Why Lie?

There are probably times in life when things can be made a bit easier with a little lie, for example when the wife asks you anything...anything at all.  Dealing with a customer in your phone shop doesn't come across as one of those times so why does it seem that every time I have to deal with Manx Telecom they lie to me?

Manx Telecom are getting rid of the vast majority of their free Internet allowance on their mobile contracts (unless you buy a data add-on) so I decided to switch my contract to Sure, when I set off to do this at 10 this morning I assumed like a mental that I wasn't the first person to ever try and do this,  to be honest the service I got in Sure made it sound that way as well.  An hour tops she said, it took 45 minutes, with 1 stumbling block, my phone was network locked.

Bit of a bugger but nothing serious, 2 minutes later I was in the MT shop waiting to be served.  Happily enough I explained the problem.  The young lad told me I hadn't bought the phone from them because they don't lock them.  I explained again I had, 500 fucking quid, I remember it very well.  He denied it again.  Still in pleasant mode I explained I had bought it from them, I don't know where THEY bought it from but I'd definitely bought it from them.  So he eventually agreed to look, took the information he needed to get me an unlock code (if I had bought it from them) and disappeared out the back.  Another 2 minutes passed and he came back, admitted they had sold me the phone, it was an O2 phone and he had contacted them, took my details and said he'd phone me with the code within a couple of hours.  This is all very dull.  I was still very nice.  But he was lying.

6 hours later I have given up waiting and have just spent 20 minutes on the phone to Manx Telecom being passed from pillar to post.  If I have to explain to one more person that yes I bought my fucking phone from you and yes it is fucking locked I may go postal.  Eventually I speak to somebody who takes the time to look, no it wasn't an O2 phone, no they didn't phone them, no it won't take "about 2 hours".  The reality, I don't know where the hell Manx Telecom sourced my phone before selling it to me, nor do I give a shit.  They have e-mailed (excellent customer service right there) whoever it was and it may take a couple of days to get a response.  Frankly I was happy to have been told the truth, the SIM gets chucked in another phone for the time being, no biggy.  Isn't the truth great.

So why did that little sod lie in the first place?  What was the point?  I was being nice, I wasn't being shouty, all I wanted was my phone unlocking so I could use my new SIM in it.  They thought it shouldn't be locked, I thought it shouldn't be locked, get it unlocked and no harm done.  I hate this crap, there's just no need for it at all.  It makes me write really boring blog posts just to whinge about their shit customer service and that does nobody any favours, especially not on an island where you have no choice but to use Manx Telecom for some things.  

3 Things I Noticed This Week

1. England football fans are fucking idiots. They are acting all cool like they're not expecting much but then at the first sign that the team isn't a sack of wank* it's the usual "we're going to win it" shit. Football isn't coming home, 3 lions on your shirt mean fuck all when you fall over at the first sign of somebody invading your personal space and there is more pass and move in the local girls under 12 team.

2. Nobody in Europe likes the English. That is all.

3. Women and migraines. How come they never have a migraine when it's something they want to do? Oh no I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight drinking because I have a migraine, never heard it. Home early from work? You want to do what with that? Migraines ahoy. Also, men don't get migraines, we just have the odd headache, usually for a reason, that reason being something other than us having to do something we don't want to do.

*They must have been watching a different game to me, other than Ireland they are the worst team in the tournament by a long way.

Because Fat People Are Always Funny

Nearly £35k A Year To Move Bags

Holy Mother Fucking Shit. At least the Bus Drivers need to pocess "some" skill to earn their £40k.

1. I know time served, fully qualified, professional software developers who earn a lot lot less than this.

2. Don't even get me started on how this compares to what nurses earn, the world has gone mad.

3. This isn't anywhere near the limit of the cushy little government numbers on the go, somebody should ask how much you can make CLEANING the buses.

4. The sooner we escape this retarded little inbred shit hole island ran by union fucktards the better.

Bear Grylls Sacked

Good.

Survivorman is much better. For a start he only kills and eats stuff because he's hungry, not because he's some sort of twat that gets a kick out of trying to batter everything he comes across to death "for the viewers".

I Don't Know How Anybody Does It

I see they are wanting school kids to get into programming now? This isn't a bad idea, everybody claims to be a programmer these days yet how many actually know the core skills (we're not talking copy and paste from examples on the web here)?

But I do worry what they are letting themselves in for because maybe I'm just getting old but I've had my fill of it. Back in the good old days you could write a good program in say 6 months and then 3 years later it would still be a good program. For the past 5 or so years I've noticed that by the time I've finished something (using super new RAD tools, so a matter of weeks to finish a project) it is already out of date. 90% of stuff is now so reliant on the Internet and yet the Internet changes so much on a day to day basis that writing solid software is an almost impossible task, it's a major pain in the ass. We live in a world of constant updates, what the hell was ever wrong with if it's not broke don't fix it? Why can't we have good old protocols like SMTP, POP3, FTP any more? I wrote programs in 1997 around those and they still work great! However I've got software that I wrote in 2010 to take advantage of certain web services using SOAP and they might as well not exist. All it takes is some twat on the other side of the world to "update" something and all your work is for shit. Bastards.

Listen to me kids, forget computers, forget programming, do something real with your lives. Learn how to fix pipes, play with wires or build walls. This computer lark is just bullshit. Bring on the Zombie apocalypse.

I Reiterate - Cancer You Are A Cunt

It's Not All Doom And Gloom

If you look closely at those figures (taken from this years Budget Press meeting) what you'll see is massive growth in our economy in 2013-2014 and 2014-2015. Wow man, just look how those government income figures explode doing away with the need to pillage reserves! That sort of growth way outstrips anything we've seen for many a year on the island, I wonder where it's coming from? Or maybe, just maybe, somebody plucked a couple of numbers out of their ass and stuck it into a spreadsheet? Europe is predicted to still be in a mess going throuigh 2015, the UK is predicted to still be in a mess going through 2015 and yet the Isle of Man expects to see nearly a 12% growth in Government income in 2 years.

But if it's in an Excel spreadsheet it must be true.

In Job News

My daughter has managed to get a job. The interview was organised by the school and by all accounts it went very well, flawless in fact, an offer was made immediately so that's all good. She' hasn't told me when she is due to start..

Oh she's just telling me something.........

What do you fucking mean it wasn't a real interview and there was no job? What the fuck is a mock interview? Bastards.


(2 updates in 1 day, that should cover the posting quota for the first 6 months of this year, I can go back to being sick now)

Are Nurseries Important?

There's been a lot of understandable anger on the rock in the last 24 hours, news that government nurseries and pre-school facilities are to close has not gone down well! However for every angry mother there is somebody else who will tell you that they've not had access to those sort of facilities anyway because of the post code lottery and another who will tell you that "whatever else" is more important than pre-school.

I have a lot of friends who are going to be affected by this (the early 30 somethings, desperate for kid crew) and if you were having kids on the understanding that the facilities were going to be there it must be a hell of a shock when the announcement comes they are to close. I feel shit for them.

Trouble is you have to think of it in terms of the VAT thingy ma' jib. When the dust settles the island will have lost a 3rd of its income - A WHOLE FUCKING THIRD. Imagine in your house what would happen if you lost a third? Life's priorities would suddenly change to Rent/Mortgage,Food and Heat. That's it. There is no room for anything else, like to haves, luxuries etc - all gone. This is what the Isle of Man faces. This is the reality of the situation, bound to be made worse by todays budget, but what I can't understand is how they can still pay thousands of paper pushers way above the market rate (£24k+ for an un-skilled, GCSE C in English administrator..really?????), not contribute realistic amounts towards their own pensions and spend hundreds of thousands of pounds relaying some pavements, all in this reality? Lose some of the non-jobs, make the poeple who benefit from the pension pay for it and leave the pavements in the same shitty state we've had to put up with when the times were good for fucks sake! It's no wonder people get pissed off.

How can you ever expect people to understand that you're on the bones of your ass when you're walking around with an open wallet for your mates to pillage?

Edit - Lets add some number for fun, just so people can see how desperate a hole the Isle of Man is in.

Government wages = £270 million
Benefits = £250 million

Isle of Man Governments Total Income = Not a whole lot more than that

Or For Simple People

Give Me My Fucking Life Back

It's now more than 4 months since I felt an ever so slight twinge in my guts which has gone on to cause a whole fucktitude of problems. In those 4 months the very best I've felt is every so slightly better than utter shit. Christmas was a right off, New Year even more so. There have been times where I've been so creased in pain that I've just thought bollocks to the lot of it. My weight crashed by more than 2 stone, I'm weaker now than I have ever been.

My own doctor has been less than useless, cunt doesn't seem like a strong enough word, but given his name it'll have to do. I'm convinced he thinks I'm either after a sick note or imagining it. I didn't work a single day for 2 and a half months, I claimed fuck all, I never have, I never will. ALL I've wanted is to feel better. As for imagining it, I don't exactly fit into the hypocondriact bracket. I've put up with puking blood, dislocations, broken bones , without going near a doctor. Until this last 4 months I average a visit every 4 years. If I'm saying that this is hurting they I assure you it is fucking hurting.

But I decided against sitting on my arse waiting for Dr "If It's Not Cured With Pain Killers Then I Don't Give A Fuck" to do anything. I've contacted as many experts as possible, all have been helpful. I've gotten enough dietary advice and supplements to get me back eating again (soup and cereal was all I could keep down for more than 6 weeks) and I've even put on weight and am now holding steady. I'm still weak as a kitten, I can't do a single pull-up but...

Thanks to another experts "rough idea" diagnosis things are finally looking like there might be an end in sight. Typing this now I can't feel any pain around my lower back, nothing, my guts don't feel right but they don't feel anything like as wrong as they usually do. I went to the gym this morning and 1. wasn't sick 2. got the post exercise buzz. The last time I tried this in November I lasted 5 minutes and had to get a taxi home to bed.

Things aren't perfect, I still have a bastard lump where I shouldn't have, some numbness and a bit of pain plus it's only the first day I've felt even half right, but having some clue as to what is causing the problems at least lets me work on building up things around them. Either way it's got to be better than being told "I don't know" followed by a blank stare and then "bye" by your doctor. I wonder who do I write to to request a National Insurance refund?

Here We Go Again

Just Over A Week Ago - The Isle of Man Is A Lovely Place That Complies With Everybody

Today - We Piss Off More People With Our Taxes

Every-fucking thing we do over here to do with offshore finance, e-gaming, the shipping and aircraft registries, the captive market, it all relates to tax savings in one way or another, businesses and rich individuals DO NOT come here for the pleasant weather and friendly local work force. Until the fucking retards in charge (yeah we have new retards) realise this and learn to keep their/our heads down we're never going to be in the "clear". Pretending that we're best buddies with all these countries we have information exchange agreements with is just as big a "come and get us" flag as anything else.

In short, as long as the average wealth on the island is equal to or better than the UK then we're never going to get any peace, never. People need to stop pretending and accept it for what it is.

Barclays Are Still Useless

It's been a few years now since I stopped having anything to do with Barclays, it's nice to see that their standards haven't improved though and they are still the most useless fucking bank on the face of the planet.

The old man went in to shut his account last month, he's old so doesn't do things by e-mail or phone, he goes in person and speaks to bank staff like they are some sort of long lost friend. The "lovely" girl at Barclays told him it would be no problem and that his account was closed there and then...which he took at face value. Now 1 of 2 things should happen here:-

1. The remaining balance is transfered and the account is closed then and there (as said)

2. If there's a process to close the account everything stays as it is until the day the account is to be closed when a final balance transfer is processed

Not hard is it? Except what happened in this case was the remaining balance was transfered that day, the Barclays personal wanker says the account is closed, but in reality the account is left open with a zero balance. £2.60 to whoever can guess what happens next?

Just to prove that Barclays aren't the only usless bank on this very small island the IOM Bank haven't actually done all the direct debit transfers as they said. Of course the fall back on this is anybody trying to do a DD will have there request bounced cos the Barclays account is closed? If it's because they haven't processed the DD change form in time then GABOS on them, no doubt it would get sorted out along the line but like I said this hasn't happened.

Anyhoo, jump forward to today and what you see is direct debits coming out against the £0.00 balance STILL OPEN Barclays account and then a overdraft charge of £44 added on for good measure. You really are a bunch of useless twats of the highest order. So on seeing the statement I decide to question it, using the phone number given on the back of the statement, for enquiries. Nothing has changed at Barclays, nothing! I speak to somebody in their call centre who doesn't even want to know the account number, all he can repeat is it's not his fault and my old man will have to speak to the branch. No "I'll check the status of your account closure". No "Sorry about that, I'll make some enquiries". No fuck all. It's superb customer service.

So between 2 banks, they've both managed to do nothing of what they said they'd do, they've caused a lot of stress to an old man that's not long lost his wife and while they are it one of them has somehow managed to swindle £44 out of him for the pleasure. Take a fucking bow.

But It's Free?

I've been pretty sick lately, and by pretty I mean very and by lately I mean for 3 months. It's shit, the only thing shitter is the NHS and I wanted to rant long and hard about it...but fortuntaly for me somebody else who has just moved from Canada (Free health) to the US has summed it up for me already.

====

This may come as a shock to people living in Canada, but the medical service in the US is far superior to anything offered in Canada. When I take Sally to see a doctor in the US, I don’t have to wait. The appointment time is the actual time to see the doctor, not the time to wait in the waiting room. Test results are usually sent back the same day, and you can see a specialist without a referral.

Canadians will say their medical system is free and available to everyone. That’s only half true. The BC Medical Services Plan (MSP) isn’t free. You do have to pay for it if your family makes over $30,000 a year. If you make less than $22K a year, then it’s free. There is premium assistance between $22,001 to $30,000. The monthly premium rates are $60.50 for one person, $109.00 for a family of two and $121.00 for a family of three or more. You will have to pay out of your pocket for extended and dental coverage. I pay about the same in the US for my medical and dental as I do in the Canada, but the service is way better in the US.

The “universal” in universal medical a code word for, “hurry up and wait!” Yes, Canada’s universal medical system will pay for that MRI scan, if you’re willing to wait six months to a year. This is why you see so many Canadians going to the US for treatment but not a single American coming to Canada for treatment. Unless your case is considered life threatening, you will be waiting far longer than a patient in the US with private or company medical.

========

Now if you just replace Canada with the IOM you'll get the point. The 6 months is accurate as well. I REALLY hope the government enjoys giving all my NI money and most of my taxes to sponging twats why I get left to rot.

My Life Hits A New Low

Soya Milk... is there anything gayer in the world than milk that's not actually fucking milk? Next thing I'll be developing symptoms of hay-feaver or "allergies"...and at that point enough will be enough and Valhalla awaits.

When Blogs Vanish

What's happened to LC's blog, anybody know? My work from home life is so sad that keeping up with the few blogs I follow is actually seen as a highlight of the day.

And whilst I'm at it, Ben enable comments you cunt!

An Ode To Cancer

Cancer, you are a fucking cunt.

Why I Will Never Give My Credit Card Details To Microsoft Again As Long As There Is A Hole In My Ass

When you combine these bank transactions:-



with the fact my xbox live account is now in the name of somebody called Audrey from Russia who has managed to setup a Live profile without ANY valid information and associate it with my tag. Then when you add in the fact that those points were spent in Russia when every piece of information related to the original account (and the card used for it for fucks sake) specifies UK - all without anything being flagged at Xbox. Then you look a little closer and see that the points were used to buy games already played and completed with that account, and still nothing is flagged. Then when you add in that the password associated with the hacked account has only ever been used with that account, and that it wasn't even fucking changed as part of the hijack. Then just to top it off you have Microsoft denying that they have a security issue when the simplest check on Twitter shows this to be a little more than isloated:-

Xbox Live Accounts Hacked

And then you get to spend an hour racking up phone charges because they are experiencing high demand for support...which have nothing to do with the multitude of cunts who have gained access to other peoples accounts of course ;) At least Sony had the decency to admit there was a problem and turn off their system. Wonder when Xbox will do the same?

176-0

The number of comments posted on Facebook (from my friends) about the X-Factor vs the number of comments posted about the very recent general election. And people wonder why the place is going down the shitter.

I'm hardly an academic, nor bright for that matter but even I can work out that the X-Factor is nothing more than a circus freak show in order to separate as many people as possible from as many micro payments as possible over as long a time period as possible. It's laughing at mentals for entertainment and then paying through your phone bill for the pleasure.

Democracy

There have been quite a few polls done in Germany recently to try and ascertain what the general view is on Germany increasing its contribution to the European bail out fund. The average* result has been somewhere between 60% and 70% of Germans don't want to put more money in the pot to prop up corrupt bullshitting governments.

The vote in the German parliament was a slightly different matter:- 523 in favour, 85 against, 3 abstained

Remember that those people voting have been voted in to REPRESENT THE GERMAN PEOPLE in a democratic way. This is the democracy that everybody is so proud off and that Americans get so uppity about every time a country veers away from its path? Ask yourself who is answering to who?

And in related news it's election day on the Isle of Man, we stand on the edge of a cliff and the only thing stopping us falling is if people can be brave enough to vote for ideas and policies and not their "mate" or somebody whose helped a "mate". Basically we're screwed.

*from what I've seen

Working From Home Is Like Living In Space

....nobody can hear you scream!

And on that note I'm off to find something better to do today than looking at this stupid fucking screen.

Fat Bastard

As we get older we all like to think that were ageing well don't we? I know I do, for somebody in their 30's I'm no Ryan Giggs but I'm doing alright (I'm not chasing reality stars half my age like a dog with 2 dicks so I figure a little bit of slide is OK). I'm not a massive eater, or a big drinker, my body fat percentage is around the 17% mark, not great but good enough...and this is how I see myself...middle of the road.

It's amazing how what we perceive and what others see can be so different though. A bit like when you're looking at photographs and don't even recognise yourself, "Who the fuck is that mong?" It's not very often we get a totally unbiased view of what we're really like but today I got a beauty.

In the gym class and the instructor decides were going to do some intervals on a treadmill. She's looking at each of her budding students with a sincere intensity, determined to pick the level that she thinks will really push each and every one of us. It comes to my turn..."TEN!" Ten what? 10 kph, that's the running speed which she HONESTLY thinks is going to push me. 10kph for 30 seconds. To be fair at the time I didn't know if this was good or bad but during the warm-up I became obsessed with doing some mental arithmetic. Back in the day I'd do an average 200m in about 25-26 seconds but lets say I lope around in 30 seconds, we've got to allow for some ageing here. That means 400 metres in a minute (still slow) or 5 minutes to do 2000 metres. That's 12 kilometers in 30 minutes or 24kph. And the perception is I'll struggle at 10, remember it's only for 30 seconds. Really? Really fucking really? Do I really look that fat that people think I'm incapable of moving quicker than 10kph in short bursts? Fuck de fuckidy hell.

Anyway I did it, I set it at 10 and I ran. I say ran, it was more of a slouching shuffle, I was tempted to stick it up to 20 just to make the point, to who I'm not sure, but in the end I thought bollocks to it and ran at 10. But that's not the point, people think I'm fat! I'm off to eat a family sized fruit and nut then cry.

The Manx Economy - For Simple People

I've been doing everything I can to avoid the local media in the run up to the Manx general election, there's only so many regurgitated press releases I can take. But now it's started to find its way into the national press I have caught a few bits and pieces and it amazes me how little understanding there actually is of the current situation on the Isle of Man. Here's my simple guide for simple people...like me. Think of the island as a home:-

In the good old days our home had a family income of £30,000 a year, this was very good, our little family was very happy. Of this £30k we spent about £27k on living and the rest went into a savings account. Aren't we good?

Then the world changed, we all had to take a pay cut and the family income dropped from £30,000 a year to about £20,000 a year. Bad? Yes. But not the end of the world because we could tighten our belts, we could reduce that £27,000 that we spend and besides we had £40,000 in our savings account. No need to panic, or so you'd think?

However when the times were good we weren't spending our money on one off things, like a nice big TV :) Instead we decided to commit our self to long term payments, we hired a cook, a cleaner and a gardener, it's not like a house our size really needed them but hell the money was there so why not? They were our friends and they needed jobs. We put them on generous contracts content that the world would never change. Whilst we were at it we decided to have an extension built and borrowed the money to do this. A bigger mortgage, no problem for us because the world would never change? In the end when all was added up of that £27,000 we were spending each year almost all of it was monthly direct debits that we just can't get out of easily. We are committed. OK so we might be coming up short but we STILL have our savings of £40,000 to see us through the tough times, who knows, maybe we'll get a pay rise in the next few years? Maybe.

Except, and this is the real bugger, we might have £40,000 in our savings account now but we also owe £60,000 on our mortgage. We forgot about that, and the interest rate on our mortgage means that the amount we owe is getting bigger each year!

So what do we do? Do we sack our friends and not only risk upsetting them but also being taken to court? Do we go to our boss and ask for a pay rise, in a competitive market where other people are prepared to do our jobs for less than us? We might find ourselves getting let go? There is no easy answer, just a massive fucking mess. It's not that we didn't save money, it's that we spent too much and that's a really horrible habit to break.

Three Coats

How the fuck is it even possible for somebody who only goes out at most half a dozen times a year to lose THREE coats by the beginning of September?

Benidorm In 1 Sentence

A great beach but nights wrecked by endless pissed up British chav families taking turns singing either Amy Winehouse, Adele or Taylor Swift.

I don't mind pissed Karaoke but do you really need to entertain us with the 40th different rendition of "Someone Like You" in the last 3 hours? Oh and as good as you think your 5 year old daughter is at singing, is a fucking pub at 3 in the morning really the most appropriate time to show it off?

Jesus that was a struggle to write cos I actually like the place.

Hola!

I'm in Spain, it's very hot and all is well with the world!

The best thing about Spain though isn't the weather, or the way you can get away with living in a pair of shorts, or not shaving but fitting in, it's the don't give a shit attitude. Even though they are right at the heart of that whole EU thing that gets blamed every time the UK becomes even more of a boring shit hole they just don't give a flying fuck about anything. Smoking, drinking, road safety, who cares. As for copyright, what copyright? I've seen more latest release blockbusters in the past 10 days than I've seen in 5 years back home. I'll be buying the ones I liked on Bluray when they come out...strange how that works. If I'd already paid £8 to go to the cinema chances are I wouldn't be buying the £15 Bluray. Saturday I watched the 3pm Premier League games from a pub with full English commentary.

As well as dodgy movies and lazing around the pool it's been a great holiday all around, even the bits of work I've had to do isn't so bad when you can do it from a warm sunny balcony overlooking frolicking chicks in the pool, sure beats the hell out of being locked in a box room looking at a damp cold IOM. If only they didn't hate immigrants so much I could get used to this ;)

Regrets

I really REALLY should have said fuck it and went out in the boat today.

Sproston Green - When Music Was Good

I've been meaning to do a post of my favourite 10 songs of all time (mainly so I can put a marker down in history and then moan at myself 10 years down the line) but every time I start it I end up getting distracted (note to self, saving is your friend). Here's one from it anyway:-

Cock-knockers

This island is full of them, and sooner or later (sooner, much sooner) the "me,me me's" are going to fuck up this place so badly that all that will be left are a couple of thousand government workers demanding pay rises and more pensioners than you can throw a stick at. All clinging to a rock shouting and screaming about what they want from their friends who they've voted in again.

In the meantime I think I'm going to block all access to any sort of local news, if somebody could just give me a shove when it's all over I'd be grateful.

Reality Bites - VAT Black Hole

This was posted nearly 3 weeks ago....yet it's only today we'll hear any confirmation on it from our elected leaders. This is something that will affect the lives of every normal person living on the Isle of Man. By the time this is finished Public Sector salaries and the various state benefits will account for considerably more than 80% of the islands total income. You can't function like that, something will have to give and in a massive way.

Isle of Man In The Shit

There are so many problems that it's hard to know where to start. I suppose you can look at the local population and taxes, except that for normal people the island is not a low tax environment. When everything is taken into account we are not that much better off than most EU states or the UK for that matter. There is also the cost of living. For those of us born here we've been told to accept the ridiculous cost of living (don't get me started on that fucking rant) because it's balanced by taxes and ever so slighlty higher average earnings. Except the average earnings figures are skewed by an extremely generous public sector and those massive earners the government is so keen to attract. Outside of goverment most people are not earning £25k a year. How can you possibly increase taxes on those amounts by enough to even make a dent in that hole and still give people enough take home to live? It doesn't add up. How many normal working class people will want to stay here with such limited services and being taxed through the nose to pay for them?

The other side of the coin is that government cuts costs. Except that they have already proven themselves totally incapable of doing that (Much easier to fiddle the GDP figures). Right now, this very minute, there will be people sat in their government offices reading magazines, playing solitaire or even better sat staring into space who will expect a pay rise. They will moan about how hard they have it. I know this for a fact because I spent a couple of years amongst them before I was driven to the brink of insanity. They have done this for years and they will do it till they retire. This is their right, along with a generous pension and job for life. The bill for this is around 320 million pounds a year...and it only ever gets bigger. We also have an amazing benefits system, even in the worst of times there is always more money for those on a fixed income. Yes, as if the majority of people working don't get a fixed amount each week/month. So you've got the untouchables of salaries and benefits, what's left? That's just it, not a lot. Not enough to run a country, never mind provide what tax payers want for their money.

I'm no expert but I reckon we're screwed this time. We've obligated ourselves to the millionaires lifestyle on the income of a Government EO. A good salary all the same but it doesn't buy a Ferrari.

"Treasury Minister Anne Craine is due to make a statement about the VAT revenue sharing agreement with the United Kingdom, with speculation the changes could eventually cost the Island another £75 million a year.

At the same time government departments will ask the court to approve £5 million in spending.

...while North Douglas MHK Bill Henderson will continue his campaign over the loss of jobs on the Island's railways. (5 jobs to be exact, out of a workforce of 8000)"" - From Manx Radio

Sharktopus

I was out fishing yesterday and caught an Octopus and a Shark (technically a fucking huge Tope, but still a shark). The not very friendly tope didn't hang around for pitcures when I finally (30 minutes later) got him to the surface however I have got a video of the Octopus and was going to Youtube it, then apathy kicked in and I couldn't be arsed. That is all.

Update:- Beats doing some work I suppose.

A Week In The Life

Monday 27th June

I was up very early to catch the tides and have a play with my new metal detector. It wasn't a warm day and it was also very windy but it was all made worthwhile when I found my first thing that couldn't be described as modern rubbish. It's made of brass, it looks like it's been shot but I have no idea what the hell it is? It does have some writing engraved into it but so far I can't read it:-

Tuesday

Tuesday was stinking hot. I made it to my gym class in the morning but instead of working during the afternoon I decided to get myself a day license for the reservoirs. I caught this:-





Well actually 2 of them but I always like to put the first fish of the day back. I uspet a lot of fly fishermen who looked like they'd been there for the day. Between the six of them I didn't see anybody catch anything. For £15 I want something for the pot. Tuesday night the girls arrived back on the island after their dancing comp.

Wednesday

Work day. I worked from about 8am till sometime around 9pm

Thursday

Gym until mid morning and then some hardcore work for the rest of the day. I managed to get something working just right for 3-4 hours which brought in a tasty $700.

Friday

Housework. Daughter is having a sleepover on the Saturday and I had plans so that meant any cleaning had to be brought forward. The joy of having both of us working full time is that housework only tends to get done on a needs must basis. In this case it meant a full day of cleaning for me. At least it was appreciated which makes it all worthwhile.

Saturday

Boat day. Me and Mrs B ventured out for the day on the boat (the wifes first trip of the year). Within 20 minutes she'd managed to catch this:-



Which is frankly the biggest fish I've seen landed in a long time. For somebody who had never even used that type of rod and reel before Mrs B did amazingly well to even get the thing to the surface, never mind in the boat. We caught lots more but all were put back. Saturday night I watched the Haye vs Klitchsko fight in 3D. Well I say in 3D, the wife complained so much that it ended up being mostly 2D. There was the sleepover which all went to plan and we were so knackered that nothing was going to keep us awake.

Sunday

Another boat day for me whilst the girls went of to the Tynwald Garden Party - obviously I wasn't invited. The weather forecast was completely wrong and what should have been a lovely day was in fact a pile of crap, something which only really occured when I was about 12 miles from home. It was a very bumpy trip back. Chinese for tea and I slept the sleep of a thousands sleeps. I was dead on my feet by 10 o'clock.

Monday

Work, lots of it. Then the reality that the weather has been given to change tomorrow and our hedge desperately needs cutting. At about 4 in the afternoon I whip out the hedgecutter and ladder and set about it. Just as I'm finished something goes quite badly wrong. The ladder flips leaving me flying through the air with a hedge cutter dangling between my legs! Before I can stop it, it has banged of my foot (thankyou toe caps) and gone straight through the mains cable fully accompanied by a lot of smoke and sparks. I end up flat on my back with a hedge cutter resting on my leg and a live cable draped across me. The reality of the situation kicks in and I move very slowly. I don't suppose there's ever a good time to snuff it but as far as weeks go that one takes some beating.



Of course if I die at the end of this week where I have nothing planned but mountains of work I'll be pretty pissed off.

To Wash or Not to Wash!

Do you remember the old days? You went out for a couple of hours drinking and as soon as you got home all your clothes went in the wash basket as they stunk of cigarettes and “Pub”.

But what is the etiquette now? I had 3 hours in the Pub last night, but as no one smokes, are my clothes ready for the wash or do they see another day of wear?

Metal Detecting

The Beach Detecting Dream

The Reality

You spend 4 hours walking up and down a wind swept beach digging up every tin can that's been dropped in the last 5 years. Then just to add to the joy you discover that every other rock on the beach is actually fucking ferrous, of course you don't realise the full magnitude of this until you've dug up your third boulder and broke your spade. Plus my right arm feels like it's going to drop off and my feet are piss wet through.

But I can think of much worse ways of spending a sunny Thursday morning :)

Update:- I've just found out I spent 4 hours on the wrong beach! Talk about all the gear with no idea. It takes a very special person to mix up 2 of our lovely Manx Glens in such a fucked up way.

Manx Ass Syndrome

You're probably wondering what Manx Ass Syndrome is? It's something that afflicts ladies of a certain age who live on the Isle of Man, ladies who should be in the prime of their lives and at their hottest. Somehow and for a reason that science has failed to diagnose (although the diet of chips cheese and gravy, lager and counting Facebook as a sport, may have something to do with it) they develop a massive fat ass. Some are immune, mainly it seems those from Eastern European descent, it must be in the genes, but for most of the women living on the rock Manx Ass is an inevitable reality. Damn you nature.

As a man you expect there to be certain places that you can go for a break from Manx Ass, like a gym for example. Imagine my shock this morning then when one of the newer personal trainers appeared with what can only be described as muffin chub peaking over the top of her lycras! A personal trainer FFS! It looked like she'd hoiked her ass up over the top of her pants, cunning perhaps but not enough to fool somebody who has grown up surrounded by Manx Ass. If personal trainers aren't safe then who is?!

I can only hope that medical science advances at a pace that those of the next generation aren't going to have to put up with this, cancer, aids (the bad type) are nasty, but there are things much much worse out there.

Wipeout HD

Some might say that I'm not really Sony's biggest fan, especially when it comes to the Playstation. When the first one came out I bought a Nintendo 64, when the PS2 came out I bought an X-Box, when the PS3 was released I was far more interested in the X-Box 360. I did get a PS3 but after about a week gave up on the games and only used it for Blurays. My problems with the Playstation were always quite simple, the controller was never designed for western hands and the games were always way over rated. There was nothing on the PS1 that could come close to Ocarina of Time, nothing on the PS2 that could touch Halo and as for the PS3, when you compare the same game between that and the 360 I've never seen a game that plays better (it's a personal choice) on the PS3. Even the Sony exclusives were hyped beyond death by Sony fanboys and whenever I bought them it would end in disapointment (Gran Tourismo 5 - OK'ish, Little Big Planet - shite, Killzone 2 - the only game I've ever smashed up and thrown in the bin).

Keep all that in mind then when I say that Wipeout HD is one of the most enjoyable 20-30 minute blasts of a game I think I've ever played in my life. Everything about it works perfectly, the generous controls, the crisp visuals, the lack of bugs and a soundtrack that whilst not my thing fits perfectly with the game. It's fucking brilliant. And even better Sony are giving it away for free, it's one of the 5 games you get to pick from as part of the Sony sorry package. But there's even one more Brucie Bonus, if' you've got a 3D TV and update to the latest patch then it's also a full on 3D game and it works a damn sight better that GT5 or even CoD Black Ops. It's the best 3D game I've played to date. You can't beat free, unless it's free 3D.

Irony

People on Manx Forums moaning about how the outside world may judge the island because of the TT. That will be the same TT that the island is most famous for (not some shitty Government statistic, I travel a lot and generally it's the only thing people know about the island* when I mention where I come from) and contributes a massive wedge of cash to the pot?

The contribution of Manx Forums to the island? To paint us as a bunch of inbred, wannabe know it all, Grade A fucking idiots, with a collection of about 40 brain cells to share between the lot of us.

When it comes to the TT I'm a neutral, I undertsand it's an important part of life on the island and I like the extra activity going on around the place but on the flip side I could happily live without it. I'm not fussed. As for Manx Forums, I'd be more than happy to see them banned.

* From tour guides in Turkey to sign painters from Alaska.

It's The TT

I think that just about covers our required quota, if you're on the Isle of Man or have a website connected with the Isle of Man and don't mention the TT then you're just not with it. This is our contribution to this years media fest.

In other news, my head still hurts. At what point does a hangover stop being a hangover, instead becoming some sort of brain mentalism? 8 days has got to be some sort of record.

ps You can catch live TT timings and a live radio stream by following the links.

My Head Hurts

Once I'd took the decision to go out and watch the Champions League final on Saturday it was never going to end well. I was either going to be celebrating or drowning my sorrows (the latter as it turned out) and the result would be messy. How messy is hard to put into words because there are far too many blanks, including the hour where I seemed to teleport 12 miles across the island. I literally don't have the first fucking clue how I managed to turn up at my front door. At least this time I managed to remember that I live in Douglas and didn't try to go back to my old house (circa 2001).

This would all be good fun except that it's now Tuesday and my head still feels like it's stuck in a vice and my guts are doing their best impression of the magical shitting monster. If I had a job to go to this would be bad, as it is it just means I slob around earning bugger all and feeling sorry for myself. Well normally it would. However, because the wife is off work sick I have to look like I'm being productive, this means some old school waste your day web surfing which turfs up the odd video gem like this one:-

My New Favourite Thing To Hate

Women (it's always women) who insist on calling people honey when commenting on a blog. Why do it? Isn't honey something that should be saved for your nearest and dearest? Or at the very least people you actually bloody know?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

More Ying And Yang

The ace thing about being one of the first people to sign up with Gmail is that I got my firstname.surname@gmail.com e-mail address. This is cool and makes giving out my address really easy. If I was single I'm sure I could impress loads of hot chicks at the bar by dropping my super sweet GMail address.

On the negative side, now that GMail has grown into a behemoth it seems that at least half of the people in the world who share my name are giving out my e-mail address as their bastard contact address. Word of mouth I could understand, but just how stupid do you have to be to put a wrong e-mail address on your CV or a job application?

Is there any etiquette you are supposed to follow for this kind of thing, or maybe a standard reply for when you're answering somebody elses e-mail for the 4th time today?

Diet Coke Mentos Goes Wrong

I nearly fell of my chair laughing.

Cuts And Beds

Definitely Cut
X-Box Live Gold Membership
LoveFilm Account
Weekly Takeaway
Having The Fucking Heating On In May

On The Chopping Block
Gym Membership
Boat Insurance
Window Cleaner

We need a new bed (well mattress really but if you're going to buy a mattress you may as well get a whole new bed? Chick logic.), what age is it acceptable to start thinking about one of those memory foam jobbies? 60, 65? I'm just looking for some ammunition for when the topic is raised. :)

Fool Proof Way Of Cutting Your Tax Bill

Taxes...boo. However I've found an absolutely fool proof way of cutting down how much tax you pay. It's not illegal, you'll not get in to any trouble and what's more you can start saving next month. How? All you need to do is cut down how much you're paid.

I've seen my income slashed by about 70% in the last month (fuck you pay freeze whingers) and I can tell you for a fact the amount of tax I'll be paying into the pot is going to be way less this year. In fact if I can just fuck up my business that tiny little bit more the government will start giving me money instead! Sweet.

And some people call me negative.

It's Like One of Those Random Facebook Updates

You know the ones, where people rant in a general way without mentioning anything even remotely specific but you can tell that they are pissed off about something, or maybe just lacking attention for a while so they feel the need to update with something/anything. Then everybody fakes interest with "What's up?" and stuff like that in the vain hope of getting the goss about what's going on.

As this stopped being somewhere I could really let rip a long while back please see this post as similar to one of those. I'll save the real fucking unleash for face to face up close and personal, it's so much more fun that way.

How Do You Spell Police Corruption?

Something Anybody Who Has Been On This Rock For A Little While Knows All About Yet What Is Never Spoken About

Fuck You Sony

I'd like to take a few minutes out of my extremely busy post holiday work schedule to bring you this important message - FUCK YOU SONY.

Thank you very much for being the bunch of useless cunts you are, how about you just stick to making your toy consoles for kids from now on and leave networks and all that nasty complicated stuff to the grown ups. Cunts.

(Credit Card Cancelled)

Gods Waiting Room

Just back from taking the girls away on a cruise, it was equal measures of joy, agony, anger and fucking stupidity. The joy being the places we visited, the agony being never ending queues (go figure when you travel with over 3000 other people..doh!!), the anger aimed at some of the other passengers and their amazing attitudes towards people who at the end of the day are just doing their jobs and finally the fucking stupidity of having a good old London "boozer" onboard that decided to have a lounge music act insead of showing the second leg from the Man United Chelsea champions league quarter final. When there were 4 other lounge music venues that night. Cunts.

Child friendly - Yes.
Old person friendly - Yes.
Parents of Child, friendly - Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Male Grooming Products

It was on the news today that P&G are trialling male only isles for grooming products because some men are embarrassed about buying from an isle that includes ladies beauty products. I don't know where they are shopping but I've never noticed my razors and shaving foam being mixed in with ladies stuff? Male deodorants have their own section, there isn't anything else is there?

I can only imagine the type of bummer products these so called men are buying but if they're looking for moisturisers and face packs then where it is in the shop should be the least of their embarrassments!

True Story

I was working in this really shitty, boring, barely more than minimum wage office job once when it quickly became fairly obvious that the facilities weren't exactly up to much. The lighting was crap for computer work, the computers were crap for computer work but worst of all the chairs were falling apart. They literally had their backs hanging off (you could spin them 360 degrees) and no arm/side supports. Within that month my back was just getting worse and worse.

I did raise it as a problem with management (and in fact swapped my better chair with somebody who was suffering more from theirs) but when there's no money there's no money. Tough shit, what you gonna do? Of course at this point I could have went to the doctors and got signed off but instead I thought it would be much easier (not to mention better for my long term health) to just go and buy one for £60. Worked a treat.

6 months later I left because of the lighting affecting my eyes, I draw the line at paying for that. I had no job to go to but I'd rather be unemployed and skint than risk long term eye problems. It was my personal choice to be there and when I decided enough was enough I was free to move on. I did leave them my nice chair. The point? I'm so fucking glad we live in a country where people are free to come and go as they like, there are so many places in the world where you can't just say "fuck this for a laugh I'll do something else". Yet so many people with this freedom shy away from using it opting for the bitching, whinging, somebody else is to blame approach instead.

Cost Of Living

I'm feeling inspired by this post and this comment in particular "also - your electricity and gas figure looks very high." (I've just paid our gas and electricity bills)

So here is our monthly figures for roughly the equivalent:-

Rent/Mortgage: 470*
Electricity and Gas: 214
Water: 22.50
TV and Broadband (inc Telephone): 97
Council Tax/Rates: 45
Contents Insurance: 5
TV Licence: 12**
Train to work: 0
Car Insurance: 20
Car Tax: 26
MOT: 0
Mobile: 35
Petrol: 50
Union: 0

* Our mortgage is so low because it's nearly paid off. The average house price over here is still around £210000 with the average mortgage around 150,000+ A 1 bedroom flat will cost you £500+ a month rent
** Think, can't actually remember how much the license is, is it still about £145?

This is of course between 2 people in our ickle first time buyer house and there's probably loads of stuff I've forgot. I think it's enough to get the gist about just how expensive your basic heat and water services are living on this rock though? I'm definitely being conservative with the petrol figure as well. Add on your basic food stuffs like a loaf of bread costing £1.30+ and milk at close to 60p a pint and all of a sudden the true cost of "low tax" becomes apparent.

These are just our figures and I'm tight as a ducks ass under water. I'd hate to think what the other lads spend with their glorified mansions (some even have 2 toilets!)

Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby

Spent most of the weekend looking at this little face.



Not a bad way to spend the weekend then :)

Babies

They cry a lot don't they?

Old and Knackered

I'm pretty fit at the moment; I work out most days. My weight is down and I eat pretty healthily. I don't drink, smoke or dress up as a lady (any more).

So why-oh-why do I wake up feeling absolutely knackered every single day with aches and pains from my shins to my asshole to my brain?

Oh yeah - coz I'm old.

Is this all I have to look forward to? Feeling progressively more like shit until eventually one of those pains is the one that kills me?

God is a wanker.

Thank feck for the Japanese Tsunami

Really.

All the media had to talk about was the Libya 'crises' - as if we all ever gave a crap. The whole of the middle east is going through unrest - and Libya are having a civil war at the moment. Good for them - but really, talk about the No-Fly zones to protect the innocent civilians? What cobblers. Impractical and unworthy. So a couple of BBC journalists get threatened - idiots. And the media keep asking Politicians 'how are we able to stand by while innocent people get attacked'? Two words. Lockerbie Bomber.

So now the dreadful scenes of carnage and devastation and live footage of cars getting swamped by the Tsunami wave have saved us from the incessant hyped frenzy of media driven outrage over Libya. The media were literally egging us on to War. Like the gobby schoolkid on the outskirts of the playground, taunting the bigger kid to hit the little kid.

Fuck em all.

I was stood in the carpark at Tokyo Disneyland - where it's now all under water. And the horrifying scenes of the wave, sluggish and relentless, and seeing the people (often unaware on the other side of buildings) amble about. First they witness, then they run. Very scary.

No Expense Spared

Would it be too much to ask for you cunts to stop with the whole "look how important we are" shit and actually start saving some fucking money? Yes, I suppose it would.

Charlie Sheen is Ace

C'mon! What a star. Please - someone pair him up with Mel Gibson in a buddy-cop movie based in Las Vegas. A warlock? Puh-lease - it's great stuff. He will be sharing his Dungeon & Dragons characters with the world next, whipping out his vorpal sword and yelling 'Take that you fiend' to the next worm he finds.

Business Ideas

A lot of the ideas I have are shit. I'll plug away for a while but eventually it becomes obvious that it's just not a goer. My work requires me to have lots of ideas so the fact that so many are shit is of little concern to me. Why?

Because every now and then one of my ideas turns out to be genius. About 8 weeks ago I had one such idea. 7 weeks of hard work later and yesterday it made its first money. Today it has made more money than yesterday. By the end of this month I "should" have recovered most of my costs. By the end of next month I'll be sat on another 90% passive gold mine.

It's going to be another good month :)

Shouldn’t be allowed!

Do you know what shouldn’t be allowed? I’ll tell you what: microwave kebabs…

I don’t know where to start. Firstly they look nothing like the picture on the box, no lettuce or tomato. In fact they don’t even look edible when you unpackage them, and you should always go with your first feeling.

But someone had given them to me and I wasn’t going to throw food out!

Anyway, don’t touch them. The Pitta is like concrete when it comes out of the microwave. As for the meat. Well even in proper shop kebab shops the meat is questionable, but imagine when it’s all put together behind closed doors… seriously I have never tasted anything like it.

So in short. Microwave kebabs… NO!

(I won’t even mention what it’s done to my bowel movements..)

It's Not A Problem, It's An Opportunity

Just one of the many differences between men and women.

When our tumble dryer broke my first thoughts were:-

"Not another fucking thing breaking"
"More bloody expense"
"Time to cut back on some other stuff"

In that order.

The wifes first thought:-

"If we're going to get a new tumble dryer we might as well get a new microwave as well, one of those nice silver ones..........oh and have you seen this cruise brochure?"

They are coming today (that'll be tumble dryer + microwave).

The path of least resistance my friend, always the path of least resistance.

Not Right

Day 4 and the hangover is still there pounding my head into the ground, it is getting better but put it this way, I wouldn't be back at work yet if I had to be. That's not good.

I enjoy a beer as much as anybody but without any notion of when enough is enough is it really worth the suffering?

.
.
.
(I can only imagine how bad things would be if the bar would have had Tequila)

Fooked

Redundency For Dummies.

Private Sector - Net contributor to government coffers turns into a net drain on government coffers. Overall effect on government finances, negative.

Public Sector - Net drain on government coffers becomes less of a net drain on government coffers. Overall effect on government finances, positive.

Redundency in private sector = an every day regular occurence with no government interest i.e. shit happens.

Redundency in public sector = only when fucking hell freezes over

22 fucking jobs out of over 8,000. 22! Redundency is shit, I can speak from personal experience (as can the rest of the manx lads) but for fucks sake you get over it, it's not the end of the world, it's not like there is even a shortage of private sector employment over here.

The Perfect Storm

What is it they say: it's all in the ... timing!

Well there are 18 separate matches on TV this weekend, and that's not including 7 hours of IRB Sevens from Las Vegas.

And what do I choose to do? Take the wife away for a romantic break!

If it was raining soup, I'd have a fork.

Monopoly

Manx Telecom are about to up their fixed line rental charge by about 10% (they don't actually tell you this in their literature, prefering to mention the actual cost increase amount, doesn't sound so bad that way) so we've decided to shop around and see what offers there are out there.....oh no hang on a minute - they have a fucking monopoly, there is no competition. When they decide to up their price by about 10% it's like it or lump it, tough shit. Why increase line rental and not call charges, in fact they are reducing some call charges? Simple. Nobody uses their home phone anymore, the only reason most people have a fixed line into the house is for internet access. The line rental charge is the only monopoly MT still hold so it's time to rape it for all it's worth before the games up. MT is owned by a Private Equity firm, shock fucking horror.

Oh and Manx Gas have just announced another price hike as well, just 4 months after their last one. We'll shop arou....oh hang on. Yep you guessed it, and owned by another Private Equity firm. What is it about these Private Equity firms and buying up companies that hold monopoly's in small countries. It's almost as if they see them as a an easy opportunity for ringing as much profit from a population as possible. Don't worry, we've got the Government to help us!

Once again, hang on a minute...

Rape Me Big Boy

And Again

Wouldn't a "normal" company be expected to find finance for its own expansion plans?

Anybody might think that all these fucking circle jerk pricks mix in the same social circles and that the island as a whole is corrupt to fuck to the benefit of the few at the expense of the average working person? Not that I'd ever suggest that of course.

Or maybe living is just getting more expensive.

5 Crap Things About Your Kids Growing Up

5. No more drinking at weekends. One of life's little joys for the working masses is to be able to chillax at the end of the working week. Not so when your kids reach their teens. There's always something on that either needs you to stay sober that night (Sleeepppooovveeerrr!) or you to drive the next day (Hobbies, trips to the shops, picking up from friends sleepovers etc etc). Any alcohol either at home or in the pub is a bad idea, you've always got to be on call (Yes, you really are still over the limit the next day after your bottles of wine!). Instead of drinking on a Friday or Saturday you'll switch to odd nights out during the week (when of course there is no other fucker out and everywhere shuts early) and let work cop the hangover the next day. On the rare occasion you do get out at the weekend gate fever takes over and 2 hours in you're so fucked up you can barely string 3 words together. The end result of this is total separation from your weekend drinking friends who you grew up with. Like taxes and death, this is inevitable.

4. The bathroom. Forget about ever having anymore time in the bathroom than it takes to have a quick shit or an in-and-out shower. If they're not camped in there for hours on end you can be sure that one of their friends will be. Not so bad if you have a couple of bathrooms but when you are poor like us it comes down to military precision to find time for a relaxing dump.

3. Finding the right group. As they get older it becomes more and more likely that the friends they have will have some influence over them in later life. Kids go from being friends with everybody in their class to finding themselves a nice group. On one hand you don't want your kids in the overly restricted "parents won't let them out of their site" freaks group, nor do you want them in the chavvy as fuck, out drinking every night, pregnant by 16 scummers. There are a whole variety of "normal" groups in-between but the likely hood is you'll find yourself aiming for one of the upper end groups and doing a lot more housework (what weekends) and a hell of a lot of running around.

2. Forget Facebook. Not an entirely bad thing this anyway but it runs much deeper than just Facebook. Everybody knows that parents have duel personalities, the person they really are and the person they choose for their kids to see. As the kids get older they want to use Facebook and before you know it, bham, you've got a friend request from your sprogs. Accept it and at this point forget ever being able to be yourself online again (well until they hit 18 and piss off). You are now a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 100% accountable for everything you post, everybody you friend, every comment you pass parent. You stop being Fred Smith to your mates and start being little Timmy's dad. This is not helped by those weird fuckers that insist on tagging photos of your kids as you! Twats.

1. Sleepovers. I can't trawl deep enough through the bowels of my stomach to put into words just how fucking much I hate the continuing insistence on fucking sleepovers. What was once a rare treat is now seen as a every fucking spare* weekend must have. Anybody else notice the numbers growing as well? It started of as having a friend to sleep and it just seems to grow and grow until they can't fit in the bedroom and take over the whole of downstairs. If there's not a gang coming around your house (which requires at least 1 day of cleaning, for girls anyway) you'll get to spend the weekend running yours around and then having to put up with the monged child which results from the fook all sleep kids get at sleepovers. I'm not even going into the expense of providing suitable meal options to suite everybody's tastes, well you can't have them having cereal for breakfast like what you do 99% of the time? I honestly just can't understand it, my parents would of quite rightly told me to piss off if I insisted on having friends sleeping all the time, especially when those same friends are ONLY seen at sleepovers. It's not even like the kids spend any time with each other when they're not sleeping at each others houses.

*spare means no kids hobbies on, not spare as in you might get some time to yourself.

Now I should probably counter all this by saying you do get the joy of watching your children developing on into the people they are really going to be, the sense of humour, the kindness, the sheer joy of watching them grow up. But balls to it, after yet another 48 hour clean up, totally dry and sleepover ridden weekend I can't bring myself to see the bright side :)

End Of The World

You're in a bar, it's just been announced that the world is going to come to an end in 5 minutes, your lovely life partner is at home and no chance of reaching her, question hot shot, which one of these girls would you get jiggy with/nail/bang?



Just for the record we voted 2 for bottom left and 1 for bottom right (They were playing locally last night)

If anyone mentions the sexist word then think yourselves fucking lucky I never posted the awesome Andy Gray rant I did.

What a Knob

No, seriously what a Knob...

Serious it's not the tax evasion that giving us a bad name, it's pillocks like this bloke Baggs!!

'Baby Doc' Duvalier

While 'Baby Doc' Duvalier is in the news with his return to Haiti (eejit) - I'll take advantage of search traffic and point everyone to Feng Shui Assassin at Smashwords. The baddie in this story (minor spoiler) is 'Papa Doc' Duvalier and his Tonton Macoute (in their weird holistic guises).

Feng Shui Assassin is a free e-book ready for your kindle, sony e-reader or to print out using your works printer. However you want to read it.

In other news - v sad at the bowing out of Mr B. F'sure the death knell for the Manx Lads blog :(

Bowing Out

I'm going to call time on my blogging with the Manx lads. Hope you are listening you lazy bastards, that means one or more of you is going to have to write something every now and then? Come on it's not like anybody around these parts actually does any real work?

Reasons are many and varied but boil down to 2 things.

1. The blog is too well known in local circles, it's a small island, there's no way I can really vent on here without shit hitting the fan in any number of directions (Content from this here blog has actually been read out in our local Parliament, fucking seriously!). Bollocks to it, if I can't rant on here what can I do....yes write about other stuff which leads neatly to point number 2

2. There isn't anything non personal (I can't do personal, see point 1) I can write on here that I don't already have a website covering. When I say website I don't mean some half arsed Blogger blog. At the very worst I mean a grown up self hosted wordpress install, at the best I'm talking about something hand built with no more than Notepad, Photoshop and a whole lotta lurve. More to the point though these websites are my living and they demand content. That's the other strange thing, if you are clever enough to follow some of the blog links up there on the right of this page you'll find some amazingly well written, witty blogs. Go on, do it! Compared to those my brain fart ramblings seem insane and I seem stupid. A stupid person who needs a spellchecker. Yet I really do make a living from publishing "stuff" online, not a shitty few quid here, few quid there supplement my benefits living but a real bonifide "holly shit you made how much last month" style living. Have been full time for the last 4 years. Honestly, there is no justice in the world. Right, I'm stopping before this edges towards the area of personal rant.

Over to you lads.

ps To the staff at the gym, yes I know you probably think I'm some sort of dodgy benefits scummer or drug dealer or some other shit, it's a natural conclusion when you look at how I dress and the fact I turn up at 8:45 every morning and am never in a rush to go anywhere! Perk of the job boys and girls. The way you smile and acknowledge all those people in their £60 Next suites, I'll have some of that next time please. Ta.

Just When I Thought I Couldn't Hate The Labour Party Any More Than I Do...

This fucking prick asks Barclays to shut down all their offshore companies! Yes Barclays, shut down those highly profitable businesses that employ thousands of people and funnel millions of pounds into the UK economy via the city of London. While you're at it please ruin a whole economy and destroy the lives of thousands of people who have done nothing but work hard to make a business profitable. Brilliant!!!

I've got no connection with Barclays or any other offshore bank for that matter, I don't work for one or rely on one. I could upsticks tomorrow and it wouldn't impact my business one bit. However, I have plenty of friends who are employed in offshore finance and you know what, I like my friends and I like them having jobs. I like my friends to have aspirations in life and some chance of achieveing them through hard work and dedication to the company that has employed them. But even more to the point, if you want Barclays to close down it's operation in anywhere that operates in a competitive manner then you might want to have a harsh close look at the UK first. Because when it comes to dodgy tax matters you fuckers take the biscuit, you want tax efficiency - check out a UK LLP.

I'd normally be the last person to defend the Isle of Man but come on, enough is enough. It's not our fault you lot have borrowed yourself into a massive fucking hole. And if you want to go down the route of not competing on tax then I'll tell you what, you go first. You stop luring business away from Europe for tax reasons, how about that? Nope. Didn't think so. Every country tries to make itself more attractive to business in whatever ways it can because every country is competing for a share of a limited pot. The sooner the Labour cunts that fucked up the UK in the first place get that into their heads the better.

Karma

I don't know what the fuck I've done to deserve the start to this year but whatever it is I'm going to try and do some good and re-balance things. So if you'd like a hand with anything technical now's the time to ask. Ever wanted to know how to do something with your PC but been too afraid to ask anybody in case it sounds stupid? Stuck on an Excel formula that's been bugging you for ages? Anything else computery pissing you off?

Just leave a comment and I'll do my best to help you out. All I ask in return is that the next time you're worshiping your god or deity of choice you let them know that Paul B is being nice.

Bravo - where are you?

WTF? Where did Bravo TV channel on Sky go?

It's just been removed from the listing from Sky channels and it is a huge loss to us all. To me, anyway. That channel had tonnes of my favourite shows - Gameface, Dog the BH, Spartacus - Blood and Sand. And I was gonna get the tattoo of the logo too :(

Bravo - I will miss your Saturday morning entertainments, your Friday night shows and your late night 'happy tissue' moments . . .

Christmas Games I've Barely Started

Happy New Year! Hope that everybody has started the new year with a bang and are already rocking and a rolling their way to their goals. We went to a brilliant new years house party and then had the added bonus of hangovers that only made it to a 7/10 on the "oh fucking hell somebody just smash my head in with a fucking axe this hurts so much" scale. All in all a great way to start the new year.

As Christmas has come and gone for another year so the half played with pressies are littered around the house, top amongst these being the assortment of video games that I've dabbled with but not had the time to really throw myself into.

1. Assassins Creed Brotherhood - I hated the first one, enjoyed the second one until the ending but so far haven't managed to get into the 3rd. I've played it for a couple of hours but I'm still at the dicking around in the Villa stage. The second one seemed to grab you by the scruff of the neck much more and it's going to take some serious will power to get fully immersed in this. It's a present so of course I'll see it through to the end. Chance of me completing - 100%

2. Grand Tourismo 5 - Loved the first, never played any of the others until this one. Only bought it because it promised proper 3D gaming. It does, but it's crap. 3D works best when the camera doesn't move much and objects move freely (in and out) within shot. FPS stuff in 3D looks shit, no matter how much you turn up the depth. 3rd person replays on the other hand look amazing. All style over substance, possibly, and the same could be said about the rest of the game. It's neither simulation enough nor arcadey enough to just be a fun blast. The Xbox has 3 racing games that piss all over this so why would I choose to play it? Chance of me completing it - 25%. Chances of the replays being shown off as an example of 3D gaming - 100%

3. Trials HD - I don't have many friends on xbox live choosing to only play people I actually know in real life, not random American kids who still think tea-bagging and shouting owned is why xbox live was invented. I noticed that most of my mates had started playing this and my competitive streak just wouldn't let it go. I rule. Love it, brilliant fun. The only niggle I have and it's a niggle I've used about games before, is that the difficulty goes from taking 30 seconds to complete a stage with no faults to taking 10 minutes with 150 faults in the time it takes to boil a kettle. Other than that fucking stunning. Chance of me completing it - 50% (although it won't be through a lack of trying, just another 5 minutes.....)

4. WRC 2010 - Ever since I bought the force feedback wheel I wanted to try a rally game. I've played just about everyone going back to Toyota Celica and Lombard RAC on the Amiga so if there's one genre I know a bit about it's this. There are so many things not great about this game, the presentation is a bit dull, the way it lets you retry a stage numerous times, the graphics aren't right up there. BUT something makes up for all that, the car handling. They've nailed it and with the wheel dialed in properly this game is just hours and hours of fun. You do need to turn of all the driver aids and use a manual gear box and it will take you lots of time to get good (having to practice at a game does not make it a shit game) but once you get in the zone it's a real stunner. There is no comparison between playing this game with a wheel and GT5 in 3D in terms of an immersive gaming experience, WRC 2010 wins hands down (maybe I need a wheel for GT5, there's a thought). Chance of me completing it - 100%

I also have Art Academy on the DS cos I like to draw but admitting that would be a bit gay so I'll leave it out.

Ying and Yang

On the plus side we've only just got through the coldest spell of weather in years. On the not so good side New Years Eve with the expense of Christmas still fresh in the mind can never be a good time for the central heating to go bang! As a very wise man once said, shit happens.

Here's wishing that you have all had an excellent Christmas and all the very best for a fantastic (and warm) New Year!

Fuck

How is it that everybody can see where this is heading except for our Treasury Minister?

The Difference Between 3D And HD

When HD first came out it was a fad, only good for gaming, it will never ever catch on with the mainstream. I ignored the opinions of doubters (most who had never actually seen it) and jumped onboard with one of the very first Sky+ HD boxes. I was one of a lucky few who had it in time for the 2006 world cup. Very happy I was as well. On the other hand the missus would (and will still) swear blind that she couldn't see any difference between SD and HD. "It doesn't look any different", she would whinge, mocking my investment in cutting edge tech in the process. Jump forward 4-5 years and you'll now find HD has managed to find its way onto Freeview and Freesat. All the mainstream broadcasters in the UK have at least one HD channel. The Sky HD offering has blossomed, a lot of people will only watch HD especially for anything even remotely live or filmy. If shit aint 1080p then it aint good enough. All this despite a large portion of people (my wife being one) insisting that it's no different to SD and that those extra pixels make jack shit difference.

3D in the home on the other hand is a fad, only good for gaming and will never ever catch on with the mainstream. I again ignored the doubters and have bought into it early. The wife watched a demo yesterday. She screamed and ducked when one of the dancers threw his hat off towards her, I couldn't help but laugh. "So you could tell the difference between 2D and 3D then?", I asked. "YES!!!"

Should You Bring Your Partner To The Christmas Party?

From The BBC.

It would have been much simpler to just replace that whole article with the word NO.

Fallout 3 New Vegas Review Part 2

I've just finished it, 25 hours of gameplay later and whilst the story doesn't get much better (at least the 1 I played) the bugs seem to settle down quite a lot, or maybe you just don't notice them as much? Overall I had 5 corrupt saves, which wasn't so bad once I'd got into the habit of doubling up.

What I will say though is I can't believe that they made exactly the same mistake as the first game with the ending - you can't carry on with your character! I was a touch over 25 hours for my playthrough, in that time I reached level 20 and did a good amount of side quests. It still took all my effort to beat the big boss (Legate* in my case) at the end of the game so I reckon on normal difficulty you've got to have put in a similar number of hours to finish. BUT then, after you've invested all that time into the game there's no chance of exploring the open world. WHY??? Fallout 3 made that mistake which they corrected with a DLC, why have they done the same with Fallout 3 New Vegas? I completed the game without using any alternative ammo, without making any weapons, without using a single companion - I'd like to see some of that but I really don't want to play the whole game through again, life's too short. Besides which when you start the game there's a lot of parts of the map which are just too difficult to survive in. I'd love to explore the whole map properly with my main story finished character but I'm not allowed, bastards.

Overall Score For Fallout 3 New Vegas - 7/10


*Legate spoiler, how to beat him. I was level 20 on normal difficulty and I can't tell you how annoyed I was getting trying to kill this asshole. It took me at least 50 goes, this was even more annoying because the whole of the final mission was a peice of piss up until then (I don't like games that go from easy to stupidly hard in 1 split second). I had some fairly powerful weapons but he'd just cut straight through my Power Armour with his chopper if he got too close, I only had 6 simpacks so once he was in my face it was all over. Anyhoo, luckily I'd kept all my landmines during the game so what I did was lay them all down in a long line on the path he comes down. Then rather than start a conversation with him I just shot him in the head with a gauss gun, this got his attention and he'd then run down the path towards me, setting off every mine on the way. By the time he'd got to the bottom I'd taken at least 80% of his health off and his legs were crippled. It was fairly easy then to finish him off with a couple more headshots. Once he was out of the way his guards were no trouble.

Is There Such A Thing As An Ugly Gabriela?

My one of these:-



arrived in not very good shape so I've been in a support yo-yo conversation with Dell trying to get it fixed. My support chick is called Gabriela and I'm imagining she looks something like this:-



With a name like Gabriela she's got to be a hotty in her early 20's, dark, perky with a tight body hasn't she?

They've agreed to send a tech to replace the motherboard but I bet they'll look more like this:-

Kids Are Thick

Neighbours kids a couple of houses up are at that 17-19 age where they have their first cars. They've woken this morning to a (very) light sprinkling of snow which has covered their windscreens. It's not really a Krypton Factor level challenge to clear snow and ice from a windscreen is it? IS IT?

Queue one girl desperately phoning her dad in a screaming fucking hissy fit in the middle of the street, "But I caaaaaaannnntttt seeeeeee!".

The lad on the other hand took a more laid back approach, I'd say he is going for the "lean against the car until the sun melts it" technique.

OK, so our generation has problems knowing how to fix things like our dads did, fair enough. In the large scale of things though that's got to be fuck all compared to the next generation which can't even manage to melt snow! Even bastard cavemen must have got their heads around that one?

Fallout New Vegas Review

It's very similar to Fallout 3, but broke.

X-Factor Compiler

Most of the people who really know me know that I have a touch of magic when it comes to computers. When you've got these sort of skillz it's best to put them to good use for the rest of humanity, no point keeping the good stuff to yourself. So spawns my latest creation - the X-Factor Compiler.

I don't want to bore the none nerds among you but essentially the X-Factor Compiler is a mathematically based image generation system (remember fractals anybody?). It takes all the comments about X-Factor from Facebook, reduces the text down to its core hex and applies weighted values from a given formula to generate a 2 dimensional array of 24-bit numbers, or as we like to call it, an image.

This weeks X-Factor source included:-

"... Team Katie, you go girl... You show em."

"Rebecca or Matt to win - amazing, best singers ever!"

"does know one realise whilest their voting katie to stay in their keeping that idiot in the sooner the pair of them go the better!!"

and the image generated
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I can't be 100% sure but it does have some resemblance to Quasimodo eating a dog turd.

iPhone 4 sound problem on video playback

I got me an iphone 4 a month or so ago - so I could donate the iphone (3?) on to the girlfriend so she could oooh and aaah at the apple iphone. Technology as it should work, and all that. Yup, love the interface and slidey finger over the panel thing, the apps and the maps and all that stuff.

So, the iphone4 comes with a startling video facility on the camera. Shoot quality video on your iphone - they even have the adverts telling you about it. Great! So I wanted to start shooting some Indy film thing, or at least iphone porn. But there is a huge problem with the playback on any video shot on the iphone4. A hissing static on the video playback.

A frickin' annoying hissing static that is quite audible, v distracting and certainly puts a kaibosh on the remaking of Hairflick as an iphone4 shot&edited film (yep - having downloaded the iMovie app you can edit your video's all on the iphone.)

Not the only one either - Apple : Support : Discussion (no answer) - and having taken the iphone 4 back into the local dealers (Sure Mobile) to swap it for a fully working model (before my warranty for returns runs out) - I find that all their batch of iphone 4 has the same problem.

Wonderful looking video. Just mute the sound because you'll get an underlying hiss on video playback. Apple have dropped the ball on this 'un. Focus on the quality video - but terrible sound quality...

That's my preach. And perhaps this post'll add to the growing dissatisfaction for people with the iphone 4 hissing on video playback problem.

Some Girl I Went To School With...

is going to brave going into town with her baby today.

Thank fuck for Facebook is all I can say! Imagine having to go through life missing out on those fucking gems of information.

Seriously considering following the lead of nobody and binning the book.

Steam Racket

"As of June 2009 the company is under investigation by a Select Committee of Tynwald, the Isle of Man's parliament. One of the concerns of Tynwald is the annual published profit margins by the Isle of Man Steam Packet Company, which according to Hansard, are 36% - almost three times the industry standard for ferry companies throughout the world." THREE FUCKING TIMES.

And why does it need such a massive margin? From Manx Radio -

"Mr Malarkey believes the real problem lies in the fact the company is servicing massive loans, taken out by its parent company McQuarrie." Who'd have guessed?

So in the face of their first bit of competition do they:-

A - Accept a lower profit margin, lower freight prices to increase their competitiveness and try and win back customers whilst at the same time lowering foot passenger fares to increase the number of people using the fleet and stop half empty sailings. More people onboard means a busier bar and more £4 sandwiches being sold.

B - Blame it on foot passenger rates and threaten to increase them, cut services and lay off staff (in order to maintain their 36% profit margin)

C - Blame it all on a user agreement that has allowed them up to now to financially pillage the Manx public (and businesses) for a 36% profit margin

D - Expect some sort of Government intervention in order to maintain their 36% profit margin

E - All of B,C and D

This Week I'll Mostly Be Playing

I have a Mass Effect expansion I want to get through although I'll need to start a new profile. Who's stupid idea was it to only be able to launch the DLC from the Normandy? Yeah, OK I don't have any saves before the game sucks you towards the final showdown so I'll take some of the blame.

Following on from that I have Mass Effect 2 winging its way towards me right now, game of the year so can't go wrong. It'll be a toughy to decide which profile to carry forward (damn you Mass Effect DLC)

Finally, Fallout 3 New Vegas should be here by the weekend. Fallout 3 is right up there amongst my favourite games of all time and even with all the bugs I can't wait to play this. Will be nice to see how accurately they've mapped it, going to go back to Vegas in February to compare notes. Can't beat a bit of Vegas.

Once those are out the way the Christmas run up includes

Call of Duty Black Ops
Assassin's Creed Brotherhood
Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare

This is always a busy time of year when it comes to gaming but fortunately for me I've declared my work year over. Time to unwind and prioritise what does and doesn't get done, I've made my money and can happily say fuck it till next April. Talking of which I'm off to watch Alien 3 Extended Edition on Bluray.

(You'll notice no mention of Fable 3, I know I'm on my own here but I found Fable 2 to be the biggest let down turd of a game I've played in years, and they reckon this one is worse)

Question

If the advertised salary for a vacancy is "highly competitve" why don't they just give you the amount?

Is it maybe because it's not competitive, it's fucking shit, so shit that you wouldn't bother getting of your ass to apply if you knew how shit it was? Is it because it pays only ever so slighlty better than being a scrounging cunt - plus has the downside of you actually having to do something? Fuck knows. At what point did companies think it was ok to stop giving a "in the region of" figure?

The more the days, weeks, months and years grind on the more I know I was born in the wrong decade. My annoyed with life bullshit o'meter has finally hit full. Fuck the lot of it, I give up.

Can't Believe I've Done It

Made my first million? Changed my views on wastrel fucking governments? Nope. Much more important than that, for the first time in my life I've cancelled a pre-order! That sort of shit never happens.

I've been humming and hahing about Kinect for a few weeks, every report I read although positive ends with some sort of warning, "shit if your sitting down", "shit if you move your hands too far", "shit unless you live in a barn".

What finally did it for me was admiring our ever growing collection of family Wii games whilst looking out of the corner of one eye at the Wii, Wii Controllers, Wii Balance Board and Wii Motion Plus jobbies all gathering dust. I've also just completed Mass Effect, I fucking love real games me, is there any chance Kinect will offer something new to real gamers and not just offer 40 something women and pissed teenagers another way of dancing around their front rooms like utter twats? I doubt it*. I doubt it enough to have saved myself £129.99. The only decision now is put it on black or buy 129 lottery tickets?




* Not saying that I'll never buy it, hell if I'm wrong I'll be the first mug on eBay snapping one up for £700 or whatever the going rate will be by Christmas

Chilean Miners Saved By God

"Thank God". If I had a pound for every time I'd read or heard that about the miners rescue I'd have at least 7 pound, just from the last few hours. With how busines has been the last week I could use that £7.

Lucky then that TV companies had a chance to interview God before he jetted off back home to America, "I just came here to drill" God announced on the completion of the rescue hole. Good old God turned up after seeing the plight on TV with a crack team of drillers and managed to reach the men in less than half the time the Chilean authorities expected. A bit like Armageddon but without slow motion walking and a poncy Steve Tyler soundtrack. Did God expect worship? No, he was more than happy with a job well done, top man!

He does work in mysterious ways but surely wearing a hard hat and being knee deep in shit has to be pushing it a bit.

That Big Nasty C

For the second weekend out of three I'm going to be spending a chunk of time visiting a relative with terminal cancer. Not the same relative, we buried my uncle 4 days after I last "spoke" to him (In as much as you can speak with a vegetable).

Less than 10 days and a bolt out of the blue later my step mum is squaring up to face the unbeatable bastard. Cancer, it's a bit of a twat really.

Everything Online Is Fucking Toss

It is you know. The whole fucking lot of it.

Anything to do with a service being sold online is fucking s.h.i.t.e. Trust me, I've been involved in the online world long enough to know. The latest fuckers determined to undermine my business are hosts and domain registrars. When I'm not being bent over the table by a crooked registrar I'm being let down by some host and their "99% uptime" bullshit. 75% wouldn't be bad you fucking pricks. It's not like I'm paying you for a service....oh hang on a minute. Where else in business could you get away with a contractually agreed service level and then just say "tough fucking shit" when you don't deliver? Welcome to the world of online. It sucks ass.