&W to work here. She assured me that was not the case and that she was from the Isle of Man. No fucking way Love, was my reply, you off-white non English let alone Manx speaking come-over.

Anyway, 1 hour 45 mins after my initial arrival, I was well and truly pissed. I phone my good lady wife for a Taxi ride home, and went and positioned myself next to the finger food. Most people were taking one spring roll and a chicken piece at a time. I was grabbing them by the hand full until the call arrive to say she was outside.

I grabbed my bag of free goodies and left.

On that note: if you are going to throw in a USB flash drive, 64Mb is no use to fucking anyone……

It was a brilliant couple of hours, and you can’t beat free.

Retort to Michael

"What I need right now, is money, not long term investments"

Which is probably what you said 20 years ago when you were offered a Savings Plan that paid out a lump sum on your 40th.

The Moral: There can never be too many smart-arses in the world.

For a start Michael, I've virtually never had a steady income that's lasted longer than 4 years.. And there have been plenty of years where I've had no income.

20 years a go I was holding back the Red Army in war torn West Germany. I would be paid on the Friday and skint by Monday...... That was the Army way. If you had money left a week after pay day, you were charged, beaten, buggered and thrown in Jail.  

I live and have lived my entire life; a hand to mouth existence. It is the nature of my beast. Saving has never been an option, neither has forward planning, or birth control.

But thank you for your words.

As they say, words are cheap, either had over your savings or find me a high paying non-IT job.

Thank you

Useless Pension Plan

I've just tried to cash in the Invisimail Pension plan that is doing absolutely nothing.

Yet they, Zurich who run the plan, say I can't.

What's the point of that?

• I'm not paying in to it,


• I can't transfer it to my current work plan,


• I doubt I’ll live to see 60. (either my body or the planet will give up before then.)

In fact the pension age will no doubt be 95 if the fat cat city bastards have their way.

What I need right now, is money, not long term investments.........................

Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooonts

It’s Blatant False Advertising.

The window of our local Ann Summer’s has a huge sticker advertising their latest Remote Controlled Sex Toy: The Love Bug.

To Quote the Website:
Picture the scene: dinner à deux in your favourite restaurant when suddenly whoosh - vibrations so divine you're clenching the tablecloth in ecstasy. This deceptively powerful matt silver love egg features three speeds and four pulse settings, all operated by the remote control with a range of 6 metres. Whisper-quiet this baby works internally or externally for some serious clitoral lovin'.

However, as part of the advert there is a Remote control as used by Model enthusiasts, a huge black thing with a 1 meter aerial, that needs gripping in two hands. Yet go to the website and it’s a discreet little thing that will fit in your pocket.

I think they should have stuck with the huge one. That’s what men want, some oomph! Plus the other part, the bit that slips in to “wherever” should be petrol driven with a pull start. That bellows a cloud of smoke when going.

What is also curious is the statement: “Not for use in Cyprus” WTF is that all about?

El Laberinto del Fauno

I'm not sure whether I've ever scene a film with such gore and beauty; joy and sadness; gritty realism and the fantastic.

I'm not sure whether I can fault it.......nope.

For those who will never see the movie, the star is a little girl who may (or may not) be totally imagining the fantasy world of the Labyrinth.

The sadness of the film derives from this simple fact; her only happiness comes from something that doesn't truly exist.

She's obviously crazed.

This made me think: we accept so much as fact. Be it High Blood Pressure, Global Warming, Iraq or Victoria Beckham. And yet we will never 'see' these for ourselves.

And yet, if I were to see a Unicorn or ride on a Pegasus, then I would be a nutter.

At the end of the day, we are all entombed in the reality of our own minds. And to the little girl, the Labyrinth is real.

That's all that counts.

Pan's Labyrinth Review

A few of the Lads and I went to see Pan’s Labyrinth last night at the flicks.

This was a film I had been looking forward to since stumbling across a review on the Internet, months ago. However, the Isle of Man rarely get’s any “small” films, as the two cinema’s over here tend to play it safe with the mainstream blockbusters, and occasionally both cinema’s show the same film at the same time…

It had been up for 6 Academy Award Nominations, of which it won 3.

It rates at 96% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Even the BBC gives it 5 out of 5. That's almost as good as the Queen herself adding her thumbs up:

The trailer can be viewed here.

Finally and I quote:

“Del Toro's trademark visual flair gets its finest ever chance to shine, rendering the tale onscreen so perfectly that the subtitles are barely needed. Every actor - most notably, Ivana Baquero's wide-eyed Ofelia and Sergi López's vicious, glittering Captain – excels. Compelling from first frame to last, Pan's Labyrinth never misses a chance to wrench, quell or quicken your heart: this visionary project propels Del Toro into the highest league of filmmakers. There can be no excuses. See this film.”

Anyway, all I can say is EXCELLENT.

I really enjoyed it and after 5 mins, I even forgot I was reading subtitles. It is a fantastic story, great acting and riveting. I would love to write a fantastic review, but words aren’t my forte. If you get a chance see it. However, I’ve hyped it up now, and you’ll be let down….

Middle Aged House Wives And Drugs

There's a class of person I hate more than any other. The lazy whinging middle aged lazy bitch house wife. Anybody whose entire "working" life has consisted of bringing up their own children (I still can't see how bringing up your own kids can ever be classed as work, is wiping your own arse classed as work as well, shouldn't there be a social security benefit for people who wipe their own arse?) and having lunch with the girls* should have the good sense to be fucking gratefull that they've had such an easy life.

I was in the gym this morning, I did a 14 hour working day yesterday so I deserved a trip to the gym, when one of the go every day, I married a succesful man 15 years older than me and he's kept me in everything I've ever needed since I was 20 women started ranting at the top of her voice about what a shit her husband was. What was the cause of this upset he'd caused her? Well, he'd only gone and said they can't go away at easter for her birthday because HE HAS TO WORK, she's got to settle with just having a big party for now and the holiday later on in the year! At that point I've never wanted to be a woman so much in my life, not to fondle my own breasts, but to just go over and twat her for being such a spoilt ignorant bitch. I hope he buggers off with the 20 year old secretary and leaves her with nothing.

On a slightly seperate note my bus trip home was great, I was treated to a couple of lads shouting about how much coke they've done in the last week. I learnt loads about the drug scene over here and where to get the good shit. Apparantely there's a ton of really good skunk going about at the moment, a few tokes and your dead on your arse. They then argued about who could get the most pills at the weekend, I think they settled at 400 by tomorrow night, so thats good. Anyway, the next time I hear one of the toss pot Manx politicians telling everyone about how much better life is over here I'll recommend that he tries taking a trip on the no 21 bus.

I'm off to get skunked up. (Is that how you say it?)

* A very lose use of the term girls, women who like to act and think of themselves as girls.

Great Night Out

I went out with a couple of the lads last night, and it started out very well as the Guest Bitter in the Railway was fantastic, really smooth, creamy and very drinkable. If you throw in the good atmosphere of the Pub, and great company I was in, it turned out to be a great start to the Night.

Some Paddy chick did come over to offer her opinion of the England/Ireland game (I was wearing my England Rugby top), from her accent though, she sounded Northern Irish, which would make her British not Irish.

We moved on to a couple of other Pubs, but none turned out to be as good as the Railway.

We finally ended up in the Rovers and the Bushy’s Bitter. It is here that the evening went slightly down hill, some how we ended up listening to Bruce Lee's fat scouse brother.

There is a saying: It’s better to remain silent and let them think you are an idiot, rather open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Unfortunately this fella didn’t have that wisdom. Within seconds of him sitting down, he was rabbiting on about his Karate and Judo. How he was dead hard and from Kirby…. Anyhoo: a class one idiot.

Luckily we were saved by last orders.

All in all it was an excellent evening.

Monsters

This is how all Paedo’s should be treated

Basically locked up and the key thrown away so they rot in Gaol.

“The US Supreme Court has refused to hear an appeal by a high school teacher from Arizona sentenced to 200 years in jail for possessing child pornography.

Morton Berger had claimed the sentence was so disproportionate to his crime it breached the constitution.

But he was living in Arizona when he was caught with thousands of images of child abuse on his computer.

The state has the nation's toughest laws on child abuse and exploitation.

Indeed, the prosecutor had asked for a 340-year sentence but the trial judge imposed the minimum of 10 years for each of 20 images - to be served consecutively for a total of 200 years without the possibility of probation, early release or pardon.

They argued the sentence was wildly disproportionate - much longer than that for rape or even second degree murder and claimed it amounted to cruel and unusual punishment.

The state of Arizona argued each image of child abuse was a separate crime so the sentences had to run consecutively.”

Fucking A… Lock the bastard up.

Vandals

I was reading the local free paper this weekend, and virtually every single page had at least one story of some thing getting vandalised. I hate vandals.

At least thieves make use of the stuff they take, but to just break something for the sake of it really get’s my goat.

http://www.iomonline.co.im/ViewArticle2.aspx?SectionID=870&ArticleID=2077498

If I ever catch any of my kid’s vandalising anything, by Christ they will wish they hadn’t been born.

Just thought I would mention it.

The Weekend that was.

Friday night we had the neighbours round for some food and drink. After an initial mix up with them thinking it was Saturday that they were coming over, they eventually turned up. Thank God, as my wife had sent hours preparing the food and setting the table. Anyway, after the delicious food, we retired to the living room.

Now Dave (the neighbour) is the most competitive person you have ever met. I’ve seen him playing the “Deal No Deal” DVD against his kids, laughing and poking fun at them when he wins (kids ages: 10,6 and 3). The man just wants to win everything at all costs. He had been drinking all night, knocking back the wine.

We suggested having a game of 10 Pin Bowling on the Wii. To add to Dave’s competitive steak, he is a huge Bowling Fan and regularly played and was a member of the local team. As soon as we started on the Game, he put his wine down and didn’t touch it again all night.

He was focused on winning, the rest of us were giving each other encouraging remarks, and congratulating each other on good shots. He didn’t utter a word.

The best bit of course, is where I beat him…………….

Anyhoo, it was a very good night.

Saturday, we collected my eldest and watched Rugby (don’t say a thing) and just messed around.

Sunday was pretty much empty. We were busy doing nothing all day, with no Rugby at all on the TV.

I did spend an hour helping my Mum’s next door neighbour migrating his files, from his old WinXp machine to a brand new Windows Vista Premium addition. Talk about chalk and cheese…. I would have loved to have spent a couple more just skeeting around, but I had to get home for tea.

That was it, nothing special, and it seems to have gone too quickly as usual.

I almost didn’t go for a run again this morning; I reset the alarm and snuggled in to the wife. I managed to get out of bed, even though someone was promising naughty things to tempt me back. I’m glad I did, I had a bit of a dickey tummy when I went to bed, and it still wasn’t right this morning. However, the run soon cured that.

I hope everyone had a good weekend and has a good week to come.

Err, come on Liverpool!

Despite being born on the Isle of Man a good 80% of my blood line is from Manchester, which means deep, deep, deep within me there is a hatred of Scousers. I can't help it, some people choose to hate them, mine is genetics. I do have a few scouse friends, being on Little Liverpool it's really hard to avoid them all. The one thing I've always stuck to though is that I have always wanted them to lose football games, no matter who they were playing. If they were playing Saddam's select XI I'd want the dirty scousers to get a hammering.

Last night though, during the Barcelona v Liverpool game something changed. It all started well, I sat there with the smuggest face that the Mayor of Smugville in Smugland could manage as Barcelona took the lead. I laughed at every Liverpool mistake , useless wankers. But as I watched more closely, something started to annoy me more than the Scouse. The lazy, diving, arrogant Catalonians. Now I know that Liverpool are hardly full of English players but it seems that playing in the English league instills in players a need to work, to try hard and to bloody well try and entertain. Barcelona's world famous stars we're happy to just stand there doing fuck all until they got the ball, got tackled and then roll three hundred times on the floor crying. Again, I know the Premier League is hardly devoid of falling over like fags but the continentals bring it to a whole new level, it is after all where diving and being injured was invented. It was funny to notice that the only Barcelona player to actually run his bollacks off was ex-Chelsea Gudjonsson who came on as a sub. After 20 minutes of this shite I decided that Liverpool deserved something, £100,000 a week footballers standing around doing sweet FA unless they are given the ball is a disgrace, they should be thrown out of the game, ok maybe a bit harsh, not paid then. So I was not upset when Liverpool scored first an equaliser and then a winner. I couldn't bring myself to cheer, but I cracked a smile. It was nice to see people getting something out of life because of the effort they put in.

What last night taught me more than anything is that we should limit the foreign players who play in England. It's not that we are limiting our young players, it's that we are teaching all these other nations how to play with passion, pace and desire. We know we're not the most skillful nation in the world but we have always got by on working harder, now we're showing other countries how to work hard we're screwed, and that's why we probably wont win anything in international football ever again, certainly not in my lifetime.

The other thing I noticed was that our TV producers are a world of difference better than the Spanish. I'll forgive them that the HD wasn't actual HD but how many times do you have to show a slow motion replay of a Barcelona Gay Boy throwing himself to the ground. Obviously ten isn't enough. Between that and the random crowd shots made me wonder if the Spanish have had TV long, is it a novelty to them, or maybe they're just useless?

Mental Toughness

Mental Toughness

I have pretty much done regular exercise since joining the Army at the tender age of 17. Obviously there have been times I haven’t, such as whilst travelling etc. But whilst in any one place for a length of time, I’ve either gone to a Gym or been a regular runner.

Since working for my current and shitte employer I have been going at least three times a week during my lunch hours. However, due to being extremely lacking in money, and trying to limit spending, I cancelled my Gym membership this year.

The last few weeks have been hell. I really have missed the exercise, I feel awful physically and mentally. So I decided it was time to hit the road again. So I set the alarm for 7.00am this morning, determined to go running.

Of course the Alarm went off, and although I was awake, I was lovely and warm and comfortable. So I rolled over and reset it to the normal time and then snuggled in to the wife.

I was just getting comfy when I mentally started shouting at myself for being a wimp. Come on lard arse get out of bed, you lazy bastard.

Well it worked, I jumped up donned my running attire and was out and on the streets in 5 mins flat.

Thank god I did, I feel great now, and the feeling of all those endorphins flying around my system is the drug I’ve been missing all these weeks.

Just patting myself on the back.

That is all.

Bank Charges Revisited

Thanks a million.

This goes out to all you smart asses who have managed to claw back those 'unfair' charges the Banks have made coz you were so dumb you went excessively overdrawn.

You harp on about being charged £50 for exceeding your pre-agreed overdraft and how you're fighting for the little guy against the nasty, greedy Banks; bullshit.

Well, the boss of Nationwide has come out and declared it would be fairer to charge EVERYONE for current accounts. No doubt the other Banks will happily agree with this.

Now I will have to start paying for my well run account coz of all those 'charge whiners' who are too thick to have an account in the first place.

The Banks have been itching for an excuse to charge for all accounts - their profits will soar.

Brilliant

Nothing much

What the hell has happened since I last blogged…

Well apparently I wasn’t as badly behaved as I thought I was on my birthday. Don’t get me wrong, I did upset some people, but not that badly really. So I really must be growing up.

I’m trying to think what’s come and gone, Valentine’s Day was very pleasant with the Lady Wife. Last weekend I was working for most of it and so I didn’t really do anything, apart from drink Wine in the evening.

The Sale Sharks game on Sunday was a cracker, even though they lost.

This week it’s my Father’s 64^th Birthday, so I’ll have to pop up there.

That’s it really. My Son is up on Saturday, which I’m really looking forward to as I have only seen him once this year.

The only other news is I had an interview the other day. It went really well, and lasted just over an hour. The really good part, was that they never got round to asking me any technical questions. We were just too busy chatting away. They are mainly interested, “so they say”, in someone who fits in to the team, rather than a technical wizard, although if they choose me, they get both.

The actual job sounds a thousand times better than this one. All I do all day is either nothing or fighting fires, at least at this new place, they do loads of projects on new technology and testing in labs…cool.

PLUS and here is the big one, they have TWO bonuses a year. You get your normal 10% each year, but they also put another 10% away as a loyalty bonus, which get’s paid to you in three years time if you are still at the company. So after the third year, you are getting two bonuses a year.

They were gob smacked when I told them I don’t get a bonus here as I don’t bring any revenue in.

Anyway, I’m not getting my hopes up at all, as that just leads to a big fall.

Things to look forward to

Pancake Day (today)

The Wife’s Birthday in a couple of weeks

Middle Son’s birthday the week after the wife’s.

Mother’s Day, the week after that.

Some hotter weather as well I hope, I just want to get out on the weekend‘s and do something.

Anyway, that’s it for now.

Mickey Mouse Police

As the Isle of Man slowly degrades into a scum bag shit hole (it's slow but it's happening) it's good to see that our very well paid, much better paid than the UK, police officers are upping their game to compensate.

Police seek information regarding damage to cars

"Information is being sought by police after a spate of vandalism in Douglas in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Three youths were seen vandalising cars along Westmoreland Road and Brighton Terrace at around 2am.

The youths are described as being in their late teens or early twenties.

PC Gary Smith from the Douglas Neighbourhood Policing Team said those persons responsible should consider how they would feel if someone damaged their property..."

First things first, they were seen vandalising cars, you can guess then that the Police were called. You can imagine the conversation at Police HQ, "fuck that for a laugh, we'll wait till Monday and and put a piece on the Manx Radio website asking them to think about their actions". Well done the boys in blue, that'll show the little scrotes. Have another fucking pay rise.

My 40th and the Fall-Out

It was my Birthday Party on Saturday, and the wife and I were joined by 5 other couples to celebrate the fact I am middle aged, yet look early 30’s.

The night started very well, an hour’s socialable drinking in the newly refurbished Railway. We split up in to them and us (girls and boys) and enjoyed a few pints. We then headed over to Coasters for the meal, well most of us did. The girls managed to leave behind one of their own, and it wasn’t till they had been sat down for 5 mins that this was noticed.

The meal in itself was uneventful, apart from the usual from Bin Bon. Initially her food was not what she thought it would be from the description, so she sent it back. Then the replacement food wasn’t cooked enough, so that was sent back, just an average meal with Bin Bon.

At this point I was getting merrily drunk on Guinness. Once the meal was over, we headed off for a couple in C’la vie. Nothing special here, just a couple of pints. We were only there about an hour at the most before it was closing time, with not really having a plan, we umed and arhed over what to do. We were going to invite everyone back to ours, but we knew we didn’t have much alcohol in. So the Doyle’s kindly suggested we all come back to theirs, which was really kind of them as they hadn’t met the rest of the people there, until that night.

We called a Taxi and waited 30 mins for it to show up. I jumped in the front and the rest clambered in the back. 2 mins in to the journey the taxi driver pulled in to the side of the road and stopped the cab. The people in the back could then hear him having a right go at me, and those that knew me were probably thinking, “WTF has he said now…..”

Actually, I thought I hadn’t said anything up setting….

To pass the time and just to be friendly, I jokingly said, “I don’t suppose you have any Mince Pies left over from Christmas as part of your in-flight entertainment?”

Well the old codger went ballistic, “If you are going to carry on like that, you can all get out. I’m not the pissed up one, I here just trying to do my job, I haven’t been drinking all night….” And on and on he went.

Obviously, we had already waited 30 mins in the cold, so no one elected to get out. We said nowt and he drove on.

As I was paying, I happened to say, “I’m sure you’ll understand if I don’t give you a tip, fella”.

Well off he went again, about Health and Safety (don’t ask me I haven’t a clue what that was all about) and all sorts, shouting and foaming at the mouth…

Anyway; we sat down and continue with the evening, with everyone assuming it was my fault as usual that I had upset someone.

It was at this point that the apologises need to be made. I APLOGISE TO EVERYONE, especially Lorna, who had never really met me before and was not, forewarned what a Cunt I am when drunk.

I decided in my wisdom that although merrily drunk, I wasn’t “drunk enough” for my special 40th birthday party. I therefore thought the only way to fix this temporary aberration was to drink neat vodka….

Yep, you know what’s coming next.

The thing is, when drunk I think of all these extremely funny things, and although witty and clever in my head, by the time they come out of my mouth, and of course know one else knows the back-story going on in my addled mind, they come out like I’m being a cunt.

So I might (read: did) say a few things I shouldn’t have.
So a normal Sunday morning, being really annoyed with myself, vowing I’ll never drink in other people’s company again.

Paulie B has lessened the blow with these words:

The old "I'm not drunk enough yet" chestnut, light speed to disaster, I'm sure you'll be forgiven soon enough.  If you're not allowed to play the c**t on your 40th then when are you heh?

So a good night was had by all for 80% of the evening and my apologises again to one and all.

PS. Thank you for all the gift’s, even Steve’s. I really wasn’t expecting anything. Cheers

Happy Birthday Mr Kangaroo

At last, your age has caught up with your appearance. May you have all the slippers and cardigans you ever dreamed of and may your prostate remain small and tidy.

If ever we want to hear "how it was in the good old days" we shall come directly to you.

M&S

40th Birthday and Job Rant

Well tomorrow actually, but I can’t wait till Wednesday, when I am official old and or middle aged. I shall be the 40; half my life gone and the other half to look forward too.

So if anyone wants to send gifts, please feel free.

I like those vouchers from the Bank of England or the Isle of Man Bank (yes we do have our own money), please.

Anyway on with the Rant:

I applied for a Job a few weeks back and heard nothing. Literally, no thank you for your application; no sorry you were unsuccessful on this occasion. Absolutely nothing.

Flicking through the paper over the weekend, I noticed that the exact same job was advertised.

I had mentioned to one of the lads at work that I had applied for a job at this Bank. They happened to mention that a mutual mate’s girlfriend worked there.

So I fired off an email to her asking was it worth re-applying for the Job as I had heard nothing after my first application.

Here is her reply:
I spoke to the IT Manager here, and he went and checked as they didn't receive a lot of responses for the position and he didn't recall your name. After checking, it appears that they have not received your application. Can you tell us how and when did you send in your application form? Perhaps others have not made it in to us either!

At the time I even rang the HR person up to ensure she had received my application and she said, Yes, I’m just taking it to the IT manager now…. Bollocks.

What she’s done is: quickly gone through the applications and thrown out the best. She’s then put her Sons/Cousins/Best Friends application on the top with a couple of no hopers.

This is the way, things work round these parts, and you just have to get used to it.

Anyway, I have now used the Old Boy Network to get my application in front of the IT Manager and hopefully with a good word or two thrown in.

Sweat Dreems

"This is not so much going out to the people sitting in the audience, it's more going out to the people sitting in my mind"

I had a funny dream last night.

I dreamt I was having a telephone interview for a job in England. The guy at the other end was asking me various techie questions and I was doing my best to sound intelligent.

But I noticed (in the dream) that the interviewer was very hesitant, taking ages to come up with the next question.

And then I had a sudden insight; I was dreaming! The reason the interviewer was so slow was that it was actually my subconscious mind providing the questions. I found this so strange and, bizarrely, I felt it definitely gave me an advantage.

But the next question from the interviewer caught me by surprise "Do you have any experience with Windows OS Turner?". Firstly, for the non-techies, this is like saying "Have you driven the new Ford Creambun?" - it's a stupid question, there's no such thing.

So, I took a risk, "Yes, I've used it extensively" I replied. Let's face it, if he called my bluff, I could just wake up.

Ha - that showed him.

You Tube Video

What’s all this with people putting Youtube video embedded in their Blogs?

Do they think they are clever?

Just asking for no particular reason.

Cool Jedi Dude

I'm a big fan of all things StarWars; the movies, the books...er, that's it. The movies and books. NOT the figures, I'm not some sort of weird geek boy.

And everyone knows, the Jedi and their Force powers are the best bit. Like when Obi-Wan approaches a door and, with a subtle swoosh of their hand, they cause it to 'magically' open WITHOUT TOUCHING THE HANDLE.

Well, I have recently attained Jedi status and can now perform this amazing feat of kinetic manipulation. It takes huge concentration and mental control and (so far) only seems to work on lifts and supermarkets - but I get a big buzz out of the admiration I see in people's eyes as they watch me perform my 'space magic'.

"Are you venturing into Marks and Spencers madam? Allow me"
And with a wave, the doors inexplicably spring apart.

So that was my Saturday afternoon. God, I looked so cool.

Doctors

I knew this would happen. Yesterday I was the sickest man on the planet. Everyone in the office was telling me to go home and you really need to go to the doctors. I felt like shitte.

So I bit the bullet and phoned the doctors for an appointment on Wednesday morning.

Would you believe it, that today I feel much better…. I tell you it’s a conspiracy.

I bet if I was to cancel it, 5 mins later I would be coughing blood through my ears…..

DJ's and Foot Rests

We went out on Friday night with my Dad, which is something I shall not be getting in to on here. But one thing did annoy me, and that was the Pub DJ. He was up rocking away to his own tunes, happy as Larry. Except that no one was on the Dance Floor. Surely if no one has got up in the first minute of a song, they are not going to suddenly decide, “Oh it’s Birdie Song that been playing for 2 mins, I really like that one, fancy a dance”.

Ok, he’s not going to know what genre is going to get the people up, but if the song is on for a minute and no-one get’s up, changing the fucking song.

There was one other rant, where are those brass foot rests gone that use to festoon Pub’s. Every time I went to get a round, it must have looked like I was riding an imaginary bike, as I try to nonchalantly place my foot on the rest that wasn’t there. You have to try at least twice in case you simply missed with the first one.

Her Majesty Kills 2 American Military Personnel By Going Down

A long title, but quite a good one I thought.

I was in the gym this morning maxing out my max, or plodding along like a fat bloke on a cross-trainer. I was watching the BBC News 24 channel when there was a report on about a recent battle, can't remember if it was Afghanistan or Iraq, wasn't paying that much attention. Anyhoo, the BBC have obviously invested in some sort of automatic subtitle machine, it's bloody marvelous, the report carried on something along the lines off "300 have been killed in a battle conducted by alliance forces in the Adskhsd area of somewhere, 2 American military personnel were killed...". Straight away I started to think, 300 is a very round figure for a battle, not 307 or 291 but 300 exactly, how strange, if I was a cinic i'd almost thing there was some sort of propaganda thing going on, especially as only 2 of the "Good Guys" got killed.

It was then that the report got surreal "...2 American military personnel were killed as her majesty went down during the battle". WTF. Now everybody knows that Blair doesn't mind getting out the anal lube where George comes a calling, but her Majesty giving head to American military personnel is taking this whole alliance thing too far!

Man Flu & Doctors

I have Man Flu. In fact I have Bronchial Tuberculosis with acute pneumonia. Or a very nasty “chesty cough”. I’ve had it now for 4 weeks and it’s doing my head in. I keep getting coughing fits, which almost cause me to puke.

It’s now moved to my head, and so my sinuses are full and my head is thumping.

I daren’t go to the Doctors, because the minute I get to the waiting room for my appointment, all my symptoms vanish. I walk in and meekly say why I’m there, and yet I look fine. So bollocks that, I’m not going to made a fool of again.

I’d rather spend all day and night annoying everyone around me.

And I'm the Bad Guy

I get called in by the bank, and talked to sternly for using most of my £2000 pre approved overdraft every month, and Ford go $ 12.7 billion in debt.

You tell me, who should have had the stern talking too, and made to feel like a naughty two year old.

Bastards.

You kill one man you are a murderer, kill a million and you are the President of the United States.

Consultants and Chairs

We’ve had this “consultant” over for the last three days, going round everyone’s desk and telling us all off for sitting incorrectly, using our keyboards incorrectly and holding the mouse wrong and in the wrong hand. He recommends that everyone uses their mouse with the left hand, as the number pad on keyboards, mean that the mouse is too far away and at the wrong angle. If it’s on the left hand side, it would be better.

Oh Right…

This fella, has managed to spin this out for 3 days, with flights and accommodation thrown in. Not to mention wasting everyone’s time (30/40 each at everyone’s desk). Then at the end of this he gives you a leaflet that explains everything he has just said, almost word for word….. WTF.

No wonder they have no pennies left for my Bonus.

Of course what he tells you is only a recommendation, so you don’t have to follow what he suggests.

The ICING ON THE CAKE, is that because we have curved desks, the arms of everyone’s chair prevents them getting as close as he suggests. So we have to remove the Arms off everyone’s chair. Now when I say we… I mean me, as it is falls under the category, if it’s not Insurance or Accounting, then the IT MANAGER can do it.

So I’m going to spending the next week, taking fucking arms of chairs…. I hate by job at times.

I mean, they been using the same chairs for the past 5 fucking years, and we’ve got along happily.

I even showed him this Article that suggests researchers have found that you should sit at a 135 degree angle. (The one I’ve been sitting at for years). “Oh No, that’s not right”, he says.

Oh I see, I should listen to you over them, because? He didn’t have a reply to that.

Bollocks

Celebrity Big Brother

What were the chances of me not having an opinion on this one?

I've made comment on PBs blog, I've freely joined in with the workplace 'discussions', I've had posters made and posted them around Douglas.

And yet, I've done all this based on what I've read on Yahoo and BBC News. I have been a less than conscientious journalist.

So, over the weekend, I felt I would need to actually, physically watch the program described as Celebrity Big Brother before one of the two miscreants were evicted.

I watched on as Jade Goody (described as 'White Trash' by the racist Jackson) failed to convey her opinion; I watched as Shilpa Shetty (described as 'Poppadum' by the 'White Trash') unfairly used her superior grasp of the English language to manipulate an already explosive situation.

I saw the others not-be-bothered-enough to do anything about the situation (or worse, to stir it up with their stupid scouse accents)

I watched all this, combined it with my own xenophobic opinions and what I'd read in The Sun, and finally came to my (Nobel prize winning) conclusion:

I really, really want to grab Shilpa by the hair, dip her in a big tub of Galaxy chocolate and then lick it all off. Twice.

Phwooar!! What a hottie!

p.s. Did you know that 'Poppadum' is not in the Microsoft Word Dictionary? How racist is that? These people only eat Poppadums and mud and we can't even be bothered providing an entry. Not that they can read, so I don't suppose it really matters.

Game are coonts

Just nipped into Game this morning to ask about Nintendo Wii's again, only to be told the best they could do was put me on a waiting list. Coonts.

I went in before Christmas and was told that nobody could be put on the waiting list because ... no reason really, just because. So how come today I ask again and find myself on the waiting list at position 109? I'll be in every day now until I get to speak to the floppy haired spot monster that was playing the smart arse before Christmas. I'm soo tempted to pen a complaint but I have the feeling i'll only be wasting more of my time, so a rant and fist shaking will have to do.

Work Rant

A rare work rant from me.

I've been here for four months and successfully passed my probation period. Obviously.

And I've somehow acquired a largish work load. So much so that I'm already balancing multiple projects, one of which MUST be finished by the end of the month.

I had a couple of sick days in December. Genuine ones.

I was handed a letter today telling me that because my sick days occured within the probation period, they're not covered by the Sick Pay Scheme and I will be docked 2 days pay this month. That's quite a bit of cash. It would buy a Wii or an XBox 360.

I was then emailed and told that I had 2 holidays left and that I MUST take them before the end of January or I would lose them.

To recap
- 2 sick days that I must pay for
- 2 holidays that must be taken
- too much work to finish

I suggested that they just cancel each other out.

But no. It's not company policy.

So I will take Wednesday and Thursday off and, hopefully, I will not catch a tummy bug or develop a migraine coz that will ruin any hopes for this urgent project getting finished.

Kids today

What kind of bizarre semi-fantasy world do todays youth live?

Before proceeding, have a look at this article.

My 17 year old son came home last night quite disturbed. Looking a little pale.

He wanted to know if we'd heard the news that Armageddon was imminent (well, he actually said "didya hear about the atom bomb fing?"

Apparently, at quarter to twelve ("or somefink") the Palestinians were gonna set off loads of these Atom Bombs all round the world and that there was a good chance we were going to die.

He does this all the time. He can read a news article or listen to the news and just pick out a couple of words and just fills in the blanks himself.

And it's not just him (clueless as he is). Him and his mates had actually discussed this Palestinian Nuclear Threat wondering if (as the world was about to end anyway) they shouldn't just go down to WineRite and buy a crate of cheap lager.

Imagine if he read a headline like this: "Headmaster sacked over theft allegation"

He'd come home and say "see that fing about the bloke who was in a sack giving head to an alligator"

Shilpa Shitty, bitchiness is not racism

I've just had the news on and apparantely this whole Big Brother thing has now escalated into a diplomatic problem. Ofcom have received 16,000 complaints about the treatment of some Bollywood movie star at the hands of the evil white supremecist, Jade "Shit For Brains" Goody. Has the world gone completely mental? As anyone who has ever dealt with women and especially girls will know, the female of the species is bitchy. Obviously there is a scale of bitchiness but the sort of bitchy bitching being dished out on Big Brother is certinaly no more than what you'd find in any playground, lets face it Jade and her "gang" have about the same IQ as the average 8 year old, so why all the fuss? If the victim was ginger, fat or a lesbo then would anything be said, would it bollacks! Talking of racism, if the victim was English, Scottish, Irish or more likely these days Polish would anything be said, would it bollacks! Because it's a Pakistani there is uproar around the globe and 16,000 people wasting there money to phone Ofcom and complain. They are taking the piss out of Shilpa's accent, holly shit, you think that Jade hasn't had abuse about the way she speaks, probably by blacks and asians as well!

Bitchiness is not racism, it's how women deal with other women, get over it. If it helps to remove Jade from TV screens for good though then it's not all bad. By the way I hate racism, if all you can find to hate about somebody is the colour of their skin then you're not looking deep enough.

One final thought, I wonder what chances that the next bomb that goes off is blamed on the treatment of Shilpa and as punishment of our completely racist culture? Surely we deserve to be bombed for this almighty hate crime that is going on before our very eyes.

Rantless, Job and Thermopylae

I was hoping to find a rant in me somewhere, but try as I might there’s nothing. I haven’t a single angry bone in my body at the moment. So you are just going to have to put up with some drivel.

After vowing not to look for another job till after bonus time, there was one in the local rag that looked right up my street. It is a Support Engineer, but working as part of a team. If they have a team, it means they have lots to do, which is one of the reasons I don’t like it here. I could cope with the boredom here if they gave me a nice little corner desk and let me play Age of Myth or World of Warcraft all day.

However, the idea was to get away from IT, but I do like the classic support stuff I do, getting something working after the User has spent ages in frustration is a good feeling. Plus this new place offers a Yearly Bonus, Educational support, and non-contributory Pensions…. That’s three things that I don’t have here, plus of course a “competitive salary”.

So I have nothing to lose: I’ll apply and leave it in the hands of the gods. One thing I shall do, which I normally don’t really do, is ensure my CV matches exactly what they want. I shall tailor it to appear that I am the perfect candidate and that my outrageous salary demands are completely acceptable.

In other news, Ady pointed me towards the trailer of a new film 300 which is out later this year. This is all about the Battle of Thermopylae: my favourite Battle of all time. It’s where 300 Spartan’s and some mates, stood up against 4 million Persian’s. The best book I’ve read about it is Gates of Fire, which I very highly recommend anyone to read, seriously, it’s one of the best stories EVER.

My favourite quote from the Trailer:

When the Persian King, Xerxes, tells King Leonidas of Sparta, that their arrows will fill the sky and block out the Sun.

Leonidas, calmly replies, “Then we will fight in the shade”……

Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by,that here, obedient to their laws, we lie

Google is God.

I know a couple of us on this site, bang on about Google, but they really are the bomb. They do allsorts and what’s more they give it all away for free.

Have a butchers at http://labs.google.com/ to see what they can do for you.
Or read up at Mikey’s fav: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Google_products

The worst thing about working from home is...

the need to have the Radio on. Now I'm going solo I'm having to live with my own company all day, as I'm sure the lads will tell you what a bloody treat that is! Even with Gigs of music to listen to it gets repetitive, I'll be looking for some fresh supplies soon. I decided to try the radio. Still being what I consider to be a yoof I started with Radio 1, wow, it's bollox isn't it? The same 6 songs all day interspersed with shite spoutings of fuckwits and assholes. I like Chris Moyles, he's funny and in this day and age not very PC which works for me. I could manage listening to Moyles all day. Jo Whiley reminds me of some aging ladette ex alky whose constantly trying to tell everyone about how pissed she was "this one time". The younger birds appear to be trying to live up to Jo's reputation. Note to Radio producers, there's no point in having slaggy totty on the Radio, it doesn't work. The final part of my day is covered by some Scott bloke who sounds like a pre-pube nerdazoid, if he has 1. a social life or 2. a girlfriend I'll attempt to fit my foot in my mouth live on the webcam. I believe that the evenings are non stop wog music so I'll give that a miss.

Tomorrow I'm going to switch to Radio 2 and see how I get on, what I'm most worried about is actually liking it, surely that will mean I'm getting old and not down with the crew pimping hoes and keeping it real with some bangin gangsta shit.

The Week to be.

Well what’s in store for me this week? Well tonight, that gorgeous filly I married is out with the Girls, which means it’s a night in playing games (PC, 360 & Wii). I shall dedicate an hour to each and then wind down with a bit of TV.

Wednesday night, I’m out with a couple of old School friends, one of whom I have never been out for a drink with. I’ve known him since I was 2 years old, and we used to sit together in Primary School, but we’ve never been out drinking (legally). So I’m looking forward to that.

Friday I’m off to Dublin to do some techy work stuff, and hopefully have a couple of Guinness’s, if we finish before midnight.

That’s it really, my week in full.

Oh! Here is another Wii injury that’s in the news at the moment.

Same old Shit

A New Year at work and the same old shit. I have nothing to do, in fact I might have, but I have that little to do, that I can’t be arsed doing anything. I’ll stick it out till April, and then I’m looking for something different. I mean completely out of IT.

It’s the diminutive breaded weirdo, Noel Edmunds that is a supporter of Cosmic Ordering. So this is my Cosmic Order for 2007:

Dear Cosmos

I would like to be given a Bonus from my current employer of £3000. A week after this I would then like to be offered a job as either a Fireman or something where I’m not in an office all day. The pay need not be any better than I am on now, but comparable would be nice. I wish to be able to get to the point where I have money at the end of the month spare to be able to SAVE for once in my 40 years on this planet…. I also hope I have true happiness and merriment with my family and close friends and that good health continues to shine on my family, friends and I.

Thank you.

Yours truly,

Me.

That’s it.

God I’m Good sometimes.

Testing on a new system had come to a complete stand still today as they couldn’t get something to work. In fact it had been a couple of days, since it had failed and no-one knew why.

Finally they get round to asking me if I could look at it.

I said yes of course, but made it very clear that I had never used the system and didn’t know how it worked. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I spent 5 mins looking around and then used 12 years of computing knowledge to come up with a hypothesis.

Try changing this, but I’m only guessing as things the way it is now, don’t normally work on other systems.

Anyway, of course it worked…… Just call me Super Genius…

And they wont give me a BONUS……

Thank you.

Back for the New Year

Well I’m back at work now, having been off since the 22^nd of December. What a fantastic holiday I’ve had, I’ve really enjoyed not being at work and spending all day with the family. True to my word I’ve been drinking every night (with only a couple of exceptions), and my body was beginning to fall apart. So although not completely Dry, January will be back to the occasional drinking night.

Things to look forward to this year:

Well by little boy is Three today and is a fantastic, he is such a loving and friendly boy, funny and very intelligent. You would seriously think he’s been here before. So Happy Birthday Nemo.

It’s my 40^th next month (the 7^th to be precise), so start saving up everybody. If you are wondering what to get me, I am actually collecting those Vouchers that the Bank of England give out, they come in either £20 or £50 denominations and can be spent virtually anyway. So dig deep till it hurts, it’s not every year I’m 40.

As for the rest of the year, this is the Year, we get our finances on track. We aren’t in the shit yet, but if we are not careful, we could well be. So spending is down to a bare minimum. I have even cancelled my beloved Gym membership, which means I’ll be bored silly every lunch time, and we have to get up early to go for a run, which actually has a silver lining, as I doubt my knees can take the pounding. So come September I should be in enough agony for the doctor to do some urgent surgery, meaning I can do some R & R at home watching the Rugby World Cup….

We might have to ditch Sky as well, but we’ll at least wait till after the Six Nations.

As usual I have no New Years Resolutions, as I don’t think people tend to do them any more, or at least you don’t hear about them as much as you used to.

That’s it really, good luck to Ady, Paulie B, B & J and Donna on their projects (for want of a better word) they are doing this year.

Later Days

Drool

Nothing to say, really.

Just that the Holy Grail of Gadgets has finally appeared. As soon as they're available I'm buying one.

Gorgeous

Is LC no more?

The link for LC's page seems to be a link to an evil and conniving search engine for random pornographic goods. Has the lounger, movie reviewer and all round good egg upped and deleted his enjoyable blog? Seems likely - after his split with slurker just days before Christmas and the low ebb he was sailing.

Come back, LC, all is not yet forgiven!

You Call That A Wii

I want a Wii, I want a Wii now! Yep as there is still no sign of Nintendo’s latest toy becoming available to buy again anytime soon, damn you Game, I’ve had to resort to surfing the web for anything Wii related.

I came across this, forgot your standard minimalist white Wii, what you need is a pimped up techni-colour nightmare. Although it looks a little garish and shit the one advantage it does have is that at least when you split the other half’s head open with a miss-placed forehand smash the blood wont be as obvious on your controller.

Wii Skins