Second Wii Injury

We’ve rack up the second Wii injury after an exceptional excellent evening out with our friends. There were loads of wine and laughs, and merriment. However, when everyone came back to ours, most of the evening is a blank, which is best as apparently I was doing a striptease, and showing off my arse.

Anyway, whilst demonstrating the Tennis, I managed to clout the wife right on the elbow, which has come up in a lovely huge bruise.

I know I keep going on about it, but the Wii has been an excellent addition to our family.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Hope that everybody got everything they wanted for Christmas, my sack was quite literally bursting, I must have been a very good boy? Unfortunately Santa couldn't track down a last minute Wii for me, the staff in Game won't even speak to me anymore, but from the sound of it that may be a good thing. The image of marital bliss being shattered as somebody is smacked in the face by a flying controller has in my stitches every time, thanks for that Donna! I haven't heard of any of the lads picking up any serious injuries yet, although that could be more to do with the age of them, do you still have the energy to throw yourself around as you approach and then pass 40?

Anyway looking forward to meeting some of you tonight for food, beer and the essential talking shite, for those of you who I don't see may I take this opportunity to wish you all the very best for a healthy, happy, successful and most excellent new year.

First Wii Injury

Very quick post to let you know, we've had our very first Wii injury.

Whilst doing a particularly fine serve in Tennis against the wife, I managed to clout the heavy metal light in the living room. At the time I could have sworn I'd broken it.

Anyway, I'm ok.

I have to admit the Wii is excellent and loads of laughs. Best Christmas present ever.

The Last Post

Well my last post of the year, that is. From lunchtime today I shall be on holiday till the 8th Jan. A whole two weeks off, playing with the kids Christmas presents.

Monday night was my Mum’s 70th and we had a great time at the Casino. The food was excellent and although the ladies didn’t win on the Roulette table, my Mum did win the Christmas draw, £50 worth of Butcher’s vouchers.

Tuesday was Ady’s 40th Party. Excellent turn out for a great guy, although one particular friend didn’t turn up. If it was my Party I must admit it wouldn’t have bothered me, but I was slightly miffed that this person couldn’t even come down for 30 mins to show his face…. Still his loss.

Wednesday morning was spent playing Video games as was Wednesday evening, as was last night come  to think of it.

At 12.30 today we are all going to the Boardroom for drinks and open our Secret Santa’s… mine’s a bottle of alcohol as I’ve had a good feel of the present already. Then it off to Bar George for a meal and more drink and see how many of my work colleagues I can upset.

That’s it really, I shall be reading all the usual blogs whilst off, but I doubt I’ll get round to writing any. Still the other three lads will keep up the good work.

If anyone is in Douglas, Isle of Man over the next two weeks, do pop in for a glass of Port.

Merry Christmas One and All.

Forty plus

The fortieth Birthday Bash/Hootnany/Shindig was a successful little gig. Friends and family turning up for a splash the cash drinky binge.

And now I can concentrate on Christmas proper - and the constant purchasing of Crimbo pressies. Yay. but then comes the horror of Christmas pressie wrapping. Boo. Cos as has been proven by scientists, men just cannot wrap presents.

So why aren't there 'wrap bags' where I could put the pressie inside and it'll wrap up perfectly (or better than I could do) - perhaps with a vacuum thing to ensure a snug fit! oh no, they have to concentrate on curing diseases and proving quantum mechanics and other such rot.

So my night tonight will be dedicated to sellotape strips and wrapping up pressies to scrunchy, lop-sided effect. I'd best get the mulled wine out then.

Life Begins . . .

Wha-hey!

I'm 40, me. Time to put behind me all those childhood yearnings and to complete and fulfil the half projects and obsessions nurtured over the past years.

Time, indeed, to encompass all that I have and to direct my energies into loves and lives and comrades near and far.

I have a list, too, y'know. 40 things to do at 40.

May even be a bestseller this time next year.

Cya all tonight for a lil' celebration / commiseration.

Me

Parties, Door’s and Mice

Friday night was the wife’s work Christmas Party. Most husbands get told to make sure they behave themselves and not to make a show. Whilst I was under strict orders to ensure I was the life and soul of the Party. I don’t know about that, as the wife and her two work friends seemed to be up for that role. They more than got the barman interested in what they were or were not wearing….

Anyhoo, I danced with any one that would and dragged a few up that wouldn’t. I was feeling a tad too sober at one point and threw down a double vodka chaser just to catch up with “er in doors”. All in all I think we had a very good evening and I am waiting on reports back to see what impression I made.

Saturday Night was a step back in time; years ago (we are actually talking 16 years) I used to work as a Bouncer or Crowd Control Engineer at a local Club. Mainly because I was going in virtually every night and thought, if I worked a couple of nights a week I would get in free the rest and make some money, plus of course all the girls like Doormen. Anyhoo, that was 16 years ago, and I thought I would never have to do that shit again. However, if I could link you to our online Bank Account, you’ll see why I need the second job.

So once again I donned the mystique of the Surly Doorman. Well actually, surly isn’t me; I must be the friendliest, happiest and most affable Doorman in the World. Still that’s just me. I must say, I’m surprised that half the girls out were a) old enough and b) didn’t catch pneumonia. Surely they forgot to put the rest of their outfit’s on and then left their coats in the taxi……

I spent 6 hours looking mean (ish) and fighting off the advances of drunken sluts. There was no trouble at all, which is nice, but it’s no way to make a second living, but it pays well. Still the sooner we win the Lottery the better.

I did find a fiver on the way to work, so things are looking up on the Luck side.

Tonight, it’s my fantastic Mother’s 70th, and we are off to the Casino. Tuesday night is Ady’s 40th and we are out for a few drinks. So I have Tuesday and Wednesday of work. Thursday should be quiet. Then Friday is my works Party which starts at 12.00 in the boardroom, handing out Secret Santa’s and then off for a meal.

Then I’m off for two whole weeks and return on the 8th January.

You’ve heard of Snakes on a Plane, well now read about the sequel, Mice on a Plane.

Eviiiiil

Nintendo continue to advertise their Wii on TV even though the games console is sold out and unavailable until after Christmas. Why? It's not to motivate people to buy one - cos they are unavailable to buy.

It's to reinforce the smugness of those that do have these consoles. To give them the 'I'm clever' feeling as the conversation crops up around the office and they boast that 'yes - the Wii is a marvellous thing any they enjoy wiiing all night long'.

Smug Bastards!

* especially those who had the forethought to order two! Sell one on Ebay and cover the cost of the original. Smugly of smugliest bar stewards.

Again with the Blogging

It’s been everyday this week, which is more than I can usually manage. But I’m trying to make an effort as I’m off work for two weeks over Merry Christmas, and there is no way I’ll get round to blogging at home, it’s strictly a passing the time in the office thing.

This article gave me pause for thought, I only got to number two before I had to stop and rant.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4566526.stm

Mohammed is now one of the 20 most popular names for boys born in England and Wales. Mohammed?? OMG. Mind you here on the Rock it’s going to be Andrzej or Piotr in the next few years as the Polish take over.

As for other things, it’s my little Brothers 8th Wedding Anniversary on Monday, so congrats to him and his lovely wife. They are off to (in his words)

Singapore to sample, Xmas spirit, real ale, Guinness, fine food, cheap food, night safari, 5 star hotel, city life, a hangover, the old firm game on Saturday watching in a Irish bar, see the Xmas lights.

Also on the same day is our Mum’s 70th, so the wife and I are talking her to the Atlantis Restaurant, in the Hilton Casino. The food is usually very good, and it over looks the gaming floor. After the meal, I have graciously allowed them both 5 new British pounds to spend on the Roulette Table. Happy Birthday Mum.

Then if that’s not enough, one of the hallowed bloggers of this very tome is 40 on Tuesday. So we are all off Salsa dancing to welcome in the start of his life, as of course Life begins at 40.

That’s it.

Banks - The Flip Side

I don't like Banks*

But they're a necessary evil. Just like wives.

My bank keeps my money safe for me. Gives me access to it from all over the world. Let's me pay my bills. Let's me spend my wages before it even clears.

etc.

And for this they charge me - nothing. In fact, they pay me a very small amount of interest for the joy of caring for me. How bizarre. I'm eternally grateful.

And I never have bank charges. Coz I'm not an idiot. When I only have £10 in my account, I don't write a cheque for £1500. It's not rocket science.

However, if these whiners continue to bug the banks about the legality of charges, then the banks will eventually say "fair enough, you win. We will no longer charge you for having a IQ of below 50. Instead, we will charge everyone an annual fee for their accounts and, just coz we can, we'll charge you 10p for every transaction we process. And 2p for everytime you use a cashtill".

Because although it is not legal to make a profit from bank charges, it is perfectly legal to charge what they like for looking after accounts.

Banks are in this to make money. I'd much rather they made it from stupid people than from me.

*And I don't work for a Bank. I once did, but they fired me. Apparently, shredding files is not "a super efficient way to deal with all the filing I have to do"

Robbing B’stard Banks

Here are a couple of really interesting articles, that are well worth a read if you have been charged Penalties by your bank over the last six years.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6169539.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6170209.stm

On another note, we were without children for 3 hours last night. What do people do with kids? The house was quiet as a grave, and we were bored silly.

That’s it really.

Bye

Wii

Well we fell for the temptation; last night we played tested the kids Nintendo Wii’s. I was certainly no Babe Ruth on the Baseball, but I shone on the Golf. Actually I almost threw my shoulder out on the first two swings, as I missed the ball. Then I realised you had to press the A button to step closer to the ball. The wife also did an excellent impression of Horny Kornacova, whilst playing the tennis.

I can’t wait till Christmas day to have a proper blast at them.

Later Days

My Christmas Resolution

I intend to get fat, drunk and happy this Christmas. I shall refrain from going to the Gym for the whole of the Christmas period, and when ever anybody offers me a drink, I shall drink it.

There are three reasons for this:

1. I want to make this the happiest and best Christmas ever.


2. I want to see how fat I can get.


3. I also want to give my knees time to heal.

I actually wrote that first bit some two weeks ago, and so far I have drank pretty much every night.

We had the Boys Annual Christmas Drinks Day Out on Friday and had an exceptional good turnout. I think there were around 10 of us. We started at the Rovers, and had a huge feast, and then got down to som serious drinking. I was in charge of the kitty and think I did pretty well, i.e. the point where I couldn’t talk, drink, or stand up. I then went home. I haven’t heard all the stories yet, they will start to filter in over the next few days. If there are any really juicy ones I’ll pass them on.

On the Christmas front, I’ve done all my shopping and even managed to get hold of TWO Nintendo Wii’s, even though there is much hullabaloo about people not being able to get their hands on them. Obviously, don’t tell the kids as they don’t know they are getting them.

That’s about it really, it’s take me two weeks to get this much on to the Tin Ter Net.

Merry Christmas

Ever wondered what time it is?

Simple solution, use a clock:

Mikey Time

You're welcome.

We're all gonna die

Greetings My Subjects

Unpleasant Environmental Article
Pointless Political Article

Ironic, isn't it, that this environmental article appears in the Independent the day after Gordon Brown puts petrol/aircraft taxes up by a FigRoll or something equally pathetic.

Actually, that's not irony, that's a coincidence. But what is ironic is that I found it ironic. Okay, that makes no sense. Which is itself ironic.

Anyway, we're screwed.

Guess which one would be more detrimental to human life:
1. A Muslim-Christian nuclear confrontation
2. Phytoplankton extinction
3. Brad and Angelina breaking up
4. United being knocked out of the Champions League

Number 2. By miles.

However, even if Gordon Brown had put a quid on a litre of petrol (which I'm strongly in favour of) it would be a drop in the ocean compared to the quantities consumed by the f*cking North Americans where you get a free litre of 'gasoline' with every bagel.

And don't get me started on the Chinese. I don't see why they even have to travel. Since they all look alike, can't they just ring someone at their destination and get them to fill in? Who would know?

Save the planet - turn off your heating and walk to work. Ironic that I do neither.

What to write about?

First of all, congrats to my eldest son on being made Sports Captain for his School House, well done lad.

I hope Donna’s new system went Live with no problems and all is well in Ipswich.

My wife is out on her Girls Christmas day drinking session this Friday, which reminded me that the Lads one is the following Friday, so I’m very much looking forward to that.

I’ve ordered my Nintendo Wii, I mean the kids Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Although I still have no idea what to get the wife.

I’m sure there was something I was going to mention, but alas it’s gone.

Very much a rambling Post, but who cares.

Merry Christmas One and All.

Artistes? Twats more like

Pop Stars, Movie Stars, Directors, Producers, Composers...all twats.

This article goes on about how unfair it is (actually, the article is quite level-headed) that the 50-year copyright rule will start to affect Crooners from the 50s and 60s like Cliff, the Beatles and Elvis. Effectively, they won't get royalties on their older recordings.

My heart bleeds.

Somehow, these artists didn't receive enough money already? Maybe if you'd invested 1/3 of your Cocaine budget in Government Bonds you wouldn't be brassic?

It's not as if this came out of the blue, this rule has always been there. If you haven't sufficiently planned for your retirement maybe you should consider a job in Tescos like the rest of us you bunch of one-trick-pony loser whiners.

Save Cliff - download a dodgy copy of Living Doll from the Internet today!

Dredd Day

It happened this morning, those awful words that every Dad across the country loathes to hear: “Can we put the heating on in the mornings?” I mean you expect that sort of mutiny from the children, after all they don’t know better. They have no idea that it all costs money.

But when it’s the woman you adore most, who’s ever whim you cater for, then it’s like cold steel straight to your heart (and wallet).

Surely it’s not that cold I speculate; knowing too well that it’s a groundless argument. Won’t someone think of the planet??

So there we have it, from Monday morning you’ll be able to hear our leaky old oil burner chomping its way through my bank balance.

Baa Humbug

Drunk: A little

My wife was out last night, so I had an evening of me time. I was quite tired and so I thought I’d have a few battles on Halo, watch a little TV and then hit the sack around 1130pm.

Halo started well, but I was soon way out of my league, and felt the best way to help my team mates to win, was to eject myself from the game. I then decided to have a quick go on Age of Myth on the PC; it was at this point (around 10.00pm) that I had woken up enough to have a cider. As the battle progressed over the first hour I realised that my large bottle of Cider was empty and went to the fridge to replace, said bottle.

As my Army was finishing off any survivors, 2½ after I started, I also realised that I was very drunk and that I had to force down the last glass of cider. It was also 12.40am, lucky enough, my life partner didn’t come home till after 1.30am and so she didn’t notice that I was coooooooonted.

However, I had a great night.

Oh! It’s been a Long Time.

I haven’t put pen to paper for a while, mainly because I couldn’t think of anything worth anybody reading.

Last Friday 4 of us went to see James Bond and what an excellent film it was. One cried off going for drink afterwards as he had been rather drunk at a Rugby Dinner the night before. But three of us managed to make it to the Piano Bar. Now the trouble with this Bar is that there is no “Last Order’s”, it stays open till everyone goes home. I was under strict orders not to come home before 11.30pm as my sexy wife had the girls round for food and wine. Anyhoo the three of us are sat there righting the world and talking loads of shitte, when Paulie B notices it’s 2.30am. Bugger me! I’m off home he says. Mike & I decide to finish our drinks and then head off home.

Meanwhile Paulie B had gone for Chips, Cheese & Gravy and the found to his dismay he didn’t have enough money left for a Taxi. So he wanders in to town to find a cash point and then takes another hour finding a taxi, eventually falling home at 4.00am.

Mike and I walk past my house and I suggest to Mikey that he comes in and phones a Taxi, to which he snorts at the idea and starts to run off. I feel compelled that he take my generous offer and take chase shouting at the top of my voice that he cease and desist and come use the Telecommunications device in my humble abode. Obviously he’s taking none of that and runs away. Dejected I walk the few meters back up the road Oblivious to the fact that I had been screaming at 4.00 in the morning in a previously quiet residential area.

Michael made it all the way home, and ran out of gusto in his front garden, where he need rescuing from his catatonic state and brought to bed by his long suffering life partner.

I undressed in the toilet leaving all my clothes on the floor, got in to bed, farted and fell asleep.

Excellent Night.

Rant

A few posts ago Kingster highlighted the fact that the Isle of Man has one of the worst places in the UK for customer service. This, unfortunately, is true - and has been largely ignored by the Manxies (who are the first to complain about comeovers, stayovers, foreign-types and the Oirish).

An example of such poor service and general distaste to be helpful is the Regent Street Post Office.

Newly decked out in the finest interior design tax-free money can buy, you are led to a bank of seven desks between railings. At the end is a scruffy laminated sign stating "Please wait to be called"

Although each of the desks may have staff behind them, and maybe one or two of these serving customers, they will do their utmost to ignore anyone waiting to be served in a little game they call 'Phuq Ewe'.

And so the game begins! The 'don't look up and catch the eye of the (growing impatient by the minute) customer' and the 'click, click, click of my computer though God Knows how many times I can check the calendar and time on this thing - but at least I look busy' and the 'chat with colleague stretching across the divide to block vision' tactic.

There are many ways to win this game - and I have been victem to them all.

Ahhh - but at least you are faced with welcome and helpful assistance when you finally do get to a counter? Eh? Oh no - the fun only continues with exhasperated sighs, unhelpful comments, unnecessary and tedious distribution of stamps (what? 7 stamps for a UK letter - and how am I to stick them on the envelope? What? lick the back of them - after they've passed through your sweaty fingers . . .).

Anyhoo. I'm manx and have come to expect such poor service.

Panspermia

No it’s nothing to do with Pam Anderson’s Home Videos; it’s the theory that life on earth was started after being seeded by Alien Bacteria. Which is gaining more and more recognition after Red Space Rain fell to earth in India.

So where’s you God now Eh!

As for things happening this week: I’m off work sick on Thursday & Friday (it’s just a feeling I have), which means I might as well lay the laminated flooring in the hall, whilst recovering from my sudden illness.

Friday evening the lads (at least a Quorum) are off to see the latest Jimmy Bond film, and then a few beers afterwards.

That’s it really.

Banks

The bloke I sit opposite is a real jobs-worth. A real tight-fisted, know-it-all. He loves quoting pseudo-legal jargon at Car Dealerships, the MEA, Waltons, the Govt and basically anyone he can avoid paying (even if they've done their jobs).

And although he is payed Contractor Rates, he does little work and has no shame in falling asleep in his chair at least once a day (but always gets his invoices in on time).

Today, I heard him telling his bank that he wouldn't pay their charges which were 'incompatible' with the services provided. That £25 for an overdraft letter was totally innapropriate and (signed Contract or not) that he looked forward to seeing them in court where they'd have to 'justify' their inflated charges.

He was clearly very proud of himself. Another company screwed.

He came off the phone and asked me what I thought about Banks outrageous charges. He was obviously intending to impress me (and anyone listening) with his shrewd, business acumen.

Before he could begin his diatribe, I jumped in (pretending I hadn't heard his call)

"Charging £25 for a letter does seem high. Then again, their premises don't just magically appear and Cash-tills don't grow on trees. Then there's the staff to pay, the Computer Systems, the huge insurance they have, advertising and sponsorships, heat, light, and complimentary coffee.

"So, when you're in credit and getting zero charges, do you ring them and insist they take some money from your account, because it's unfair for them to lose out?

"I think it's pathetic the way people sign up for things and then whinge about it later when things don't go all their own way

"Why? What do you think about Bank charges?"

The above tirade is slightly abridged. Coz although I fucking hate Banks, he just winds me up.

The fucker is asleep while I type. NO SHIT!

Decorating

We moved in to our lovely home the day the planes hit the tower, 9/11 as it’s called. In those 5 years I have painted the Hall, (which everyone will agree is the largest surface area, with 8 doors frames to go around) no less than 4 times. In fact on one occasion I started and was only 30 mins in to painting, when my lovely wife decided she didn’t like the colour.

Of course she decided again, that it was time for a change, and picked a new colour. So yesterday I took one of my precious work Holidays and did some decorating. Wanting to do it all in one day, I set the Alarm for 06.00am and was painting the ceiling by 5 past. With the exception of 45 mins for lunch and the odd 10 mins here and there, I finished at 8.00pm, and only then because I ran out of paint. 14 hours of painting.

Although I am complaining to all and sundry, I actually enjoyed it. Firstly I got a day off work. Secondly you could see something at the end of the day. Unlike our visit to Steve’s, in which we worked all day and just came away thinking, what did we accomplish?

Any way I shall repeat the salient points.

Used a Days Holiday to Paint the Hall
Four times in Five Years
14 Hours of almost non-stop painting.

Thank you.

As a Parent...

...I read this story with a heavy heart:

Depressed Little Girl

It tells the tale of a lovely little 4-year old girl who has been diagnosed with depression by her GP due to missing out on attending the same primary school as her nursery friends.

Although this seems to pale into insignificance compared to being behind with the Mortgage payments or being dumped by your girlfriend, it should be remembered that everything is relative. To this little girl, this is the end of her world.

So, she should be treated just as we would treat an adult suffering with depression.

i.e. Suck it up Princess, life's a bitch.

And the mother is letting her stay off school!!! What kind of bollocks is that? Exactly how is she gonna make new friends that way? They're setting the poor bitch up for a life of misery and disappointment.

Free Saddam!!

Yes, this week only, we will be offering ex-Tyrants at NO CHARGE (plus P&P).

But seriously. Yahoo ran a story that Britain was 'happy' with the verdict. I was wondering who they asked. They didn't ask me or anyone that I knew. We are a country opposed to Capital Punishment. And yet, we are apparently pleased in this case. Of course, Yahoo is an American company, which brings me to the point.

Saddam is (as far as my information has it) guilty. He's a bad man. He should be suitably punished. Cut off his arms and legs and put him a glass box in downtown Bagdad. Whatever. But Capital Punishment is the last resort of the intolerably stupid.

But what gets my goat is that he's been tried and judged by a corrupt...oh what's the point? The trial was unfair. The verdict was pre-agreed. The sentence is a crowd pleaser. The timing is votes-driven. The Judge and Jury are a bigger bunch of criminals than Saddam could EVER dream of being.

This shite will breed rage and hatred for another generation.

And when will Bush be in the dock? Never. The crimes of an American President are wiped clean after office. And who dares to invade the US in order to put him on trial?

Society gone mad

Did anyone read this story?

Jellybaby two cleared of all charges

It's about the two guys who were recently cleared of racism regarding biting off the heads of black Jelly Babies. I found the story entertaining, shocking, pathetic and bizarre. A sign of things to come.

However, what really struck me was the name of one of the defendants:

Victor Cooney

Ironic really, when you consider that 'Victor' is the ancient Greek word for 'man who lies with the black wife of his brother before triumphing in battle'.

Daddy & Son Mummies

You want some?

All dressed up for the Nursery School Hop Tu Naa Party.

Hop Tun Naa or Halloween.

I went out Hop Tun Naaing last night with the kids. What really got up my nose were the bastards that wouldn’t answer the fucking door.

You know they are in as the TV’s on and you can see them changing channel or walking around. But will they answer the door, will they buggery.

Try explaining to a 2 year old why the misery fucker behind the closed door hasn’t got the decency to spend £2 on some sweets to give to the children. Fuckers.

They spent weeks waiting for this, hours dressing up and learning the Songs, and some smug bastard sits on the sofa listening to the little cherubs singing there hearts out, and thinks he’s got one over them by not handing out 50p worth of confectionary.

Fuckers.

You could hear the little tykes hearts breaking as we had to walk away from another house empty handed. If it was so fucking cold last night I would have stayed there with my finger on the door bell till they came out.

Next year, we are going prepared and tooling up with Stanley knives. Any Scrooge that doesn’t answer get’s his fucking tyres slashed. That will show them.

Fucking Fuckers. Fuck em.

A life shared is a life halved

There is a famous book called DiscWorld in which two characters wander around having great adventures.

One of the characters is known as The Tourist. At the end of the book, he elects to go home rather than continue adventuring. When asked why, he replies that the point of adventuring is just to create memories for him to reminisce about from the comfort of his armchair.

Life is a bit like that. We lead interesting, eventful lives just so we have something to talk about when we reach 70.

One of the advantages of having a lifelong partner is that the memory database is shared. I like nothing better than sitting down in the evening with Shirley and a cup of cocoa and getting all nostalgic about the colourful episodes from our past.

"Remember when Take-That first came out", I say, "and we went to that party and I was dancing and everyone thought I moved like Robbie Williams? I was such a good dancer back then"

"No, what I remember is you being totally pissed, stumbling about the dancefloor and everyone staring at you coz you're such a twat. God I was embarrassed"

"Yeah, and that Cat Suit made you look like a slut"

"I looked good in that Cat Suit, you bastard!"

etc.

Okay, not a good example.

Is there a God - Part IIb

In response to the response to the previous blog...

I don't want people to think I'm some kind of gay Christian. God didn't create Adam, Eve, life or even Stars. And certainly didn't shag Mary. Or Buddha. He couldn't give two shits whether you perve over your neighbours missus or kill baby sheep (aka lambs).

Life forming (or not) is not proof either way on the existence of a higher power. The likelihood of life forming is ENORMOUSLY HUGE compared to the likelihood of atoms* forming.

Imagine a length of guttering a billion miles long. Roll a marble down it, the marble will eventually find the optimum position (i.e. the bottom). This is Life. Given enough time (and guttering), it will form.

Now turn the guttering over and roll the marble along it in the vein hope it will run perfectly along the ridge of the guttering. This is the balance required for atoms to form. The slightest imperfection and the Universe is annihilated. It is the ONLY example of perfection in the Universe.

Given 18 Billion years and trillions of planets of raw material, life was BOUND to form sooner or later. It would be shocking if it hadn't (of course, who would be shocked?)

But unlike "life", atomic balance had only ONE chance in a timescale that makes a picosecond seem like an Eon.

All "God" did was instigate that balance, the rest took care of itself. God probably did that and then fucked off to the "pub" to wait for B&Q to form so he can get some odd-jobs done around the house.

Epilogue
If you came home from work to find your living room tastefully redecorated, your library sorted into ISBN Number order, a nice Chilli waiting on the table and live Rugby on the Telly, there comes a point where you have to accept that someone deliberately did all this and that it wasn't just a fluke.

*I use the word atoms, I might mean Leptons or Quarks or something. I really don't remember. My grasp of 'string theory' is limited to say the least.

Is There A God - Part II

I've spent many months not researching this. I literally haven't spoken to dozens of people about their beliefs/non-beliefs and assimilated thousands of pages of statistics not on this very subject. I didn't visit the National Library and didn't spend many a dark night reading through ancient Tomes from Babylon and the Red Sea.

And I've finally reached my conclusion:

GOD EXISTS!

I base my conclusion on the Triumvirate of Indisputable Facts that I have entitled "Scientific Likelihood", "The Programmer" and "No point"

Today, I shall cover the first Truth, although all are equally important.

SCIENTIFIC LIKELIHOOD
I spent a little time studying Quantum Physics a few years back. Now, my memory of it is a bit hazy, but apparently, there are some physicists who say the statistical likelihood of sub-atomic particles (Hadrons, Quarks, Photon Torpedoes etc) organising themselves into a form of matter capable of supporting a Universe of Galaxies, Stars and Planets is sooooooooooo small, it CAN'T have happened by chance. Only a MIGHTY BEING could have orchestrated this.

Seriously, following the big bang, the Dead-Small-Bits(tm) should have dispersed equally. The coincidentally perfect balance between sub-atomic attraction, electric repulsion and gravity is beyond belief. Literally.

The chances of the Universe forming like it did is like getting a bucketful of sand, throwing it into the air and watching it land in a perfect 3D representation of my dick and balls. Balanced on the head of a needle. Despite a howling gale. And there being no bucket. Or sand. This is way more likely to happen.

And that kind of thorough scientific research is good enough for me.

Science proves there is a God. Ironic? You be the judge.

The one with the Problem

The Australian muslim leader speaking his mind (context is liberally accepted) has accused some women of attracting sexual assault by the way they dress (ie - that they do not wear the hajib and are therefore considered "uncovered meat") Ooh Matron!.

This highlights the real reason why the hajib (head dress) is worn by muslim women is the oppressive attitude of Muslim men. Visiting muslim countries western women soon learn to cover up - not so much out of respect for the culture or taking note of the countless warnings in the brochures - but because the men in these countries stare and leer and openly grope any woman with an inch of flesh showing.

The hajib may be the dress code for Muslim women - but dig to the roots of the reasons why - and it is yet another oppression of women. Sheesh.

It's Time

It’s time we all stood up and let everyone know that there is in fact NO GOD. It’s not just me that thinks like this, it’s a lot of people, mostly intelligent people. If you don’t believe me, and require more reading to make up your minds, try the following posts.

LC’s is more plain language.
Wired - Battle of the New Atheism
Huffington Post - Richard Dawkins: Why there almost certainly is no god

Basically, it just plain stupid to believe in God, there is no proof, not even the slightest tiniest bit of proof. If you need to fill your live with anything, why not try either concentrating on your family or taking up a hobby or past-time.

What you shouldn’t do is anything to do with religion.

Once religion is out the way, they whole world can settle down and concentrate on repairing all the damage we have done to this planet.

Remember: There is NO SUCH THING AS GOD.

Playing a blinder

My wife is strange but lovely. Or strangely lovely. Whatever.

We were driving home a few weeks back in the early evening. Our route took us up a certain hill in a westerly direction.

Sure enough the sun was near setting and (magnificent though it was) was blinding. Even with sunshades down, it was almost impossible to see the oncoming traffic.

My delightful wife commented on this:

"This is awful, I can't see a bloody thing"
"I agree", I agreed
"They should do something about this"

This took me totally by surprise and it took me a while to reply

"Darling...pardon my ignorance...but who is 'they' ?"
"You know, the government?"
"Er. I see. And, out of interest, what do you suggest they do about the gargantuan ball of flaming gas 93 million miles away in space?"
"Well, I don't know, do I? I'm just saying, I can't see where I'm going, what am I supposed to do?"
"Stop"

Bloody Foreigners

I don't like them and I don't think they should be allowed into the Island unless they have achieved a (to be determined) level of suitability.

I would suggest a Degree (or higher) from a recognized University, no criminal record of any sort and a squeakily clean bill of health. They should also be required to invest in £20,000 worth of Government bonds for a period of 5 years. And be able to pass English GCSE (which, if my son can do it, anyone can).

When achieving citizenship, they should be required to swear allegiance to the Rock forsaking ALL others. And no dual-citizenship; you're either Manx or your not.

Australia and Canada do this kind of thing (almost) and attract rich, intelligent 'dirty foreigners' which add to the common good and who are more than keen to integrate.

We, however, are taking on a dumbass underclass who will bleed the state dry and take the average quality of life down rather than up. This smelly underclass will resent the indigenous population and will refuse to integrate which will pose problems in the future.

I hear the counter-argument that the incomers help boost the economy; read that as "my house will be worth more". Greed is no reason to forsake a Cultural Identity.

The Northern Europeans have warred, killed, suffered and toiled over the last 5,000 years to achieve the current level of security, culture and dignity that exists nowhere else. Don't squander it in a couple of decades due to political correctness. We earnt our (currently) elevated position.

It's the human "race", not the human "as long as everyone gets a turn and no-one loses or calls anyone any names" for f*cks sake.

Political Correctness? Get a f*cking backbone.

Rant over.

footnote: this is pure rhetoric - it's already too late. Wave goodbye to the old world, the world of diversity, colour, contrasts and mystery. If you can buy Chicken Nuggets in an Indian Restaurant and Chicken Tikka in Marxies, then the balance has tipped.

Chilli & Chocolate & ID3

We had my chilli last night with the secret ingredient, which was chocolate. Apparently a couple of chunks of dark chocolate adds some sweetness to the chilli. God knows if it did, I certainly couldn’t taste it, but I can say the whole thing was gorgeous, in fact I’ve just had the remains on toast for lunch.

That’s about it. I’ve done nothing at all at work this week, and have spent all of the time looking at reviews of my soon to be new MP3 player (if my wife actually orders it for me). Tonight is going to be an early night, as I never sleep properly after I have been drinking and last night was no exception. Although I did catch a few episodes of the X Files between 2.30am and 4.30am.

The only other thing I might do tonight is sort out my MP3 files. Once I get my new toy in December I can sync it with the PC using Windows Media Player, however, 40% of my MP3 files don’t have complete ID3 tags and so don’t show up what the track, Artist, Album etc is in WMP, which has been fine up to now, as I tend to play tracks my clicking on the file in Windows Explorer. But I shall make the effort of going through them all and delete those that don’t have complete labels. I have until Chrimbo day. I shall also get a small collection on my favourite photo’s ready, and a couple of Music Vids. I wonder if I can persuade her to give it to give early. I hate waiting for things once I know I am getting something.

So it’s just hanging on waiting for the bell to go home. Look busy and drink lots of tea.

Today and Stuff

Quiet night last night, the only highlight was making the Chilli for tonight; apparently it is better if it is left to rest for a day or so. Plus I added the secret ingredient. Which I won’t tell what it is until after we taste it, I am not one of those that taste’s food as it cooks. If it’s going to be horrible, I’d rather not know till the last minute and then there’s nothing that can be done. A sort of fatalist cooking mantra.

In other news, as usual I was reading Stuff magazine and stumbled upon a cool bit of kit that I instantly thought, I’d like one of those. So I’ve spent all morning looking up reviews of it, and they are all very good. So I have decided that it’s my Christmas and Birthday present rolled in to one.

It’s a Sandisk Sansa E series, which comes in various sizes from 2GB to 8GB flash memory. The pros are: it plays all the usual Music formats, it also plays videos and displays photos on a very nice TFT screen. It also has a MicroSD card slot to expand the memory even more. Plus and the big plus, they are very cheap for all the features you get.

That’s this morning’s work, what shall I virtual buy this afternoon?

What to do this afternoon. Roll on 5.00pm.

Very Good Article

Within 100,000 years the divide between rich and poor could lead to two human sub-species

HUMANITY could evolve into two sub-species within 100,000 years as social divisions produce a genetic underclass, a scientist said yesterday.

A most interesting article indeed.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2406821,00.html

Although it doesn’t mention who will win the Bluray v’s HD DVD war, or which next generation gaming console will be victorious.

Things gone by and to come

Friday night is as usual a far a distant time that I can no longer recall.

Saturday I played in the town park for an hour with the wee one, and then visited my Stylist for a trim. Once lunch was over, it was down a different park this time, with the two children. We played and played till it was dark and cold. Home and the wee one was put to bed, then wife, middle son and I had a picnic tea on the floor watching X Factor and then a horror movie (not too mention three bottles of wine).

Sunday is non descript, I remember everyone settling down after our Sunday Lunch and watching the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, but that’s about it.

Last night, I played Age of Myth Titans Expansion on the laptop and had a fantastic two hour battle that saw me victorious.

I did get a bit annoyed at the wife, who immediately fell a sleep when her head hit the pillow, whilst I tossed and turned for ages, went down stairs and watch Sexcetera for a couple of hours and finally felt I could sleep. Well till the bin men arrived at 6.00am this morning.

My highlight of the week coming is of course going out with the wife on Saturday, but very close is the televised Sale Sharks game on Friday night.

The only other news is about my poor knees, they are still giving me jip after playing Squash last week, so I have missed a full week at the Gym, and the way they hurt at the moment, I can’t see me going again at least for this week. I may even have to see a Family Practioner about them.

Later Days

Big Night In

Well, it's been a while since I last had a hangover in work. Normally, being a member of the great unwashed, I could just lie in my bed until midday and get up feeling refreshed. But today I have to face facts; I'll be suffering until I've had my lunch. It's not pleasant. At least I don't have to go see clients (so far).

I've got coffee to help me wake up, paracetamol for my sore brain and chewie for my breath.

Coz I didn't half eat an awful lot of Doritos and Salsa Dip. I must stink like a plumbers arse.

The night itself went very well. Thanks to all who showed up. Practically half a dozen. And I managed to come last in both games of Halo I played - oh, how the mighty fall. I remember the days...

Cooooooooooooonts

I have just heard that we have to pay an extra 2% in to our work pension scheme next year and the year after.

Given that over the last 2 years we have been paid a wage increase of 1.75%, means I shall have to expect a pay cut for the next 2 years…

Needless to say, what a bunch on Coooooooooooooonts.

Bush\Blair\Innocent Deaths\Sore Knees

We watched that Flight 93 DVD last night, about the 4^th Airplane that was hi-jacked on 9/11, the one where the passengers fought back. It’s was actually quite good which surprised me.

But it also leads me in to another rant about the Bush/Blair ill-legal invasion of Iraq, remembering that the Al Qaeda attack on 9/11 lead to 2752 deaths.

It has since been proved that Iraq had nothing to do with the attacks and that there were no weapons of mass destruction found either.

So how many people have the Americans killed now in Iraq:

An estimated 655,000 Iraqis have died since 2003 that might still be alive but for the US-led invasion, according to a survey by a US university. Not quite an Eye for an Eye.

There I’ve said my peace.

Back to the normal dross of my life.

I played Squash last night and managed to lose all 8 games. My fitness was starting to tell towards the end and it was getting close, it’s a pity my skill level wasn’t as high.

The negative side of playing last night is that my right knee has been in agony all night. It fact it was so sore I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned till 2.30am, then I tried an hour in the spare room, but that didn’t work either. So I popped downstairs and watched TV till 5.30am this morning. Of course I was then woken by the alarm at 7.30am.

I hate sleeping and I hate my worn out knees.

I hope I’m not too tired to go round the Canucks house tonight.

Later Days

600,000

Was wondering what to write to commemorate a milestone moment in the West bringing Civilisation to the world.

The Lancet and MIT (two of the worlds most highly regarded organisations) have estimated 600,000+ violence related deaths due to the Iraq War. Mr George Bush and friends have said this figure is rubbish. Not credible. Nonsense.

30,000 is more likely.

Question is, who do you trust? A bunch of Doctors or a man who's responible for 30,000 deaths?

We are the bad guys.

Last Job of the Summer

I did the final cut of the year last night, so the lawn is now ready for its winter slumber. How suburban is that? Grass cut and lawn mower washed down, lightly oiled and put away till summer. After that I was burnt out. All I could do was sit on the couch, eating Chip Sticks and watching a DVD.

In other news, I walk under three Conkers trees on my way to work every morning, and recently I have been picking up the little round things and bringing them home. But I have been warned not to bring any more home as the house is full. Well it was very windy last night, and there were literally hundreds of them all over the place. Some bloody big ones as well. It was such an effort not to grab them.

Squash tonight, and then it’s settling down with the wife, a bottle of wine and a DVD. Tomorrow, its round one of the lads houses to play Xbox 360 and drink beers.

Later Days

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Nope Nothing !

Yet again I find myself with nothing to do at work. I really am more than half tempted to actually see if any one needs a hand, or have anything that they want looking at. I have had a few requests from the lads for different things to search on the web for, but it’s not that easy.

My desk is right next to the tea/coffee machine, right next to the printers and on the main walk way through the office, so there is always somebody walking past me. Therefore I just can’t surf willy nilly as somebody would bound to make a snide comment. So what I have to do is surf to a web page and then copy and paste the contents in to Word, I then pretend to be constantly working on documents.

If I am this bored tomorrow, I’m either going to take a sickie or ask for some work to do.

As for things to do this week, I forgot about going round the Manx Canadian’s house on Thursday with the lads. Plus there is a load of Rugby on this weekends TV.

Last night I had a great time, the youngest and I went up the park. I love playing in the park in the dark. We ran around and had the whole place to ourselves with lots of laughing and giggling. It was a very mild night.

After the tired little bunny went to bed, the wife and I had a fantastically relaxing night, with some pink bubbly.

Right, I’m off to do some practise questions on the MSCA exam. It’s amazing that 99% of the questions for the exam didn’t get covered on the course and Microsoft expect you to do the extra learning yourself.

Well have a great day everybody.

Gone

We finally got rid of the Guinea Pigs…. I’m afraid the children failed in their responsibility task of looking after the little fur balls. 9 out of 10 times, it was the wife and I who ended up feeding and cleaning them out. After a final warning, we got rid of them. I’ll sort of miss them actually, but they went to a very good home.

In other news, we went to a Wedding Anniversary on Saturday Night, and I was a dancing dervish. All legs and arms… Unfortunately, there were a few people from work there, so I have had nothing but piss takes all morning. But come lunch time, they would have moved on to something else. Anyway, they are just jealous.

I also received a call late Sunday evening for one of the lads. His wife is expecting their first child in 4 weeks, and he is panicking that he won’t have the baby room ready in time. So he was wondering if I could give him a hand one day and blast our way through it, a sort of Amish Barn Raising without the guns.

Of course after I said Yes, and put the phone down I got to thinking.

He’s panicking that it won’t be ready; his first thought is, how can I get this done quickly and more importantly, cheaply. He has a reputation for being a rich miser. He has two houses and only one very small mortgage. His first thought should have been, let’s get a Professional in to do it. Then his second thought would have been, No that will cost money.

Then his thought would have been, well I actually work for myself, why not take a few days off work and get stuck in. This would have been followed, by: No, I can’t do that as I would not make any money those days.

So he finally comes up with the idea, I know, I’ll ring Paul, he can’t say no to a mate. He’ll turn up, we start sanding and then I’ll get an “emergency” call and have to go service a boiler somewhere for 4 hours and I can leave Paul to do all the work. Excellent, now where is his number?

The cheap Jewish bastard.

Things to look forward to this week:

Playing Squash Wednesday

I think that’s it really.

Ah well.

Idol Worship

I don't know if anyone knows, but I'm a big fan of Michael Schumacher. Not like a freaky stalker person, but I own a couple of books, a few F1 videos and a cap. Actually, I don't own a cap. Well I do, but not an MS one. But I digress.

In case you didn't know, MS basically lost his final ever (he's retiring) F1 Championship yesterday when his engine blew up and his rival finished first.

I was gutted.

And this got me to thinking; isn't it strange how we (i.e. society) transfer our hopes and dreams to another individual. People we've never met. People who don't know we exist.

Yesterday, my happiness/sadness relied on a very rich german man who wouldn't p!ss on me if I was on fire.

I've therefore decided in future to exclusively base my quality of life on things nearer to home:

So, later on today, rather than getting caught up in the latest Big Brother/Pop Idol/Love Island, I'm planning to have a quick one off the wrist. I'm nervous, maybe it won't go well, maybe I'll fail. But if it does work out, I'll be a very happy man. And I've contacted ITV to see if they want to televise it.

It’s been a long time

Since I blogged, or at least it feels like ages. The main reason was apathy and combined with nothing really happening in my life, this lead to my lengthy absence.

Well I have nothing to do at work (or at least I can’t be bothered doing anything) and so I decided to pull my finger out.

I was on a course for a week, the high point of which was the Pub lunches. I had meant to knuckle down and do so revision and then do the exam, but 3 weeks later and I still haven’t open the course book again.

The family are all fine. The children are great. The eldest is still off school more than he is at school. But I finally got to read his School report from last year, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. At least all the teachers mentioned how polite and well mannered he was, however, they also all mentioned that he is easily distracted and doesn’t concentrate. I was surprise at some of the lesson’s he was doing really well in.

The middle one is fine. He has started rehearsals for his Christmas Panto, and so will be busy Saturdays and Sundays from now till the New Year.

The youngest is also doing well, and is constantly keeping everyone laughing. He is such a good kid. Last night we went and played on the beach straight from work. Then when it got too cold, we went looking for Conkers.

With Merry Xmas not far away, I am trying convince one of the kids that they want a Nintendo Wii. If you watch the trailer at the top of that page, I’m sure you’ll all want one.

I want the following for Merry Xmas:

Philips 37” HD LCD TV

Yamaha YSP 1100

Fuji FinePix F30

Qtek 8500 Smartphone

Sony Vaio VGN-AR21S

That’s all I can think off at the moment, there is about £5,500 worth of kit there, so you might want to all chip in. I wouldn’t want to get two TV’s would I?

Apart from that, the wife and I have an Anniversary to go to this Saturday. I don’t think we are have a Halloween party this year, as we are too skint.

The only other thing I was going to mention, was why do people buy tiny little iPod Nanos, and then stick fuck off huge Headphones in it??

Ah well, that’s all for another few weeks.

Have a great October

Sleep Again…

How the fuck do you get to sleep at night? Last Friday/Saturday morning I was up at 4.30am after going to bed at midnight, and yet again last night I was tossing and turning and finally gave in at 3.30am and got up..

I can assure you, that nothing is bothering me, and I am not stressed at anything, I just can’t sleep. Still all these early hours means I am shooting through my Xbox game.

That’s it really, nothing much at all is happening at work.

Later Days

Honest, we thought of it first

Ady and I invented something about 2 years ago. It was truly was a great idea for the modern al a ding family.

The idea was you simply waved your frozen meal in front of a bar code scanner and it automatically set’s the Microwave oven to the right settings, and then press go.

It was fantastic, and so I sent an email describing this to Samsung (the make of my current microwave) and suggesting they contact me to discuss the royalty cheques.

Well the days, weeks, months and years went by and nothing was heard.

Then whilst walking around Mikey’s new house the other day, he was all a glow with pride as he showed me his last purchase, a SMART OVEN.

http://www.samsung.com/uk/products/cooking/smartoven/bce1197_sxeu.asp

What’s so smart about it? I say.

Well, you just wave your frozen meal in front of a bar code scanner and it automatically set’s the Microwave oven to the right settings, and then press go.

You could have knocked me over with a feather………….

So I have spent all morning trying to find my email to Samsung, once it’s found, I shall be contacting my lawyers.

What’s the point of Ady and I thinking up these ideas, if no one is going to give us any money…

Muslims are NOT tossers

Back in February, I posted a blog entry here which included the following quote:

"WHY do these Muslims who love their own cultures and hate ours with equal intensity insist on leaving their homelands in their MILLIONS to come and live in ours? "

So, today I was interested to read this:
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/20092006/325/reid-heckled-during-speech-muslims.html

Apparently, John Reid received some heckling, and was told "How dare you come to a Muslim area"

Also it was suggested that "Tony Blair's "cronies" were not welcome in the area,"

So, I was wondering, is the Home Secretary of the Democratically Elected British Government not welcome in parts of London coz he's white? Or because he's christian? Or cos he's in New Labour? Would a Tory be more or less welcome? What about a lezzie?

M.

p.s. I'm not suggesting that the Democratically Elected British Government aren't a bunch of tossers. But as tossers go, they're entitled to go where they please.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

No, not a greeting to a woman of the night but a jovial reference to my impending trip to work.

It's off to work I go.

They've asked me to come in today for a couple of hours to meet my line manager (some spotty teenager no doubt) and chat about Software.

I haven't heard what the working hours are yet, knowing my luck it will be a 40 hour week, 8:30 - 5:30 or something horrendous. I shall say "why don't we start off from 10 until 4 and go from there?" and "I'm going to need a matching footstool with my leather chair". Not that I'm fussy, but if I'm going to get out of bed at some ungodly hour, I want comfort.

Hopefully, my secretary will be an eastern european ex-lap dancer who is trying to leave all that behind her but just feels more comfortable in a thong and tassles.

Smuala L. Jaskone

Interactive Golf

Watching the golf on the big screen over the weekend, whilst playing Outlaw Golf on the small screen right next to it.

So with all this digital interactive medianess - perhaps when you next watch the PGA tour you could play as 'the third man' on any round of golf - an X-box Live event - allowing to play alongside your heroes live! Cool.

Although it sounded much better last night . . .

Bush & Blair: what a couple of Lying Twats

The Senate Intelligence Committee has found no evidence of links between the regime of Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda.

In a report issued on Friday, it also found that was little or no evidence to support a raft of claims made by the US intelligence community concerning Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

The 400-page report was three years in the making, and is probably the definitive public account of the intelligence used to justify the invasion of Iraq.

One startling point is this:

In a poll conducted this month by Opinion Research Corporation for CNN, a sample of American adults was asked: "Do you think Saddam Hussein was personally involved in the 11 September terrorist attacks, or not?"

Forty-three percent of those polled answered yes, they believed Saddam was personally involved.

Even though it is well-established that Saddam Hussein was no ally of al-Qaeda, nor did he possess weapons of mass destruction

It was President Bush who asserted most strongly in public that Saddam Hussein's regime and al-Qaeda had an operational relationship.

However, it has been since proved that Saddam issued a general order that Iraq should not deal with al-Qaeda.

In fact:

"Saddam Hussein was distrustful of al-Qaeda... refusing all requests from al-Qaeda to provide material or operational support."

So the death toll on Sept 11^th was 2,752, however since Blair & Bush invaded Iraq illegally for their own financial gain 42,000 civilians have been killed.

It was attributed to Alexander the Great: “You kill one man, you're a murderer, you kill thousands, you're a conqueror”.

All I know is that Blair & Bush are lying hypocrital cunts…

Mind you, I’m not saying I like Saddam, I don’t, I think he should have been assassinated years ago. That would have been the way to do it, but then the US wouldn’t get all the OIL wells would they.

New Camera & Such

The nipper was playing with the Digi Camera last night and dropped in on the tiled floor, so we are now Cameraless (excluding the camera phone the wife and kids have). So today I shall mostly be salivating over new cameras on the Internet, and wondering where to get the money for a new one, also seeing if it is worth claiming off the house insurance.

Things to look forward to this weekend, well basically Rugby:

Super Legaue

Fri Sep 15 Wigan Warriors v Hull FC SS1 19.30

Sat Sep 16 Wakefield Wildcats v Castleford Tigers SS1 17.45

The Wakefield v Castleford should be a cracking game, as the loser get’s relegated. Either that or both sides will be that nervous that the first 60 mins could be crap. Then they’ll realise they have only 20 mins to secure they Professional livelihood and play like possessed demons. Which is why they invented Sky +, you never miss anything, and you fast forward through the shitte.

Guinness Premiership

Sat 16 London Irish v Bristol (2.45pm) SS2 2.30

That’s it really, Bye

I have nothing to Say.

However, I have only things I can’t be arsed doing for work. So I’d rather spend 20 mins talking about nothing then actually do the stuff I have had on my desk for three weeks, one of which is marked Urgent. Mind you, if it was that urgent, they shouldn’t have given it to me. Give me a real IT helpdesk problem, and I am all over it, like Bill on Monica. However, any paperwork type stuff and bollocks to that shit.

Apart from that, things with me are fine at the moment. Not great, but not bad. I’ve had a good week in the Gym, although my right knee is giving me jip. I’ve had a week off the booze and feel like Superman. I’ve played some Xbox 360, I’ve played some PC games, I’ve watched some films and TV, read loads of books to my 2 year old, I’ve bought a couple of small things on the Internet (which reminds me, if you buy a computer mouse on eBay for 99p, then you haven’t got a bargain, you have actually got 99p less and a useless piece of plastic, NOTE TO SELF, if it’s going cheap, it’s because it is cheap TATT).

What else??

I’ve arranged the Boyz Xmas drinks, in as much as I have sent the email and we’ve all agreed to get pissed on the 8th December. That, is as far as I am concerned the end of the matter.

I have a MSCA course next week, which I am mostly looking forward to the free Pub Lunches, and of course the time away from the office.

What I really need is a good Party to go too. However, it always seems to be my wife and I that do all the parties. I was just looking at the pictures from the Halloween one last year, and it’s given my a yearning for a good drinking and dressing up session.

That’s it; I’ll finish there and wish you all a good night.

Later Days

SS Doomtrooper

Speaking of B movies (such as Snakes on a Plane) - I caught a 'so bad I had to watch it til the end' movie last night called SS Doomtrooper.

Some decent actors ploughed through a hackneyed and chop-shopped script that seemed ripped from other movies (take your pick of any WW2 movie). What it lacked in originality, style and dialogue, was certainly made up for in it's lack of special effects.

The story was about a Nazi scientist creating a super-soldier masked hulk dude. The allies putting together a dirty dozen team of convicts to take the threat on. Wha-hey. So far so good. But what these actors couldn't have known was that the budget was blown on their salaries and nice german flags, cos when it came to the sfx of the german supersoldier, it was ridiculous.

Perhaps they had visions of a Lord of the Rings Troll type thing, crashing through the forest spewing bullets from an arm-mounted minigun. What they got was a playstation reject that was copy and pasted in any random fashion. Ahhh the delights of sfx gone wrong . . .

It's up there with 'Revenge of Billy the Kid' and 'Pinata: Survival Island'

Sleep, Where are’t thou?

How elusive as mistress is Sleep. You can be sat down stairs trying to watch TV with gritty eyes and heavy eyelids, yet put your head on the pillow and WHAM! You’re Wide awake!

You lie there, with thoughts shooting around your head, competing with the melody from the last song you heard that day.

I fucking hate going to sleep, and if I happen to have one goods night sleep, it means I can’t get to sleep again for another week.

Ah well, that’s an MP (My Problem) not a YP (Your Problem).

Later Days

A proper post about me.

I was in work last Monday and didn’t enjoy myself, an opportunity presented itself that one of the kids was sick, which gave me the perfect opportunity to hi-jack his symptoms and phone in sick.

So I took Tuesday and Wednesday off with a viral infection.

I was half contemplating to take the rest of the week off sick as well, when the gorgeous lady that shares my bed took ill as well. Which left only me to look after the 2 year old, so I did the honourable thing; I emailed work to let them know I was taking the rest of the week off on holiday. I find emailing in these situations much easier than phone calls, as you have time to contemplate and consider you words.

The rest of the week, was a mixture of administering medicines, cooking Chicken soup and keeping the two year old away from the living room where the “sick ones” had set up shop with the curtains closed. They spent their time, puking, spitting in to buckets, gargling and sleeping.

We had a great time, and they looked like shit.

By Sunday evening everyone was a lot better and ready (ish) for School\Work.

Monday was a sad day for me, first day back at work after a week off and not looking forward to the stick from the lads. We all take the piss out of each when someone is off sick, as we all naturally assume they have been swinging the lead.

Still I’m only in for a week, as I am on a training course next week.

In other news, I grabbed a Pink towel for my Gym towel on a dark Monday morning, and I am the only fella with that coloured towel, all the rest use white.

And finally I am organising our Boyz Annual All Day Christmas Drinks, I have already had more confirmations than I had last year.

The usual stuff:

Bushy’s for a slap up dinner of Sausage Chips & Beans

Then much drinking and wearing of Santa Hats.

Later Days

The Cheek of the Man

A friend of mine’s wife is expecting their 4th child this November, and his work gives two weeks Paternity leave.

Now when the child is born, it’s going to be a hectic and stressful time, what with looking after the new one and the others, so he went to his Boss and asked if he could take his two weeks Paternity leave early!

So he has had the last two weeks off on Paternity Leave, three months before the baby is born…….

What a cheeky Bastard.

Made me Laugh

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Snakes on a Plane

There are two things that save this movie from the Z-List bargain bucket of forgettable films. They are the mother-fuckin' Snakes (more preceisely, the special effects) and the mother-fuckin' Sammy L. Jackson.

This is the movie that the internet fan-boys made. Such hype was made over the simplicity of the title (ur... see above) and when Sam L Jackson signed up for the lead role - the geekgasm orgy began. The internet fanbase drew up the film logo, suggested lines to be inserted into the movie, and prompted the shooting of extra scenes to insert extra lines of dialogue and a boobies shot.

Unfortunately, the movie is poorly made, amateurish attempt at a B movie.

I like B movies. I like Tremors and Bubba HoTep and the low budget 'student cutting his teeth' movies. Inventive, witty, a guilty joy of two hours

But Snakes on a Plane is a poor, jigsaw attempt that relies on the sfx and SLJ to lift it into cinema's (and any movie that reaches the Isle of Man will have been pushed hard by the studios). There are some other moments and clips of dialogue that make an impact, but they are muddied by the "no cause -> erratic effect" and plain to boring film-making.

Luckily though, thanks to the Island getting it's movies two months behind all you mainlanders, you'll have either gone to see the movie and can make an informed opinion of your own, or it will now be a faint blip on the cinema radar and you'll p'rolly catch it on sky movies inbetween Sexcetera and Porn Valley . . .

Steve Irwin - Latest News Update

Australian environmentalist and television personality Steve Irwin is killed by a stingray while diving.

Foundations

It’s all about building a back story. You need to be believable. So today, I went home for lunch. I then rang the office to say I would be slightly late back as I was looking after the sick children, whilst the wife went to the shops.

The office is now aware my children are sick. So, when I subsequently ring up in the morning to let them know that what ever the children had has been passed on to me and I shall be off work for a couple of days, they will be prepared and believe me.

In fact, who cares either way, as I am not coming in!

Later Days

Big Up for my Mum

My mother is a sprightly 70 years old in 4 months, yet on a very very wet Saturday morning she did a sponsored walk from Peel to Douglas in torrential rain. The distance as the crow flies is something like 13\15 miles, but I would guess with all the ups and downs and corners, you are talking nearly 20 miles.

So well done Mum, although you didn’t get any blisters, you did let yourself down, by not babysitting that night as well.

Well done

What’s that smell?

As the wife & I are down to one babysitter at the moment, we were forced to stay in on Saturday night. Armed with two bottles of Red Wine and an Indian Take-away, we actually had a very pleasant evening.

However, the fun stuff occurred in the morning.

There was a lot of fermenting going on in my insides, which eventually found it’s way out in a rip roaring phart.

Which was funny in itself, however, when my 2 year old smelt it, he actually started choking, and dry retching…

I was in bit’s and couldn’t stop laughing…. It made my weekend.

Stevo Killed By A Stingray

So after years of swinging the worlds most deadly creatures around by their tales the Crocodile Hunter gets killed by one of the crappest animals on the planet – A Stingray, crikey.  People stand on these fish on quite a regular basis but dying from one of their stings is almost unheard of (you’d have to have a pretty strong allergic reaction to the poison).  Unfortunately (although in all honesty what are the chances that he didn’t have hold of it?) for Stevo he managed to get hit in the chest, close enough to his heart to finish him off. 

 

It’s a bloody shame though, many happy memories of a bunch of lads in the pub all doing their impressions “wahhh you wouldn’t wanna take a hit from this bloke, I’m gonna shove my thumb up his bum just to calm him down”.  He probably did more to get kids interested in animals and conservation in the past 5 years than anybody else, top 2 answers when you ask primary school boys what they want to do when they grow older, a footballer and the Crocodile Hunter.  Legacy left, jobs a good un.

 

It's finally happened...

I was in the shower this morning, and I grabbed a bottle in order to wash my hair.

Through the spray of lukewarm water emitted by our shower, I read the details on the bottle in my hand; triglycerides, double-shine(tm), polynutrients, aloe vera, 10% extra, etc

But the keyword I was looking for was missing. I don't give a sh!t about your marketing buzzwords, is this SHAMPOO or CONDITIONER? Didn't actually say it anywhere.

I hate marketing people. So full of sh!te. They should all be lined up, bummed by a gorilla, set on fire and then killed. In that order.

You see, a marketing person wouldn't understand the significance of the order. There's no point killing them first, they wouldn't feel the rest of it. Equally, you can't set them on fire before being bummed as that's cruel to the gorilla.

Marketing people would say, "well, I think we should keep the gorilla for the finale to make sure our demographic sits through the advertisement breaks" or "what colour fur should the gorilla have?" or "can we get Janet Jackson to sing during the pyrotechnics?" - all total irrelavent piffle.

And another thing (before I get loads of hate mail for this posting):

Many will claim that it's very simple; the Conditioner bottle stands on it's lid, which is how you tell the difference - unless you happen to be my wife, in which case ALL the bottles get stood on their lid.

Aarrgghh.

Working on the Chain Gang

Recently, I've been going to the gym and taking my darling wife with me.

Now, as a person who is somewhat knowledgeable in training practises, I realise you shouldn't overdo these things. Burn is good but pain is bad. Simply put; you want your muscles to sing with joy as the lactic builds up, but you don't want to scream with pain as your muscles tear.

My wife (despite her slenderness) is not the gym-bunny people think. Far from it. So while I gently introduce her to this new concept - 'exercise', I am very careful she doesn't overstrain herself.

She was busy doing the leg extensions with me watching over her. But her face showed she was in some discomfort:

"Are you okay?" I asked
"I don't think so"
"Pain?"
She grimaces.
"Hmmmm", I wonder, "Is it a sharp pain? Over the knee-cap? When you extend?"
"No"
"Is it sore here", I indicate, "behind the knee?"
"Nope"
"Your back?"
"No"
"What then?"
"I don't know, it just sort of makes me feel tired"

Oh. I see. Best go home and have some cake then.

Happy Birthday Son

I wont be here tomorrow as I am in Dublin for the next two days.

So a big Happy birthday to my eldest who is 12 years old tomorrow.

It is his last year as a normal young man, until he becomes the smelly moody teenager.

Stop

Apparently, it is time to stop doing what Sir Bob & Midge Ure asked to us to do: i.e. feed the world

The number of overweight people has topped 1 billion, compared with 800 million undernourished.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4793455.stm

It’s a man thing

Here is another idea, since Ady is throwing them out; chicks\girls have all sorts of Chick moneymaking parties. They have Ann Summers, Easy Tiger, Virgin V, Avon etc….

A chance where friends, family and work colleagues all gather, get pissed and buy tones of things that they don’t really need. In addition, the host gets a nice little commission.

Well where is the bloke equivalent?

I might start doing http://www.play.com parties. Loads of blokes meet at my house, I show off the latest DVD’s, Gadget’s etc and earn some cash on the side.

Just a thought (and that is the way it will stay).