Monday, October 30, 2006

A life shared is a life halved

There is a famous book called DiscWorld in which two characters wander around having great adventures.

One of the characters is known as The Tourist. At the end of the book, he elects to go home rather than continue adventuring. When asked why, he replies that the point of adventuring is just to create memories for him to reminisce about from the comfort of his armchair.

Life is a bit like that. We lead interesting, eventful lives just so we have something to talk about when we reach 70.

One of the advantages of having a lifelong partner is that the memory database is shared. I like nothing better than sitting down in the evening with Shirley and a cup of cocoa and getting all nostalgic about the colourful episodes from our past.

"Remember when Take-That first came out", I say, "and we went to that party and I was dancing and everyone thought I moved like Robbie Williams? I was such a good dancer back then"

"No, what I remember is you being totally pissed, stumbling about the dancefloor and everyone staring at you coz you're such a twat. God I was embarrassed"

"Yeah, and that Cat Suit made you look like a slut"

"I looked good in that Cat Suit, you bastard!"


Okay, not a good example.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Is there a God - Part IIb

In response to the response to the previous blog...

I don't want people to think I'm some kind of gay Christian. God didn't create Adam, Eve, life or even Stars. And certainly didn't shag Mary. Or Buddha. He couldn't give two shits whether you perve over your neighbours missus or kill baby sheep (aka lambs).

Life forming (or not) is not proof either way on the existence of a higher power. The likelihood of life forming is ENORMOUSLY HUGE compared to the likelihood of atoms* forming.

Imagine a length of guttering a billion miles long. Roll a marble down it, the marble will eventually find the optimum position (i.e. the bottom). This is Life. Given enough time (and guttering), it will form.

Now turn the guttering over and roll the marble along it in the vein hope it will run perfectly along the ridge of the guttering. This is the balance required for atoms to form. The slightest imperfection and the Universe is annihilated. It is the ONLY example of perfection in the Universe.

Given 18 Billion years and trillions of planets of raw material, life was BOUND to form sooner or later. It would be shocking if it hadn't (of course, who would be shocked?)

But unlike "life", atomic balance had only ONE chance in a timescale that makes a picosecond seem like an Eon.

All "God" did was instigate that balance, the rest took care of itself. God probably did that and then fucked off to the "pub" to wait for B&Q to form so he can get some odd-jobs done around the house.

If you came home from work to find your living room tastefully redecorated, your library sorted into ISBN Number order, a nice Chilli waiting on the table and live Rugby on the Telly, there comes a point where you have to accept that someone deliberately did all this and that it wasn't just a fluke.

*I use the word atoms, I might mean Leptons or Quarks or something. I really don't remember. My grasp of 'string theory' is limited to say the least.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Is There A God - Part II

I've spent many months not researching this. I literally haven't spoken to dozens of people about their beliefs/non-beliefs and assimilated thousands of pages of statistics not on this very subject. I didn't visit the National Library and didn't spend many a dark night reading through ancient Tomes from Babylon and the Red Sea.

And I've finally reached my conclusion:


I base my conclusion on the Triumvirate of Indisputable Facts that I have entitled "Scientific Likelihood", "The Programmer" and "No point"

Today, I shall cover the first Truth, although all are equally important.

I spent a little time studying Quantum Physics a few years back. Now, my memory of it is a bit hazy, but apparently, there are some physicists who say the statistical likelihood of sub-atomic particles (Hadrons, Quarks, Photon Torpedoes etc) organising themselves into a form of matter capable of supporting a Universe of Galaxies, Stars and Planets is sooooooooooo small, it CAN'T have happened by chance. Only a MIGHTY BEING could have orchestrated this.

Seriously, following the big bang, the Dead-Small-Bits(tm) should have dispersed equally. The coincidentally perfect balance between sub-atomic attraction, electric repulsion and gravity is beyond belief. Literally.

The chances of the Universe forming like it did is like getting a bucketful of sand, throwing it into the air and watching it land in a perfect 3D representation of my dick and balls. Balanced on the head of a needle. Despite a howling gale. And there being no bucket. Or sand. This is way more likely to happen.

And that kind of thorough scientific research is good enough for me.

Science proves there is a God. Ironic? You be the judge.

The one with the Problem

The Australian muslim leader speaking his mind (context is liberally accepted) has accused some women of attracting sexual assault by the way they dress (ie - that they do not wear the hajib and are therefore considered "uncovered meat") Ooh Matron!.

This highlights the real reason why the hajib (head dress) is worn by muslim women is the oppressive attitude of Muslim men. Visiting muslim countries western women soon learn to cover up - not so much out of respect for the culture or taking note of the countless warnings in the brochures - but because the men in these countries stare and leer and openly grope any woman with an inch of flesh showing.

The hajib may be the dress code for Muslim women - but dig to the roots of the reasons why - and it is yet another oppression of women. Sheesh.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It's Time

It’s time we all stood up and let everyone know that there is in fact NO GOD. It’s not just me that thinks like this, it’s a lot of people, mostly intelligent people. If you don’t believe me, and require more reading to make up your minds, try the following posts.

LC’s is more plain language.
Wired - Battle of the New Atheism
Huffington Post - Richard Dawkins: Why there almost certainly is no god

Basically, it just plain stupid to believe in God, there is no proof, not even the slightest tiniest bit of proof. If you need to fill your live with anything, why not try either concentrating on your family or taking up a hobby or past-time.

What you shouldn’t do is anything to do with religion.

Once religion is out the way, they whole world can settle down and concentrate on repairing all the damage we have done to this planet.

Remember: There is NO SUCH THING AS GOD.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Playing a blinder

My wife is strange but lovely. Or strangely lovely. Whatever.

We were driving home a few weeks back in the early evening. Our route took us up a certain hill in a westerly direction.

Sure enough the sun was near setting and (magnificent though it was) was blinding. Even with sunshades down, it was almost impossible to see the oncoming traffic.

My delightful wife commented on this:

"This is awful, I can't see a bloody thing"
"I agree", I agreed
"They should do something about this"

This took me totally by surprise and it took me a while to reply

"Darling...pardon my ignorance...but who is 'they' ?"
"You know, the government?"
"Er. I see. And, out of interest, what do you suggest they do about the gargantuan ball of flaming gas 93 million miles away in space?"
"Well, I don't know, do I? I'm just saying, I can't see where I'm going, what am I supposed to do?"

Friday, October 20, 2006

Bloody Foreigners

I don't like them and I don't think they should be allowed into the Island unless they have achieved a (to be determined) level of suitability.

I would suggest a Degree (or higher) from a recognized University, no criminal record of any sort and a squeakily clean bill of health. They should also be required to invest in £20,000 worth of Government bonds for a period of 5 years. And be able to pass English GCSE (which, if my son can do it, anyone can).

When achieving citizenship, they should be required to swear allegiance to the Rock forsaking ALL others. And no dual-citizenship; you're either Manx or your not.

Australia and Canada do this kind of thing (almost) and attract rich, intelligent 'dirty foreigners' which add to the common good and who are more than keen to integrate.

We, however, are taking on a dumbass underclass who will bleed the state dry and take the average quality of life down rather than up. This smelly underclass will resent the indigenous population and will refuse to integrate which will pose problems in the future.

I hear the counter-argument that the incomers help boost the economy; read that as "my house will be worth more". Greed is no reason to forsake a Cultural Identity.

The Northern Europeans have warred, killed, suffered and toiled over the last 5,000 years to achieve the current level of security, culture and dignity that exists nowhere else. Don't squander it in a couple of decades due to political correctness. We earnt our (currently) elevated position.

It's the human "race", not the human "as long as everyone gets a turn and no-one loses or calls anyone any names" for f*cks sake.

Political Correctness? Get a f*cking backbone.

Rant over.

footnote: this is pure rhetoric - it's already too late. Wave goodbye to the old world, the world of diversity, colour, contrasts and mystery. If you can buy Chicken Nuggets in an Indian Restaurant and Chicken Tikka in Marxies, then the balance has tipped.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Chilli & Chocolate & ID3

We had my chilli last night with the secret ingredient, which was chocolate. Apparently a couple of chunks of dark chocolate adds some sweetness to the chilli. God knows if it did, I certainly couldn’t taste it, but I can say the whole thing was gorgeous, in fact I’ve just had the remains on toast for lunch.

That’s about it. I’ve done nothing at all at work this week, and have spent all of the time looking at reviews of my soon to be new MP3 player (if my wife actually orders it for me). Tonight is going to be an early night, as I never sleep properly after I have been drinking and last night was no exception. Although I did catch a few episodes of the X Files between 2.30am and 4.30am.

The only other thing I might do tonight is sort out my MP3 files. Once I get my new toy in December I can sync it with the PC using Windows Media Player, however, 40% of my MP3 files don’t have complete ID3 tags and so don’t show up what the track, Artist, Album etc is in WMP, which has been fine up to now, as I tend to play tracks my clicking on the file in Windows Explorer. But I shall make the effort of going through them all and delete those that don’t have complete labels. I have until Chrimbo day. I shall also get a small collection on my favourite photo’s ready, and a couple of Music Vids. I wonder if I can persuade her to give it to give early. I hate waiting for things once I know I am getting something.

So it’s just hanging on waiting for the bell to go home. Look busy and drink lots of tea.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Today and Stuff

Quiet night last night, the only highlight was making the Chilli for tonight; apparently it is better if it is left to rest for a day or so. Plus I added the secret ingredient. Which I won’t tell what it is until after we taste it, I am not one of those that taste’s food as it cooks. If it’s going to be horrible, I’d rather not know till the last minute and then there’s nothing that can be done. A sort of fatalist cooking mantra.

In other news, as usual I was reading Stuff magazine and stumbled upon a cool bit of kit that I instantly thought, I’d like one of those. So I’ve spent all morning looking up reviews of it, and they are all very good. So I have decided that it’s my Christmas and Birthday present rolled in to one.

It’s a Sandisk Sansa E series, which comes in various sizes from 2GB to 8GB flash memory. The pros are: it plays all the usual Music formats, it also plays videos and displays photos on a very nice TFT screen. It also has a MicroSD card slot to expand the memory even more. Plus and the big plus, they are very cheap for all the features you get.

That’s this morning’s work, what shall I virtual buy this afternoon?

What to do this afternoon. Roll on 5.00pm.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Very Good Article

Within 100,000 years the divide between rich and poor could lead to two human sub-species

HUMANITY could evolve into two sub-species within 100,000 years as social divisions produce a genetic underclass, a scientist said yesterday.

A most interesting article indeed.,,2-2406821,00.html

Although it doesn’t mention who will win the Bluray v’s HD DVD war, or which next generation gaming console will be victorious.

Things gone by and to come

Friday night is as usual a far a distant time that I can no longer recall.

Saturday I played in the town park for an hour with the wee one, and then visited my Stylist for a trim. Once lunch was over, it was down a different park this time, with the two children. We played and played till it was dark and cold. Home and the wee one was put to bed, then wife, middle son and I had a picnic tea on the floor watching X Factor and then a horror movie (not too mention three bottles of wine).

Sunday is non descript, I remember everyone settling down after our Sunday Lunch and watching the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, but that’s about it.

Last night, I played Age of Myth Titans Expansion on the laptop and had a fantastic two hour battle that saw me victorious.

I did get a bit annoyed at the wife, who immediately fell a sleep when her head hit the pillow, whilst I tossed and turned for ages, went down stairs and watch Sexcetera for a couple of hours and finally felt I could sleep. Well till the bin men arrived at 6.00am this morning.

My highlight of the week coming is of course going out with the wife on Saturday, but very close is the televised Sale Sharks game on Friday night.

The only other news is about my poor knees, they are still giving me jip after playing Squash last week, so I have missed a full week at the Gym, and the way they hurt at the moment, I can’t see me going again at least for this week. I may even have to see a Family Practioner about them.

Later Days

Friday, October 13, 2006

Big Night In

Well, it's been a while since I last had a hangover in work. Normally, being a member of the great unwashed, I could just lie in my bed until midday and get up feeling refreshed. But today I have to face facts; I'll be suffering until I've had my lunch. It's not pleasant. At least I don't have to go see clients (so far).

I've got coffee to help me wake up, paracetamol for my sore brain and chewie for my breath.

Coz I didn't half eat an awful lot of Doritos and Salsa Dip. I must stink like a plumbers arse.

The night itself went very well. Thanks to all who showed up. Practically half a dozen. And I managed to come last in both games of Halo I played - oh, how the mighty fall. I remember the days...

Thursday, October 12, 2006


I have just heard that we have to pay an extra 2% in to our work pension scheme next year and the year after.

Given that over the last 2 years we have been paid a wage increase of 1.75%, means I shall have to expect a pay cut for the next 2 years…

Needless to say, what a bunch on Coooooooooooooonts.

Bush\Blair\Innocent Deaths\Sore Knees

We watched that Flight 93 DVD last night, about the 4th Airplane that was hi-jacked on 9/11, the one where the passengers fought back. It’s was actually quite good which surprised me.

But it also leads me in to another rant about the Bush/Blair ill-legal invasion of Iraq, remembering that the Al Qaeda attack on 9/11 lead to 2752 deaths.

It has since been proved that Iraq had nothing to do with the attacks and that there were no weapons of mass destruction found either.

So how many people have the Americans killed now in Iraq:

An estimated 655,000 Iraqis have died since 2003 that might still be alive but for the US-led invasion, according to a survey by a US university. Not quite an Eye for an Eye.

There I’ve said my peace.

Back to the normal dross of my life.

I played Squash last night and managed to lose all 8 games. My fitness was starting to tell towards the end and it was getting close, it’s a pity my skill level wasn’t as high.

The negative side of playing last night is that my right knee has been in agony all night. It fact it was so sore I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned till 2.30am, then I tried an hour in the spare room, but that didn’t work either. So I popped downstairs and watched TV till 5.30am this morning. Of course I was then woken by the alarm at 7.30am.

I hate sleeping and I hate my worn out knees.

I hope I’m not too tired to go round the Canucks house tonight.

Later Days


Was wondering what to write to commemorate a milestone moment in the West bringing Civilisation to the world.

The Lancet and MIT (two of the worlds most highly regarded organisations) have estimated 600,000+ violence related deaths due to the Iraq War. Mr George Bush and friends have said this figure is rubbish. Not credible. Nonsense.

30,000 is more likely.

Question is, who do you trust? A bunch of Doctors or a man who's responible for 30,000 deaths?

We are the bad guys.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Last Job of the Summer

I did the final cut of the year last night, so the lawn is now ready for its winter slumber. How suburban is that? Grass cut and lawn mower washed down, lightly oiled and put away till summer. After that I was burnt out. All I could do was sit on the couch, eating Chip Sticks and watching a DVD.

In other news, I walk under three Conkers trees on my way to work every morning, and recently I have been picking up the little round things and bringing them home. But I have been warned not to bring any more home as the house is full. Well it was very windy last night, and there were literally hundreds of them all over the place. Some bloody big ones as well. It was such an effort not to grab them.

Squash tonight, and then it’s settling down with the wife, a bottle of wine and a DVD. Tomorrow, its round one of the lads houses to play Xbox 360 and drink beers.

Later Days

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Nope Nothing !

Yet again I find myself with nothing to do at work. I really am more than half tempted to actually see if any one needs a hand, or have anything that they want looking at. I have had a few requests from the lads for different things to search on the web for, but it’s not that easy.

My desk is right next to the tea/coffee machine, right next to the printers and on the main walk way through the office, so there is always somebody walking past me. Therefore I just can’t surf willy nilly as somebody would bound to make a snide comment. So what I have to do is surf to a web page and then copy and paste the contents in to Word, I then pretend to be constantly working on documents.

If I am this bored tomorrow, I’m either going to take a sickie or ask for some work to do.

As for things to do this week, I forgot about going round the Manx Canadian’s house on Thursday with the lads. Plus there is a load of Rugby on this weekends TV.

Last night I had a great time, the youngest and I went up the park. I love playing in the park in the dark. We ran around and had the whole place to ourselves with lots of laughing and giggling. It was a very mild night.

After the tired little bunny went to bed, the wife and I had a fantastically relaxing night, with some pink bubbly.

Right, I’m off to do some practise questions on the MSCA exam. It’s amazing that 99% of the questions for the exam didn’t get covered on the course and Microsoft expect you to do the extra learning yourself.

Well have a great day everybody.

Monday, October 09, 2006


We finally got rid of the Guinea Pigs…. I’m afraid the children failed in their responsibility task of looking after the little fur balls. 9 out of 10 times, it was the wife and I who ended up feeding and cleaning them out. After a final warning, we got rid of them. I’ll sort of miss them actually, but they went to a very good home.

In other news, we went to a Wedding Anniversary on Saturday Night, and I was a dancing dervish. All legs and arms… Unfortunately, there were a few people from work there, so I have had nothing but piss takes all morning. But come lunch time, they would have moved on to something else. Anyway, they are just jealous.

I also received a call late Sunday evening for one of the lads. His wife is expecting their first child in 4 weeks, and he is panicking that he won’t have the baby room ready in time. So he was wondering if I could give him a hand one day and blast our way through it, a sort of Amish Barn Raising without the guns.

Of course after I said Yes, and put the phone down I got to thinking.

He’s panicking that it won’t be ready; his first thought is, how can I get this done quickly and more importantly, cheaply. He has a reputation for being a rich miser. He has two houses and only one very small mortgage. His first thought should have been, let’s get a Professional in to do it. Then his second thought would have been, No that will cost money.

Then his thought would have been, well I actually work for myself, why not take a few days off work and get stuck in. This would have been followed, by: No, I can’t do that as I would not make any money those days.

So he finally comes up with the idea, I know, I’ll ring Paul, he can’t say no to a mate. He’ll turn up, we start sanding and then I’ll get an “emergency” call and have to go service a boiler somewhere for 4 hours and I can leave Paul to do all the work. Excellent, now where is his number?

The cheap Jewish bastard.

Things to look forward to this week:

Playing Squash Wednesday

I think that’s it really.

Ah well.

Idol Worship

I don't know if anyone knows, but I'm a big fan of Michael Schumacher. Not like a freaky stalker person, but I own a couple of books, a few F1 videos and a cap. Actually, I don't own a cap. Well I do, but not an MS one. But I digress.

In case you didn't know, MS basically lost his final ever (he's retiring) F1 Championship yesterday when his engine blew up and his rival finished first.

I was gutted.

And this got me to thinking; isn't it strange how we (i.e. society) transfer our hopes and dreams to another individual. People we've never met. People who don't know we exist.

Yesterday, my happiness/sadness relied on a very rich german man who wouldn't p!ss on me if I was on fire.

I've therefore decided in future to exclusively base my quality of life on things nearer to home:

So, later on today, rather than getting caught up in the latest Big Brother/Pop Idol/Love Island, I'm planning to have a quick one off the wrist. I'm nervous, maybe it won't go well, maybe I'll fail. But if it does work out, I'll be a very happy man. And I've contacted ITV to see if they want to televise it.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

It’s been a long time

Since I blogged, or at least it feels like ages. The main reason was apathy and combined with nothing really happening in my life, this lead to my lengthy absence.

Well I have nothing to do at work (or at least I can’t be bothered doing anything) and so I decided to pull my finger out.

I was on a course for a week, the high point of which was the Pub lunches. I had meant to knuckle down and do so revision and then do the exam, but 3 weeks later and I still haven’t open the course book again.

The family are all fine. The children are great. The eldest is still off school more than he is at school. But I finally got to read his School report from last year, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. At least all the teachers mentioned how polite and well mannered he was, however, they also all mentioned that he is easily distracted and doesn’t concentrate. I was surprise at some of the lesson’s he was doing really well in.

The middle one is fine. He has started rehearsals for his Christmas Panto, and so will be busy Saturdays and Sundays from now till the New Year.

The youngest is also doing well, and is constantly keeping everyone laughing. He is such a good kid. Last night we went and played on the beach straight from work. Then when it got too cold, we went looking for Conkers.

With Merry Xmas not far away, I am trying convince one of the kids that they want a Nintendo Wii. If you watch the trailer at the top of that page, I’m sure you’ll all want one.

I want the following for Merry Xmas:

Philips 37” HD LCD TV

Yamaha YSP 1100

Fuji FinePix F30

Qtek 8500 Smartphone

Sony Vaio VGN-AR21S

That’s all I can think off at the moment, there is about £5,500 worth of kit there, so you might want to all chip in. I wouldn’t want to get two TV’s would I?

Apart from that, the wife and I have an Anniversary to go to this Saturday. I don’t think we are have a Halloween party this year, as we are too skint.

The only other thing I was going to mention, was why do people buy tiny little iPod Nanos, and then stick fuck off huge Headphones in it??

Ah well, that’s all for another few weeks.

Have a great October