My 40th and the Fall-Out

It was my Birthday Party on Saturday, and the wife and I were joined by 5 other couples to celebrate the fact I am middle aged, yet look early 30’s.

The night started very well, an hour’s socialable drinking in the newly refurbished Railway. We split up in to them and us (girls and boys) and enjoyed a few pints. We then headed over to Coasters for the meal, well most of us did. The girls managed to leave behind one of their own, and it wasn’t till they had been sat down for 5 mins that this was noticed.

The meal in itself was uneventful, apart from the usual from Bin Bon. Initially her food was not what she thought it would be from the description, so she sent it back. Then the replacement food wasn’t cooked enough, so that was sent back, just an average meal with Bin Bon.

At this point I was getting merrily drunk on Guinness. Once the meal was over, we headed off for a couple in C’la vie. Nothing special here, just a couple of pints. We were only there about an hour at the most before it was closing time, with not really having a plan, we umed and arhed over what to do. We were going to invite everyone back to ours, but we knew we didn’t have much alcohol in. So the Doyle’s kindly suggested we all come back to theirs, which was really kind of them as they hadn’t met the rest of the people there, until that night.

We called a Taxi and waited 30 mins for it to show up. I jumped in the front and the rest clambered in the back. 2 mins in to the journey the taxi driver pulled in to the side of the road and stopped the cab. The people in the back could then hear him having a right go at me, and those that knew me were probably thinking, “WTF has he said now…..”

Actually, I thought I hadn’t said anything up setting….

To pass the time and just to be friendly, I jokingly said, “I don’t suppose you have any Mince Pies left over from Christmas as part of your in-flight entertainment?”

Well the old codger went ballistic, “If you are going to carry on like that, you can all get out. I’m not the pissed up one, I here just trying to do my job, I haven’t been drinking all night….” And on and on he went.

Obviously, we had already waited 30 mins in the cold, so no one elected to get out. We said nowt and he drove on.

As I was paying, I happened to say, “I’m sure you’ll understand if I don’t give you a tip, fella”.

Well off he went again, about Health and Safety (don’t ask me I haven’t a clue what that was all about) and all sorts, shouting and foaming at the mouth…

Anyway; we sat down and continue with the evening, with everyone assuming it was my fault as usual that I had upset someone.

It was at this point that the apologises need to be made. I APLOGISE TO EVERYONE, especially Lorna, who had never really met me before and was not, forewarned what a Cunt I am when drunk.

I decided in my wisdom that although merrily drunk, I wasn’t “drunk enough” for my special 40th birthday party. I therefore thought the only way to fix this temporary aberration was to drink neat vodka….

Yep, you know what’s coming next.

The thing is, when drunk I think of all these extremely funny things, and although witty and clever in my head, by the time they come out of my mouth, and of course know one else knows the back-story going on in my addled mind, they come out like I’m being a cunt.

So I might (read: did) say a few things I shouldn’t have.
So a normal Sunday morning, being really annoyed with myself, vowing I’ll never drink in other people’s company again.

Paulie B has lessened the blow with these words:

The old "I'm not drunk enough yet" chestnut, light speed to disaster, I'm sure you'll be forgiven soon enough.  If you're not allowed to play the c**t on your 40th then when are you heh?

So a good night was had by all for 80% of the evening and my apologises again to one and all.

PS. Thank you for all the gift’s, even Steve’s. I really wasn’t expecting anything. Cheers

Happy Birthday Mr Kangaroo

At last, your age has caught up with your appearance. May you have all the slippers and cardigans you ever dreamed of and may your prostate remain small and tidy.

If ever we want to hear "how it was in the good old days" we shall come directly to you.

M&S

40th Birthday and Job Rant

Well tomorrow actually, but I can’t wait till Wednesday, when I am official old and or middle aged. I shall be the 40; half my life gone and the other half to look forward too.

So if anyone wants to send gifts, please feel free.

I like those vouchers from the Bank of England or the Isle of Man Bank (yes we do have our own money), please.

Anyway on with the Rant:

I applied for a Job a few weeks back and heard nothing. Literally, no thank you for your application; no sorry you were unsuccessful on this occasion. Absolutely nothing.

Flicking through the paper over the weekend, I noticed that the exact same job was advertised.

I had mentioned to one of the lads at work that I had applied for a job at this Bank. They happened to mention that a mutual mate’s girlfriend worked there.

So I fired off an email to her asking was it worth re-applying for the Job as I had heard nothing after my first application.

Here is her reply:
I spoke to the IT Manager here, and he went and checked as they didn't receive a lot of responses for the position and he didn't recall your name. After checking, it appears that they have not received your application. Can you tell us how and when did you send in your application form? Perhaps others have not made it in to us either!

At the time I even rang the HR person up to ensure she had received my application and she said, Yes, I’m just taking it to the IT manager now…. Bollocks.

What she’s done is: quickly gone through the applications and thrown out the best. She’s then put her Sons/Cousins/Best Friends application on the top with a couple of no hopers.

This is the way, things work round these parts, and you just have to get used to it.

Anyway, I have now used the Old Boy Network to get my application in front of the IT Manager and hopefully with a good word or two thrown in.

Sweat Dreems

"This is not so much going out to the people sitting in the audience, it's more going out to the people sitting in my mind"

I had a funny dream last night.

I dreamt I was having a telephone interview for a job in England. The guy at the other end was asking me various techie questions and I was doing my best to sound intelligent.

But I noticed (in the dream) that the interviewer was very hesitant, taking ages to come up with the next question.

And then I had a sudden insight; I was dreaming! The reason the interviewer was so slow was that it was actually my subconscious mind providing the questions. I found this so strange and, bizarrely, I felt it definitely gave me an advantage.

But the next question from the interviewer caught me by surprise "Do you have any experience with Windows OS Turner?". Firstly, for the non-techies, this is like saying "Have you driven the new Ford Creambun?" - it's a stupid question, there's no such thing.

So, I took a risk, "Yes, I've used it extensively" I replied. Let's face it, if he called my bluff, I could just wake up.

Ha - that showed him.

You Tube Video

What’s all this with people putting Youtube video embedded in their Blogs?

Do they think they are clever?

Just asking for no particular reason.

Cool Jedi Dude

I'm a big fan of all things StarWars; the movies, the books...er, that's it. The movies and books. NOT the figures, I'm not some sort of weird geek boy.

And everyone knows, the Jedi and their Force powers are the best bit. Like when Obi-Wan approaches a door and, with a subtle swoosh of their hand, they cause it to 'magically' open WITHOUT TOUCHING THE HANDLE.

Well, I have recently attained Jedi status and can now perform this amazing feat of kinetic manipulation. It takes huge concentration and mental control and (so far) only seems to work on lifts and supermarkets - but I get a big buzz out of the admiration I see in people's eyes as they watch me perform my 'space magic'.

"Are you venturing into Marks and Spencers madam? Allow me"
And with a wave, the doors inexplicably spring apart.

So that was my Saturday afternoon. God, I looked so cool.

Doctors

I knew this would happen. Yesterday I was the sickest man on the planet. Everyone in the office was telling me to go home and you really need to go to the doctors. I felt like shitte.

So I bit the bullet and phoned the doctors for an appointment on Wednesday morning.

Would you believe it, that today I feel much better…. I tell you it’s a conspiracy.

I bet if I was to cancel it, 5 mins later I would be coughing blood through my ears…..

DJ's and Foot Rests

We went out on Friday night with my Dad, which is something I shall not be getting in to on here. But one thing did annoy me, and that was the Pub DJ. He was up rocking away to his own tunes, happy as Larry. Except that no one was on the Dance Floor. Surely if no one has got up in the first minute of a song, they are not going to suddenly decide, “Oh it’s Birdie Song that been playing for 2 mins, I really like that one, fancy a dance”.

Ok, he’s not going to know what genre is going to get the people up, but if the song is on for a minute and no-one get’s up, changing the fucking song.

There was one other rant, where are those brass foot rests gone that use to festoon Pub’s. Every time I went to get a round, it must have looked like I was riding an imaginary bike, as I try to nonchalantly place my foot on the rest that wasn’t there. You have to try at least twice in case you simply missed with the first one.

Her Majesty Kills 2 American Military Personnel By Going Down

A long title, but quite a good one I thought.

I was in the gym this morning maxing out my max, or plodding along like a fat bloke on a cross-trainer. I was watching the BBC News 24 channel when there was a report on about a recent battle, can't remember if it was Afghanistan or Iraq, wasn't paying that much attention. Anyhoo, the BBC have obviously invested in some sort of automatic subtitle machine, it's bloody marvelous, the report carried on something along the lines off "300 have been killed in a battle conducted by alliance forces in the Adskhsd area of somewhere, 2 American military personnel were killed...". Straight away I started to think, 300 is a very round figure for a battle, not 307 or 291 but 300 exactly, how strange, if I was a cinic i'd almost thing there was some sort of propaganda thing going on, especially as only 2 of the "Good Guys" got killed.

It was then that the report got surreal "...2 American military personnel were killed as her majesty went down during the battle". WTF. Now everybody knows that Blair doesn't mind getting out the anal lube where George comes a calling, but her Majesty giving head to American military personnel is taking this whole alliance thing too far!

Man Flu & Doctors

I have Man Flu. In fact I have Bronchial Tuberculosis with acute pneumonia. Or a very nasty “chesty cough”. I’ve had it now for 4 weeks and it’s doing my head in. I keep getting coughing fits, which almost cause me to puke.

It’s now moved to my head, and so my sinuses are full and my head is thumping.

I daren’t go to the Doctors, because the minute I get to the waiting room for my appointment, all my symptoms vanish. I walk in and meekly say why I’m there, and yet I look fine. So bollocks that, I’m not going to made a fool of again.

I’d rather spend all day and night annoying everyone around me.

And I'm the Bad Guy

I get called in by the bank, and talked to sternly for using most of my £2000 pre approved overdraft every month, and Ford go $ 12.7 billion in debt.

You tell me, who should have had the stern talking too, and made to feel like a naughty two year old.

Bastards.

You kill one man you are a murderer, kill a million and you are the President of the United States.

Consultants and Chairs

We’ve had this “consultant” over for the last three days, going round everyone’s desk and telling us all off for sitting incorrectly, using our keyboards incorrectly and holding the mouse wrong and in the wrong hand. He recommends that everyone uses their mouse with the left hand, as the number pad on keyboards, mean that the mouse is too far away and at the wrong angle. If it’s on the left hand side, it would be better.

Oh Right…

This fella, has managed to spin this out for 3 days, with flights and accommodation thrown in. Not to mention wasting everyone’s time (30/40 each at everyone’s desk). Then at the end of this he gives you a leaflet that explains everything he has just said, almost word for word….. WTF.

No wonder they have no pennies left for my Bonus.

Of course what he tells you is only a recommendation, so you don’t have to follow what he suggests.

The ICING ON THE CAKE, is that because we have curved desks, the arms of everyone’s chair prevents them getting as close as he suggests. So we have to remove the Arms off everyone’s chair. Now when I say we… I mean me, as it is falls under the category, if it’s not Insurance or Accounting, then the IT MANAGER can do it.

So I’m going to spending the next week, taking fucking arms of chairs…. I hate by job at times.

I mean, they been using the same chairs for the past 5 fucking years, and we’ve got along happily.

I even showed him this Article that suggests researchers have found that you should sit at a 135 degree angle. (The one I’ve been sitting at for years). “Oh No, that’s not right”, he says.

Oh I see, I should listen to you over them, because? He didn’t have a reply to that.

Bollocks

Celebrity Big Brother

What were the chances of me not having an opinion on this one?

I've made comment on PBs blog, I've freely joined in with the workplace 'discussions', I've had posters made and posted them around Douglas.

And yet, I've done all this based on what I've read on Yahoo and BBC News. I have been a less than conscientious journalist.

So, over the weekend, I felt I would need to actually, physically watch the program described as Celebrity Big Brother before one of the two miscreants were evicted.

I watched on as Jade Goody (described as 'White Trash' by the racist Jackson) failed to convey her opinion; I watched as Shilpa Shetty (described as 'Poppadum' by the 'White Trash') unfairly used her superior grasp of the English language to manipulate an already explosive situation.

I saw the others not-be-bothered-enough to do anything about the situation (or worse, to stir it up with their stupid scouse accents)

I watched all this, combined it with my own xenophobic opinions and what I'd read in The Sun, and finally came to my (Nobel prize winning) conclusion:

I really, really want to grab Shilpa by the hair, dip her in a big tub of Galaxy chocolate and then lick it all off. Twice.

Phwooar!! What a hottie!

p.s. Did you know that 'Poppadum' is not in the Microsoft Word Dictionary? How racist is that? These people only eat Poppadums and mud and we can't even be bothered providing an entry. Not that they can read, so I don't suppose it really matters.

Game are coonts

Just nipped into Game this morning to ask about Nintendo Wii's again, only to be told the best they could do was put me on a waiting list. Coonts.

I went in before Christmas and was told that nobody could be put on the waiting list because ... no reason really, just because. So how come today I ask again and find myself on the waiting list at position 109? I'll be in every day now until I get to speak to the floppy haired spot monster that was playing the smart arse before Christmas. I'm soo tempted to pen a complaint but I have the feeling i'll only be wasting more of my time, so a rant and fist shaking will have to do.

Work Rant

A rare work rant from me.

I've been here for four months and successfully passed my probation period. Obviously.

And I've somehow acquired a largish work load. So much so that I'm already balancing multiple projects, one of which MUST be finished by the end of the month.

I had a couple of sick days in December. Genuine ones.

I was handed a letter today telling me that because my sick days occured within the probation period, they're not covered by the Sick Pay Scheme and I will be docked 2 days pay this month. That's quite a bit of cash. It would buy a Wii or an XBox 360.

I was then emailed and told that I had 2 holidays left and that I MUST take them before the end of January or I would lose them.

To recap
- 2 sick days that I must pay for
- 2 holidays that must be taken
- too much work to finish

I suggested that they just cancel each other out.

But no. It's not company policy.

So I will take Wednesday and Thursday off and, hopefully, I will not catch a tummy bug or develop a migraine coz that will ruin any hopes for this urgent project getting finished.

Kids today

What kind of bizarre semi-fantasy world do todays youth live?

Before proceeding, have a look at this article.

My 17 year old son came home last night quite disturbed. Looking a little pale.

He wanted to know if we'd heard the news that Armageddon was imminent (well, he actually said "didya hear about the atom bomb fing?"

Apparently, at quarter to twelve ("or somefink") the Palestinians were gonna set off loads of these Atom Bombs all round the world and that there was a good chance we were going to die.

He does this all the time. He can read a news article or listen to the news and just pick out a couple of words and just fills in the blanks himself.

And it's not just him (clueless as he is). Him and his mates had actually discussed this Palestinian Nuclear Threat wondering if (as the world was about to end anyway) they shouldn't just go down to WineRite and buy a crate of cheap lager.

Imagine if he read a headline like this: "Headmaster sacked over theft allegation"

He'd come home and say "see that fing about the bloke who was in a sack giving head to an alligator"

Shilpa Shitty, bitchiness is not racism

I've just had the news on and apparantely this whole Big Brother thing has now escalated into a diplomatic problem. Ofcom have received 16,000 complaints about the treatment of some Bollywood movie star at the hands of the evil white supremecist, Jade "Shit For Brains" Goody. Has the world gone completely mental? As anyone who has ever dealt with women and especially girls will know, the female of the species is bitchy. Obviously there is a scale of bitchiness but the sort of bitchy bitching being dished out on Big Brother is certinaly no more than what you'd find in any playground, lets face it Jade and her "gang" have about the same IQ as the average 8 year old, so why all the fuss? If the victim was ginger, fat or a lesbo then would anything be said, would it bollacks! Talking of racism, if the victim was English, Scottish, Irish or more likely these days Polish would anything be said, would it bollacks! Because it's a Pakistani there is uproar around the globe and 16,000 people wasting there money to phone Ofcom and complain. They are taking the piss out of Shilpa's accent, holly shit, you think that Jade hasn't had abuse about the way she speaks, probably by blacks and asians as well!

Bitchiness is not racism, it's how women deal with other women, get over it. If it helps to remove Jade from TV screens for good though then it's not all bad. By the way I hate racism, if all you can find to hate about somebody is the colour of their skin then you're not looking deep enough.

One final thought, I wonder what chances that the next bomb that goes off is blamed on the treatment of Shilpa and as punishment of our completely racist culture? Surely we deserve to be bombed for this almighty hate crime that is going on before our very eyes.

Rantless, Job and Thermopylae

I was hoping to find a rant in me somewhere, but try as I might there’s nothing. I haven’t a single angry bone in my body at the moment. So you are just going to have to put up with some drivel.

After vowing not to look for another job till after bonus time, there was one in the local rag that looked right up my street. It is a Support Engineer, but working as part of a team. If they have a team, it means they have lots to do, which is one of the reasons I don’t like it here. I could cope with the boredom here if they gave me a nice little corner desk and let me play Age of Myth or World of Warcraft all day.

However, the idea was to get away from IT, but I do like the classic support stuff I do, getting something working after the User has spent ages in frustration is a good feeling. Plus this new place offers a Yearly Bonus, Educational support, and non-contributory Pensions…. That’s three things that I don’t have here, plus of course a “competitive salary”.

So I have nothing to lose: I’ll apply and leave it in the hands of the gods. One thing I shall do, which I normally don’t really do, is ensure my CV matches exactly what they want. I shall tailor it to appear that I am the perfect candidate and that my outrageous salary demands are completely acceptable.

In other news, Ady pointed me towards the trailer of a new film 300 which is out later this year. This is all about the Battle of Thermopylae: my favourite Battle of all time. It’s where 300 Spartan’s and some mates, stood up against 4 million Persian’s. The best book I’ve read about it is Gates of Fire, which I very highly recommend anyone to read, seriously, it’s one of the best stories EVER.

My favourite quote from the Trailer:

When the Persian King, Xerxes, tells King Leonidas of Sparta, that their arrows will fill the sky and block out the Sun.

Leonidas, calmly replies, “Then we will fight in the shade”……

Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by,that here, obedient to their laws, we lie

Google is God.

I know a couple of us on this site, bang on about Google, but they really are the bomb. They do allsorts and what’s more they give it all away for free.

Have a butchers at http://labs.google.com/ to see what they can do for you.
Or read up at Mikey’s fav: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Google_products

The worst thing about working from home is...

the need to have the Radio on. Now I'm going solo I'm having to live with my own company all day, as I'm sure the lads will tell you what a bloody treat that is! Even with Gigs of music to listen to it gets repetitive, I'll be looking for some fresh supplies soon. I decided to try the radio. Still being what I consider to be a yoof I started with Radio 1, wow, it's bollox isn't it? The same 6 songs all day interspersed with shite spoutings of fuckwits and assholes. I like Chris Moyles, he's funny and in this day and age not very PC which works for me. I could manage listening to Moyles all day. Jo Whiley reminds me of some aging ladette ex alky whose constantly trying to tell everyone about how pissed she was "this one time". The younger birds appear to be trying to live up to Jo's reputation. Note to Radio producers, there's no point in having slaggy totty on the Radio, it doesn't work. The final part of my day is covered by some Scott bloke who sounds like a pre-pube nerdazoid, if he has 1. a social life or 2. a girlfriend I'll attempt to fit my foot in my mouth live on the webcam. I believe that the evenings are non stop wog music so I'll give that a miss.

Tomorrow I'm going to switch to Radio 2 and see how I get on, what I'm most worried about is actually liking it, surely that will mean I'm getting old and not down with the crew pimping hoes and keeping it real with some bangin gangsta shit.

The Week to be.

Well what’s in store for me this week? Well tonight, that gorgeous filly I married is out with the Girls, which means it’s a night in playing games (PC, 360 & Wii). I shall dedicate an hour to each and then wind down with a bit of TV.

Wednesday night, I’m out with a couple of old School friends, one of whom I have never been out for a drink with. I’ve known him since I was 2 years old, and we used to sit together in Primary School, but we’ve never been out drinking (legally). So I’m looking forward to that.

Friday I’m off to Dublin to do some techy work stuff, and hopefully have a couple of Guinness’s, if we finish before midnight.

That’s it really, my week in full.

Oh! Here is another Wii injury that’s in the news at the moment.

Same old Shit

A New Year at work and the same old shit. I have nothing to do, in fact I might have, but I have that little to do, that I can’t be arsed doing anything. I’ll stick it out till April, and then I’m looking for something different. I mean completely out of IT.

It’s the diminutive breaded weirdo, Noel Edmunds that is a supporter of Cosmic Ordering. So this is my Cosmic Order for 2007:

Dear Cosmos

I would like to be given a Bonus from my current employer of £3000. A week after this I would then like to be offered a job as either a Fireman or something where I’m not in an office all day. The pay need not be any better than I am on now, but comparable would be nice. I wish to be able to get to the point where I have money at the end of the month spare to be able to SAVE for once in my 40 years on this planet…. I also hope I have true happiness and merriment with my family and close friends and that good health continues to shine on my family, friends and I.

Thank you.

Yours truly,

Me.

That’s it.

God I’m Good sometimes.

Testing on a new system had come to a complete stand still today as they couldn’t get something to work. In fact it had been a couple of days, since it had failed and no-one knew why.

Finally they get round to asking me if I could look at it.

I said yes of course, but made it very clear that I had never used the system and didn’t know how it worked. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I spent 5 mins looking around and then used 12 years of computing knowledge to come up with a hypothesis.

Try changing this, but I’m only guessing as things the way it is now, don’t normally work on other systems.

Anyway, of course it worked…… Just call me Super Genius…

And they wont give me a BONUS……

Thank you.

Back for the New Year

Well I’m back at work now, having been off since the 22^nd of December. What a fantastic holiday I’ve had, I’ve really enjoyed not being at work and spending all day with the family. True to my word I’ve been drinking every night (with only a couple of exceptions), and my body was beginning to fall apart. So although not completely Dry, January will be back to the occasional drinking night.

Things to look forward to this year:

Well by little boy is Three today and is a fantastic, he is such a loving and friendly boy, funny and very intelligent. You would seriously think he’s been here before. So Happy Birthday Nemo.

It’s my 40^th next month (the 7^th to be precise), so start saving up everybody. If you are wondering what to get me, I am actually collecting those Vouchers that the Bank of England give out, they come in either £20 or £50 denominations and can be spent virtually anyway. So dig deep till it hurts, it’s not every year I’m 40.

As for the rest of the year, this is the Year, we get our finances on track. We aren’t in the shit yet, but if we are not careful, we could well be. So spending is down to a bare minimum. I have even cancelled my beloved Gym membership, which means I’ll be bored silly every lunch time, and we have to get up early to go for a run, which actually has a silver lining, as I doubt my knees can take the pounding. So come September I should be in enough agony for the doctor to do some urgent surgery, meaning I can do some R & R at home watching the Rugby World Cup….

We might have to ditch Sky as well, but we’ll at least wait till after the Six Nations.

As usual I have no New Years Resolutions, as I don’t think people tend to do them any more, or at least you don’t hear about them as much as you used to.

That’s it really, good luck to Ady, Paulie B, B & J and Donna on their projects (for want of a better word) they are doing this year.

Later Days

Drool

Nothing to say, really.

Just that the Holy Grail of Gadgets has finally appeared. As soon as they're available I'm buying one.

Gorgeous

Is LC no more?

The link for LC's page seems to be a link to an evil and conniving search engine for random pornographic goods. Has the lounger, movie reviewer and all round good egg upped and deleted his enjoyable blog? Seems likely - after his split with slurker just days before Christmas and the low ebb he was sailing.

Come back, LC, all is not yet forgiven!

You Call That A Wii

I want a Wii, I want a Wii now! Yep as there is still no sign of Nintendo’s latest toy becoming available to buy again anytime soon, damn you Game, I’ve had to resort to surfing the web for anything Wii related.

I came across this, forgot your standard minimalist white Wii, what you need is a pimped up techni-colour nightmare. Although it looks a little garish and shit the one advantage it does have is that at least when you split the other half’s head open with a miss-placed forehand smash the blood wont be as obvious on your controller.

Wii Skins

Second Wii Injury

We’ve rack up the second Wii injury after an exceptional excellent evening out with our friends. There were loads of wine and laughs, and merriment. However, when everyone came back to ours, most of the evening is a blank, which is best as apparently I was doing a striptease, and showing off my arse.

Anyway, whilst demonstrating the Tennis, I managed to clout the wife right on the elbow, which has come up in a lovely huge bruise.

I know I keep going on about it, but the Wii has been an excellent addition to our family.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Hope that everybody got everything they wanted for Christmas, my sack was quite literally bursting, I must have been a very good boy? Unfortunately Santa couldn't track down a last minute Wii for me, the staff in Game won't even speak to me anymore, but from the sound of it that may be a good thing. The image of marital bliss being shattered as somebody is smacked in the face by a flying controller has in my stitches every time, thanks for that Donna! I haven't heard of any of the lads picking up any serious injuries yet, although that could be more to do with the age of them, do you still have the energy to throw yourself around as you approach and then pass 40?

Anyway looking forward to meeting some of you tonight for food, beer and the essential talking shite, for those of you who I don't see may I take this opportunity to wish you all the very best for a healthy, happy, successful and most excellent new year.

First Wii Injury

Very quick post to let you know, we've had our very first Wii injury.

Whilst doing a particularly fine serve in Tennis against the wife, I managed to clout the heavy metal light in the living room. At the time I could have sworn I'd broken it.

Anyway, I'm ok.

I have to admit the Wii is excellent and loads of laughs. Best Christmas present ever.

The Last Post

Well my last post of the year, that is. From lunchtime today I shall be on holiday till the 8th Jan. A whole two weeks off, playing with the kids Christmas presents.

Monday night was my Mum’s 70th and we had a great time at the Casino. The food was excellent and although the ladies didn’t win on the Roulette table, my Mum did win the Christmas draw, £50 worth of Butcher’s vouchers.

Tuesday was Ady’s 40th Party. Excellent turn out for a great guy, although one particular friend didn’t turn up. If it was my Party I must admit it wouldn’t have bothered me, but I was slightly miffed that this person couldn’t even come down for 30 mins to show his face…. Still his loss.

Wednesday morning was spent playing Video games as was Wednesday evening, as was last night come  to think of it.

At 12.30 today we are all going to the Boardroom for drinks and open our Secret Santa’s… mine’s a bottle of alcohol as I’ve had a good feel of the present already. Then it off to Bar George for a meal and more drink and see how many of my work colleagues I can upset.

That’s it really, I shall be reading all the usual blogs whilst off, but I doubt I’ll get round to writing any. Still the other three lads will keep up the good work.

If anyone is in Douglas, Isle of Man over the next two weeks, do pop in for a glass of Port.

Merry Christmas One and All.

Forty plus

The fortieth Birthday Bash/Hootnany/Shindig was a successful little gig. Friends and family turning up for a splash the cash drinky binge.

And now I can concentrate on Christmas proper - and the constant purchasing of Crimbo pressies. Yay. but then comes the horror of Christmas pressie wrapping. Boo. Cos as has been proven by scientists, men just cannot wrap presents.

So why aren't there 'wrap bags' where I could put the pressie inside and it'll wrap up perfectly (or better than I could do) - perhaps with a vacuum thing to ensure a snug fit! oh no, they have to concentrate on curing diseases and proving quantum mechanics and other such rot.

So my night tonight will be dedicated to sellotape strips and wrapping up pressies to scrunchy, lop-sided effect. I'd best get the mulled wine out then.

Life Begins . . .

Wha-hey!

I'm 40, me. Time to put behind me all those childhood yearnings and to complete and fulfil the half projects and obsessions nurtured over the past years.

Time, indeed, to encompass all that I have and to direct my energies into loves and lives and comrades near and far.

I have a list, too, y'know. 40 things to do at 40.

May even be a bestseller this time next year.

Cya all tonight for a lil' celebration / commiseration.

Me

Parties, Door’s and Mice

Friday night was the wife’s work Christmas Party. Most husbands get told to make sure they behave themselves and not to make a show. Whilst I was under strict orders to ensure I was the life and soul of the Party. I don’t know about that, as the wife and her two work friends seemed to be up for that role. They more than got the barman interested in what they were or were not wearing….

Anyhoo, I danced with any one that would and dragged a few up that wouldn’t. I was feeling a tad too sober at one point and threw down a double vodka chaser just to catch up with “er in doors”. All in all I think we had a very good evening and I am waiting on reports back to see what impression I made.

Saturday Night was a step back in time; years ago (we are actually talking 16 years) I used to work as a Bouncer or Crowd Control Engineer at a local Club. Mainly because I was going in virtually every night and thought, if I worked a couple of nights a week I would get in free the rest and make some money, plus of course all the girls like Doormen. Anyhoo, that was 16 years ago, and I thought I would never have to do that shit again. However, if I could link you to our online Bank Account, you’ll see why I need the second job.

So once again I donned the mystique of the Surly Doorman. Well actually, surly isn’t me; I must be the friendliest, happiest and most affable Doorman in the World. Still that’s just me. I must say, I’m surprised that half the girls out were a) old enough and b) didn’t catch pneumonia. Surely they forgot to put the rest of their outfit’s on and then left their coats in the taxi……

I spent 6 hours looking mean (ish) and fighting off the advances of drunken sluts. There was no trouble at all, which is nice, but it’s no way to make a second living, but it pays well. Still the sooner we win the Lottery the better.

I did find a fiver on the way to work, so things are looking up on the Luck side.

Tonight, it’s my fantastic Mother’s 70th, and we are off to the Casino. Tuesday night is Ady’s 40th and we are out for a few drinks. So I have Tuesday and Wednesday of work. Thursday should be quiet. Then Friday is my works Party which starts at 12.00 in the boardroom, handing out Secret Santa’s and then off for a meal.

Then I’m off for two whole weeks and return on the 8th January.

You’ve heard of Snakes on a Plane, well now read about the sequel, Mice on a Plane.

Eviiiiil

Nintendo continue to advertise their Wii on TV even though the games console is sold out and unavailable until after Christmas. Why? It's not to motivate people to buy one - cos they are unavailable to buy.

It's to reinforce the smugness of those that do have these consoles. To give them the 'I'm clever' feeling as the conversation crops up around the office and they boast that 'yes - the Wii is a marvellous thing any they enjoy wiiing all night long'.

Smug Bastards!

* especially those who had the forethought to order two! Sell one on Ebay and cover the cost of the original. Smugly of smugliest bar stewards.

Again with the Blogging

It’s been everyday this week, which is more than I can usually manage. But I’m trying to make an effort as I’m off work for two weeks over Merry Christmas, and there is no way I’ll get round to blogging at home, it’s strictly a passing the time in the office thing.

This article gave me pause for thought, I only got to number two before I had to stop and rant.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4566526.stm

Mohammed is now one of the 20 most popular names for boys born in England and Wales. Mohammed?? OMG. Mind you here on the Rock it’s going to be Andrzej or Piotr in the next few years as the Polish take over.

As for other things, it’s my little Brothers 8th Wedding Anniversary on Monday, so congrats to him and his lovely wife. They are off to (in his words)

Singapore to sample, Xmas spirit, real ale, Guinness, fine food, cheap food, night safari, 5 star hotel, city life, a hangover, the old firm game on Saturday watching in a Irish bar, see the Xmas lights.

Also on the same day is our Mum’s 70th, so the wife and I are talking her to the Atlantis Restaurant, in the Hilton Casino. The food is usually very good, and it over looks the gaming floor. After the meal, I have graciously allowed them both 5 new British pounds to spend on the Roulette Table. Happy Birthday Mum.

Then if that’s not enough, one of the hallowed bloggers of this very tome is 40 on Tuesday. So we are all off Salsa dancing to welcome in the start of his life, as of course Life begins at 40.

That’s it.

Banks - The Flip Side

I don't like Banks*

But they're a necessary evil. Just like wives.

My bank keeps my money safe for me. Gives me access to it from all over the world. Let's me pay my bills. Let's me spend my wages before it even clears.

etc.

And for this they charge me - nothing. In fact, they pay me a very small amount of interest for the joy of caring for me. How bizarre. I'm eternally grateful.

And I never have bank charges. Coz I'm not an idiot. When I only have £10 in my account, I don't write a cheque for £1500. It's not rocket science.

However, if these whiners continue to bug the banks about the legality of charges, then the banks will eventually say "fair enough, you win. We will no longer charge you for having a IQ of below 50. Instead, we will charge everyone an annual fee for their accounts and, just coz we can, we'll charge you 10p for every transaction we process. And 2p for everytime you use a cashtill".

Because although it is not legal to make a profit from bank charges, it is perfectly legal to charge what they like for looking after accounts.

Banks are in this to make money. I'd much rather they made it from stupid people than from me.

*And I don't work for a Bank. I once did, but they fired me. Apparently, shredding files is not "a super efficient way to deal with all the filing I have to do"

Robbing B’stard Banks

Here are a couple of really interesting articles, that are well worth a read if you have been charged Penalties by your bank over the last six years.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6169539.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6170209.stm

On another note, we were without children for 3 hours last night. What do people do with kids? The house was quiet as a grave, and we were bored silly.

That’s it really.

Bye

Wii

Well we fell for the temptation; last night we played tested the kids Nintendo Wii’s. I was certainly no Babe Ruth on the Baseball, but I shone on the Golf. Actually I almost threw my shoulder out on the first two swings, as I missed the ball. Then I realised you had to press the A button to step closer to the ball. The wife also did an excellent impression of Horny Kornacova, whilst playing the tennis.

I can’t wait till Christmas day to have a proper blast at them.

Later Days

My Christmas Resolution

I intend to get fat, drunk and happy this Christmas. I shall refrain from going to the Gym for the whole of the Christmas period, and when ever anybody offers me a drink, I shall drink it.

There are three reasons for this:

1. I want to make this the happiest and best Christmas ever.


2. I want to see how fat I can get.


3. I also want to give my knees time to heal.

I actually wrote that first bit some two weeks ago, and so far I have drank pretty much every night.

We had the Boys Annual Christmas Drinks Day Out on Friday and had an exceptional good turnout. I think there were around 10 of us. We started at the Rovers, and had a huge feast, and then got down to som serious drinking. I was in charge of the kitty and think I did pretty well, i.e. the point where I couldn’t talk, drink, or stand up. I then went home. I haven’t heard all the stories yet, they will start to filter in over the next few days. If there are any really juicy ones I’ll pass them on.

On the Christmas front, I’ve done all my shopping and even managed to get hold of TWO Nintendo Wii’s, even though there is much hullabaloo about people not being able to get their hands on them. Obviously, don’t tell the kids as they don’t know they are getting them.

That’s about it really, it’s take me two weeks to get this much on to the Tin Ter Net.

Merry Christmas

Ever wondered what time it is?

Simple solution, use a clock:

Mikey Time

You're welcome.

We're all gonna die

Greetings My Subjects

Unpleasant Environmental Article
Pointless Political Article

Ironic, isn't it, that this environmental article appears in the Independent the day after Gordon Brown puts petrol/aircraft taxes up by a FigRoll or something equally pathetic.

Actually, that's not irony, that's a coincidence. But what is ironic is that I found it ironic. Okay, that makes no sense. Which is itself ironic.

Anyway, we're screwed.

Guess which one would be more detrimental to human life:
1. A Muslim-Christian nuclear confrontation
2. Phytoplankton extinction
3. Brad and Angelina breaking up
4. United being knocked out of the Champions League

Number 2. By miles.

However, even if Gordon Brown had put a quid on a litre of petrol (which I'm strongly in favour of) it would be a drop in the ocean compared to the quantities consumed by the f*cking North Americans where you get a free litre of 'gasoline' with every bagel.

And don't get me started on the Chinese. I don't see why they even have to travel. Since they all look alike, can't they just ring someone at their destination and get them to fill in? Who would know?

Save the planet - turn off your heating and walk to work. Ironic that I do neither.

What to write about?

First of all, congrats to my eldest son on being made Sports Captain for his School House, well done lad.

I hope Donna’s new system went Live with no problems and all is well in Ipswich.

My wife is out on her Girls Christmas day drinking session this Friday, which reminded me that the Lads one is the following Friday, so I’m very much looking forward to that.

I’ve ordered my Nintendo Wii, I mean the kids Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Although I still have no idea what to get the wife.

I’m sure there was something I was going to mention, but alas it’s gone.

Very much a rambling Post, but who cares.

Merry Christmas One and All.

Artistes? Twats more like

Pop Stars, Movie Stars, Directors, Producers, Composers...all twats.

This article goes on about how unfair it is (actually, the article is quite level-headed) that the 50-year copyright rule will start to affect Crooners from the 50s and 60s like Cliff, the Beatles and Elvis. Effectively, they won't get royalties on their older recordings.

My heart bleeds.

Somehow, these artists didn't receive enough money already? Maybe if you'd invested 1/3 of your Cocaine budget in Government Bonds you wouldn't be brassic?

It's not as if this came out of the blue, this rule has always been there. If you haven't sufficiently planned for your retirement maybe you should consider a job in Tescos like the rest of us you bunch of one-trick-pony loser whiners.

Save Cliff - download a dodgy copy of Living Doll from the Internet today!

Dredd Day

It happened this morning, those awful words that every Dad across the country loathes to hear: “Can we put the heating on in the mornings?” I mean you expect that sort of mutiny from the children, after all they don’t know better. They have no idea that it all costs money.

But when it’s the woman you adore most, who’s ever whim you cater for, then it’s like cold steel straight to your heart (and wallet).

Surely it’s not that cold I speculate; knowing too well that it’s a groundless argument. Won’t someone think of the planet??

So there we have it, from Monday morning you’ll be able to hear our leaky old oil burner chomping its way through my bank balance.

Baa Humbug

Drunk: A little

My wife was out last night, so I had an evening of me time. I was quite tired and so I thought I’d have a few battles on Halo, watch a little TV and then hit the sack around 1130pm.

Halo started well, but I was soon way out of my league, and felt the best way to help my team mates to win, was to eject myself from the game. I then decided to have a quick go on Age of Myth on the PC; it was at this point (around 10.00pm) that I had woken up enough to have a cider. As the battle progressed over the first hour I realised that my large bottle of Cider was empty and went to the fridge to replace, said bottle.

As my Army was finishing off any survivors, 2½ after I started, I also realised that I was very drunk and that I had to force down the last glass of cider. It was also 12.40am, lucky enough, my life partner didn’t come home till after 1.30am and so she didn’t notice that I was coooooooonted.

However, I had a great night.

Oh! It’s been a Long Time.

I haven’t put pen to paper for a while, mainly because I couldn’t think of anything worth anybody reading.

Last Friday 4 of us went to see James Bond and what an excellent film it was. One cried off going for drink afterwards as he had been rather drunk at a Rugby Dinner the night before. But three of us managed to make it to the Piano Bar. Now the trouble with this Bar is that there is no “Last Order’s”, it stays open till everyone goes home. I was under strict orders not to come home before 11.30pm as my sexy wife had the girls round for food and wine. Anyhoo the three of us are sat there righting the world and talking loads of shitte, when Paulie B notices it’s 2.30am. Bugger me! I’m off home he says. Mike & I decide to finish our drinks and then head off home.

Meanwhile Paulie B had gone for Chips, Cheese & Gravy and the found to his dismay he didn’t have enough money left for a Taxi. So he wanders in to town to find a cash point and then takes another hour finding a taxi, eventually falling home at 4.00am.

Mike and I walk past my house and I suggest to Mikey that he comes in and phones a Taxi, to which he snorts at the idea and starts to run off. I feel compelled that he take my generous offer and take chase shouting at the top of my voice that he cease and desist and come use the Telecommunications device in my humble abode. Obviously he’s taking none of that and runs away. Dejected I walk the few meters back up the road Oblivious to the fact that I had been screaming at 4.00 in the morning in a previously quiet residential area.

Michael made it all the way home, and ran out of gusto in his front garden, where he need rescuing from his catatonic state and brought to bed by his long suffering life partner.

I undressed in the toilet leaving all my clothes on the floor, got in to bed, farted and fell asleep.

Excellent Night.

Rant

A few posts ago Kingster highlighted the fact that the Isle of Man has one of the worst places in the UK for customer service. This, unfortunately, is true - and has been largely ignored by the Manxies (who are the first to complain about comeovers, stayovers, foreign-types and the Oirish).

An example of such poor service and general distaste to be helpful is the Regent Street Post Office.

Newly decked out in the finest interior design tax-free money can buy, you are led to a bank of seven desks between railings. At the end is a scruffy laminated sign stating "Please wait to be called"

Although each of the desks may have staff behind them, and maybe one or two of these serving customers, they will do their utmost to ignore anyone waiting to be served in a little game they call 'Phuq Ewe'.

And so the game begins! The 'don't look up and catch the eye of the (growing impatient by the minute) customer' and the 'click, click, click of my computer though God Knows how many times I can check the calendar and time on this thing - but at least I look busy' and the 'chat with colleague stretching across the divide to block vision' tactic.

There are many ways to win this game - and I have been victem to them all.

Ahhh - but at least you are faced with welcome and helpful assistance when you finally do get to a counter? Eh? Oh no - the fun only continues with exhasperated sighs, unhelpful comments, unnecessary and tedious distribution of stamps (what? 7 stamps for a UK letter - and how am I to stick them on the envelope? What? lick the back of them - after they've passed through your sweaty fingers . . .).

Anyhoo. I'm manx and have come to expect such poor service.

Panspermia

No it’s nothing to do with Pam Anderson’s Home Videos; it’s the theory that life on earth was started after being seeded by Alien Bacteria. Which is gaining more and more recognition after Red Space Rain fell to earth in India.

So where’s you God now Eh!

As for things happening this week: I’m off work sick on Thursday & Friday (it’s just a feeling I have), which means I might as well lay the laminated flooring in the hall, whilst recovering from my sudden illness.

Friday evening the lads (at least a Quorum) are off to see the latest Jimmy Bond film, and then a few beers afterwards.

That’s it really.

Banks

The bloke I sit opposite is a real jobs-worth. A real tight-fisted, know-it-all. He loves quoting pseudo-legal jargon at Car Dealerships, the MEA, Waltons, the Govt and basically anyone he can avoid paying (even if they've done their jobs).

And although he is payed Contractor Rates, he does little work and has no shame in falling asleep in his chair at least once a day (but always gets his invoices in on time).

Today, I heard him telling his bank that he wouldn't pay their charges which were 'incompatible' with the services provided. That £25 for an overdraft letter was totally innapropriate and (signed Contract or not) that he looked forward to seeing them in court where they'd have to 'justify' their inflated charges.

He was clearly very proud of himself. Another company screwed.

He came off the phone and asked me what I thought about Banks outrageous charges. He was obviously intending to impress me (and anyone listening) with his shrewd, business acumen.

Before he could begin his diatribe, I jumped in (pretending I hadn't heard his call)

"Charging £25 for a letter does seem high. Then again, their premises don't just magically appear and Cash-tills don't grow on trees. Then there's the staff to pay, the Computer Systems, the huge insurance they have, advertising and sponsorships, heat, light, and complimentary coffee.

"So, when you're in credit and getting zero charges, do you ring them and insist they take some money from your account, because it's unfair for them to lose out?

"I think it's pathetic the way people sign up for things and then whinge about it later when things don't go all their own way

"Why? What do you think about Bank charges?"

The above tirade is slightly abridged. Coz although I fucking hate Banks, he just winds me up.

The fucker is asleep while I type. NO SHIT!

Decorating

We moved in to our lovely home the day the planes hit the tower, 9/11 as it’s called. In those 5 years I have painted the Hall, (which everyone will agree is the largest surface area, with 8 doors frames to go around) no less than 4 times. In fact on one occasion I started and was only 30 mins in to painting, when my lovely wife decided she didn’t like the colour.

Of course she decided again, that it was time for a change, and picked a new colour. So yesterday I took one of my precious work Holidays and did some decorating. Wanting to do it all in one day, I set the Alarm for 06.00am and was painting the ceiling by 5 past. With the exception of 45 mins for lunch and the odd 10 mins here and there, I finished at 8.00pm, and only then because I ran out of paint. 14 hours of painting.

Although I am complaining to all and sundry, I actually enjoyed it. Firstly I got a day off work. Secondly you could see something at the end of the day. Unlike our visit to Steve’s, in which we worked all day and just came away thinking, what did we accomplish?

Any way I shall repeat the salient points.

Used a Days Holiday to Paint the Hall
Four times in Five Years
14 Hours of almost non-stop painting.

Thank you.

As a Parent...

...I read this story with a heavy heart:

Depressed Little Girl

It tells the tale of a lovely little 4-year old girl who has been diagnosed with depression by her GP due to missing out on attending the same primary school as her nursery friends.

Although this seems to pale into insignificance compared to being behind with the Mortgage payments or being dumped by your girlfriend, it should be remembered that everything is relative. To this little girl, this is the end of her world.

So, she should be treated just as we would treat an adult suffering with depression.

i.e. Suck it up Princess, life's a bitch.

And the mother is letting her stay off school!!! What kind of bollocks is that? Exactly how is she gonna make new friends that way? They're setting the poor bitch up for a life of misery and disappointment.

Free Saddam!!

Yes, this week only, we will be offering ex-Tyrants at NO CHARGE (plus P&P).

But seriously. Yahoo ran a story that Britain was 'happy' with the verdict. I was wondering who they asked. They didn't ask me or anyone that I knew. We are a country opposed to Capital Punishment. And yet, we are apparently pleased in this case. Of course, Yahoo is an American company, which brings me to the point.

Saddam is (as far as my information has it) guilty. He's a bad man. He should be suitably punished. Cut off his arms and legs and put him a glass box in downtown Bagdad. Whatever. But Capital Punishment is the last resort of the intolerably stupid.

But what gets my goat is that he's been tried and judged by a corrupt...oh what's the point? The trial was unfair. The verdict was pre-agreed. The sentence is a crowd pleaser. The timing is votes-driven. The Judge and Jury are a bigger bunch of criminals than Saddam could EVER dream of being.

This shite will breed rage and hatred for another generation.

And when will Bush be in the dock? Never. The crimes of an American President are wiped clean after office. And who dares to invade the US in order to put him on trial?

Society gone mad

Did anyone read this story?

Jellybaby two cleared of all charges

It's about the two guys who were recently cleared of racism regarding biting off the heads of black Jelly Babies. I found the story entertaining, shocking, pathetic and bizarre. A sign of things to come.

However, what really struck me was the name of one of the defendants:

Victor Cooney

Ironic really, when you consider that 'Victor' is the ancient Greek word for 'man who lies with the black wife of his brother before triumphing in battle'.

Daddy & Son Mummies

You want some?

All dressed up for the Nursery School Hop Tu Naa Party.

Hop Tun Naa or Halloween.

I went out Hop Tun Naaing last night with the kids. What really got up my nose were the bastards that wouldn’t answer the fucking door.

You know they are in as the TV’s on and you can see them changing channel or walking around. But will they answer the door, will they buggery.

Try explaining to a 2 year old why the misery fucker behind the closed door hasn’t got the decency to spend £2 on some sweets to give to the children. Fuckers.

They spent weeks waiting for this, hours dressing up and learning the Songs, and some smug bastard sits on the sofa listening to the little cherubs singing there hearts out, and thinks he’s got one over them by not handing out 50p worth of confectionary.

Fuckers.

You could hear the little tykes hearts breaking as we had to walk away from another house empty handed. If it was so fucking cold last night I would have stayed there with my finger on the door bell till they came out.

Next year, we are going prepared and tooling up with Stanley knives. Any Scrooge that doesn’t answer get’s his fucking tyres slashed. That will show them.

Fucking Fuckers. Fuck em.

A life shared is a life halved

There is a famous book called DiscWorld in which two characters wander around having great adventures.

One of the characters is known as The Tourist. At the end of the book, he elects to go home rather than continue adventuring. When asked why, he replies that the point of adventuring is just to create memories for him to reminisce about from the comfort of his armchair.

Life is a bit like that. We lead interesting, eventful lives just so we have something to talk about when we reach 70.

One of the advantages of having a lifelong partner is that the memory database is shared. I like nothing better than sitting down in the evening with Shirley and a cup of cocoa and getting all nostalgic about the colourful episodes from our past.

"Remember when Take-That first came out", I say, "and we went to that party and I was dancing and everyone thought I moved like Robbie Williams? I was such a good dancer back then"

"No, what I remember is you being totally pissed, stumbling about the dancefloor and everyone staring at you coz you're such a twat. God I was embarrassed"

"Yeah, and that Cat Suit made you look like a slut"

"I looked good in that Cat Suit, you bastard!"

etc.

Okay, not a good example.

Is there a God - Part IIb

In response to the response to the previous blog...

I don't want people to think I'm some kind of gay Christian. God didn't create Adam, Eve, life or even Stars. And certainly didn't shag Mary. Or Buddha. He couldn't give two shits whether you perve over your neighbours missus or kill baby sheep (aka lambs).

Life forming (or not) is not proof either way on the existence of a higher power. The likelihood of life forming is ENORMOUSLY HUGE compared to the likelihood of atoms* forming.

Imagine a length of guttering a billion miles long. Roll a marble down it, the marble will eventually find the optimum position (i.e. the bottom). This is Life. Given enough time (and guttering), it will form.

Now turn the guttering over and roll the marble along it in the vein hope it will run perfectly along the ridge of the guttering. This is the balance required for atoms to form. The slightest imperfection and the Universe is annihilated. It is the ONLY example of perfection in the Universe.

Given 18 Billion years and trillions of planets of raw material, life was BOUND to form sooner or later. It would be shocking if it hadn't (of course, who would be shocked?)

But unlike "life", atomic balance had only ONE chance in a timescale that makes a picosecond seem like an Eon.

All "God" did was instigate that balance, the rest took care of itself. God probably did that and then fucked off to the "pub" to wait for B&Q to form so he can get some odd-jobs done around the house.

Epilogue
If you came home from work to find your living room tastefully redecorated, your library sorted into ISBN Number order, a nice Chilli waiting on the table and live Rugby on the Telly, there comes a point where you have to accept that someone deliberately did all this and that it wasn't just a fluke.

*I use the word atoms, I might mean Leptons or Quarks or something. I really don't remember. My grasp of 'string theory' is limited to say the least.

Is There A God - Part II

I've spent many months not researching this. I literally haven't spoken to dozens of people about their beliefs/non-beliefs and assimilated thousands of pages of statistics not on this very subject. I didn't visit the National Library and didn't spend many a dark night reading through ancient Tomes from Babylon and the Red Sea.

And I've finally reached my conclusion:

GOD EXISTS!

I base my conclusion on the Triumvirate of Indisputable Facts that I have entitled "Scientific Likelihood", "The Programmer" and "No point"

Today, I shall cover the first Truth, although all are equally important.

SCIENTIFIC LIKELIHOOD
I spent a little time studying Quantum Physics a few years back. Now, my memory of it is a bit hazy, but apparently, there are some physicists who say the statistical likelihood of sub-atomic particles (Hadrons, Quarks, Photon Torpedoes etc) organising themselves into a form of matter capable of supporting a Universe of Galaxies, Stars and Planets is sooooooooooo small, it CAN'T have happened by chance. Only a MIGHTY BEING could have orchestrated this.

Seriously, following the big bang, the Dead-Small-Bits(tm) should have dispersed equally. The coincidentally perfect balance between sub-atomic attraction, electric repulsion and gravity is beyond belief. Literally.

The chances of the Universe forming like it did is like getting a bucketful of sand, throwing it into the air and watching it land in a perfect 3D representation of my dick and balls. Balanced on the head of a needle. Despite a howling gale. And there being no bucket. Or sand. This is way more likely to happen.

And that kind of thorough scientific research is good enough for me.

Science proves there is a God. Ironic? You be the judge.

The one with the Problem

The Australian muslim leader speaking his mind (context is liberally accepted) has accused some women of attracting sexual assault by the way they dress (ie - that they do not wear the hajib and are therefore considered "uncovered meat") Ooh Matron!.

This highlights the real reason why the hajib (head dress) is worn by muslim women is the oppressive attitude of Muslim men. Visiting muslim countries western women soon learn to cover up - not so much out of respect for the culture or taking note of the countless warnings in the brochures - but because the men in these countries stare and leer and openly grope any woman with an inch of flesh showing.

The hajib may be the dress code for Muslim women - but dig to the roots of the reasons why - and it is yet another oppression of women. Sheesh.

It's Time

It’s time we all stood up and let everyone know that there is in fact NO GOD. It’s not just me that thinks like this, it’s a lot of people, mostly intelligent people. If you don’t believe me, and require more reading to make up your minds, try the following posts.

LC’s is more plain language.
Wired - Battle of the New Atheism
Huffington Post - Richard Dawkins: Why there almost certainly is no god

Basically, it just plain stupid to believe in God, there is no proof, not even the slightest tiniest bit of proof. If you need to fill your live with anything, why not try either concentrating on your family or taking up a hobby or past-time.

What you shouldn’t do is anything to do with religion.

Once religion is out the way, they whole world can settle down and concentrate on repairing all the damage we have done to this planet.

Remember: There is NO SUCH THING AS GOD.

Playing a blinder

My wife is strange but lovely. Or strangely lovely. Whatever.

We were driving home a few weeks back in the early evening. Our route took us up a certain hill in a westerly direction.

Sure enough the sun was near setting and (magnificent though it was) was blinding. Even with sunshades down, it was almost impossible to see the oncoming traffic.

My delightful wife commented on this:

"This is awful, I can't see a bloody thing"
"I agree", I agreed
"They should do something about this"

This took me totally by surprise and it took me a while to reply

"Darling...pardon my ignorance...but who is 'they' ?"
"You know, the government?"
"Er. I see. And, out of interest, what do you suggest they do about the gargantuan ball of flaming gas 93 million miles away in space?"
"Well, I don't know, do I? I'm just saying, I can't see where I'm going, what am I supposed to do?"
"Stop"

Bloody Foreigners

I don't like them and I don't think they should be allowed into the Island unless they have achieved a (to be determined) level of suitability.

I would suggest a Degree (or higher) from a recognized University, no criminal record of any sort and a squeakily clean bill of health. They should also be required to invest in £20,000 worth of Government bonds for a period of 5 years. And be able to pass English GCSE (which, if my son can do it, anyone can).

When achieving citizenship, they should be required to swear allegiance to the Rock forsaking ALL others. And no dual-citizenship; you're either Manx or your not.

Australia and Canada do this kind of thing (almost) and attract rich, intelligent 'dirty foreigners' which add to the common good and who are more than keen to integrate.

We, however, are taking on a dumbass underclass who will bleed the state dry and take the average quality of life down rather than up. This smelly underclass will resent the indigenous population and will refuse to integrate which will pose problems in the future.

I hear the counter-argument that the incomers help boost the economy; read that as "my house will be worth more". Greed is no reason to forsake a Cultural Identity.

The Northern Europeans have warred, killed, suffered and toiled over the last 5,000 years to achieve the current level of security, culture and dignity that exists nowhere else. Don't squander it in a couple of decades due to political correctness. We earnt our (currently) elevated position.

It's the human "race", not the human "as long as everyone gets a turn and no-one loses or calls anyone any names" for f*cks sake.

Political Correctness? Get a f*cking backbone.

Rant over.

footnote: this is pure rhetoric - it's already too late. Wave goodbye to the old world, the world of diversity, colour, contrasts and mystery. If you can buy Chicken Nuggets in an Indian Restaurant and Chicken Tikka in Marxies, then the balance has tipped.

Chilli & Chocolate & ID3

We had my chilli last night with the secret ingredient, which was chocolate. Apparently a couple of chunks of dark chocolate adds some sweetness to the chilli. God knows if it did, I certainly couldn’t taste it, but I can say the whole thing was gorgeous, in fact I’ve just had the remains on toast for lunch.

That’s about it. I’ve done nothing at all at work this week, and have spent all of the time looking at reviews of my soon to be new MP3 player (if my wife actually orders it for me). Tonight is going to be an early night, as I never sleep properly after I have been drinking and last night was no exception. Although I did catch a few episodes of the X Files between 2.30am and 4.30am.

The only other thing I might do tonight is sort out my MP3 files. Once I get my new toy in December I can sync it with the PC using Windows Media Player, however, 40% of my MP3 files don’t have complete ID3 tags and so don’t show up what the track, Artist, Album etc is in WMP, which has been fine up to now, as I tend to play tracks my clicking on the file in Windows Explorer. But I shall make the effort of going through them all and delete those that don’t have complete labels. I have until Chrimbo day. I shall also get a small collection on my favourite photo’s ready, and a couple of Music Vids. I wonder if I can persuade her to give it to give early. I hate waiting for things once I know I am getting something.

So it’s just hanging on waiting for the bell to go home. Look busy and drink lots of tea.

Today and Stuff

Quiet night last night, the only highlight was making the Chilli for tonight; apparently it is better if it is left to rest for a day or so. Plus I added the secret ingredient. Which I won’t tell what it is until after we taste it, I am not one of those that taste’s food as it cooks. If it’s going to be horrible, I’d rather not know till the last minute and then there’s nothing that can be done. A sort of fatalist cooking mantra.

In other news, as usual I was reading Stuff magazine and stumbled upon a cool bit of kit that I instantly thought, I’d like one of those. So I’ve spent all morning looking up reviews of it, and they are all very good. So I have decided that it’s my Christmas and Birthday present rolled in to one.

It’s a Sandisk Sansa E series, which comes in various sizes from 2GB to 8GB flash memory. The pros are: it plays all the usual Music formats, it also plays videos and displays photos on a very nice TFT screen. It also has a MicroSD card slot to expand the memory even more. Plus and the big plus, they are very cheap for all the features you get.

That’s this morning’s work, what shall I virtual buy this afternoon?

What to do this afternoon. Roll on 5.00pm.

Very Good Article

Within 100,000 years the divide between rich and poor could lead to two human sub-species

HUMANITY could evolve into two sub-species within 100,000 years as social divisions produce a genetic underclass, a scientist said yesterday.

A most interesting article indeed.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2406821,00.html

Although it doesn’t mention who will win the Bluray v’s HD DVD war, or which next generation gaming console will be victorious.

Things gone by and to come

Friday night is as usual a far a distant time that I can no longer recall.

Saturday I played in the town park for an hour with the wee one, and then visited my Stylist for a trim. Once lunch was over, it was down a different park this time, with the two children. We played and played till it was dark and cold. Home and the wee one was put to bed, then wife, middle son and I had a picnic tea on the floor watching X Factor and then a horror movie (not too mention three bottles of wine).

Sunday is non descript, I remember everyone settling down after our Sunday Lunch and watching the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, but that’s about it.

Last night, I played Age of Myth Titans Expansion on the laptop and had a fantastic two hour battle that saw me victorious.

I did get a bit annoyed at the wife, who immediately fell a sleep when her head hit the pillow, whilst I tossed and turned for ages, went down stairs and watch Sexcetera for a couple of hours and finally felt I could sleep. Well till the bin men arrived at 6.00am this morning.

My highlight of the week coming is of course going out with the wife on Saturday, but very close is the televised Sale Sharks game on Friday night.

The only other news is about my poor knees, they are still giving me jip after playing Squash last week, so I have missed a full week at the Gym, and the way they hurt at the moment, I can’t see me going again at least for this week. I may even have to see a Family Practioner about them.

Later Days

Big Night In

Well, it's been a while since I last had a hangover in work. Normally, being a member of the great unwashed, I could just lie in my bed until midday and get up feeling refreshed. But today I have to face facts; I'll be suffering until I've had my lunch. It's not pleasant. At least I don't have to go see clients (so far).

I've got coffee to help me wake up, paracetamol for my sore brain and chewie for my breath.

Coz I didn't half eat an awful lot of Doritos and Salsa Dip. I must stink like a plumbers arse.

The night itself went very well. Thanks to all who showed up. Practically half a dozen. And I managed to come last in both games of Halo I played - oh, how the mighty fall. I remember the days...

Cooooooooooooonts

I have just heard that we have to pay an extra 2% in to our work pension scheme next year and the year after.

Given that over the last 2 years we have been paid a wage increase of 1.75%, means I shall have to expect a pay cut for the next 2 years…

Needless to say, what a bunch on Coooooooooooooonts.

Bush\Blair\Innocent Deaths\Sore Knees

We watched that Flight 93 DVD last night, about the 4^th Airplane that was hi-jacked on 9/11, the one where the passengers fought back. It’s was actually quite good which surprised me.

But it also leads me in to another rant about the Bush/Blair ill-legal invasion of Iraq, remembering that the Al Qaeda attack on 9/11 lead to 2752 deaths.

It has since been proved that Iraq had nothing to do with the attacks and that there were no weapons of mass destruction found either.

So how many people have the Americans killed now in Iraq:

An estimated 655,000 Iraqis have died since 2003 that might still be alive but for the US-led invasion, according to a survey by a US university. Not quite an Eye for an Eye.

There I’ve said my peace.

Back to the normal dross of my life.

I played Squash last night and managed to lose all 8 games. My fitness was starting to tell towards the end and it was getting close, it’s a pity my skill level wasn’t as high.

The negative side of playing last night is that my right knee has been in agony all night. It fact it was so sore I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned till 2.30am, then I tried an hour in the spare room, but that didn’t work either. So I popped downstairs and watched TV till 5.30am this morning. Of course I was then woken by the alarm at 7.30am.

I hate sleeping and I hate my worn out knees.

I hope I’m not too tired to go round the Canucks house tonight.

Later Days

600,000

Was wondering what to write to commemorate a milestone moment in the West bringing Civilisation to the world.

The Lancet and MIT (two of the worlds most highly regarded organisations) have estimated 600,000+ violence related deaths due to the Iraq War. Mr George Bush and friends have said this figure is rubbish. Not credible. Nonsense.

30,000 is more likely.

Question is, who do you trust? A bunch of Doctors or a man who's responible for 30,000 deaths?

We are the bad guys.

Last Job of the Summer

I did the final cut of the year last night, so the lawn is now ready for its winter slumber. How suburban is that? Grass cut and lawn mower washed down, lightly oiled and put away till summer. After that I was burnt out. All I could do was sit on the couch, eating Chip Sticks and watching a DVD.

In other news, I walk under three Conkers trees on my way to work every morning, and recently I have been picking up the little round things and bringing them home. But I have been warned not to bring any more home as the house is full. Well it was very windy last night, and there were literally hundreds of them all over the place. Some bloody big ones as well. It was such an effort not to grab them.

Squash tonight, and then it’s settling down with the wife, a bottle of wine and a DVD. Tomorrow, its round one of the lads houses to play Xbox 360 and drink beers.

Later Days

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Nope Nothing !

Yet again I find myself with nothing to do at work. I really am more than half tempted to actually see if any one needs a hand, or have anything that they want looking at. I have had a few requests from the lads for different things to search on the web for, but it’s not that easy.

My desk is right next to the tea/coffee machine, right next to the printers and on the main walk way through the office, so there is always somebody walking past me. Therefore I just can’t surf willy nilly as somebody would bound to make a snide comment. So what I have to do is surf to a web page and then copy and paste the contents in to Word, I then pretend to be constantly working on documents.

If I am this bored tomorrow, I’m either going to take a sickie or ask for some work to do.

As for things to do this week, I forgot about going round the Manx Canadian’s house on Thursday with the lads. Plus there is a load of Rugby on this weekends TV.

Last night I had a great time, the youngest and I went up the park. I love playing in the park in the dark. We ran around and had the whole place to ourselves with lots of laughing and giggling. It was a very mild night.

After the tired little bunny went to bed, the wife and I had a fantastically relaxing night, with some pink bubbly.

Right, I’m off to do some practise questions on the MSCA exam. It’s amazing that 99% of the questions for the exam didn’t get covered on the course and Microsoft expect you to do the extra learning yourself.

Well have a great day everybody.

Gone

We finally got rid of the Guinea Pigs…. I’m afraid the children failed in their responsibility task of looking after the little fur balls. 9 out of 10 times, it was the wife and I who ended up feeding and cleaning them out. After a final warning, we got rid of them. I’ll sort of miss them actually, but they went to a very good home.

In other news, we went to a Wedding Anniversary on Saturday Night, and I was a dancing dervish. All legs and arms… Unfortunately, there were a few people from work there, so I have had nothing but piss takes all morning. But come lunch time, they would have moved on to something else. Anyway, they are just jealous.

I also received a call late Sunday evening for one of the lads. His wife is expecting their first child in 4 weeks, and he is panicking that he won’t have the baby room ready in time. So he was wondering if I could give him a hand one day and blast our way through it, a sort of Amish Barn Raising without the guns.

Of course after I said Yes, and put the phone down I got to thinking.

He’s panicking that it won’t be ready; his first thought is, how can I get this done quickly and more importantly, cheaply. He has a reputation for being a rich miser. He has two houses and only one very small mortgage. His first thought should have been, let’s get a Professional in to do it. Then his second thought would have been, No that will cost money.

Then his thought would have been, well I actually work for myself, why not take a few days off work and get stuck in. This would have been followed, by: No, I can’t do that as I would not make any money those days.

So he finally comes up with the idea, I know, I’ll ring Paul, he can’t say no to a mate. He’ll turn up, we start sanding and then I’ll get an “emergency” call and have to go service a boiler somewhere for 4 hours and I can leave Paul to do all the work. Excellent, now where is his number?

The cheap Jewish bastard.

Things to look forward to this week:

Playing Squash Wednesday

I think that’s it really.

Ah well.

Idol Worship

I don't know if anyone knows, but I'm a big fan of Michael Schumacher. Not like a freaky stalker person, but I own a couple of books, a few F1 videos and a cap. Actually, I don't own a cap. Well I do, but not an MS one. But I digress.

In case you didn't know, MS basically lost his final ever (he's retiring) F1 Championship yesterday when his engine blew up and his rival finished first.

I was gutted.

And this got me to thinking; isn't it strange how we (i.e. society) transfer our hopes and dreams to another individual. People we've never met. People who don't know we exist.

Yesterday, my happiness/sadness relied on a very rich german man who wouldn't p!ss on me if I was on fire.

I've therefore decided in future to exclusively base my quality of life on things nearer to home:

So, later on today, rather than getting caught up in the latest Big Brother/Pop Idol/Love Island, I'm planning to have a quick one off the wrist. I'm nervous, maybe it won't go well, maybe I'll fail. But if it does work out, I'll be a very happy man. And I've contacted ITV to see if they want to televise it.

It’s been a long time

Since I blogged, or at least it feels like ages. The main reason was apathy and combined with nothing really happening in my life, this lead to my lengthy absence.

Well I have nothing to do at work (or at least I can’t be bothered doing anything) and so I decided to pull my finger out.

I was on a course for a week, the high point of which was the Pub lunches. I had meant to knuckle down and do so revision and then do the exam, but 3 weeks later and I still haven’t open the course book again.

The family are all fine. The children are great. The eldest is still off school more than he is at school. But I finally got to read his School report from last year, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. At least all the teachers mentioned how polite and well mannered he was, however, they also all mentioned that he is easily distracted and doesn’t concentrate. I was surprise at some of the lesson’s he was doing really well in.

The middle one is fine. He has started rehearsals for his Christmas Panto, and so will be busy Saturdays and Sundays from now till the New Year.

The youngest is also doing well, and is constantly keeping everyone laughing. He is such a good kid. Last night we went and played on the beach straight from work. Then when it got too cold, we went looking for Conkers.

With Merry Xmas not far away, I am trying convince one of the kids that they want a Nintendo Wii. If you watch the trailer at the top of that page, I’m sure you’ll all want one.

I want the following for Merry Xmas:

Philips 37” HD LCD TV

Yamaha YSP 1100

Fuji FinePix F30

Qtek 8500 Smartphone

Sony Vaio VGN-AR21S

That’s all I can think off at the moment, there is about £5,500 worth of kit there, so you might want to all chip in. I wouldn’t want to get two TV’s would I?

Apart from that, the wife and I have an Anniversary to go to this Saturday. I don’t think we are have a Halloween party this year, as we are too skint.

The only other thing I was going to mention, was why do people buy tiny little iPod Nanos, and then stick fuck off huge Headphones in it??

Ah well, that’s all for another few weeks.

Have a great October